An Apology

First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my teammates for anything I said in my last blog about the insurance issue that might have hurt them. It was never my intent to hurt anyone and my words were created from anger which you were in no way responsible for. Nothing means more to me than this team and my teammates and I therefore offer my humblest apologies.

The reality is, as one of my closest teammates puts it, is that we (the fencers) all struggle. We are all together in this as a team of fencers-sacrificing a lot in order to achieve a life's goal or dream. I apologize again for making light of anyone's situation or making it seem my situation was much more dire than another's. In a way, it makes me feel less alone to know that we are all in the same boat together. The truth is that all of us aren't paid athletes and we must raise our own funds and rely on whatever scraps the USOC or the USFA throws our way.

My words in the last post (which I have taken down since) were passionate-written in a moment of absolute disgust at the USOC/USFA. I spent a lot of time this evening trying to go over the reasons why I would feel so angry over receiving a letter from the USOC about denying my "eligibility" for insurance and I came up with the following answers:


1. The form letter made me feel as though I was a non-entity. "Athlete X-you did not meet the criteria, therefore you are no longer worth our time."

2. I was very dissapointed at the USFA's unemotional answer to my situation. It seems that if you are not performing-you aren't worth a damn to the organization. I remember being treated differently when the women's foil team was actually churning out medals-apparently, you are only worth anything when you win.

3. This past year was hard for me and I acknowledge that I didn't perform up to "standards" or "expectations" but I felt that there were things that were almost beyond my control that prevented me from performing at my best. Although I do understand that when money is tight that "right now" is more important than the possiblity of potential but compassion is an asset that cannot be ignored.


All reasons set aside there is still no excuse for a poor reaction on my part. I hope that my teammates accept my apologies for acting so rash. My mind is always on this team and I feel lucky to be considered a part of such an amazing group of women (and men). It is a priviledge to be considered in the same group as the rest of the team. The most important lesson perhaps is that words on a blog are important and one must be careful about what they type. Words can cut deeper than the sword (sorry for the bad pun) but it's the truth in this situation.

I always try to be someone of integrity and truth-in this case, regarding my teammates, I came across in a very different light. I do appreciate my teammates telling me upfront how they felt about the blog and they were candid enough to tell me the truth about their personal situations. I truly appreciate the candor and the fact that you all came to me directly.

As for the USOC-I am still angry but I have come up with my own solutions. Besides finding insurance, I have resolved to take a breath before pressing the "publish post" button. Rational thinking is the way to go, or at least I've heard.

Thank you again to my teammates for their honesty and apologies for anything in my last blog that may have upset you.

In loving memory

IN LOVING MEMORY OF BEN GUTENBERG





This afternoon a young man, a teammate, and a friend died. Ben Gutenberg was only eighteen and just started William and Mary college this past September. A week or so ago Ben was in a car accident that took his fencing coach's life and took his a week later. We will miss you, Ben.

Since my words in this situation are probably either too trite or cliche in some way, I think it's best I leave this emotion of loss to the poets.


Do not stand at my grave and weep


Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!



Mary Frye (1932)


Shanti, shanti, shanti

Case of the Monday's

I hope everyone gets my reference of the movie Office Space in today's post title. If not, please go out and rent the movie because it's a classic. I especially like the scene when the employees finally destroy the copy machine that never seems to work.

As for today there isn't much to report except for the fact that I am a little sore and ready for bed at 9pm. I still have some stretching left to do but it's early to bed for me tonight. It's amazing how much time the athlete needs to sleep in order to recover. I feel if I don't get at least eight hours of sleep my body doesn't have a chance to fully recovered from the previous day's practices.

Anyways, I have decided to write the book anyways or at least start it. I think it would be an interesting way to pass the time and I am not truly looking for it to be published so much as it could be part of my process. The question is when I would have time to write between practice, sleeping eight hours, blogging, and traveling?

home after the holidays

It only took us eight and a half hours to drive back to Rochester from Princeton, NJ (where my relatives live). Usually, it only takes about six to seven hours to make that drive but there was a lot of holiday traffic today that caused all sorts of back ups on the road. Why must we rubber neck when we know it only causes the traffic to move slower?

I'm really glad to be home after ten or so days away. The training in NYC was great but it's nice to be back on my own schedule and routine. Also, my teammate and I have a lot of work to do with our coach, as always.

As for NYC:

While I was in the Big Apple, I met someone from a club in Buffalo that reads my blog from time to time. It was great to meet someone that has become such a fencing enthusiast in a short amount of time. His daughter has also been bitten by the ever contagious fencing bug. The both of them take fencing to such great lengths that they manage to schlep about an hour to take lessons once a week at the Rochester Fencing Club.

Why is this significant? I realized something after my conversation with this fencer. There are some people who read this blog and know some of my hidden comments about my old coach. I forget that there are people out there that know who I am talking about when I say "my old coach" especially since fencing is such a small community.

Another wierd thing also got me thinking about the subject of blogging about my coach. I fenced at his new club in NYC and he and I exchanged awkward hi's and goodbye's with little else in between. After all these years and everything we have been through he doesn't even talk to me-let alone look at me. However, I still haven't given up the old habit of looking at him while I am fencing (to get his approval). I wonder if he knows or if anyone has told him what I have gone through in the past few months. It seems like I have been talking about him to everyone except for him.

The bottom line is that although I want to tell the story of my past and my renewed outlook on the future, I don't want to ruin my old coach's career. He has a reputation and he has new students. I do warn some of the new and older students to watch their steps but I don't want to be a cause of him losing students. I realize I the risk losing his friendship and perhaps damaging his reputation by blogging but I still feel as though I have the right to share my story.

I'm sort of stuck in a rough place. In the fencing world everyone knows who he is and he has many students and many new students that are up and coming. Some of his students read this blog and some of them have asked me point blank questions about him and I have answered them truthfully. However, I don't want to turn his world upside down. I doubt I will do that entirely but it is not my intent.

There were many good things that came out of our relationship and I try to reconcile those good times with some of the harder moments we shared. Whenever I hear some Bob Dylan tune he used to play on long van trips or long car rides in Europe, I think of the fun times and his sense of humor. I definitely miss those times when we were just talking about nothing in particular-if anything, he has a charming demeanor and a great sense of humor outside of fencing.

For me the hardest thing is that we are no longer communicating. That is something that I have to come to terms with as well-someone who was once closer to me than my own parents is now just a part of my memory-even though he is still around and I still see him from time to time. We are no longer the same-neither he nor I are that same person we were when we last worked together three years ago. I am often torn between emotions of sadness of losing my relationship with him and being glad that I am no longer under his thumb.

I just hope that the things that are written here are taken with a grain of salt. I can only talk about the future if I connect it with the past but these thoughts are are colored by my own experiences and no one elses. I can't really talk about his current personality since we no longer communicate. I can only pass on the lessons I have learned in my career and the struggles I go through as I make my way to another Olympic team and beyond.

Anyways-that's my two cents about the issue and I am sure it's not the last I am going to say about it. I was thinking about writing a book after this whole ordeal but it would be hard considering it could hurt someone's career as a coach. Let's just say the decision isn't final.

I hope everyone has a great week!