The pursuit of happiness

Just that phrase alone, "the pursuit of happiness", brings up 17,122 titles when entered into amazon.com's search engine. It's pretty amazing. There must be a lot of people out there trying to find happiness. (Insert "duhhh" here.)

Even the Dalai Lama wrote a book with that title, but from what my mom says, it's basically all the same mumbo jumbo-"in order to find happiness you must not look for it". Whatever that means. (Not that I have read the book but I am sure the Dalai Lama has a great formula for happiness.)

If I could give anything to the world it would be this joy I feel while trying to pursue my goal of making the Olympic team in a sport that I love. There are so many times that I want to give up. There are so many hills to climb. There is a lot of fund raising to be done, but at the end of the day, I'm here because I love to be here in this moment.

This past year after a frustrating loss, I asked my coach what was the point of doing all this competition and all this work if I am not winning? Nat looked at me with a bit of shock and began to tell me, very slowly, all the reasons why she put so much of her time and energy into fencing. She said, "I love the way the foil feels in my hand. I love the look on my students' faces when they finally get an action. I love the people in the sport-even though a lot of them are nutty. I love the way the floor of this fencing gym feels underneath my feet. I love going to competitions and trying my best even if there is a chance that I may lose, at least I gave it everything I had."

When she said all this my first reaction is that this woman must be crazy. She has to be weak. Why do anything at all if you can't win? I love fencing because I win a lot-or at least I used to.

Let me break from that conversation to side track to one I had last week with the very esteemed fencer and one of my good friends, Keeth Smart. Keeth reads my blog, which is an honor since this guy is not only a wonderful fencer but a wonderful human being.

Anyways, last week Keeth and I were talking about fencing, more specifically about my fencing. He said that he always admired my fencing and the way I used to laugh, joke, and seem to have so much fun while I was competing. We both agreed that it had been a long time since I was really like that until now.

This past week in Mont Tremblant at the Pan-American zonal championships I finally felt like myself. I feel like I have personally been on hiatus for a while but I am finally back-enjoying the sport.

I would like to think that this new found joy has come through understanding the value of the process and more importantly understanding what Nat was trying to tell me. What does it feel like to me to put that foil in my hand, bend my knees to get in en garde, and face my opponent? What does it feel like when I am bending my blade, taking my time, and trying to think of my next move? The feeling is indescribable and for this blog's sake I am going to call that feeling, happiness. Joy in the moment.

I've done a lot of work over this summer to get to the place I am now and I can honestly say that I feel lucky to have the opportunity to pursue my sport. Not just to make an Olympic team (although that is the goal) but to have an opportunity to do something for myself. Sounds kind of selfish but I believe that in trying to make myself into a better fencer, I am able to make myself into a better person, therefore being able to give back. Now hear me out. I hope that I can set an example and help some of the other kids coming up through the ranks. Also, I am very flattered to get an email once in a while from a close friend that says they gain inspiration and strength from my risks in order to go after their own personal goals. That to me is the highest form of flattery.

There are a lot more times than I would like to admit, that I find this journey too hard. Sometimes I decide that this is it and I can't possibly go on. But the best part is when I somehow find the strength to pick myself back up again in time to find out that I am stronger and can endure more than I think. And I am most thankful for this portion of the journey. Inner strength is nothing that can be bought or just found-you have to work to (as my friend "Master Chi" would say)-make that flame that already exists inside you grow and burn brighter.

Enough of this new agey business. My hope is that everyone finds something fulfilling to pursue that makes them question themselves, challenge themselves, and ultimately find them more whole and stronger than they could have ever imagined. I feel very lucky for this opportunity.

Cultural sensitivity

As if I didn't already have enough to do. This weekend the USOC is flying prospective Olympians to a small conference for two days in D.C. The Olympic Committee is actually holding this same conference in California and Colorado Springs for the athletes out on the west coast.

I haven't received a lot of information about why this is manditory but from what I heard from some poeple I gathered the following. The USOC is worried about the image of American athletes so we are going through media training (been there and done that) and some "cultural sensitivity training". Seriously? I could teach the Chinese culture class. What is really going on?

I'm intrigued as to why we have to go through this. My only guess is that there are a lot of other athletes in other sports that are causing problems because if a fencer at this level doesn't understand how to interact with other cultures, you must not be a good fencer. We travel so much that we should be able to deal with these situations and the lot of us have been through this before.

I wonder if there could be an exemption. The upside to this is that I get to reunite with some of my friends from the Beijing Press Tour and perhaps see some of my other athlete friends this weekend.

I'll let you know how it goes. Oh yeah, my mother said I am probably not Chinese enough and have to go through the training. My father thinks I'm too German, that's why I am told to go to D.C. this weekend to partake in the conference. Either way-I'm headed to D.C. on Friday.

Pan American Zonal Champions

A photo of the 2007 Pan American Zonal Champions.