When you least suspect it

The truth is that I don't have much to say about the last world cup or the one before that. Or even the one before that. Let's just say that it's been a tough year all around and before I start getting into a bitter recap of the year, I would like to tell a bit of a story about why today was a wonderful day.

This was the first day I woke up and I felt like I was coming out of a dark fog. Seriously, it felt as though when I woke up, the clouds had parted way for a few moments so I could finally feel a bit of that sunshine. I knew today would in some way be epic-I just knew it.

I went to the gym around 8am, had a good workout, and then headed to get a massage. During my massage, I receive nine missed calls. In an hour and a half I had received nine messages, how is that even possible? I may have a blog but I am just not that popular, people!

So, I checked my messages and called the first person back-my coach, Nat. We talked a bit about National championships coming up on Saturday, about her getting inducted into the Hall of Fame, and then she mentioned something peculiar. Earlier that day she called my house to find me and started a conversation with my father. Actually, the interesting part is that HE started the conversation with her.

Here is where you need a bit of background. My Dad is a tough guy with a soft heart and a quick temper. If you remember, he's the guy that was none to happy about my return to home at the age of 26. Also, it's been my impression that he wasn't always too happy about my sister and my commitment to fencing because I think he felt like we sacrificed too much.

In some ways his behavior is understandable because he's been through a lot in his life-he grew up in what was left of Berlin after WWII, his family struggled, he went out on his own when he was just 17, and eventually moved to a whole new country that was not always too friendly to immigrants, especially an immigrant with a thick German accent and some trouble with English grammar. I do have to say that he has a funny sense of humor. Sometimes, even in the face of my own embarrassment, he manages to strike up conversations with perfect strangers that don't seem to want to be bothered. Most of the time his sense of humor and accent gets through and he gets them to respond-in a good way with a laugh or a smile. He's a good guy but we don't always speak.

My father and I have had days or a week even where we don't even say a word to each other. I come home from practice and he's just doing his thing in the house and sometimes just a simple "hi" crosses between us. That was us, that was our routine. Well, except for the once in a while where we would yell at each other-mostly about money and how I am going to have to pay him back for something, etc.

Anyways, so my father-the thick accented, funny, sometimes crazy, father-struck up a conversation with coach Nat. He was concerned because after this tournament in Vegas I came home with what seemed like an irreversible frown and dark demeanor. After a bit of questioning, my coach came out with it, "I think Iris is a bit sad and some things are happening in her mind that she's having trouble with. This year has been hard on her and we are both looking forward to the summer to rest up and get ready for next year." These words, "I think Iris is sad" hit my father the hardest. "What should I do?", he said to Nat. "Take her out to lunch, talk to her", she said. "I want to help her but I'm not much of a talker. In fact, she and I don't talk, we only yell at each other. But, I will try.", said Dad.

The other eight calls on my phone? Well, besides the one from my mother? All from my Dad's cell phone. I called him back and we set a time for dinner with Mom-Outback Steakhouse-where everyone has a family get together.

My Mom had to work after dinner so my father and I drove in a separate car. This, my friends, was beyond awkward. My father had this big smile on his face which looked a bit forced and strange. He looked awkward, I felt awkward, and there it went. We talked a little about getting my car registered in the state of New York, and then came the SO.

"So, I hear from Nat that you are having trouble. You shouldn't worry, we are proud of you, no matter how you do."

At this point I was glad I was wearing big black sunglasses so he couldn't see my eyes tearing up.

He went on, "You have always been a great girl. You have always done the right thing. Between your coach and your mother you haven't even had time to breathe, let alone do all the things you want to do."

There was some back and forth and I had to stress to him that I felt badly and I am not sure where it was coming from-my mother, the way I was raised, my coach, genetics, who knew. The bottom line was that I needed to see someone about this problem. "I feel like a failure. I feel like I have dissapointed everyone.", I told him, and this was hard for him to hear.

"But we are so proud of you. And you shouldn't listen to anyone's opinion."

"Thanks, Dad."

"Well, it's true. I always say (and yes, he is famous for this) 'if they don't pay your bills, then they have nothing to say'."

I didn't really want to be the one to remind him that he doesn't really pay my bills, but this wasn't the time for that.

But the best part of the conversation, was when he said this. "I am sorry that I haven't been there for you. Your mother is behind this Olympic stuff one hundred percent and I haven't been there. From now on, I will be there for you, no matter what. We will support you. We will be there. I know I've been hard on you and I've been a jerk, but I will be there for you. I support you."

Even typing those words out-even though I can't remember everything verbatim, I can't stop myself from crying. All the negative thoughts and feelings I have had in the past few months about my fencing seemed to vanish with his words. Was I waiting for his approval this whole time? Maybe, maybe not. But I think that his words made me feel so much stronger in one fell swoop. In one moment I went from feeling like I had the world on my shoulders to feeling that no matter what, I had him, my Mom, my sister, and Nat standing there, waiting to catch me if I fall. This means a lot to a person who feels like she's been falling this entire year.

Sometimes the relationship between a parent and a child can seem lost but we are just waiting for the other to speak up. To say something, to be the parent and to be the child, to fullfill those roles in your own way and not some Brady Bunch manner. I'm so grateful that my father stepped out of his comfort zone to remind me that he was still my father-the same one in the photos where he's got me in a bear hug as a toddler or holding me as a newborn. It's hard to remember those times as you get older but it's nice to be reminded that that bond is still there. I am so lucky and so grateful for today-I knew it was going to be amazing.

I think that this gives you an idea of how I want to sum up the year and how it went but it's not all bad. Just like this story it will all have a happy ending and will be full of adventures and memories that will shape the next steps in my life and be part of the bigger story of my life that I will tell my own children.