Feelin' lucky

I received a check in the mail today from the Greater Rochester Amateur Foundation, and it turns out that a few people have donated to me after reading an article in the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle. I am not sure why I am surprised but I just didn't expect people to respond.

In addition to receiving some donations, I also received a few letters that encouraged me to follow my dreams. I think that the letters come at a very important time.

Next week officially starts the Olympic trials. The tournaments from now until April 2008 count towards Beijing-starting with Seoul, Korea a week from today.

When I spoke with my sport's psychologist this past week she told me that she hears a sense of calm in my voice that she's never heard before. I think part of that is due to last week's not so stellar performance in Tucson. There was a moment in my last match where I panicked. I had underestimated my opponent, she pulled ahead a bit and then I panicked. Right after the match I was stunned and couldn't understand where that panic came from but I definitely believe that we learn our biggest lessons with our biggest defeats.

After the tournament I stepped back to evaluate the tournament and I realized that the panic came because I was afraid to lose. The bottomline is that you cannot put everything into the fight, into each match, each touch, each competition, every practice, unless you are free of fear. Fear of losing, fear of other's people's perceptions, fear of not doing the right thing. The person who ends up winning isn't always the person who does everything perfectly but it is the person who wants it the most. If we are truly determined (and almost desparately determined) to reach a goal we don't experience the fear-we don't have time to bring fear into consideration.

The best part of competition is that it heightens stress and emotions to the point that it brings out the very best and the very worse of what you are feeling internally. In Tucson, I was not at my best but afterwards I made a pact with myself to finally rid myself the fear of losing. There isn't time for that if I am completely and utterly focused on making the team.

I have to admit that there was part of me, when this journey started, that wanted to hold myself back. In a way I was trying to protect myself after having fallen short of making the 2004 Olympic team. But now I have truly realized that I can't continue this and achieve the goals I have set out unless I put everything into this-blood, sweat, tears, heart, soul, everything. To the outside observer this may seem a bit extreme but this is also the reason that not everyone makes an Olympic team. It's also the reason that people are in awe of Olympians because of their determination and sacrifice to achieve a goal. So, who wants it most?

The answer is me.

quick update

Sorry for being so delayed in getting results to you. I am busy getting ready for the next set of tournaments coming up. My schedule is the following:

Wed-Fri fence at Penn State (just practice)

Saturday leave for San Francisco

Tuesday leave for Seoul, Korea

As you can see, the next week or so is kind of crazy and I am trying to prepare.

In Tucson I took 7th. Not my best result but I have many thoughts about it. It's a good thing that the tournament doesn't count for much.

I have much to talk about in the next blog.