I don't know how many of you have watched the movie Superman, new or old version, but most of you have to know the one thing that robs Superman of his super powers. His amazing strength, laser vision, and his speed can all be nuetralized by a substance called kryptonite.
If you asked me a week ago how I felt about the progress of my fencing I would have said I felt like Superman. But if you ask me about my fencing today, after the first day of the national women's foil camp, I would tell you I feel like Superman on kryptonite.
During my lesson yesterday I felt one little tweak in my knee and I immediately shut down all systems. I am very sensitive to things that go on with my knees especially having gone through three different knee surgeries, two on the left in 1998 and one on the right in 2005. At this point I can't tell between a harmless click in my knee from something more serious because I completely go numb emotionally and mentally when I feel any knee pain. I can't focus on anything else which makes things even worse. I believe the word FREAKOUT can be used in this situation.
The fact is, whenever I start to feel great about my physical health something goes wrong with these knees. There is a chance that this knee pain is just some scar tissue prying itself loose with all the activity or it could be something more serious. I'm thinking Floyd Landis with no hip joint serious.
I've made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor here in Rochester. He happens to work out of the same place as the doctor that did my knee surgeries in 1998. This other doctor and I don't really get along. Let's just say that he thought fencing wasn't a sport but I was too young to realize what a "second opinion" meant. On top of all that my coach was putting a lot of pressure on me to get things fixed as soon as possible (he's a little insane). Admittedly, the fault is ultimately my own.
The kicker about today is that I didn't get to fence with the campers. I feel like I helped to bring everyone together and yet I'm not part of it. I tried my best to remain upbeat and to offer some strip side advice, but my friends at the camp knew that I wasn't myself. I was Superman on kryptonite.
My coach said the following, "Things are going so well that I refuse to believe that there is anything seriously wrong with your knee." I have that same line going through my head. The fighter in me wants to push past this because I truly believe there are great accomplishments ahead and Beijing is still on the horizon-I can see it, damn it, I can SEE it. The flag, the anthem, my teammates, and me on that stage.
In the last thirty minutes of the movie Superman always breaks free and saves the town. Why? Because he believes that he can, the audience believes that he can, and this was what he was meant to do. Ultimately kryptonite is never strong enough to bring him down. The question for me is, how much do I want this and how hard am I willing to fight? The answer-it will take more than pain to stop me.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Camp-a-palooza TAKE TWO
The women's foil team is going to start a three day camp tomorrow. I have been busy trying to physically and mentally prepare for this camp so I've been somewhat unfocused on the blog. Sorry about that.
I'm a little worried about this camp for a few reasons. First, my knees have been hurting more consistently lately, so I am not sure if I am going to be able to go all out for the three days. Second, it almost feels too soon after the last camp to have another one and I think motivation levels will be a lot different. That being said, I do have confidence in our ability to get really competitive once we put all our fencing stuff on. I guess when someone tries to poke you with a steel pointy object you are apt to poke them back.
When I talk about being mentally prepared, I'm not talking about it in the sport sense of the word this time. I've been extremely stressed lately about trying to figure out how I am going to pay for everything while being unemployed. I estimated that it will probably cost me about $65,000 to fence for the next two years. Bills and collection agencies still come after you even when you aren't making money-surprise, surprise.
I had a meeting about a week ago with an influential figure in Rochester that is very familiar with raising money. She promised to help me connect to people that would be interested in donating money towards my endeavor. After our breafkast meeting I was extremely excited because if anyone was going to be able to help me raise money it would be her.
Then there's the reality of it all. There are many people out there that have made promises to me about money or sponsorship and only about ten percent of those who promise will come through. I wonder if this woman is going to be part of that ten percent or am I going to have to find a job? Finding a job would make it hard for me to train and travel.
My mother always tells me this one Buddhist saying at least once a week-"when you sleep you sleep, when you eat you eat, when you do something be in the moment and focus on nothing else." She's right but I don't tell her she's right because she's my mom and children never admit defeat. But, she's right. Every workout and practice is intense at this level that I have to be prepared by being rested, full of energy, and mentally focused. Working would only decrease the amount of energy I have for my training.
If I just fenced it would help me to even the playing field with all the Europeans that receive a pay check from their country to fence. The French are "postal workers", the Italians are "police officers", and the Russians are just paid directly without any false connections. Let's not get into the Chinese, I am sure they are building up some major incentives for their athletes to win a medal in the Beijing Olympics.
Many Americans drop out of fencing after college because they can't come up with the funds to fence. It's easier to get a job and move on with your life than try and bang your head against the wall everytime a bill comes in. Meanwhile on the world stage, senior fencers start to hit their stride when they are in their mid to late twenties. The top three women in the world are either 30 or about 30 years old. Americans are great fencers when they are about 17 and then they have a tendency to drop off the face of the Earth. The U.S. Fencing Association (USFA) has been unable to come up with ways to retain a lot of their best fencers as they age into senior level fencing. I'm a rare commodity-I hope they don't lose me.
Problem is still unsolved but it's still off to practice for me. Many things need to be done today-picking up the campers from the airport, making sure the fencing club is clean, and lots of rest before the three day camp.
I'm a little worried about this camp for a few reasons. First, my knees have been hurting more consistently lately, so I am not sure if I am going to be able to go all out for the three days. Second, it almost feels too soon after the last camp to have another one and I think motivation levels will be a lot different. That being said, I do have confidence in our ability to get really competitive once we put all our fencing stuff on. I guess when someone tries to poke you with a steel pointy object you are apt to poke them back.
When I talk about being mentally prepared, I'm not talking about it in the sport sense of the word this time. I've been extremely stressed lately about trying to figure out how I am going to pay for everything while being unemployed. I estimated that it will probably cost me about $65,000 to fence for the next two years. Bills and collection agencies still come after you even when you aren't making money-surprise, surprise.
I had a meeting about a week ago with an influential figure in Rochester that is very familiar with raising money. She promised to help me connect to people that would be interested in donating money towards my endeavor. After our breafkast meeting I was extremely excited because if anyone was going to be able to help me raise money it would be her.
Then there's the reality of it all. There are many people out there that have made promises to me about money or sponsorship and only about ten percent of those who promise will come through. I wonder if this woman is going to be part of that ten percent or am I going to have to find a job? Finding a job would make it hard for me to train and travel.
My mother always tells me this one Buddhist saying at least once a week-"when you sleep you sleep, when you eat you eat, when you do something be in the moment and focus on nothing else." She's right but I don't tell her she's right because she's my mom and children never admit defeat. But, she's right. Every workout and practice is intense at this level that I have to be prepared by being rested, full of energy, and mentally focused. Working would only decrease the amount of energy I have for my training.
If I just fenced it would help me to even the playing field with all the Europeans that receive a pay check from their country to fence. The French are "postal workers", the Italians are "police officers", and the Russians are just paid directly without any false connections. Let's not get into the Chinese, I am sure they are building up some major incentives for their athletes to win a medal in the Beijing Olympics.
Many Americans drop out of fencing after college because they can't come up with the funds to fence. It's easier to get a job and move on with your life than try and bang your head against the wall everytime a bill comes in. Meanwhile on the world stage, senior fencers start to hit their stride when they are in their mid to late twenties. The top three women in the world are either 30 or about 30 years old. Americans are great fencers when they are about 17 and then they have a tendency to drop off the face of the Earth. The U.S. Fencing Association (USFA) has been unable to come up with ways to retain a lot of their best fencers as they age into senior level fencing. I'm a rare commodity-I hope they don't lose me.
Problem is still unsolved but it's still off to practice for me. Many things need to be done today-picking up the campers from the airport, making sure the fencing club is clean, and lots of rest before the three day camp.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Delay
Sorry for the delay on the posts. I have actually been working out quite a lot in addition to remodeling the fencing gym. For some reason I decided I don't spend enough time at the fencing club, so I am now at the club afterhours and weekends in order to clean and remodel it. Lots of dust bunnies and trophies from the 1980's.
I have a blog post coming soon. :)
I have a blog post coming soon. :)
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