Le Fin

I haven't blogged in a long time on purpose. It wasn't that I didn't have a lot to tell people, it was quite the opposite, but I didn't know how to tell people what was happening in my world.

A little over a week ago I cut my European experience short. Actually, my sister and a few of my friends decided that enough was enough and I had to come home.

So, what do I mean? This isn't the easiest to tell people who have supported me but I feel as though I owe people an explanation.

Many folks in the fencing community think I left the Olympic qualification because I had a melt down. After going for three Olympic teams-I thought they would know me better by now. Melt down isn't the word I would use.

I have had a long history of depression both in myself and my family. The added stress of making the team aggravated it but it wasn't the sole reason for having to come home. I also have what shrinks like to call post-traumatic stress disorder. The reasons for this diagnosis is not something I am willing to share over the internet. I'm an open person but I have yet to deal with the root of this problem so it's all very raw and very new for me.

While staying in Europe and traveling to competitions, there came a point that I was no longer safe and capable of taking care of myself. My sister took a vacation from her job (something she never does) and came to be at my side at each European tournament I went to.

When my condition started to worsen my closest friends, my therapist, and my sister most importantly, told me it was time to go home. I had to choose between fighting for the Olympic team or fighting to save my own life. So, Felicia bought me a ticket from Poland to Rochester and I was not allowed to look back. I still have half of my things in the apartment in Hungary, that's how quickly I left Europe. Needless to say, the trip home was a very long and painful one because I didn't want to go home but I knew that I had to. The only reason I boarded that plane was for my sister and not for myself because I felt that I had truly failed.

This new journey and this new battle that I have embarked upon since my return to Rochester has to be the hardest thing I have done thus far. With time I am coming to realize that returning to Rochester and going for another team is only secondary to this bigger challege of seeking help and getting better.

As for the next steps. There is still an outside chance to be a part of the Olympic team but it's not even about that anymore. I am going to attend the last qualification tournament in Marseille, France just to finish things up. My mother, who has never been to a European world cup to watch me fence before, is coming with me to add support and happiness to the situation. Although this illness is particulary hard on my family it has brought us all steps closer and bonded us together stronger than I ever imagined. There are always positive things that come out of negative places.

As for me-I know I will be fine in the end. Knowing and believing in the future and in happiness is not an easy task for someone like me but I'm starting to believe. It hurts to think that after all this work that I won't go to Beijing but the important part is finding out about my own illness and working through that. Or at least I am told.

I'm still unsure of whether or not I will blog. I will continue to write but the writing will be very different and much more personal than what I have done here. With depression or post-traumatic stress disorder, all these types of issues, are difficult to describe because they are unique to each person. I do not expect even my family to understand what is going on because it's not something as simple as breaking an arm-this is a much more complicated issue.

I am so thankful for all the support I have been given both in my journey for Beijing and for my current journey with this illness. Nothing is easy and I am taking this one day at a time, one step at a time. Thank you again to all my friends and family for providing me with the only true anecdote--love.