The New Year

I know, I know. I've been a bad blogger lately but I assure you that I'm only partially to blame. The holidays are the real culprit in this matter. You can either spend the extra hour with your sister that's in town or you could spend some time blogging. You can spend time getting more presents and filling out one last Christmas card to an old friend, or you can spend your time blogging. Obviously I have been choosing the former over the latter. Sisters, Christmas cards, and old friends tend to take the priority.

I'm headed to NYC tomorrow to meet up with my teammate Hanna for a New Year's celebration. We felt that it was necessary to really bring this particular year in with a bang. It is 2008 afterall-the year of the Beijing Games! After a day of rest after our festivities it is back to work of course.

I am getting back to Rochester on the morning of the 4th because of an engagement I have with some volleyball players. Interesting. Apparently there is a fundraiser for the high school volleyball players in Rochester and I'm the guest speaker. I have to come up with ten minutes of awe inspiring material for a room full of high school female athletes. Any suggestions? There are a lot of things that I could probably talk about but I have no idea what would really be of use to these girls. It's been a while since I've been in high school.

Incidentally-I'm going to be turning 27 on the 6th of January. Just thought I'd put that out there! :)

Well, it's off to NYC for me and also time to plan for that speech. Ten minutes is a long time in front of a big crowd.

Happy New Year to everyone! I hope this year brings everyone great joy and success.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and a very Happy Holidays to everyone! I hope that you are having a nice and relaxing time with friends and family.

I know I've been busy hanging out with my family. I didn't receive many presents but I had a great time giving presents. :)

El Grande Apple

Here I am, back in New York City for the usual of training and physical therapy. I'm only here until Monday and then I go back to the usual routine in Rochester.

Apparently I bring the snow with me everywhere I go since there will be a huge snow storm in the city tomorrow. I wonder what counts as "huge" in NYC because in Rochester huge snow storm means something ridiculous like a few feet of snow in a short amount of time. But even then I think that Rochester would keep going and people would keep driving through it. I wonder what it will be like tomorrow in the city? It's kind of nice to see the city covered in white dusty snow for a few hours before it turns a brown or dark gray.

Oh yes, I had a comment about the last tournament. I fenced well and lost by one touch in over time to make it to the top-4 round, so I ended up fifth. In the long run of things the international tournament results will be more important than the national competition results.

One of the days in Richmond, I had a chance to speak to a retired fencer that I always admired but never really had the chance to talk to. (To give some people a hint, I believe he holds a record for how many national championships he's won.) We spoke about what it's like to be an "older" athlete in the sport and how to keep up motivation when you are no longer this young gun coming through the ranks. He mentioned that staying positive really helped him-he never got down on himself and felt that with more positive energy his results and successes were even greater. It just boils down to believing in yourself no matter what. In sport and perhaps in life, you have to be your own biggest fan sometimes.

Good thing I have Mama Zimmermann to keep me in check.

Good luck to all the New Yorkers in tomorrow's snow storm.

Up and coming

Haven't posted much on the blog since the apology. I've been a bit busy for the past week getting ready for the next tournament, which is the National Circuit this weekend in Richmond, VA.

The weather in Rochester has changed my travel plans a bit as I am going to try and leave at the wonderful hour of 6am on Friday instead of later in the afternoon that day. I'm not sure if it's going to help since it seems that there is no end to the snow flurries either day or night.

On the training side-things have been going well although, the past two days my trainer has put me through the ropes but of course I wouldn't tell him that (I'm also glad he doesn't read the blog). I also wouldn't tell him that my left thigh and gluteous maximus (sp?) is sore...even though it is...very much so. I'll have to start tapering down the workouts soon since I fence on Sunday.

This blog is as exciting as I feel right at this moment. Is it lame to go to bed at 8:55pm?

An Apology

First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my teammates for anything I said in my last blog about the insurance issue that might have hurt them. It was never my intent to hurt anyone and my words were created from anger which you were in no way responsible for. Nothing means more to me than this team and my teammates and I therefore offer my humblest apologies.

The reality is, as one of my closest teammates puts it, is that we (the fencers) all struggle. We are all together in this as a team of fencers-sacrificing a lot in order to achieve a life's goal or dream. I apologize again for making light of anyone's situation or making it seem my situation was much more dire than another's. In a way, it makes me feel less alone to know that we are all in the same boat together. The truth is that all of us aren't paid athletes and we must raise our own funds and rely on whatever scraps the USOC or the USFA throws our way.

My words in the last post (which I have taken down since) were passionate-written in a moment of absolute disgust at the USOC/USFA. I spent a lot of time this evening trying to go over the reasons why I would feel so angry over receiving a letter from the USOC about denying my "eligibility" for insurance and I came up with the following answers:


1. The form letter made me feel as though I was a non-entity. "Athlete X-you did not meet the criteria, therefore you are no longer worth our time."

2. I was very dissapointed at the USFA's unemotional answer to my situation. It seems that if you are not performing-you aren't worth a damn to the organization. I remember being treated differently when the women's foil team was actually churning out medals-apparently, you are only worth anything when you win.

3. This past year was hard for me and I acknowledge that I didn't perform up to "standards" or "expectations" but I felt that there were things that were almost beyond my control that prevented me from performing at my best. Although I do understand that when money is tight that "right now" is more important than the possiblity of potential but compassion is an asset that cannot be ignored.


All reasons set aside there is still no excuse for a poor reaction on my part. I hope that my teammates accept my apologies for acting so rash. My mind is always on this team and I feel lucky to be considered a part of such an amazing group of women (and men). It is a priviledge to be considered in the same group as the rest of the team. The most important lesson perhaps is that words on a blog are important and one must be careful about what they type. Words can cut deeper than the sword (sorry for the bad pun) but it's the truth in this situation.

I always try to be someone of integrity and truth-in this case, regarding my teammates, I came across in a very different light. I do appreciate my teammates telling me upfront how they felt about the blog and they were candid enough to tell me the truth about their personal situations. I truly appreciate the candor and the fact that you all came to me directly.

As for the USOC-I am still angry but I have come up with my own solutions. Besides finding insurance, I have resolved to take a breath before pressing the "publish post" button. Rational thinking is the way to go, or at least I've heard.

Thank you again to my teammates for their honesty and apologies for anything in my last blog that may have upset you.

In loving memory

IN LOVING MEMORY OF BEN GUTENBERG





This afternoon a young man, a teammate, and a friend died. Ben Gutenberg was only eighteen and just started William and Mary college this past September. A week or so ago Ben was in a car accident that took his fencing coach's life and took his a week later. We will miss you, Ben.

Since my words in this situation are probably either too trite or cliche in some way, I think it's best I leave this emotion of loss to the poets.


Do not stand at my grave and weep


Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!



Mary Frye (1932)


Shanti, shanti, shanti

Case of the Monday's

I hope everyone gets my reference of the movie Office Space in today's post title. If not, please go out and rent the movie because it's a classic. I especially like the scene when the employees finally destroy the copy machine that never seems to work.

As for today there isn't much to report except for the fact that I am a little sore and ready for bed at 9pm. I still have some stretching left to do but it's early to bed for me tonight. It's amazing how much time the athlete needs to sleep in order to recover. I feel if I don't get at least eight hours of sleep my body doesn't have a chance to fully recovered from the previous day's practices.

Anyways, I have decided to write the book anyways or at least start it. I think it would be an interesting way to pass the time and I am not truly looking for it to be published so much as it could be part of my process. The question is when I would have time to write between practice, sleeping eight hours, blogging, and traveling?

home after the holidays

It only took us eight and a half hours to drive back to Rochester from Princeton, NJ (where my relatives live). Usually, it only takes about six to seven hours to make that drive but there was a lot of holiday traffic today that caused all sorts of back ups on the road. Why must we rubber neck when we know it only causes the traffic to move slower?

I'm really glad to be home after ten or so days away. The training in NYC was great but it's nice to be back on my own schedule and routine. Also, my teammate and I have a lot of work to do with our coach, as always.

As for NYC:

While I was in the Big Apple, I met someone from a club in Buffalo that reads my blog from time to time. It was great to meet someone that has become such a fencing enthusiast in a short amount of time. His daughter has also been bitten by the ever contagious fencing bug. The both of them take fencing to such great lengths that they manage to schlep about an hour to take lessons once a week at the Rochester Fencing Club.

Why is this significant? I realized something after my conversation with this fencer. There are some people who read this blog and know some of my hidden comments about my old coach. I forget that there are people out there that know who I am talking about when I say "my old coach" especially since fencing is such a small community.

Another wierd thing also got me thinking about the subject of blogging about my coach. I fenced at his new club in NYC and he and I exchanged awkward hi's and goodbye's with little else in between. After all these years and everything we have been through he doesn't even talk to me-let alone look at me. However, I still haven't given up the old habit of looking at him while I am fencing (to get his approval). I wonder if he knows or if anyone has told him what I have gone through in the past few months. It seems like I have been talking about him to everyone except for him.

The bottom line is that although I want to tell the story of my past and my renewed outlook on the future, I don't want to ruin my old coach's career. He has a reputation and he has new students. I do warn some of the new and older students to watch their steps but I don't want to be a cause of him losing students. I realize I the risk losing his friendship and perhaps damaging his reputation by blogging but I still feel as though I have the right to share my story.

I'm sort of stuck in a rough place. In the fencing world everyone knows who he is and he has many students and many new students that are up and coming. Some of his students read this blog and some of them have asked me point blank questions about him and I have answered them truthfully. However, I don't want to turn his world upside down. I doubt I will do that entirely but it is not my intent.

There were many good things that came out of our relationship and I try to reconcile those good times with some of the harder moments we shared. Whenever I hear some Bob Dylan tune he used to play on long van trips or long car rides in Europe, I think of the fun times and his sense of humor. I definitely miss those times when we were just talking about nothing in particular-if anything, he has a charming demeanor and a great sense of humor outside of fencing.

For me the hardest thing is that we are no longer communicating. That is something that I have to come to terms with as well-someone who was once closer to me than my own parents is now just a part of my memory-even though he is still around and I still see him from time to time. We are no longer the same-neither he nor I are that same person we were when we last worked together three years ago. I am often torn between emotions of sadness of losing my relationship with him and being glad that I am no longer under his thumb.

I just hope that the things that are written here are taken with a grain of salt. I can only talk about the future if I connect it with the past but these thoughts are are colored by my own experiences and no one elses. I can't really talk about his current personality since we no longer communicate. I can only pass on the lessons I have learned in my career and the struggles I go through as I make my way to another Olympic team and beyond.

Anyways-that's my two cents about the issue and I am sure it's not the last I am going to say about it. I was thinking about writing a book after this whole ordeal but it would be hard considering it could hurt someone's career as a coach. Let's just say the decision isn't final.

I hope everyone has a great week!

Thanksgiving is just around the corner

Just finished up a great camp in NYC and it's onto Thanksgiving. I think I may just make an apple pie-a fencer and a baker. Who knew?

It's late so it's off to bed for me at this moment but I have much to write tomorrow when I have the day off to hang out around the city. Nice life, eh?

A bit of an update

Today's blog might not be super inspired but at least it gives some info about where I have been and where I am going.

Where I have been.

I spent the last weekend in Penn State fencing with some of the team members there. the unfortunate part is that I hurt my ankle/foot somehow and I am unable to put too much pressure on it. No sweat though-I think with some rest and treatment it will be fine very soon.

Where I am going.

Of course I am not going to stay in Rochester for too long. I'm always moving about-my friend tells me I should become a pilot so I can at least get paid for all of my mileage. I don't know about that.

I am headed to NYC this week for a national camp. After that I am headed to New Jersey to visit some family for Thanksgiving.

So, that's my agenda for the next two weeks. I am sure I will have lots to say after the camp since right now things are just status quo-going to the gym, fencing, etc. It's sort of like watching reruns for right now.

Hope all is well! Have a great week!

Advice

I added a new person to my "entourage" today. It's a yoga teacher than has some fame here in Rochester for being a teacher of Iyengar yoga. His name is Francois Raoult and his yoga studio is called Open Sky Yoga which is situated behind the very beautiful Rochester Zen Center.

He was very knowledgable and had some great things to say but they were a lot of the same things that the other parts of my "entourage" were saying about me and fencing. The sport of fencing makes the body very asymmetrical and causes imbalances which can lead to injuries, such as the various knee injuries I have had. There is no surprise there. He also talked about how tight my hips are-there is definitely no surprise there. I have been spending an hour each day (per my physical therapists instructions) to stretch. I also have to stretch after practice which is even harder because all I want to do after practice is go home, eat, and sleep.

So, what is my point here? Well, I had a bit of a revelation while I was sitting there listening to Francois. It wasn't that his information was bad or not useful, but I thought-at some point I have to make the decision of what is best for me. I have so many people telling me to do this and that to make my fencing better but at what point do I chime in with my own voice?

Considering my past-it was quite novel for me to ask that question. What do I feel is necessary for me?

I've also never really and truly been a mature athlete. It's one thing to be young and under someone's wing but it is another thing to be doing something long enough that you have to finally go-"you know what? I would rather do this instead of that". You also have to be wise enough to take the information you need and integrate it into what you already have. This task isn't that easy.

Here is where I think sport mirrors life. Isn't this all just a part of growing up? In a "normal"/general situation the parent makes the decision for the kids. Then the kids start to grow up and form opinions of their own and it's about this time the parents start to get major gray hairs. Then the kid goes off to college and starts to establish themselves and I wouldn't say that the kid really comes into their own until after college is over. At that time the adult has to decide what to take from their past, what to make new, and what their real identity is and where it lies.

Anyways, enough philosophy for now. It's time for me to sleep since I've already done the other two of return home and eat. Much needs to be done tomorrow including lots and lots of stretching.

One more thing. I am headed to Penn State on Thursday with my teammate Hanna to spend the weekend fencing with the students and alum there.

Any Given Sunday

Definitely interesting day.

Let's start off with the gym this morning. I made a point to introduce myself to Ursula Burns, the president of Xerox and can be scene on the cover of this month's Fortune magazine. I told her how inspiring it is to meet a woman with that type of a position at a company. She's definitely a tough woman-I've seen her work out at the gym. She and I spoke about the Olympics and she mentioned that Xerox sends the execs there to watch the games. She also told me to keep in touch with her-I'm looking forward to it since I also mentioned I was interested in going to business school after all is said and done with the Games.

Then I met with Hanna, my teammate, to have lunch and go over our last few weeks apart. It's nice to have her back because it will really step up the training at the club.

The most interesting part about lunch was that not only did the waitress recognize me, "Aren't you Iris Zimmermann?" but there was another couple as we walked out that also recognized me. They said they were so happy to meet me and Hanna because they love the Olympics. In fact, their first date was watching the 2004 Olympic Games. Even I haven't had a date like that. But to honor their relationship I gave them two Olympics pins that I conveniently had in my car. I wonder if they think all Olympians carry around extra pins for just those occasions?

Then an old friend of mine, I have known him for about ten years, bumped into me after lunch. He and I had a long conversation about our separate meditation and yoga practices and at the end of the conversation I asked if the cafe he worked at still had job openings. I could work a few nights a week, get to know some people in town, make a little money, and have a bit of a break from training. I think that over thinking and over analyzing can contribute to over training and lack of desire and passion. My schedule from now until February is a little crazy but does allow some time to work. Besides, I think it would be a good break to go to a coffee shop on the weekends after my gym routines. This time I would be making money instead of draining money into lattes.

So, that is my day. Meeting the President of Xerox, finding a couple who loves the Olympics, and filling out an application to work at a cafe near the fencing club. The cafe has free wireless-perhaps more blogs are on the way?

I hope all of you enjoyed the weekend as much as I did. Have a great Monday!

the flip side

In some of my blog posts I think-do people really believe I am this happy all the time with my Olympic pursuit? Especially after my last post I may have made it seem as though I have crossed over into this world of child's play. Well, here I am to squash those myths.

NYC was a place of a lot of realization for me. Not only were my conversations with my friends great and inspiring but the city itself ignited something in me.

I had a chance to stay at my friend's apartment and since he was never there it felt like I was living on my own again. That taste of freedom was a little too exciting for me because living with my parents at 26 years old isn't always what it is cracked up to be. I love my parents and especially the food my mom makes each night but living with them was never really in the long term after college plans. It wasn't even a should of-it was something of a life or death issue. (Just kidding.)

This new life in Rochester has opened many doors for me personally, but it has also put a bit of a damper on my social life. Let's not even ask how long it's been since I have been on a date or even asked out on a date. This is where everyone chimes in with a collective, "awwwww...". I know, I know, very tragic.

Traveling, training, and living with my parents isn't really the perfect formula for meeting friends let alone meeting potential boyfriends. Alright I do give that it isn't all that great to be "distracted" by relationships but sometimes that distraction is much needed when each day is filled with thoughts about fencing or fencing related topics. There is only so much Scrabble I can play with my Dad or so many movies I can watch with my Mom. My teammate, Hanna, and I do hang out but there are limited places to go in a small city like Rochester. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

The reality is that I miss this other life I lead. The one where I wore outfits each day that didn't include my standard uniform of sweats, sports bra, socks, and snekers. I also miss having nights out with my good friends-talking over the phone isn't always the same as seeing each other in person. None of my friends live here and going out alone is more depressing than staying at home on a Friday. Complain, complain.

Okay, how many notches have I gone down in your book now? I know these complaints aren't really that crucial in the big scheme of things, but I do have to acknowledge the fact that being in NYC last week made me long for the life in a bigger city with more things to do and more people to meet. Don't get me wrong-Rochester is an interesting city..if you are raising kids, not if you are 26 years old and single. Just keeping it real-so to speak.

I do understand that the choices we make put some things on the back burner while other parts of our lives become a higher priority. The best and worst quote-"Nothing ever stays the same. Change is always constant." I am sure that I will be yearning for more time in the gym a year from now. Grass is always greener? Maybe I should read my last blog post and just be happy in this moment.

Enough about my rants and ravings. It's almost my bedtime-I have to get up early again tomorrow to hit the gym.

Happy Halloween!

Swingsets, sandboxes, and playgrounds

A friend of mine turned 37 years old the other day and I asked him what age he really felt. This of course was after several jokes about aging at his expense. Even after all the jokes he looked me square in the eye, as only he knows how to do, and answered, "I feel 25". Then he said something that I've been thinking about a lot since our conversation. He said that he feels 25, but inside he sometimes feels like he never left the 15 year old kid behind. That's true-he's quite the prankster.

Today I overheard a couple of women who had a conversation about age. One said that I can't believe I'm 40 years old, and of course that was followed by the obligatory, "you don't look that old, come on, stop it, you aren't forty". The truth is that this woman does not look her age at all and I'm always very taken aback by her exotic beauty. Then another woman, aged 65, chimed in and said that sometimes she looks in the mirror and can't seem to believe what is staring back at her. The wrinkles on her face represent an age that she doesn't connect with when she is away from the mirror. The bottom line is that these women don't really look their age, whatever that means. In this Botox world, age has become a very fluid and sometimes paralyzed concept.

We are all very much defined by age-at 16 we get a driver's license, 18 we can vote and smoke and enlist in the military, at 21 we can drink, then the birthdays sort of fall off. We start counting the numbers and start to get scared somewhere down the line. Shouldn't I be married, shouldn't I have kids, shouldn't I? Shouldn't I? This is similar to the the doubts I expressed when I first started my journey, I'm 25 years old, shouldn't I move on from fencing and start my career? Shouldn't I be moving towards my "real life"?

In my (humble) opinion we are sometimes too busy getting to certain ages and doing all the shoulds that we don't just stop and have some fun. Even saying those words seems a little off. We don't all have to quit our jobs and start fencing but isn't it time we make room for something we love in our lives? The pursuit of something for the sake of it's pursuit rather than the pursuit for an absolute end result. Very revolutionary concept in this day and age.

My friend who turned 37 years old last week mentioned that we should spend some time nurturing and loving our inner kids. To laugh more and be more present like only kids can be. Children aren't thinking or worrying about what they are going to do in next minute or hour, they are immersed in what they are doing at the moment they are doing it.

This point struck another cord with me today when I stayed for a while after my practice to hang out and teach the younger group of fencers. The room was filled with so much joy and excitement, which was so great to witness and be a part of. I laughed with them as they make jokes (at my expense of course) and I reveled in their curiosity about the most random things.

Where does the joy for life go when we grow up? I think that my friend is right-the little kid in everyone needs some time to play without structure. I think that's why when I got back from the world championships I spent some time walking in the park and swinging on the swing sets. I must have been an odd sight at the park but it was so much fun to fly through the air, with my feet kicking away as I rose higher and higher. I truly enjoyed the experience of having the breeze blow through my hair and the broad grin on my face.

What does this have to do with training? Everything. Being present in the moment and enjoying what I do even on the hardest days makes all the difference. Before this year, I spent twenty years practicing for the next thing without ever really enjoying the process or even enjoying the moments that I would succeed. To my coach, to me as a driven girl, one gold medal meant I had to strive for another gold medal to continue to prove that I belonged on top. They say that experiences and joy are truly lost on youth and I can't say that is entirely untrue. I think I was more stressed out at 15 than I am at 27-maybe my inner kid is the more mature one? Or maybe now we are old enough now to enjoy the things that kids take for granted? We shouldn't miss that opportunity.

So the moral of this rambling story is to enjoy some time with your inner kid and have save moments to laugh or play. Be present in the moment. As Will Smith says in the movie Hitch, "Live each day as if it were on purpose."

P.S.

P.S. I found (actually a friend of mine found) a great yoga place in NYC after the blog post of the nightmare yoga studio. I went there and the vibe was everything I was looking for in a yoga studio. You can read about Dharma Yoga Center by clicking here. If you are ever in NYC I do recommend going there for a class.

Home....again....

I flew back to Rochester this afternoon from NYC where I had a great week of trainings, getting treated, and visiting various friends. There is never enough time in a new york minute to fit everything in and unfortunately I couldn't see all of my friends. Besides I was technically there on "business" if you can truly call fencing a business.

Tomorrow will be my first day back in the gym in about three weeks. I don't think I have stepped foot in the Mid-twon athletic club and the fencing center for about that long. I'm looking forward to seeing the familiar faces and getting back to work on a regular daily schedule.

I hope everyone has a great week ahead of them.

Oh yeah, trick or treat! Or is it Happy Thanksgiving or is it Merry Christmas since Holiday knick knacks are already out in all the stores. Why would I fill out Christmas cards in October when you can send them the day before Christmas. Should I have already addressed and sent out my Channukah cards?

I digress.

Have a great and productive week!

The big apple

I arrived in NYC on Monday and it's only taken me a few short days to get nice and sore. Someone said to me once that pain is weakness leaving the body and if that is the case I am one strong chick.

It's amazing how much you can accomplish in NYC in a very short amount of time. The past few days have been filled with physical therapy appointments, fencing, yoga, and a visit with some of my close friends.

The yoga is the part that took me by surprise. Yoga for me is a very meditative and introspective practice while going slowly into poses. The interesting thing is that yoga has become nycfied and instead of being relaxing, the yoga studio I went to was almost masochistic. The instructor started the class with some chants, which isn't abnormal, but she was yelling the chants. I couldn't even hear myself think while she was shouting OMmmmmm at the top of her lungs. Then when I tried to modify certain poses because I can't really get into them very easily, she would force me into a pose of yell something like-FEET TOGETHER! or TOUCH THE PALM TO THE GROUND! I wanted to say-hey lady, if I could touch my entire palm on the ground with my legs in this position, I wouldn't be in this class.

Needless to say, I needed some time after the yoga class to decompress. I feel like people in the city could use more classes that are restful since they live such hectic lives but logic and reason does not always prevail.

Fencing here has been great and I'm looking forward to tonight because we are doing some video analyzation of the Italian team. I have been impressed by the effectiveness of their footwork patterns and strategies. I am sure talking about video tape is really exciting for the blog readers.

Anyways, it's time to get going on this day. Hope everyone is having a great week!

All things have to come to an end

Alas, my days were numbered at Shangri-La. I would love to return to those sunny days walking along the lake with the mountains in the background, but I am back to Rochester and back to reality.

This morning greeted me with dark clouds and rain as I made my way to the gym. It wasn't the way I wanted to start back into things but as the song says, we can't always get what we want.

Making a slight transition but in the same vain as "all good things have to come to an end", I would like to begin the discussion about Marion Jones. For those of you who don't know who she is, Marion is the track star from the Sydney and Athens games. She has several medals under belt (or used to until she gave them back two weeks ago).

I can't tell you how sad I was to find out that she admitted to "juicing up" for the Olympics because from what I hear she was so talented that she didn't need to. I remember standing near her during the opening ceremonies of the Sydney Games and she was a super star amongst the Olympic athletes. Here we all were, the best of the best of our sports, and some of us were going up to her for autographs.

I am so dissapointed to hear about her. According to an article I read she is now married to a former track athlete, has a four year old son, and is broke. How sad-she went from being a super star to another poor ex-athlete.

Things brings me to what I've been thinking about since I read about Marion. Does the ends justify the means? A lot of athletes succumb to pressure, peer pressure, pressure from parents, pressure from fans, pressure from coaches and teammates to do everything it takes to win that medal. Is it really that important? I mean yes, I would love to have a gold medal, but am I willing to sacrifice my morals and values in order to do so? Am I willing to cheat to make it happen?

I once dated a shot put player for a VERY brief period at Stanford before the 2004 Games. He was much smaller than the rest of the shot put guys but he was very strong and could throw far. There were scandals then about track athletes using steroids and I asked him if he would be willing to take them. He said he would because it evens the field, everyone takes supplements. I wasn't shocked that he would but I remember being taken aback that he was so matter a fact about it. He didn't even blink when he answered and it was almost like I asked him if he could inhale and exhale.

However, I am sure in the moment Marion felt that it was the best thing to do. I'm not saying I would go that route but I don't think I blame her entirely for her actions. Dave Chapelle during his comedy routine mentions Michael Jackson and all his surgeries and he says, "In some sick twisted way he did it for you". And I think in this case, in some sick twisted way Marion wasn't srong inside and caved to media, fan, and personal pressure to succeed.

What is this doing to the athlete? What are we willing to sacrifice to win? Everyone believes that an athlete should live, breathe, and die their sport but at what cost to the person as a whole? Dedication is one thing but unhealthly obsession over achievement is another.

This topic strikes a cord with me not only because it's about Marion Jones whom I admired during the Sydney Games but the question, "Does the end justify the means?", comes up often in my talk about athletes. What are we willing to sacrifice in order to win that precious medal? What does that mean to you?

The ones who know me and read this blog, understand what I went through for twenty years of my life-utter abuse, physically and mentally, from my former coach. At the time it was fine and accepted because I was winning everything (the ends justified his abuse and also made it worse in the end) but now as an adult this method no longer serves me as an athlete and human being. The road is much harder and sometimes not as clear in terms of results but in terms of life things have never been better.

I hope this last paragraph wasn't too obtuse for most of you but I don't think I am quite ready to reveal everything on this blog. I am hoping to eventually write a book about the relationships between coaches and athletes sometime down the line but the wound is still too much on the surface.

To sum things up I think this debate has many layers to it as most good debates do. I am sad for Marion and I am sad that she did what she did. However, I understand that she probably felt a lot of pressure from outside sources which over road her better judgement. The unfortunate thing is that she is not the only one to crack. There is so much pressure to break new records to be better than the last, to be a hero, to be a super person that sometimes the athletes don't even question whether or not this is wrong. "If everyone is doing it, it just makes sense for me to as well."

And finally, a message to every athlete. The ends DOES NOT justify the means. When it's wrong, it's just wrong. An abusive coach, taking steroids, if you are a good athlete you will get there. Besides, the medal isn't everything and it is in the pursuit that we know and reveal our true selves. After the medal you will still be Marion Jones and you will have to live with your decisions for the rest of your life.

Well, all good things have to come to an end and this blog entry has reached it's finale.

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend! I'm off to NYC for training and treatment on Monday morning until the following Saturday.

Shangri-La

I'm lucky my sister lives in such a beautiful place that is perfect for a small respite from the Olympic run.

There isn't much to say except for I think I've never been so relaxed. I've gotten a hair cut, taken many naps, walked my friend Gwen's dog everyday around the lake, and now I am off to a yoga retreat near Denver. I do have to talk about the lake though.

Every morning the sun rises over the mountains and reflects into the lake. The water is calm except for the few duck families passing by every once in a while. Everyone is happily walking their dogs while children play on swingsets and jungle gym nearby. Everything is framed by the sometimes snow capped mountains in the background. The word for it is picturesque but I prefer to use Shangri-La. I love Denver.

The ashram we are going to is called Shoshoni Retreat and we will be spending the next 24 hours doing yoga, meditation, eating vegetarian foods, and exploring the surroundings. I am definitely falling in love with this place, not sure if I want to return to real life just yet.

I did try to do some real work in the gym yesterday but I decided it was too nice out to be stuck lifting weights so I went to the lake again for a walk. I am definitely resting mind, body, and spirit.

Wish you all were here.

Denver!

I better get to sleep soon since I have to catch a plane to Denver at 7am tomorrow. I'm going westward to visit my sister Felicia for a week. She has a break between projects at work and I have a week off before I continue training for the rest of the season.

Felicia and I are planning on attending a two day yoga retreat close to Denver. I'm looking forward to sharing a one room, one bed, no electricty, heat or water hut with my sister for two days. I just hope that the water in the communal bath house is warm. Right now I'm sort of picturing a bucket with a string or maybe a metal bathtub? This should be an interesting two days.

Besides the one room hut and bucket shower, I am truly looking forward to a week where I am not thinking about fencing (although I probably will do a lot of thinking about fencing anyways). At least I am not putting my fencing stuff on for a good week because sometimes this journey can suffer from tunnel vision. Both my chiropractor and massage therapist told me to take the time to center myself and truly use the time to rest both the body and mind. There won't be another week long opportunity like this until the end of the season. Meditation, yoga, and vegetarian food here I come!

I still can't believe that the Olympics are less than a year away.

After I get back from Denver I am headed to NYC for a week to fence and get treated for my various ailments. I haven't been to the Big Apple in a while and I'm looking forward to going back. A trip to the city is always a fun time even when I feel like I get caught up in the faster pace. I'm sure my NYC friends that read this blog are thinking that I'm a big country bumpkin after that sentence. Maybe I shouldn't tell them that I saw a deer on my way home from the fencing club this evening.

I know that I still have yet to comment on the Marion Jones incident but I promise I will. In the meantime, you can read about what happened to her by clicking here.

It's truly a sad story and it's definitely worth the discussion.

See you all in Denver!