The New Year

I know, I know. I've been a bad blogger lately but I assure you that I'm only partially to blame. The holidays are the real culprit in this matter. You can either spend the extra hour with your sister that's in town or you could spend some time blogging. You can spend time getting more presents and filling out one last Christmas card to an old friend, or you can spend your time blogging. Obviously I have been choosing the former over the latter. Sisters, Christmas cards, and old friends tend to take the priority.

I'm headed to NYC tomorrow to meet up with my teammate Hanna for a New Year's celebration. We felt that it was necessary to really bring this particular year in with a bang. It is 2008 afterall-the year of the Beijing Games! After a day of rest after our festivities it is back to work of course.

I am getting back to Rochester on the morning of the 4th because of an engagement I have with some volleyball players. Interesting. Apparently there is a fundraiser for the high school volleyball players in Rochester and I'm the guest speaker. I have to come up with ten minutes of awe inspiring material for a room full of high school female athletes. Any suggestions? There are a lot of things that I could probably talk about but I have no idea what would really be of use to these girls. It's been a while since I've been in high school.

Incidentally-I'm going to be turning 27 on the 6th of January. Just thought I'd put that out there! :)

Well, it's off to NYC for me and also time to plan for that speech. Ten minutes is a long time in front of a big crowd.

Happy New Year to everyone! I hope this year brings everyone great joy and success.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and a very Happy Holidays to everyone! I hope that you are having a nice and relaxing time with friends and family.

I know I've been busy hanging out with my family. I didn't receive many presents but I had a great time giving presents. :)

El Grande Apple

Here I am, back in New York City for the usual of training and physical therapy. I'm only here until Monday and then I go back to the usual routine in Rochester.

Apparently I bring the snow with me everywhere I go since there will be a huge snow storm in the city tomorrow. I wonder what counts as "huge" in NYC because in Rochester huge snow storm means something ridiculous like a few feet of snow in a short amount of time. But even then I think that Rochester would keep going and people would keep driving through it. I wonder what it will be like tomorrow in the city? It's kind of nice to see the city covered in white dusty snow for a few hours before it turns a brown or dark gray.

Oh yes, I had a comment about the last tournament. I fenced well and lost by one touch in over time to make it to the top-4 round, so I ended up fifth. In the long run of things the international tournament results will be more important than the national competition results.

One of the days in Richmond, I had a chance to speak to a retired fencer that I always admired but never really had the chance to talk to. (To give some people a hint, I believe he holds a record for how many national championships he's won.) We spoke about what it's like to be an "older" athlete in the sport and how to keep up motivation when you are no longer this young gun coming through the ranks. He mentioned that staying positive really helped him-he never got down on himself and felt that with more positive energy his results and successes were even greater. It just boils down to believing in yourself no matter what. In sport and perhaps in life, you have to be your own biggest fan sometimes.

Good thing I have Mama Zimmermann to keep me in check.

Good luck to all the New Yorkers in tomorrow's snow storm.

Up and coming

Haven't posted much on the blog since the apology. I've been a bit busy for the past week getting ready for the next tournament, which is the National Circuit this weekend in Richmond, VA.

The weather in Rochester has changed my travel plans a bit as I am going to try and leave at the wonderful hour of 6am on Friday instead of later in the afternoon that day. I'm not sure if it's going to help since it seems that there is no end to the snow flurries either day or night.

On the training side-things have been going well although, the past two days my trainer has put me through the ropes but of course I wouldn't tell him that (I'm also glad he doesn't read the blog). I also wouldn't tell him that my left thigh and gluteous maximus (sp?) is sore...even though it is...very much so. I'll have to start tapering down the workouts soon since I fence on Sunday.

This blog is as exciting as I feel right at this moment. Is it lame to go to bed at 8:55pm?

An Apology

First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my teammates for anything I said in my last blog about the insurance issue that might have hurt them. It was never my intent to hurt anyone and my words were created from anger which you were in no way responsible for. Nothing means more to me than this team and my teammates and I therefore offer my humblest apologies.

The reality is, as one of my closest teammates puts it, is that we (the fencers) all struggle. We are all together in this as a team of fencers-sacrificing a lot in order to achieve a life's goal or dream. I apologize again for making light of anyone's situation or making it seem my situation was much more dire than another's. In a way, it makes me feel less alone to know that we are all in the same boat together. The truth is that all of us aren't paid athletes and we must raise our own funds and rely on whatever scraps the USOC or the USFA throws our way.

My words in the last post (which I have taken down since) were passionate-written in a moment of absolute disgust at the USOC/USFA. I spent a lot of time this evening trying to go over the reasons why I would feel so angry over receiving a letter from the USOC about denying my "eligibility" for insurance and I came up with the following answers:


1. The form letter made me feel as though I was a non-entity. "Athlete X-you did not meet the criteria, therefore you are no longer worth our time."

2. I was very dissapointed at the USFA's unemotional answer to my situation. It seems that if you are not performing-you aren't worth a damn to the organization. I remember being treated differently when the women's foil team was actually churning out medals-apparently, you are only worth anything when you win.

3. This past year was hard for me and I acknowledge that I didn't perform up to "standards" or "expectations" but I felt that there were things that were almost beyond my control that prevented me from performing at my best. Although I do understand that when money is tight that "right now" is more important than the possiblity of potential but compassion is an asset that cannot be ignored.


All reasons set aside there is still no excuse for a poor reaction on my part. I hope that my teammates accept my apologies for acting so rash. My mind is always on this team and I feel lucky to be considered a part of such an amazing group of women (and men). It is a priviledge to be considered in the same group as the rest of the team. The most important lesson perhaps is that words on a blog are important and one must be careful about what they type. Words can cut deeper than the sword (sorry for the bad pun) but it's the truth in this situation.

I always try to be someone of integrity and truth-in this case, regarding my teammates, I came across in a very different light. I do appreciate my teammates telling me upfront how they felt about the blog and they were candid enough to tell me the truth about their personal situations. I truly appreciate the candor and the fact that you all came to me directly.

As for the USOC-I am still angry but I have come up with my own solutions. Besides finding insurance, I have resolved to take a breath before pressing the "publish post" button. Rational thinking is the way to go, or at least I've heard.

Thank you again to my teammates for their honesty and apologies for anything in my last blog that may have upset you.

In loving memory

IN LOVING MEMORY OF BEN GUTENBERG





This afternoon a young man, a teammate, and a friend died. Ben Gutenberg was only eighteen and just started William and Mary college this past September. A week or so ago Ben was in a car accident that took his fencing coach's life and took his a week later. We will miss you, Ben.

Since my words in this situation are probably either too trite or cliche in some way, I think it's best I leave this emotion of loss to the poets.


Do not stand at my grave and weep


Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!



Mary Frye (1932)


Shanti, shanti, shanti

Case of the Monday's

I hope everyone gets my reference of the movie Office Space in today's post title. If not, please go out and rent the movie because it's a classic. I especially like the scene when the employees finally destroy the copy machine that never seems to work.

As for today there isn't much to report except for the fact that I am a little sore and ready for bed at 9pm. I still have some stretching left to do but it's early to bed for me tonight. It's amazing how much time the athlete needs to sleep in order to recover. I feel if I don't get at least eight hours of sleep my body doesn't have a chance to fully recovered from the previous day's practices.

Anyways, I have decided to write the book anyways or at least start it. I think it would be an interesting way to pass the time and I am not truly looking for it to be published so much as it could be part of my process. The question is when I would have time to write between practice, sleeping eight hours, blogging, and traveling?

home after the holidays

It only took us eight and a half hours to drive back to Rochester from Princeton, NJ (where my relatives live). Usually, it only takes about six to seven hours to make that drive but there was a lot of holiday traffic today that caused all sorts of back ups on the road. Why must we rubber neck when we know it only causes the traffic to move slower?

I'm really glad to be home after ten or so days away. The training in NYC was great but it's nice to be back on my own schedule and routine. Also, my teammate and I have a lot of work to do with our coach, as always.

As for NYC:

While I was in the Big Apple, I met someone from a club in Buffalo that reads my blog from time to time. It was great to meet someone that has become such a fencing enthusiast in a short amount of time. His daughter has also been bitten by the ever contagious fencing bug. The both of them take fencing to such great lengths that they manage to schlep about an hour to take lessons once a week at the Rochester Fencing Club.

Why is this significant? I realized something after my conversation with this fencer. There are some people who read this blog and know some of my hidden comments about my old coach. I forget that there are people out there that know who I am talking about when I say "my old coach" especially since fencing is such a small community.

Another wierd thing also got me thinking about the subject of blogging about my coach. I fenced at his new club in NYC and he and I exchanged awkward hi's and goodbye's with little else in between. After all these years and everything we have been through he doesn't even talk to me-let alone look at me. However, I still haven't given up the old habit of looking at him while I am fencing (to get his approval). I wonder if he knows or if anyone has told him what I have gone through in the past few months. It seems like I have been talking about him to everyone except for him.

The bottom line is that although I want to tell the story of my past and my renewed outlook on the future, I don't want to ruin my old coach's career. He has a reputation and he has new students. I do warn some of the new and older students to watch their steps but I don't want to be a cause of him losing students. I realize I the risk losing his friendship and perhaps damaging his reputation by blogging but I still feel as though I have the right to share my story.

I'm sort of stuck in a rough place. In the fencing world everyone knows who he is and he has many students and many new students that are up and coming. Some of his students read this blog and some of them have asked me point blank questions about him and I have answered them truthfully. However, I don't want to turn his world upside down. I doubt I will do that entirely but it is not my intent.

There were many good things that came out of our relationship and I try to reconcile those good times with some of the harder moments we shared. Whenever I hear some Bob Dylan tune he used to play on long van trips or long car rides in Europe, I think of the fun times and his sense of humor. I definitely miss those times when we were just talking about nothing in particular-if anything, he has a charming demeanor and a great sense of humor outside of fencing.

For me the hardest thing is that we are no longer communicating. That is something that I have to come to terms with as well-someone who was once closer to me than my own parents is now just a part of my memory-even though he is still around and I still see him from time to time. We are no longer the same-neither he nor I are that same person we were when we last worked together three years ago. I am often torn between emotions of sadness of losing my relationship with him and being glad that I am no longer under his thumb.

I just hope that the things that are written here are taken with a grain of salt. I can only talk about the future if I connect it with the past but these thoughts are are colored by my own experiences and no one elses. I can't really talk about his current personality since we no longer communicate. I can only pass on the lessons I have learned in my career and the struggles I go through as I make my way to another Olympic team and beyond.

Anyways-that's my two cents about the issue and I am sure it's not the last I am going to say about it. I was thinking about writing a book after this whole ordeal but it would be hard considering it could hurt someone's career as a coach. Let's just say the decision isn't final.

I hope everyone has a great week!

Thanksgiving is just around the corner

Just finished up a great camp in NYC and it's onto Thanksgiving. I think I may just make an apple pie-a fencer and a baker. Who knew?

It's late so it's off to bed for me at this moment but I have much to write tomorrow when I have the day off to hang out around the city. Nice life, eh?

A bit of an update

Today's blog might not be super inspired but at least it gives some info about where I have been and where I am going.

Where I have been.

I spent the last weekend in Penn State fencing with some of the team members there. the unfortunate part is that I hurt my ankle/foot somehow and I am unable to put too much pressure on it. No sweat though-I think with some rest and treatment it will be fine very soon.

Where I am going.

Of course I am not going to stay in Rochester for too long. I'm always moving about-my friend tells me I should become a pilot so I can at least get paid for all of my mileage. I don't know about that.

I am headed to NYC this week for a national camp. After that I am headed to New Jersey to visit some family for Thanksgiving.

So, that's my agenda for the next two weeks. I am sure I will have lots to say after the camp since right now things are just status quo-going to the gym, fencing, etc. It's sort of like watching reruns for right now.

Hope all is well! Have a great week!

Advice

I added a new person to my "entourage" today. It's a yoga teacher than has some fame here in Rochester for being a teacher of Iyengar yoga. His name is Francois Raoult and his yoga studio is called Open Sky Yoga which is situated behind the very beautiful Rochester Zen Center.

He was very knowledgable and had some great things to say but they were a lot of the same things that the other parts of my "entourage" were saying about me and fencing. The sport of fencing makes the body very asymmetrical and causes imbalances which can lead to injuries, such as the various knee injuries I have had. There is no surprise there. He also talked about how tight my hips are-there is definitely no surprise there. I have been spending an hour each day (per my physical therapists instructions) to stretch. I also have to stretch after practice which is even harder because all I want to do after practice is go home, eat, and sleep.

So, what is my point here? Well, I had a bit of a revelation while I was sitting there listening to Francois. It wasn't that his information was bad or not useful, but I thought-at some point I have to make the decision of what is best for me. I have so many people telling me to do this and that to make my fencing better but at what point do I chime in with my own voice?

Considering my past-it was quite novel for me to ask that question. What do I feel is necessary for me?

I've also never really and truly been a mature athlete. It's one thing to be young and under someone's wing but it is another thing to be doing something long enough that you have to finally go-"you know what? I would rather do this instead of that". You also have to be wise enough to take the information you need and integrate it into what you already have. This task isn't that easy.

Here is where I think sport mirrors life. Isn't this all just a part of growing up? In a "normal"/general situation the parent makes the decision for the kids. Then the kids start to grow up and form opinions of their own and it's about this time the parents start to get major gray hairs. Then the kid goes off to college and starts to establish themselves and I wouldn't say that the kid really comes into their own until after college is over. At that time the adult has to decide what to take from their past, what to make new, and what their real identity is and where it lies.

Anyways, enough philosophy for now. It's time for me to sleep since I've already done the other two of return home and eat. Much needs to be done tomorrow including lots and lots of stretching.

One more thing. I am headed to Penn State on Thursday with my teammate Hanna to spend the weekend fencing with the students and alum there.

Any Given Sunday

Definitely interesting day.

Let's start off with the gym this morning. I made a point to introduce myself to Ursula Burns, the president of Xerox and can be scene on the cover of this month's Fortune magazine. I told her how inspiring it is to meet a woman with that type of a position at a company. She's definitely a tough woman-I've seen her work out at the gym. She and I spoke about the Olympics and she mentioned that Xerox sends the execs there to watch the games. She also told me to keep in touch with her-I'm looking forward to it since I also mentioned I was interested in going to business school after all is said and done with the Games.

Then I met with Hanna, my teammate, to have lunch and go over our last few weeks apart. It's nice to have her back because it will really step up the training at the club.

The most interesting part about lunch was that not only did the waitress recognize me, "Aren't you Iris Zimmermann?" but there was another couple as we walked out that also recognized me. They said they were so happy to meet me and Hanna because they love the Olympics. In fact, their first date was watching the 2004 Olympic Games. Even I haven't had a date like that. But to honor their relationship I gave them two Olympics pins that I conveniently had in my car. I wonder if they think all Olympians carry around extra pins for just those occasions?

Then an old friend of mine, I have known him for about ten years, bumped into me after lunch. He and I had a long conversation about our separate meditation and yoga practices and at the end of the conversation I asked if the cafe he worked at still had job openings. I could work a few nights a week, get to know some people in town, make a little money, and have a bit of a break from training. I think that over thinking and over analyzing can contribute to over training and lack of desire and passion. My schedule from now until February is a little crazy but does allow some time to work. Besides, I think it would be a good break to go to a coffee shop on the weekends after my gym routines. This time I would be making money instead of draining money into lattes.

So, that is my day. Meeting the President of Xerox, finding a couple who loves the Olympics, and filling out an application to work at a cafe near the fencing club. The cafe has free wireless-perhaps more blogs are on the way?

I hope all of you enjoyed the weekend as much as I did. Have a great Monday!

the flip side

In some of my blog posts I think-do people really believe I am this happy all the time with my Olympic pursuit? Especially after my last post I may have made it seem as though I have crossed over into this world of child's play. Well, here I am to squash those myths.

NYC was a place of a lot of realization for me. Not only were my conversations with my friends great and inspiring but the city itself ignited something in me.

I had a chance to stay at my friend's apartment and since he was never there it felt like I was living on my own again. That taste of freedom was a little too exciting for me because living with my parents at 26 years old isn't always what it is cracked up to be. I love my parents and especially the food my mom makes each night but living with them was never really in the long term after college plans. It wasn't even a should of-it was something of a life or death issue. (Just kidding.)

This new life in Rochester has opened many doors for me personally, but it has also put a bit of a damper on my social life. Let's not even ask how long it's been since I have been on a date or even asked out on a date. This is where everyone chimes in with a collective, "awwwww...". I know, I know, very tragic.

Traveling, training, and living with my parents isn't really the perfect formula for meeting friends let alone meeting potential boyfriends. Alright I do give that it isn't all that great to be "distracted" by relationships but sometimes that distraction is much needed when each day is filled with thoughts about fencing or fencing related topics. There is only so much Scrabble I can play with my Dad or so many movies I can watch with my Mom. My teammate, Hanna, and I do hang out but there are limited places to go in a small city like Rochester. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

The reality is that I miss this other life I lead. The one where I wore outfits each day that didn't include my standard uniform of sweats, sports bra, socks, and snekers. I also miss having nights out with my good friends-talking over the phone isn't always the same as seeing each other in person. None of my friends live here and going out alone is more depressing than staying at home on a Friday. Complain, complain.

Okay, how many notches have I gone down in your book now? I know these complaints aren't really that crucial in the big scheme of things, but I do have to acknowledge the fact that being in NYC last week made me long for the life in a bigger city with more things to do and more people to meet. Don't get me wrong-Rochester is an interesting city..if you are raising kids, not if you are 26 years old and single. Just keeping it real-so to speak.

I do understand that the choices we make put some things on the back burner while other parts of our lives become a higher priority. The best and worst quote-"Nothing ever stays the same. Change is always constant." I am sure that I will be yearning for more time in the gym a year from now. Grass is always greener? Maybe I should read my last blog post and just be happy in this moment.

Enough about my rants and ravings. It's almost my bedtime-I have to get up early again tomorrow to hit the gym.

Happy Halloween!

Swingsets, sandboxes, and playgrounds

A friend of mine turned 37 years old the other day and I asked him what age he really felt. This of course was after several jokes about aging at his expense. Even after all the jokes he looked me square in the eye, as only he knows how to do, and answered, "I feel 25". Then he said something that I've been thinking about a lot since our conversation. He said that he feels 25, but inside he sometimes feels like he never left the 15 year old kid behind. That's true-he's quite the prankster.

Today I overheard a couple of women who had a conversation about age. One said that I can't believe I'm 40 years old, and of course that was followed by the obligatory, "you don't look that old, come on, stop it, you aren't forty". The truth is that this woman does not look her age at all and I'm always very taken aback by her exotic beauty. Then another woman, aged 65, chimed in and said that sometimes she looks in the mirror and can't seem to believe what is staring back at her. The wrinkles on her face represent an age that she doesn't connect with when she is away from the mirror. The bottom line is that these women don't really look their age, whatever that means. In this Botox world, age has become a very fluid and sometimes paralyzed concept.

We are all very much defined by age-at 16 we get a driver's license, 18 we can vote and smoke and enlist in the military, at 21 we can drink, then the birthdays sort of fall off. We start counting the numbers and start to get scared somewhere down the line. Shouldn't I be married, shouldn't I have kids, shouldn't I? Shouldn't I? This is similar to the the doubts I expressed when I first started my journey, I'm 25 years old, shouldn't I move on from fencing and start my career? Shouldn't I be moving towards my "real life"?

In my (humble) opinion we are sometimes too busy getting to certain ages and doing all the shoulds that we don't just stop and have some fun. Even saying those words seems a little off. We don't all have to quit our jobs and start fencing but isn't it time we make room for something we love in our lives? The pursuit of something for the sake of it's pursuit rather than the pursuit for an absolute end result. Very revolutionary concept in this day and age.

My friend who turned 37 years old last week mentioned that we should spend some time nurturing and loving our inner kids. To laugh more and be more present like only kids can be. Children aren't thinking or worrying about what they are going to do in next minute or hour, they are immersed in what they are doing at the moment they are doing it.

This point struck another cord with me today when I stayed for a while after my practice to hang out and teach the younger group of fencers. The room was filled with so much joy and excitement, which was so great to witness and be a part of. I laughed with them as they make jokes (at my expense of course) and I reveled in their curiosity about the most random things.

Where does the joy for life go when we grow up? I think that my friend is right-the little kid in everyone needs some time to play without structure. I think that's why when I got back from the world championships I spent some time walking in the park and swinging on the swing sets. I must have been an odd sight at the park but it was so much fun to fly through the air, with my feet kicking away as I rose higher and higher. I truly enjoyed the experience of having the breeze blow through my hair and the broad grin on my face.

What does this have to do with training? Everything. Being present in the moment and enjoying what I do even on the hardest days makes all the difference. Before this year, I spent twenty years practicing for the next thing without ever really enjoying the process or even enjoying the moments that I would succeed. To my coach, to me as a driven girl, one gold medal meant I had to strive for another gold medal to continue to prove that I belonged on top. They say that experiences and joy are truly lost on youth and I can't say that is entirely untrue. I think I was more stressed out at 15 than I am at 27-maybe my inner kid is the more mature one? Or maybe now we are old enough now to enjoy the things that kids take for granted? We shouldn't miss that opportunity.

So the moral of this rambling story is to enjoy some time with your inner kid and have save moments to laugh or play. Be present in the moment. As Will Smith says in the movie Hitch, "Live each day as if it were on purpose."

P.S.

P.S. I found (actually a friend of mine found) a great yoga place in NYC after the blog post of the nightmare yoga studio. I went there and the vibe was everything I was looking for in a yoga studio. You can read about Dharma Yoga Center by clicking here. If you are ever in NYC I do recommend going there for a class.

Home....again....

I flew back to Rochester this afternoon from NYC where I had a great week of trainings, getting treated, and visiting various friends. There is never enough time in a new york minute to fit everything in and unfortunately I couldn't see all of my friends. Besides I was technically there on "business" if you can truly call fencing a business.

Tomorrow will be my first day back in the gym in about three weeks. I don't think I have stepped foot in the Mid-twon athletic club and the fencing center for about that long. I'm looking forward to seeing the familiar faces and getting back to work on a regular daily schedule.

I hope everyone has a great week ahead of them.

Oh yeah, trick or treat! Or is it Happy Thanksgiving or is it Merry Christmas since Holiday knick knacks are already out in all the stores. Why would I fill out Christmas cards in October when you can send them the day before Christmas. Should I have already addressed and sent out my Channukah cards?

I digress.

Have a great and productive week!

The big apple

I arrived in NYC on Monday and it's only taken me a few short days to get nice and sore. Someone said to me once that pain is weakness leaving the body and if that is the case I am one strong chick.

It's amazing how much you can accomplish in NYC in a very short amount of time. The past few days have been filled with physical therapy appointments, fencing, yoga, and a visit with some of my close friends.

The yoga is the part that took me by surprise. Yoga for me is a very meditative and introspective practice while going slowly into poses. The interesting thing is that yoga has become nycfied and instead of being relaxing, the yoga studio I went to was almost masochistic. The instructor started the class with some chants, which isn't abnormal, but she was yelling the chants. I couldn't even hear myself think while she was shouting OMmmmmm at the top of her lungs. Then when I tried to modify certain poses because I can't really get into them very easily, she would force me into a pose of yell something like-FEET TOGETHER! or TOUCH THE PALM TO THE GROUND! I wanted to say-hey lady, if I could touch my entire palm on the ground with my legs in this position, I wouldn't be in this class.

Needless to say, I needed some time after the yoga class to decompress. I feel like people in the city could use more classes that are restful since they live such hectic lives but logic and reason does not always prevail.

Fencing here has been great and I'm looking forward to tonight because we are doing some video analyzation of the Italian team. I have been impressed by the effectiveness of their footwork patterns and strategies. I am sure talking about video tape is really exciting for the blog readers.

Anyways, it's time to get going on this day. Hope everyone is having a great week!

All things have to come to an end

Alas, my days were numbered at Shangri-La. I would love to return to those sunny days walking along the lake with the mountains in the background, but I am back to Rochester and back to reality.

This morning greeted me with dark clouds and rain as I made my way to the gym. It wasn't the way I wanted to start back into things but as the song says, we can't always get what we want.

Making a slight transition but in the same vain as "all good things have to come to an end", I would like to begin the discussion about Marion Jones. For those of you who don't know who she is, Marion is the track star from the Sydney and Athens games. She has several medals under belt (or used to until she gave them back two weeks ago).

I can't tell you how sad I was to find out that she admitted to "juicing up" for the Olympics because from what I hear she was so talented that she didn't need to. I remember standing near her during the opening ceremonies of the Sydney Games and she was a super star amongst the Olympic athletes. Here we all were, the best of the best of our sports, and some of us were going up to her for autographs.

I am so dissapointed to hear about her. According to an article I read she is now married to a former track athlete, has a four year old son, and is broke. How sad-she went from being a super star to another poor ex-athlete.

Things brings me to what I've been thinking about since I read about Marion. Does the ends justify the means? A lot of athletes succumb to pressure, peer pressure, pressure from parents, pressure from fans, pressure from coaches and teammates to do everything it takes to win that medal. Is it really that important? I mean yes, I would love to have a gold medal, but am I willing to sacrifice my morals and values in order to do so? Am I willing to cheat to make it happen?

I once dated a shot put player for a VERY brief period at Stanford before the 2004 Games. He was much smaller than the rest of the shot put guys but he was very strong and could throw far. There were scandals then about track athletes using steroids and I asked him if he would be willing to take them. He said he would because it evens the field, everyone takes supplements. I wasn't shocked that he would but I remember being taken aback that he was so matter a fact about it. He didn't even blink when he answered and it was almost like I asked him if he could inhale and exhale.

However, I am sure in the moment Marion felt that it was the best thing to do. I'm not saying I would go that route but I don't think I blame her entirely for her actions. Dave Chapelle during his comedy routine mentions Michael Jackson and all his surgeries and he says, "In some sick twisted way he did it for you". And I think in this case, in some sick twisted way Marion wasn't srong inside and caved to media, fan, and personal pressure to succeed.

What is this doing to the athlete? What are we willing to sacrifice to win? Everyone believes that an athlete should live, breathe, and die their sport but at what cost to the person as a whole? Dedication is one thing but unhealthly obsession over achievement is another.

This topic strikes a cord with me not only because it's about Marion Jones whom I admired during the Sydney Games but the question, "Does the end justify the means?", comes up often in my talk about athletes. What are we willing to sacrifice in order to win that precious medal? What does that mean to you?

The ones who know me and read this blog, understand what I went through for twenty years of my life-utter abuse, physically and mentally, from my former coach. At the time it was fine and accepted because I was winning everything (the ends justified his abuse and also made it worse in the end) but now as an adult this method no longer serves me as an athlete and human being. The road is much harder and sometimes not as clear in terms of results but in terms of life things have never been better.

I hope this last paragraph wasn't too obtuse for most of you but I don't think I am quite ready to reveal everything on this blog. I am hoping to eventually write a book about the relationships between coaches and athletes sometime down the line but the wound is still too much on the surface.

To sum things up I think this debate has many layers to it as most good debates do. I am sad for Marion and I am sad that she did what she did. However, I understand that she probably felt a lot of pressure from outside sources which over road her better judgement. The unfortunate thing is that she is not the only one to crack. There is so much pressure to break new records to be better than the last, to be a hero, to be a super person that sometimes the athletes don't even question whether or not this is wrong. "If everyone is doing it, it just makes sense for me to as well."

And finally, a message to every athlete. The ends DOES NOT justify the means. When it's wrong, it's just wrong. An abusive coach, taking steroids, if you are a good athlete you will get there. Besides, the medal isn't everything and it is in the pursuit that we know and reveal our true selves. After the medal you will still be Marion Jones and you will have to live with your decisions for the rest of your life.

Well, all good things have to come to an end and this blog entry has reached it's finale.

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend! I'm off to NYC for training and treatment on Monday morning until the following Saturday.

Shangri-La

I'm lucky my sister lives in such a beautiful place that is perfect for a small respite from the Olympic run.

There isn't much to say except for I think I've never been so relaxed. I've gotten a hair cut, taken many naps, walked my friend Gwen's dog everyday around the lake, and now I am off to a yoga retreat near Denver. I do have to talk about the lake though.

Every morning the sun rises over the mountains and reflects into the lake. The water is calm except for the few duck families passing by every once in a while. Everyone is happily walking their dogs while children play on swingsets and jungle gym nearby. Everything is framed by the sometimes snow capped mountains in the background. The word for it is picturesque but I prefer to use Shangri-La. I love Denver.

The ashram we are going to is called Shoshoni Retreat and we will be spending the next 24 hours doing yoga, meditation, eating vegetarian foods, and exploring the surroundings. I am definitely falling in love with this place, not sure if I want to return to real life just yet.

I did try to do some real work in the gym yesterday but I decided it was too nice out to be stuck lifting weights so I went to the lake again for a walk. I am definitely resting mind, body, and spirit.

Wish you all were here.

Denver!

I better get to sleep soon since I have to catch a plane to Denver at 7am tomorrow. I'm going westward to visit my sister Felicia for a week. She has a break between projects at work and I have a week off before I continue training for the rest of the season.

Felicia and I are planning on attending a two day yoga retreat close to Denver. I'm looking forward to sharing a one room, one bed, no electricty, heat or water hut with my sister for two days. I just hope that the water in the communal bath house is warm. Right now I'm sort of picturing a bucket with a string or maybe a metal bathtub? This should be an interesting two days.

Besides the one room hut and bucket shower, I am truly looking forward to a week where I am not thinking about fencing (although I probably will do a lot of thinking about fencing anyways). At least I am not putting my fencing stuff on for a good week because sometimes this journey can suffer from tunnel vision. Both my chiropractor and massage therapist told me to take the time to center myself and truly use the time to rest both the body and mind. There won't be another week long opportunity like this until the end of the season. Meditation, yoga, and vegetarian food here I come!

I still can't believe that the Olympics are less than a year away.

After I get back from Denver I am headed to NYC for a week to fence and get treated for my various ailments. I haven't been to the Big Apple in a while and I'm looking forward to going back. A trip to the city is always a fun time even when I feel like I get caught up in the faster pace. I'm sure my NYC friends that read this blog are thinking that I'm a big country bumpkin after that sentence. Maybe I shouldn't tell them that I saw a deer on my way home from the fencing club this evening.

I know that I still have yet to comment on the Marion Jones incident but I promise I will. In the meantime, you can read about what happened to her by clicking here.

It's truly a sad story and it's definitely worth the discussion.

See you all in Denver!

Recap on Mother Russia

It turns out that results don't always add up to the way that you feel like you performed. I hate to say it but I fenced well but not well enough to beat the Russian to make the next round (to the top-32). I was close but no cigar in the end. It wasn't even the cheering Russian fans that did it in for me, I just think I made one or two errors that cost me the match.

As for the team event. I fenced really well and I think the team fenced very well as a whole. We were one touch away from beating Romania to make it to the round of top-8. It's unfortunate but we are still about forty points ahead of Venezuela to qualify a team for the Olympics.

That's the short and long of the description of World Championships. It didn't go badly and I think I fenced well overall, but unfortunately my result wasn't super spectacular. They never said that qualifying for the Olympics would be easy.

back from Russia

I just got back from Russia late last night and I am totally jet lagged. I don't think I've ever been this tired from a trip before-maybe I'm getting old or maybe it was the four hour lay over in Paris and the five hour lay over in NYC? Who knows.

I thought I would share a picture that a friend of mine took of me on the plane. It gives you an idea of how I feel right about now.




It's a little dark but I think you get the picture.

I'm going to blog later today about the whole trip and my thoughts on it later today. I'm also planning to comment on the recent events with Marion Jones-she had to return her medals from the Olympic Games after pleading guilty to taking banned substances. I remember seeing her at Sydney and I have lots of thoughts on the matter-coming up soon.

Hope all is well and you didn't miss me too much!

In transit

Just wanted to say that I am about to board a plane to Paris....the stop before St. Petersburg. I hope to get another blog in while we are Paris waiting for the next flight, especially since we have a seven hour lay over. Do you think we have enough time?




Here is a lovely photo of Hanna and I in transit. Caption: I wouldn't say this is our best picture..just look at the shiny forehead! OY! However, I am wearing my new glasses.

See you in Paris!

Return to the Motherland

I lived in Moscow for about four months in 2005, and I have been back once since then to fence. There is a lot of history for me in that country and especially the city of St. Petersburg-the site of this year's World Championships.

The following are short stories about a few of my trips to Mother Russia.

First story: Moscow, 1999

I made my first senior world cup final at the Moscow world cup in 1999. I was about eighteen then and had started at Stanford that year. I remember that Buckie was so proud of me that he bought me a shot of vodka. I am definitely a cheap date so I went up to accept my medal just a little tipsy.


Second story: St. Petersburg, 2004

This one is not as fun as the first story. St. Petersburg was the last competition for selection of the 2004 team. There was only one individual that could qualify to compete for USA women's foil at the Olympics that year. It was at this competition that I needed to just make the top-32, something I had done many times over in my career, in order to make the team. I was leading a Russian girl and in the last period I lost to her making me two points short overall of making the 2004 team. Just writing these words is tough for me.

The interesting thing is that my current coach was coaching Felicia at the time and she consoled me in the bathroom. I was just sobbing uncontrollably.

It was also the last time Buckie ever coached me in a competition. He and I were through. We had a short talk and the end and he said he thought I would make the team and I said I didn't and I felt like it was partly his fault. And we left it at that, nothing more and nothing less. It still pisses me off to think that is how we ended our twenty year career together. But that is definitely a story for another day.


Third story: Moscow and St. Petersburg, 2005

This one is definitely happier than the second. The whole Stanford in Moscow exchange program went to St. Petersburg for a trip during our quarter abroad. We had a great time there and it was at that time I had no intention of coming back to fencing. I did fence a bit in Moscow but I felt like it was already over for me. Was I secretly thinking that I would come back? I seriously doubted that at the time.

I even remember talking to some fencers from Moscow and they would ask me whether or not I would return. I would laugh and say absolutely not and they would respond that fencing is always in the blood. Russians-always so dramatic. True, but dramatic.


Fourth story: St. Petersburg, 2007

This story has yet to be written. This is the story of my return to St. Petersburg as a fencer ready to fence at the World Championships. I'm looking foward to going back, practicing my ever decreasing Russian vocabulary, and visit the Hermitage. I just remember how much I loved that city.

What I loved most about St. Petersburg was it's history of Tsars and Tsarinas, especially the story about Catherine the Great. She was quite the character, you can click here to find out more about her.



My flight leaves on Saturday and I will arrive in St. Petersburg sometime on Sunday by way off Rochester-Newark-Paris. Apparently you can't fly directly to St. Petersburg-or maybe you can't fly directly there on a budget.


By the way-I appreciate everyone's comments about the blog. All are very useful and fun to hear.

what's in a name?

I'm all about nicknames. You can ask my teammates about it-I've probably had a hand in creating the nicknames they have on the team. I call it the women's foil frasority, we have a couple of guys in our group as well.

Hanna is "skinny" (self-explanatory)
Emily is "the brain" (she goes to Harvard)
Erinn is "guns" (since she broke her finger she has managed to find a way to hit from the hip)
Doris is "the kid" (she's the youngest)
Nat is "the owl" (because she's so wise)
Mike is "the mission" (he is always on a mission and his fencing club is in the mission in SF)
My name-well that is still being decided.

My original nickname was "Mama". Mostly because I was the one with the most experience on the team (although Erinn is older and has just about as much experience), I've been around a long time, and I have a tendency to want to take care of others.

However, this past week I was thinking about it. There is a lot in a name-just take Romeo and Juliet for example, where I ripped the title of this blog from. There is a lot in a name-some names you don't like because you don't like the person they are associated with. Did you have a run in with Rose? Do you like the name Chad because he was your high school sweetheart?

Names are important. Nicknames are just as important because they are supposed to represent a very concentrated part of you. I just wasn't feeling like I was the name Mama. I am still a competitor, I still want to win, and Mama just seems like I should have three kids and a minivan. Nothing wrong with that but not at this moment in my life.

An old Rochester Fencing Club teammate of mine came to visit the club last week during the fencing camp. She made a face when I told her that my nickname was Mama. Julianna knew me as a youngster so Mama would never make sense to her. More importantly, Mama would never make sense to her because I was always so intent on beating the crap out of everyone at fencing practice. I was an intense teenager I guess.

Her words made me think. How did I go from this super intense person to a nurturer? Then it hit me-the nickname just didn't work for me. I asked Julianna to come up with another, more appropriate nickname for the situation.

Julianna finally came up with one at the end of practice on the last day of fencing camp-"the energizer". This comes from the energizer bunny since I always seem to be on the go, up and running, but I also shut off when I am tired. I have three modes-"go", "go faster", and "full stop".

I am both these nicknames. I believe that I am someone that will work hard to get to their goals but doesn't believe that the ends justifies the means. I want to earn a place on the team without compromising any of my ideals. I think that in sports, just as in politics, there is always one path that is clearly right (perhaps slower) and one path that is clearly a little muddied.

Maybe I feel this way because I just watched Karate Kid. It was pretty sweet to see Daniel-Sun beat up on the Cobra Kai without stooping to their level. The crane kick is still one of my favorite parts of any movie I've seen.

Anyways, enough of that segue, I am happier with the nickname energizer. It makes me feel less like a soccer mom and more like the competitor that I am.

What a day!

I should have known that this was going to be quite a day when I woke up for the first of few times around 2am. I am currently trying to fight a cold that has been going around Rochester. A barber at the coffee shop today told me that a lot of his customers have been coming in with the same cold/flu like symptoms-I should be fine in three days he said. So much for doctors-his advice was a lot cheaper.

Around 6:30am I just decided to call it quits, get up, and get ready for my workout at the gym at 8am. When I got into my car I realized that I needed fill up the gas tank. Don't worry, the story/blog gets more interesting (just read on.). After I got gas I realized that I didn't have my credit card anymore. I spent twenty minutes at the gas station trying to look for my card. I even had the woman working at the gas station rewind the tape and see whether or not I dropped the card on the ground. By the way, this sort of scared me. How often are you on video tape without realizing it? I think I'm going to start dressing up more often-or maybe not.

After that debacle I headed to the gym. I still didn't have my credit card but I would be late with my appointment with Dave, my trainer, if I didn't leave the gas station. The workout was great. Two of my teammates joined me for the workout and it made things competitive but fun. I do have to say that I won one of the portions of the workout when we were timed-I'm not competitive.

After the gym I headed for morning practice. I did manage to find my card stuck on the side of the driver's side when I got out to head to the fencing club. Lucky me. Things seemed to be looking up-fencing practice was fun and productive-I thought that my day was starting to turn around.

But then......cue the music (dun dun dun). Someone broke into my car through the driver's side window. All I could think was how lucky I was to have found my credit card beforehand. Whew! There was glass everwhere but nothing was really stolen. Well, nothing of non sentimental value I guess. They could have taken my yoga mat or my blanket from the Sydney Olympics, but they didn't take that. I guess they didn't want my Amy Winehouse cd either-too bad for them.

My suspicion is that it was some high school kid from across the street that was attending a football game. I feel like someone older would try to take the radio or something else. Who knows? I'm just glad they didn't take my yoga mat-which is rather expensive, may I add. Who knew that centering oneself creates a need for an expensive styrophome mat? Oh yeah, I am also glad that it was a nice sunny day so I wasn't getting rained on when I drove home.

My insurance sent me to "Jimmy the Greek" to get my car window repaired. Well, technically the name is "Rochester Auto Glass" or whatever but everyone working there was greek. It turns out they had a window for my Jetta, but it wasn't the right window so I have to wait until Monday to get it replaced. Meanwhile, I have an ill fitting window on the driver's side. Oh well.

It's interesting to me-I have been going to that same fencing club for eighteen years and nothing has happened to my car or my parents' car, or any other car for that matter, in all that time. I am hoping this is just a fluke accident.

The other thing I observed about this situation was my instinctual reaction to start to protect myself. For example, I am not usually so cautious about leaving things in my car when I go into a store or sometimes I don't even lock my car when I am at home, but those little things began to look different to me. It just takes one time or one little incident to change your patterns. However, I refuse to think ill of the area because I spend so much time there but I can tell that my instincts about safety will change after this incident.

So-this blog wasn't so much about fencing but not everything is about fencing all the time. I definitely have more posts to come-I think I'm too much of a perfectionist sometimes to post some of the drafts. Maybe I should work on that when I use my expensive yoga mat at yoga class.

Weekend fun

It's a good thing that the weather is going to be cold in Rochester this weekend. The women's foil team is having a three day national camp at the Rochester Fencing Club-Saturday through Monday. Putting on all the fencing equipment (equivalent to a heavy blanket) isn't as tough when it's not as hot outside. I know, complain, complain.

This was my subtle way of saying that this is going to be a long weekend of fencing fun. The women's foil team is all here-or at least their plane just landed a few minutes ago. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again and getting ready as a team for the World Championships that is coming up in a few weeks.

Hopefully I will remember my camera this time so I can take some fun photos of the team for my blog. I know I always say it but it doesn't always seem to happen. I guess my excuse is that I am so focused on fencing that I can't be bothered with taking photos. It's not really the truth because the real truth is that I have a tough time remembering where I put the camera in the first place.

I want to leave you with an unrelated note. My parents are spending this evening at the October Fest. Not only that, my Mom brought her two Chinese friends with her. It sort of brings a smile to my face to think that my mom, two other Chinese people, and my German father are drinking beer, eating wursts, and listening to German music. Welcome to the Zimmermann family.

Relax?

A raise of hands of all Americans reading this blog. How many of you know what the word relax really means? Do you even know what relaxation even entails?

This may seem counterintuitive to all of you but I have been spending most of my energies on trying to relax. Yes, I am currently getting ready for World Championships (coming up at the end of September/beginning of October) but my path to getting there has never been so interesting.

I'm a type A personality all the way. If there is a way to over achieve at something, I definitely know how to do it. I will always go above and beyond what I'm asked to do or what I think I'm expected to do. What can I say? I have German and Chinese parents. If that isn't organized, strict, and driven, I don't know what mix of cultures would be?

I had a serious talk with my coach over the summer about some things that I can do to improve my fencing for the next year. Her biggest concern? My ability to let go and relax. She asked me what I did for fun? I said, blog about my experiences and read informational books that will help me further my fencing. She said, no really, what do you do for fun? FUN? Relaxation? This was a crucial problem.

This conversation led me to take drastic measures (I'm an overachiever-there are no measures that aren't drastic). Over the summer I blogged about how I took the month of July off and did some other activities that didn't involve fencing. I think some of you commented that it seemed a little strange for someone training for the Olympic Games. Well, it would be strange if you didn't know me.

I would have to admit that I never really took a vacation or really relaxed in my life. I don't even know how to do it. I've been striving towards big goals my whole life-the Olympics, world championships, Stanford, overseas studies in Russia, working on a political campaign, etc. I don't know how to do things if they aren't done on a large scale.

So, here in lies the lesson and the title of this post. Now I am spending a lot of my energy on learning how to relax. Don't laugh. I'm serious. I've gotten into doing more yoga, stretching, and taking it easy on my body. This isn't to say that I am not intense on the strip when I fence, but I am learning about how to relax and be in the moment.

Yoga has actually been a great practice for that. When you are in a yoga pose you have to relax into the pose rather than work to push the pose if you want to get a benefit out of it. Yoga is my antithesis and practicing it has been an eye opening experience.

Of course I can't completely change myself. I went out and bought two yoga books, a yoga mat, cool yoga pants, and a pass to a yoga studio in town. I have come to love my antithesis because each class has become a time where I learn to unwind, slow down, breathe, and rediscover myself. For someone who is always about pushing, it has taken me a couple months just to breathe and let go. Letting go is my new "new agey" mantra. Let go, Iris. Let go.

Believe it or not I am starting to see some big results on the fencing strip. Not only am I more present and focused but I am actually relaxed enough to enjoy myself. I'm definitely grateful for these tools since I'm always a nervous wreck before big fencing tournaments. As a self-prescribed type-A personality I like to get really nice and anxious about three weeks before any big competition. Apparently I think that it's important to stress yourself out before you really stress yourself out. Good thing I found yoga to help me breathe.

So, through yoga I am learning how to relax and it has manifested itself into some major benefits on the fencing strip. Now, if only I could get my leg behind my head and then I could really do some damage on the strip.

The pursuit of happiness

Just that phrase alone, "the pursuit of happiness", brings up 17,122 titles when entered into amazon.com's search engine. It's pretty amazing. There must be a lot of people out there trying to find happiness. (Insert "duhhh" here.)

Even the Dalai Lama wrote a book with that title, but from what my mom says, it's basically all the same mumbo jumbo-"in order to find happiness you must not look for it". Whatever that means. (Not that I have read the book but I am sure the Dalai Lama has a great formula for happiness.)

If I could give anything to the world it would be this joy I feel while trying to pursue my goal of making the Olympic team in a sport that I love. There are so many times that I want to give up. There are so many hills to climb. There is a lot of fund raising to be done, but at the end of the day, I'm here because I love to be here in this moment.

This past year after a frustrating loss, I asked my coach what was the point of doing all this competition and all this work if I am not winning? Nat looked at me with a bit of shock and began to tell me, very slowly, all the reasons why she put so much of her time and energy into fencing. She said, "I love the way the foil feels in my hand. I love the look on my students' faces when they finally get an action. I love the people in the sport-even though a lot of them are nutty. I love the way the floor of this fencing gym feels underneath my feet. I love going to competitions and trying my best even if there is a chance that I may lose, at least I gave it everything I had."

When she said all this my first reaction is that this woman must be crazy. She has to be weak. Why do anything at all if you can't win? I love fencing because I win a lot-or at least I used to.

Let me break from that conversation to side track to one I had last week with the very esteemed fencer and one of my good friends, Keeth Smart. Keeth reads my blog, which is an honor since this guy is not only a wonderful fencer but a wonderful human being.

Anyways, last week Keeth and I were talking about fencing, more specifically about my fencing. He said that he always admired my fencing and the way I used to laugh, joke, and seem to have so much fun while I was competing. We both agreed that it had been a long time since I was really like that until now.

This past week in Mont Tremblant at the Pan-American zonal championships I finally felt like myself. I feel like I have personally been on hiatus for a while but I am finally back-enjoying the sport.

I would like to think that this new found joy has come through understanding the value of the process and more importantly understanding what Nat was trying to tell me. What does it feel like to me to put that foil in my hand, bend my knees to get in en garde, and face my opponent? What does it feel like when I am bending my blade, taking my time, and trying to think of my next move? The feeling is indescribable and for this blog's sake I am going to call that feeling, happiness. Joy in the moment.

I've done a lot of work over this summer to get to the place I am now and I can honestly say that I feel lucky to have the opportunity to pursue my sport. Not just to make an Olympic team (although that is the goal) but to have an opportunity to do something for myself. Sounds kind of selfish but I believe that in trying to make myself into a better fencer, I am able to make myself into a better person, therefore being able to give back. Now hear me out. I hope that I can set an example and help some of the other kids coming up through the ranks. Also, I am very flattered to get an email once in a while from a close friend that says they gain inspiration and strength from my risks in order to go after their own personal goals. That to me is the highest form of flattery.

There are a lot more times than I would like to admit, that I find this journey too hard. Sometimes I decide that this is it and I can't possibly go on. But the best part is when I somehow find the strength to pick myself back up again in time to find out that I am stronger and can endure more than I think. And I am most thankful for this portion of the journey. Inner strength is nothing that can be bought or just found-you have to work to (as my friend "Master Chi" would say)-make that flame that already exists inside you grow and burn brighter.

Enough of this new agey business. My hope is that everyone finds something fulfilling to pursue that makes them question themselves, challenge themselves, and ultimately find them more whole and stronger than they could have ever imagined. I feel very lucky for this opportunity.

Cultural sensitivity

As if I didn't already have enough to do. This weekend the USOC is flying prospective Olympians to a small conference for two days in D.C. The Olympic Committee is actually holding this same conference in California and Colorado Springs for the athletes out on the west coast.

I haven't received a lot of information about why this is manditory but from what I heard from some poeple I gathered the following. The USOC is worried about the image of American athletes so we are going through media training (been there and done that) and some "cultural sensitivity training". Seriously? I could teach the Chinese culture class. What is really going on?

I'm intrigued as to why we have to go through this. My only guess is that there are a lot of other athletes in other sports that are causing problems because if a fencer at this level doesn't understand how to interact with other cultures, you must not be a good fencer. We travel so much that we should be able to deal with these situations and the lot of us have been through this before.

I wonder if there could be an exemption. The upside to this is that I get to reunite with some of my friends from the Beijing Press Tour and perhaps see some of my other athlete friends this weekend.

I'll let you know how it goes. Oh yeah, my mother said I am probably not Chinese enough and have to go through the training. My father thinks I'm too German, that's why I am told to go to D.C. this weekend to partake in the conference. Either way-I'm headed to D.C. on Friday.

Pan American Zonal Champions

A photo of the 2007 Pan American Zonal Champions.

Community

I just wanted to take a moment to comment about the Rochester community. There are a number of reasons why I felt that training in Rochester would be better than my experience with NYC in 2004. First, it's where I grew up and my family lives here but more importantly it is the sense of community I feel here that has really brought me back here to train for the 2008 Games.

There may not be as much money circulating in Rochester but everyone is willing to contribute something once they find out that I am training for the Olympics. For example, the woman that I does my eyebrows (every Olympian needs a good eyebrow waxer!)-she put a picture of me up in her salon and always undercharges me for her services. Not to mention all the much needed advice she gives me when I'm in her chair.

Another example-the man who gives me massages spends at least a half an hour (last time an hour!) with me before the massage to catch up and make sure he understands everything that is going on. Then, he doesn't charge me for the two hours we have spent together. He's just interested in being a part of the journey. Another example-my chiropractor decided not to charge me for visits. He just wants to help me out and he is also interested in being part of my journey.

Oh yeah one more-the other day I went to Foot Performance in order to get new orthodics for my fencing shoes and Chris, one of the podiatrists there, spent a lot of time with me in order to get things right. He also knew my mother-talk about a small town. You can't get inserts for your shoes without running into someone that knows someone in your family or social network.

The same is true for the people at my fencing club here in Rochester. I attended an end of summer party with some of the Rochester Fencing Club group and most of the parents stopped to ask me how I was and offer any help that I may need along the way. They are appreciative that I'm around at the club to help coach their children but I assure them that it's always a joy to teach kids about fencing. I definitely feel like the club is an extension of my family.

The list goes on. Even when I'm in casual conversation in Rochester in some small cafe or bookstore, someone is interested in what I am doing and willing to help me in their own way. I can't believe the amount of generosity in this community. I am not sure this is what Hillary meant when she said it but, "it takes a village" to support an athlete going for their ultimate dream.

It's hard to compare NYC with Rochester in regards to training for the Games because I understand the very nature of a big city-you have to make money to survive. Also, if I can't offer you something in return then it's hard to help a person out. Olympians are also a dime a dozen there, not to mention not as important as all the celebrities and other VIPs that live in NYC. Who am I?

But in Rochester I'm some sort of hometown hero. It's very flattering and in some ways very funny. I am very grateful to this community for coming together and helping me out. I'm very lucky to live in a city that's big enough to have more than one Wal-Mart but small enough that people know my name when I get my eyebrows waxed. :)

I am off to Montreal tomorrow. I will have updates when I get back next weekend. Have a great week!

Thanks to all my friends and family in Rochester! :) I will be thinking of you.

beijing photos

Many of you aren't on facebook where I have logged most of my photos from Beijing. If you want to check them out you can go to the following link:

http://stanford.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2084973&l=7b354&id=209614

week by week

This past week was certainly a long one in terms of training. There is nothing like throwing yourself back into the swing of things. Well-it's a little more planned out than that but it definitely feels like my break during July is a distant memory.

Over the weekend the women's foil team got together with some other fencers for a training camp. It was a great three days and I think we accomplished a lot in getting ready for the Zonal Championships that are coming up. We are leaving for Mont-Tremblanc a week from tomorrow. For those of you that have never heard of Mont-Tremblanc, I believe it's a mountain resort town about two hours from Montreal.

My parents and I have been discussing having them come to the tournament to watch since it's only about seven hours away from Rochester. This is definitely a development especially because my parents never really come to fencing tournaments. I think the last time they saw me fence was in Sydney seven years ago. My how the time goes. It's not that my parents aren't supportive but but they think this is more my thing and they don't really know much about fencing anyways.

I'm still thinking about them going. I don't think it will really affect me mentally but it would be nice to have them around for support. It's always nice to turn around and see your parents standing behind you and cheering.

As for this week we still have lots of practices to go before we leave for Canada. My two US teammates Hanna and Doris are here for the week (Hanna actually came back to Rochester to train) and we should have some good practices.

Viva la vida fencing.

Iris online

Here are some links to articles/pictures of the Goodwill Tour.

This is an excerpt of a blog we did for nbc sports online.

http://universalsports.nbcsports.com/blogs/post/8


Below are links to the Chinese online articles about the tour. Most of you probably can't read Chinese but there are some good photos on some of them.


http://www.beijing2008.cn/news/official/ioc/n214118913.shtml



http://www.aoyunchina.com/html/aytp/094223193.shtml



http://2008.sohu.com/20070803/n251406819.shtml



http://www.thefirst.cn/90/2007-08-03/110545.htm



http://news.vnet.cn/2007news/20070803/217798.html



http://pic.people.com.cn/GB/1100/6070552.html



http://www.chinanews.com.cn/tp/tyxw/news/2007/08-03/994591.shtml



http://sports.sina.com.cn/o/p/2007-08-03/16053079879.shtml



http://cn.sports.yahoo.com/07-08-/367/29po6.html



http://sports.sohu.com/20070802/n251387681.shtml



http://2008.sohu.com/20070803/n251406815.shtml

The countdown

So, where were you and what were you doing a year out from the Beijing Olympic Opening Ceremonies?

As most athletes and coaches training for the games know, today was the year mark. There were festivities in Beijing's Tiananmen Square. I am sure the celebration in China was fabulous even though all was quiet here in the states.

Are we all getting excited for the Games? I suggest booking your tickets/hotels/event tickets sooner than later. This is the time that things start to sell out. I believe a lot of the larger hotels in Beijing's center are selling out quickly.

In honor of today I spent the entire morning and afternoon/evening training, sweating, and thinking of Beijing.

A big toast to Beijing! :) I hope we are all there together a year from now.

Jet lag

It's 1am and I should really be getting some sleep. Unfortunately I am WIDE AWAKE. Oy! My Mom says meditation. My father says warm milk. My sister says tylenol PM. I think I'll try to tire myself by writing on my blog.

I have a short story about today. This morning I woke up at 5am to say good-bye to Felicia who flew back to her job in Dallas. I went back to sleep and woke up again around 9am (9pm China time). I thought that eating breakfast would wake me up but I almost fell asleep in my orange juice..and that's not easy since it's a small glass. My father came down to talk to me during breakfast but he couldn't understand me-my father with the super thick German accent couldn't understand me. Time to go back to bed.

So, I went to bed around 9am only to be woken up by a door bell around 1pm (oopss for sleeping that long). It was another representative for USADA wanting to take a sample. Yet again I had to drink four cups of water, one mug of coffee, and it took an hour for me to produce another sample. Ugh! At least I know the routine now and I wasn't trying to make a flight to Beijing.

I worked out and went to the fencing club to meet with my coach. We are starting up again with our training tomorrow.

Alright, I can't avoid bed anymore. Time to take my jet lagged self to bed.

The art of being Chinese

A reporter from USA Today asked me whether or not I suffered from some sort of schizophrenia because I'm American with a Chinese/German background. I told him in a very diplomatic way that I felt American first and foremost and have a lot of pride in both of my heritages. However, my mother's push for me to understand the Chinese culture probably caused me to feel more Chinese than German growing up. Not to mention the fact that when most Americans look at me they see someone who is of an asian persuasion.

I actually thought about this question a lot as I wandered around China. When I am out amongst the Chinese I am most definitley a foreigner-an American. Some of the Chinese people don't think I look at all Chinese but I think that's mostly because I dress and act like an American/westerner. But the truth is I feel more at home here with my look than in the United States.

Growing up in Rochester, NY as a half-asian half-German mixed kid was not easy. At least in SF and NYC people see mixed race kids all the time. In elementary school days the popular thing was to taunt the Asian kid (that was me most of the time) with, "Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these." Pretty clever but still made me upset all the same. I just didn't see how I was any different from the rest of the American kids-at least before they started separating me by race.

High school was a bit different in that I was never around and traveling to multiple international tournaments during the year. I was just known as the "fencer girl" so race wasn't as big an issue as my athletic career.

College was an interesting one. I never felt a bigger pull towards being Asian than I did in college. I think there is a tendency to really try and identify yourself within groups and I was the asian girl in my group of four friends at Stanford. I always seemed to pair up and make friends with minorities at Stanford. You want to stand out someway. I wasn't into the Chinese community because I never really felt like I embraced all of the culture-I was a halfy and they had their own group anyways, the happas.

Coming here to Beijing was another step in my self-identification. I definitely don't feel Chinese since my language skills leaves a lot to be desired but I was chosen to be on the Beijing Goodwill Tour because of my asian looks/background. Also answering questions to the Chinese press I felt a greater sense of pride for my Chinese brothers and sisters-they are in the midst of building the greatest Olympics of my time.

I feel more Chinese now than I ever did. After visiting Beijing I want to go home and ask my Mom to speak Chinese to me on a daily basis. I doubt that I will keep it up but it's worth the thought at least.

The best thing about being Chinese (or even half-Chinese) in China is that I finally feel in some way I fit in, even with my American clothes and loud laughter. Here my eyes and facial features on the billboards, television, and everywhere I go. I'm pretty here and not some sort of "exotic" girl some dude might bring home to Mama. I'm "normal" here and my look is normal here. The U.S. may be a melting pot but the broth, vegetables, meat, and other ingredients don't really mix together.

It's nice to open a magazine and finally feel as though I have a familiar face staring back at me and not somee green eyed blonde haired actress. It's nice to feel pretty and it's nice to feel that I am finally part of a community.

Don't get me wrong though. I love being American. I think about how wonderful our country is all the time (well, a tiny bit less so since the 2000 elections) but I still feel as though the melting pot needs to be stirred up a bit more.

Alright, enough of this blogging. It's time to wave goodbye to the Beijing Hilton, grab my bags, and make my way back to the US of A. See you on the west side!

Beijing Press Tour

(tried to post this last night Beijing time but it didn't go through-this is try number two.)

A few things before I head off to bed. I have been trying to make some posts for the past few days but the computer hasn't logged me on. I don't know what is going on-it's a conspiracy. I finally have the chance tonight so I am going to post some of the articles I have been in-well, besides the chinese articles because I am not sure how to find those on the web.

I have a ton of photos coming to you when I get home-lots of the rest of the group and the Great Wall of China adventure I had today. I also have some thoughts to share but they may have to wait until tomorrow because I AM BEAT! Climbing all those steps were tough and it just keeps going. Did you know that the Great Wall was more than 3,000 miles in length!

Articles and some short articles with photos:


USA Today story

Democrat and Chronicle

AP photo

ESPN photowire

ESPN photowire

ESPN photowire

ESPN photowire

BEIJING

I AM FINALLY IN BEIJING! Woot!

I am currently sitting in the very swanky Beijing Hilton typing away at my blog. I'm so excited to be here especially having met some of the other athletes here with me on the Goodwill Tour. I had a great ride from the airport to the hotel with a fellow Olympian in the sport of badminton. I have lots to tell you about that but first I have to tell you all about my adventure getting to Beijing.

I woke up early Tuesday morning so I could finish my last minute packing and do a few more things on my checklist before I left for the airport. This is one of the rare moments before traveling that I took extra time to get ready and double check my packed bags.

As I was munching on my breakfast around 8am, with an hour left until I had to get to the airport, a woman shows up at my door.

"Hi, I'm here to do out of competition drug testing. Please pee into this cup."

And I'm thinking to myself, you have GOT to be kidding me. I'm glad I left myself more time but I wasn't expecting to give a doping control sample. Unfortunately I had just visited the restroom not ten minutes earlier so I couldn't give her anything right away.

My parents greeted her at the door as if she was an invited guest to the house. They gave her the royal Zimmermann treatment of coffee and breakfast. My Dad even offered her a bag full of vegetables (cucumbers, squash, and some dill for good measure) from our garden. Seriously? I have to pee in a cup for this woman and my parents are treating her like the Queen of England. They are good people-what would they do if the Queen of England actually showed up? Perhaps sell her the house?

Here I was, face to face with this woman who interrupted my preparations for the airport so I could pee into a cup. I finished my egg and started to drink as much as I could and as quickly as I could. The countdown began. At this point I hoped that my biological processes would kick in because I only had t-minus thirty minutes until it was too late to make the flight to Dulles.

I was still drinking and had no desire to visit the restroom at T-minus fifteen minutes. Then, the phone rang and it was for me this time. What is going on? The phone doesn't usually ring early in the morning unless someone calls for my mother and it's usually never for me.

It's the sports writer from the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle newspaper wanting an interview about the Beijing Goodwill Tour. I'm glad that he did call because he's a great writer and recently did a wonderful article on my comeback to fencing. I explained my predicament to him and told him I had a few minutes to conduct the interview until my "sample" was ready. He laughed.

We conducted the interview and it actually took longer than I expected. It's T-minus 5 minutes, I'm in the middle of the interview and I realized that I have to get to the restroom.

I didn't really want to stop him from asking me questions because we were in a "flow" (no pun intended) at this point. The interview was going really well so here was my predicament-the clock was ticking, I didn't want to interrupt him, and I had to pee.

So, I grabbed the cup, the doping control woman followed me upstairs, I pressed the phone between my ear and my shoulder and I filled the cup up to the maximum line. Mind you-I was still on the phone conducting the interview.

The sports writer does actually read this blog every once in a while but I hope he chooses to skip over this blog entry.

T-minus one minute-I had a full cup in my hand and I finished the interview. Oh yes, I make sure to wash my hands-don't worry.

T-minus thirty seconds and I am signing the dotted line for the sample.

Then the door bell rings. Apparently people can detect when you are behind schedule.

My father answers it and it is someone from DHL delivering a package for me. So, it's actually good that I got caught up with the doping control woman because I needed to bring this package with me to Beijing. It's a bunch of fencing pins that I can give out to the media and anyone that we meet during the Beijing Goodwill Tour.

I shoved the pins in my bag, threw my bag in the car, and just made the flight. Everything went well and I even scored four seats in the middle row on the way from Dulles to Beijing. I spent most of the flight sleeping and the thirteen hours seemed to fly by (well, sort of). I did have to fight a couple people and a flight attendant for the four seats but it was definitely worth it. I am hoping for the same sort of luck on the way home on Sunday.

I'm going to get off of this computer and start exploring. I did bring my camera but unfortunately I didn't bring the attachment to plug it into the computer. Nothing is ever perfect or goes to plan I guess. However, I do plan to put some pictures up of my Beijing adventures when I get back stateside.

Have a good Wednesday! :)

A couple things

I came back from visiting my sister and the Olympic Training Center in Colorado just a few days ago. Tomorrow I am off to Rhode Island to run a fencing clinic at the Rhode Island Fencing Academy and Club. The coach was nice enough to invite me to teach a weekend clinic at his club in exchange for raising some money for my fencing season. There are good people out there.

The visit with my sister was great and I got a chance to realize how beautiful the state of Colorado is-or at least the trails I hiked and the lake I ran around in the morning. It's nice to move the workout from the gym to the outdoors-not to mention the benefit that the altitude adds to training.

There were many great things about the trip to Colorado but one of the highlights would have to be visiting the Olympic Training Center. Even though I'm one of the athletes that use the facility, I am still in awe of being in a place that lives and breathes the Olympics every day. Not to mention it's pretty cool to see and meet the other atthletes living there.

In other news. I am looking forward to going to Beijing next week for the "Goodwill Tour". I leave on Tuesday and I have already done one interview for USA Today for the Tour. The article that I was interviewed for comes out next Thursday while we are in Beijing. My Mom also told me that the tour was mentioned in a Chinese newspaper a few days ago. The article mentioned me and three other athletes that have Chinese backgrounds.

A lot of things to look forward to in the next week. My hope is to keep everyone in the loop even if some of the posts are few and far between.

Goodwill

The United States Olympic Committee has asked me and six other athletes to take a trip to Beijing to promote the olympics and good will between the Chinese and Americans. The tour has been aptly named the "Beijing Goodwill Tour".

I am leaving on the 31st of this month for the tour and returning on the 5th of August. The athletes will be doing various press events and might perhaps have the opportunity to meet with the American ambassador. I'm excited to visit the site of the Olympics as I have heard that most of the venues have been built and almost all the preparations have been completed. What I'm really hoping for is the chance to check out the fencing venue-primarly as a boost but also as a tool for visualization.

When I was first asked to do this tour I wasn't thinking much about goodwill but more about a free trip to China. However, after hearing some recent stories from the Pan-American Games in Rio de Janeiro, it has become apparent to me that a Goodwill Tour is necessary.

The Pan-American Games are similar to the Olympics as it is a multi-sport event held every four years, but the Games only include the nations of the Americas. It's a fun event but it doesn't count for points towards qualifying for the Olympic Games-at least for the sport of fencing.

I have been told by some athletes and coaches that the US team wasn't always welcome in Rio. Many spectators would hold anti-American signs up including signs about getting rid of Bush. Although I am not a supporter of Bush, it's one thing for Americans to do it in their own country, but it's another to see foreigners holding up negative signs about your country during a sporting event. The athletes and coaches got along just fine but it was the spectators that made it into a political forum.

In a way I understand why they would use the Pan-American Games in this fashion. Not because this is a large public venue but also because the United States comes in as a tour de force. We are a large unit and the USOC provides a lot for the American athletes-we usually have a lot of details and matters taken care of for us. We often look like the big, rich, insensitive, bully. However, this being said, the Canadians also spend a lot of money to provide their athletes with everything they need in order to perform. So what's the difference? The United States is the most powerful country in the world and our every move is scrutinized-even at the Pan-American Games.

And so, the USOC is taking some initiative with Beijing-starting with the Goodwill Tour. Seven athletes are going to Beijing to represent the United States to show the Chinese (or at least whomever shows up to the press events) that we aren't so bad after all. The situation is a bit different as well-mainly because political policy towards China and political policy towards South America is very different. But all that aside-I think this is a nice gesture by the USOC.

As for this week-I am off to Colorado to visit with Felicia, work with a physical therapist out there, and meet with my sports psychologist at the US Olympic Training Center.

Until next time...

Howdy stranger

So, it's been a while since I last posted and I only hope I didn't lose everybody that has been following the blog.

The truth is I have been having a great few weeks since Nationals. I took second at National Championships. I wonder if it had something to do with my new found relationship with my Dad? It's always nice to know that you have your family in your corner-so it definitely did help in some way.

After National Championships was over I took the opportunity to take a break. I spent a few days in Miami with some fencing friends of mine-we spent a wonderful fourth of July there. I didn't realize that fireworks were legal in Maimi, but a lot of people were setting them off on the beach. I am still not entirely sure it was so safe but it was interesting at the very least.

Where have I been after that? Well, I finally came home and had some time with my parents and with my sister. She came in on Friday this week to spend a few days and for our induction to the Walk of Fame at Frontier Field in Rochester. The Monroe County Sports Commission and committee of VIPs in Rochester decided that Felicia and I deserved to get a 6" by 6" brick with our names on it on the "Walk of Fame" at Rochester's Frontier Field. It was a great day-really sunny out and there were tons of people in attendance to watch us and a group of ten others get inducted. The tons of people were due to Cal Ripken Jr. Jersey day at the baseball game. I didn't realize that Cal Ripken Jr. played on the triple A Red Wings team before he went into the major leagues. As for the Red Wings today, they had their worst EVER game at Frontier Field. Oh well-you can't win everything.

So, it's been an eventful and restful two weeks since I last posted. I'm actually spending the month of July just cross training and resting up for the next big competition at the end of August. I have a lot to work on outside of fencing and I don't plan on picking up a fencing weapon until the beginning of August when I get back from the Beijing Goodwill Tour. (I will talk about going to Beijing in the next blog-I promise I won't take two weeks to post.)

As for the near future-I am going to Denver, CO this week to visit my sister for the weekend. I am looking forward to hiking in the mountains and visiting Colorado Springs where one of the US Olympic Training Centers is located.

I hope all is well with everyone and big apologies for not blogging sooner.

When you least suspect it

The truth is that I don't have much to say about the last world cup or the one before that. Or even the one before that. Let's just say that it's been a tough year all around and before I start getting into a bitter recap of the year, I would like to tell a bit of a story about why today was a wonderful day.

This was the first day I woke up and I felt like I was coming out of a dark fog. Seriously, it felt as though when I woke up, the clouds had parted way for a few moments so I could finally feel a bit of that sunshine. I knew today would in some way be epic-I just knew it.

I went to the gym around 8am, had a good workout, and then headed to get a massage. During my massage, I receive nine missed calls. In an hour and a half I had received nine messages, how is that even possible? I may have a blog but I am just not that popular, people!

So, I checked my messages and called the first person back-my coach, Nat. We talked a bit about National championships coming up on Saturday, about her getting inducted into the Hall of Fame, and then she mentioned something peculiar. Earlier that day she called my house to find me and started a conversation with my father. Actually, the interesting part is that HE started the conversation with her.

Here is where you need a bit of background. My Dad is a tough guy with a soft heart and a quick temper. If you remember, he's the guy that was none to happy about my return to home at the age of 26. Also, it's been my impression that he wasn't always too happy about my sister and my commitment to fencing because I think he felt like we sacrificed too much.

In some ways his behavior is understandable because he's been through a lot in his life-he grew up in what was left of Berlin after WWII, his family struggled, he went out on his own when he was just 17, and eventually moved to a whole new country that was not always too friendly to immigrants, especially an immigrant with a thick German accent and some trouble with English grammar. I do have to say that he has a funny sense of humor. Sometimes, even in the face of my own embarrassment, he manages to strike up conversations with perfect strangers that don't seem to want to be bothered. Most of the time his sense of humor and accent gets through and he gets them to respond-in a good way with a laugh or a smile. He's a good guy but we don't always speak.

My father and I have had days or a week even where we don't even say a word to each other. I come home from practice and he's just doing his thing in the house and sometimes just a simple "hi" crosses between us. That was us, that was our routine. Well, except for the once in a while where we would yell at each other-mostly about money and how I am going to have to pay him back for something, etc.

Anyways, so my father-the thick accented, funny, sometimes crazy, father-struck up a conversation with coach Nat. He was concerned because after this tournament in Vegas I came home with what seemed like an irreversible frown and dark demeanor. After a bit of questioning, my coach came out with it, "I think Iris is a bit sad and some things are happening in her mind that she's having trouble with. This year has been hard on her and we are both looking forward to the summer to rest up and get ready for next year." These words, "I think Iris is sad" hit my father the hardest. "What should I do?", he said to Nat. "Take her out to lunch, talk to her", she said. "I want to help her but I'm not much of a talker. In fact, she and I don't talk, we only yell at each other. But, I will try.", said Dad.

The other eight calls on my phone? Well, besides the one from my mother? All from my Dad's cell phone. I called him back and we set a time for dinner with Mom-Outback Steakhouse-where everyone has a family get together.

My Mom had to work after dinner so my father and I drove in a separate car. This, my friends, was beyond awkward. My father had this big smile on his face which looked a bit forced and strange. He looked awkward, I felt awkward, and there it went. We talked a little about getting my car registered in the state of New York, and then came the SO.

"So, I hear from Nat that you are having trouble. You shouldn't worry, we are proud of you, no matter how you do."

At this point I was glad I was wearing big black sunglasses so he couldn't see my eyes tearing up.

He went on, "You have always been a great girl. You have always done the right thing. Between your coach and your mother you haven't even had time to breathe, let alone do all the things you want to do."

There was some back and forth and I had to stress to him that I felt badly and I am not sure where it was coming from-my mother, the way I was raised, my coach, genetics, who knew. The bottom line was that I needed to see someone about this problem. "I feel like a failure. I feel like I have dissapointed everyone.", I told him, and this was hard for him to hear.

"But we are so proud of you. And you shouldn't listen to anyone's opinion."

"Thanks, Dad."

"Well, it's true. I always say (and yes, he is famous for this) 'if they don't pay your bills, then they have nothing to say'."

I didn't really want to be the one to remind him that he doesn't really pay my bills, but this wasn't the time for that.

But the best part of the conversation, was when he said this. "I am sorry that I haven't been there for you. Your mother is behind this Olympic stuff one hundred percent and I haven't been there. From now on, I will be there for you, no matter what. We will support you. We will be there. I know I've been hard on you and I've been a jerk, but I will be there for you. I support you."

Even typing those words out-even though I can't remember everything verbatim, I can't stop myself from crying. All the negative thoughts and feelings I have had in the past few months about my fencing seemed to vanish with his words. Was I waiting for his approval this whole time? Maybe, maybe not. But I think that his words made me feel so much stronger in one fell swoop. In one moment I went from feeling like I had the world on my shoulders to feeling that no matter what, I had him, my Mom, my sister, and Nat standing there, waiting to catch me if I fall. This means a lot to a person who feels like she's been falling this entire year.

Sometimes the relationship between a parent and a child can seem lost but we are just waiting for the other to speak up. To say something, to be the parent and to be the child, to fullfill those roles in your own way and not some Brady Bunch manner. I'm so grateful that my father stepped out of his comfort zone to remind me that he was still my father-the same one in the photos where he's got me in a bear hug as a toddler or holding me as a newborn. It's hard to remember those times as you get older but it's nice to be reminded that that bond is still there. I am so lucky and so grateful for today-I knew it was going to be amazing.

I think that this gives you an idea of how I want to sum up the year and how it went but it's not all bad. Just like this story it will all have a happy ending and will be full of adventures and memories that will shape the next steps in my life and be part of the bigger story of my life that I will tell my own children.