Dance to the beat of my own drum

Or paino that is....

So I've decided to go back to my roots and start playing the piano again. I played piano all throughout my youth and in my high school years as well. For the most part I can read music and I like to play music, but with all that I'm still not the best piano player in town. My concentration was always on fencing and not piano playing so I never developed into the next Chopin (I am playing one of his pieces).

During the lay over in Dulles airport last night, I called up my high school piano teacher. He and I have been in touch since I graduated. He was kind enough to agree to help me and chose some pieces for me that included a fair amount of tempo changes in both the left and right hands. You can ask this piano teacher for any piano piece and he will find it for you for sure. I'm grateful that he was so helpful.

So why piano? Good question. Haven't you ever heard of football players taking up ballet to become more agile? Well, I thought that playing again would be a good way to teach myself about tempo changes and separating tempos. In fencing I have trouble changing the tempos in my feet and separating the tempos between my arm and legs. Sometimes your arm has to go at a different speed than your feet, which is sometimes a difficult task for me. I thought that perhaps by playing piano I can teach myself to think in different timing.

The other reason to start playing piano is that the act of playing an instrument can calm the mind and keep one mentally sharp. I think that the season is going to be a long grueling marathon and piano playing can be a true escape when I'm at home.

Tomorrow evening I am going to start playing and we will see how it goes. The piano at my house is a little out of tune but it will do. I wonder if I can still read the notes?

As Weird Al Yankovic once said, "Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't".

I can't really say that this tournament in Leipzig went well. Actually, the honest truth is that I fenced rather badly. It's not that I didn't try or that I don't have the skill, but for this once I am going to blame it on not feeling one hundred percent.

After this competition Nat and I decided to retool my fencing schedule so I am spending more time at home in my routine rather than training in Europe. Although fencing in Tauber was useful, I was still too exhausted to perform at my best here in Leipzig. I never felt comfortable and I didn't rest enough before the start of this weekend.

The good news is that I have several more world cups to attend this year. The bad news is that I didn't get any points at this particular competition. However, I will revert back to my initial mission statement for this journey.

"This goal and period of my life isn't about counting points or even about making the Olympic team. The value of this endeavor lies in the process of self-discovery, and I plan to enjoy each moment of this process-the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will learn from each situation and above all else I will have fun with the process of making the team. There is no reason for this adventure to be in any way tedious and if it is, then I know it's time to stop."

There is more to the mission statement in my head but that's all I have for this particular situation.

I think it will be hard for me to place a value on these last two tournaments other than I learned a lot and there is still a lot of work to be done.

First step, get on the plane tomorrow morning to go home.

Leipzig, Germany

My hotel is in the picture above. The Westin is the taller square building to the right of the photo.


Part two of the European adventure includes a world cup in Leipzig, Germany. The Germans drove Hanna, Emily, and me to the Westin (pronounced Vestin) Leipzig before heading off to their hotel down the street.

It was a short ride into East Germany and to a bigger and more active city. My teammate Emily, who is also half-asian, commented how much more comfortable she felt here because the community was more diverse. The only asians in Tauber were the two that ran the one Chinese restaurant. The more interesting part is you don't know you are uncomfortable until you are surrounded by a more diverse crowd.

Nat has joined this leg of the trip, which is awesome! :) It's nice to have your coach there to watch and help out. Any extra advantage goes a long way. I am so glad she is here.

The competition is on Saturday and Sunday. The journey continues with world cup number two.

Soccer may be in the water but fencing brings me joy

I have a lot of thoughts to blog about today since I have had a lot of time to think.

Let's start at the beginning.

8am breakfast of rolls, jam, ham, cheese, eggs, and coffee.

9am soccer with the Germans

I think that it would be a lie to say that Em and I were able to keep up with them. But they were extremely gracious and made the space smaller and made sure to pass the ball to us. The problem was my teammates kept screaming, "Come on Iris, kick it!" and that would sort of scare me and I would kick at the air. Although, I did have one or two assists when I did manage to get my foot near the ball. And for the record, my team scored more goals, despite me being a member of the team.

Honestly, I think that Europeans just have soccer in the blood. I saw a three year old kid today at the gym, kicking around a soccer ball with his father. That's the difference between life in Germany and life in the U.S.

10-12pm Em and I fenced with a few girls on the team. It was fun to just play around and try some new actions.

12pm Lunch with a Carnivale theme.

Carnivale is a holiday here in Germany where the younger generations dress up like we do for Halloween in the states, and go on a drinking binge for two days. For others, it's just a celebration where you eat herring and eggs. So for lunch there was fish, potato salad, and cake. My father would be in Heaven (for people who don't know, my Dad is from Berlin).

1-4pm we had a small break where I took a restless nap. Mostly because I'm just sore.

5-7:30pm practice with the Germans.

Oh man. I have a lot to say about that. First of all, I was tired. I am not usually tired but I also haven't fenced with such intensity since I broke my finger a few weeks back.

But the biggest comment I have about all this was that I seemed to be the only one out there enjoying myself. For the Germans, fencing is truly a job and this place is a factory.

I had a chance to speak with one of the German fencers after the practice, she is a good friend of mine actually. And she wanted to know about how things were in the states. The Germans can't understand our process and how we don't train full time and how we don't have anything paid for. They wanted to know how it would be possible for us to concentrate on training? My answer, we do what we can because we love the sport.

And that's just it. We love the sport and that's the only way we could ever get along with this whole task of making the Olympic team.

The flipside for us is that we may not go as far because the Europeans always have the upper hand with training and traveling. They are the cream of the crop, they have the traditions, they know how to fence the game, the know how to prepare, while the Americans are doing everything for the first time. Everything for us is trial and error.

On their flipside, this is a job. Each result means a lot more than it does to us. There are a lot of girls gunning for the team and they are being watched at each tournament and each practice. Not to say that we aren't watched but there isn't the same depth of talent. The Americans have more of a luxury that way.

The question is-what is better? To have everything provided, with a ton of expectations, and eventually losing the taste for the sport? Wouldn't you get tired of the monotony? Or would you rather struggle through the process, try and put things together yourself (like practices at Penn State), and find the joy in the sport? You may be a bit behind the eight ball sometimes but everything you get is earned through and through.

The truth is that I have to think the way I think. I have to feel like I am getting a lot of personal joy from this because it is frustrating to think I don't have everything I need at my disposal. It's just harder for us-the travel alone puts us behind the rest of the Europeans.

The bottomline is that I always have faith. I have faith in my process and I have faith that I can surpass the barriers anyways because I am stronger than that.

I am glad that I am the only one at the practice gym in Tauber that is laughing and having a good time. I think my joking around and enjoying myself sort of threw off some of the other fencers. Acknowledging nicely made touches was also something of a foreign concept for them but nevertheless that is who I am.

Ultimately though, I think that everything needs to be kept in perspective, even if this is your job. I am just glad that not every little thing rests on every touch and every match. I am thankful that when I fence, I laugh, I play, and compete with all of my heart.

Tauberbischofsheim

Try saying that three times fast.

Tauber is like the mecca of German fencing. This place is a true Olympic training center. You couldn't ask for anything more-there is a lot of space to fence, a school here, a place for visitors to stay (we are staying in the training center), a cafeteria, an internet plug, physical therapy, and anything you could ask for. Except for a social life and a big city.

This place is truly a small town at it's finest. There is a supermarket, a chinese restaurant (?), post office, and a couple thousand residents. At least they have a T-mobile where I bought an emergency phone I can use during my travels through Europe and Asia. It's nice to feel as though I could text someone in case I wander off into the mountains and get lost.

For the rest of the week, Hanna, Emily, and I are training twice a day with the Germans. Should be fun-the Germans do not mess around. We are starting at 9am with some soccer (breakfast is being served at the training center promptly at 8am!). I think we will fence a couple of hours in the morning and a few hours at night followed by a dinner of bread, cheese, ham, and yogurt. No wonder these Euros are so fit! They don't eat but I guess I could handle losing some weight.

I am actually excited to have this type of training schedule since it reflects a lot of what I think the American team SHOULD be doing. In my opinion it's harder to get the US fencers to commit to a rigorous schedule since we aren't adequately compensated for the work we do. On the flip side, the Germans have a lot more pressure to perform whereas my motivation is much more philosophically driven. It would be nice to have more money to fence but at the same time I don't have constant pressure to make results.

Unfortunately I have a cold and had a slight fever all day today, so I may not be joining in on the soccer and making myself into joke fodder for the German team. I guess they could use a good laugh.

As for updates about Salzburg, I did really well for the first tournament. I took 26th overall and really felt like I was on the right track with my training. I am slowly moving back up the international rankings one step at a time. I truly feel a bit like Andre Agassi when he started his comeback.

It's nice to be back online and blogging!

The hills are alive with the sound of music....

YODELAYHEEHOOOOOOOOO!!! High on the hills was a lonely goat heard....

Just kidding!

Finally! I am in Salzburg, Austria. Whew! That was one long trip from Rochester, NY. After all that I still didn't get my fencing bag, but I have one more day before the tournament to get it.

I had a lot of time on the plane ride (and in the waiting areas) over here to think and read my Oprah Magazine. I am not sure if any of you have ever read this magazine but I love the articles because they are much more positive than the fashion magazines (which just end up making me feel fat and feeling like I should call a plastic surgeon pronto).

On the way over I read an article written by Mira Nair and about her journey to find herself. Before Mira was the director of the hit Bollywood film, Monsoon Wedding, she was just another woman trying to find her niche. She struggled to know what direction she should take in her life and the only thing she knew was that she wanted to create art that would influence the world.

Mira ended up making a good film about the groups of people in India who get together to laugh. All they do is stand around and laugh as an exercise for their health. Needless to say, that film wasn't a smash hit but it did lead her to make Monsoon Wedding. Monsoon wedding is an interesting look into the elaborate ceremonies of a traditional Indian wedding. It's kind of like My Big Fat Greek Wedding-the Bollywood version. By doing her documentary she came up with the ideas for the film-basically instead of getting discouraged, she let one thing lead to another.

She ended the article with a powerful thought that I wanted to share.

"Only at it's fullest will an endeavor reveal where it may lead you, and if you're always thinking, I have to do this because I want to use it to do that, you simply won't be right for the plucking."

To me this means that you must learn what you can from each moment. In order to get to where you want to go you have to commit to the process because it is the struggle of the process that makes the end goal possible.

To read more about Mira Nair click here.

Before the battery runs out

I made it to Frankfurt and I am waiting the few hours before my flight to Salzburg.

T-mobile wireless internet is the best! :)

Snow glorious snow

Forecast in Rochester for the day:

Snow, heavy at times reducing visibilities to near zero in squalls. Snow will continue into the afternoon, with the heaviest of the storm snowfall totals east and southeast of Rochester. Grand totals will range between 15 and 25 inches.

I am at the airport in Rochester right now trying to will the snow to stop just enough so my plane to Dulles can take off in about an hour.

This really is an adventure every step of the way.

Pack up and go!

Happy Valentine's Day!

In the pic are all my things that I will be shlepping around Europe for the next two weeks. Don't you just love the blue carry on bag with flowers? I got it so it could fit all my carry on things and my laptop. I don't know if you could see it but it's not only a sweet design but it's made out of cork and kimono fabric. It's pretty neat! You can check out this artist's bags by clicking here.

Anyways, I am a bit off topic from my leaving for Austria tomorrow. (Sometimes exciting new bags can do that to you!)

The world cup season officially begins this weekend. The Olympic qualification doesn't start until April 2007, but these first few world cups will help to increase my world cup rankings going into the more important tournaments.

I think that I would be lying if I didn't tell you that part of me is anxious to take this step. I am starting a season that I never thought I would be a part of. If you told me a year ago this time that I would be living in Rochester and training for Beijing, I would have thought that you were crazy. I can't believe that I am about to leave for Austria tomorrow!

Because we are multi-dimensional creatures, of course I feel more emotion than just anxiety. The other part of me-the competitive athlete, feels ready. Really ready. Nat and I have spent a lot of time talking through what these first few tournaments mean and what I should take away from the experience. Above all else, we both decided that these first tournaments would mean experience. Since there are so many world cups, it doesn't make sense to go into each one expecting to win. Small steps are taken and many lessons will be learned at each tournament. Besides, this goal of making the Beijing 2008 team is a marathon and not a 100m race.

During our workout this morning I decided to ask my trainer what he would do mentally to approach this situation? I asked him how he would approach a tournament, trying his best, setting practical goals and knowing that success doesn't mean winning everything? Dave said he doesn't operate that way, and that he would enter the competition with a killer mindset, "everyone is going down."

I'm definitely not like that. I guess after twenty years of fencing I have finally realized that it isn't all about winning. Tomorrow I am getting on the plane to Austria with concrete things I need to focus on but also knowing that I am not at the level that I will eventually be at for the Games. I don't need to be just yet.

This may be confusing for some people who haven't experienced sport at this level, but how about putting it this way-even Tiger Woods doesn't win all the time. You have to choose your battles-especially if you have lots of them in a row.

All the emotional stuff aside, I still may not make it out of here tomorrow morning. My flight is scheduled to take off at 10:30am but nothing is for sure in this blizzard we are currently having. The east coast and midwest are being slammed with snow which is causing delays and airport closings. Let's hear it for traveling to Europe in the middle of winter!

And last but not least...

Before I take off to start my adventure, I want to leave you with some words from a friend which may help to explain my mindset going into the first few world cups:

"...go off and have a grand adventure! It's one step at a time, one airport at a time, and lots of "invisible emotional support" to take with you on this trip. This is your time. When you step onto that "fencing stage", let that be your mantra - the affirmation you replay in your head and you feel in your heart. Travel safe and go play in the world."

Thank you to my circle of friends and family that always support me. The journey begins!

Inspirational video

My sports psychologist sent me this link:

http://www.walkthetalk.com/the212movie.php?refsource=tyorders

Let me know what you think.

Being positive-who knew?/fencing camp is fun/a lesson from an elephant

SERENITY NOW

They should bottle up positive attitudes so you can drink it up when you really need it. When I woke up this morning I was still positive, and still waiting for the other shoe to drop. The day progressed and still no fall out from the previous day. Then practice came around, still nothing. I even got suited up for some fencing and things went well-actually, they went better than I ever thought. I went in expecting nothing and I ended up practicing for almost two hours.

Apparently positive energy works. Who knew?

I spent a long time getting angry when things didn't go my way and things progressed much more slowly. Imagine how much more productive we could be if we had greater perspective on all things.

FENCING CAMP IS FUN

The women's foil team is coming to the Roc for a camp this weekend. We are getting ready for the international season, which starts next week with our first world cup in Austria.

I am looking forward to seeing the girls again!

A LESSON FROM AN ELEPHANT

You can learn a lot from elephants. I heard the following story at church this past Sunday, and I thought I would pass it along. It sort of goes with my "Risks" post.

There was an young elephant that was tied to a post. One day he decides that he wants to break free from the post. He tries and tries only to find that he is still tied to the post. One day he just gives up and decides that he should just accept his lot in life. This is his life, tied to a post. Little does he know that the post is just about to break and set him free.

The line between success and failure is very thin. Will you continue push for what you want even if it doesn't come easy?

Big girls don't cry

Remember when we were little kids we could throw tantrums to express our frustration? Wahhhh..wahhh...Mommy, I want this or I want that! Or in my case, wahhh, things aren't going the way I want them too!

When we get older we aren't allowed to have these types of tantrums however, what becomes of that emotion? How do we express ourselves when we actually "mature"? Yoga, organic food, supplements, smoking cigarettes, getting into bad relationships perhaps?

I ask these questions because today was one of those days where I could have used a "feel free to throw a hissy fit and cry because it doesn't matter how old you are" card. But the interesting part is that I didn't, and I am not sure what to think. If I am not getting angry in this moment then where does that frustration go? Have I swallowed it into a well where it will overflow once something else adds to my frustration? Or have I actually learned how to deal with my emotions?

Today was the day that I started fencing again after the famous pinky incident. I took the splint off, put the fencing glove on, tapped the two end fingers together, and gave it a try. The first few minutes were okay because we were doing very simple stuff in my one-on-one lesson, but when things got a bit more complicated, the finger started to hurt.

I could start to feel the emotions rising inside of me. I wonder if any of you have ever felt frustration like this? It begins deep in my stomach and slowly rises up into my chest, then it sends a signal to my brain that it's time to react or cry.

The voice (or the "irrational Iris" as I like to call her) started in with her two cents, "You aren't going to be ready. You are leaving for your first world cup of the season next week Wednesday, and you aren't ready. Why is it when things start to get good, you get injured? What were you thinking-you're so dissapointing? Is this always going to hurt like this? Is this yet another thing you have to worry about? Why me, oh God, why me?" Irrational Iris has the most amazing stream of conciousness because it just never stops and spirals into a million other thoughts. She's very verbose.

Her voice got louder at the same moment when the handle of my weapon started to really press against the inside of my hand right at the injury. At which point, I knew that I would either crack or just explode right there on the spot. Believe me, I was going to have a full blown meltdown. BUT, I didn't.

I am still not sure why. I am guessing that after all this time working with a sports psychologist, the positive mental attitude permeated my entire thought process. Apparently it helps to calm me down in situations where I am in physical pain as well. The work I have been doing allowed me to listen to the "rational Iris" as she countered with, "let's look at the big picture here. Is this really going to affect your chance at Beijing? It's just a pinky and you will do whatever it takes to get past this. What happens now doesn't determine what your year and a half will be like. You can get through this because you are tougher than that."

You must think I'm insane. Well partly, because to dedicate one's life to poking people with a sword is a bit insane.

However, I do think that we have two sides to ourselves, one with perspective and the other that always insists on bringing up the negative. I have just decided to name them rational and irrational Iris. You can laugh later but apparently it's helping me get through my roadblocks.

Or maybe not. I am still not sure why I didn't react as strongly to this situation. I am not sure how I was able to maintain composure and perspective. I worry a bit that this is sort of the "serenity now" scenario from Seinfeld. It's the bit where Kramer decides that serenity now is a phrase that he can use to calm himself down but it just ends up making him more crazy because he isn't dealing with what is really annoying him.

Either way I still have to wake up tomorrow and face another day at practice. My hope is that the pain becomes gradually less over the next week so that I feel more prepared for my trip to Austria and Germany.


On another note: I forgot to mention a while back that Serena "the great" Williams is back. She just won the Australian Open the other week. Now that is a comeback story.

Risks-what's the point?

A lot of people told me I was taking a big risk in my life in order to train for yet another Olympic games. I was definitely one of those people that felt that I was taking a giant leap (although slightly more calculated than my parents thought) when I moved from California and my post-college life as "Iris the career woman".

The career woman life doesn't just include steps in the direction of money and career but it is also a path in my personal life. I don't often talk about this portion of my training but it is very real. An Olympian's life is not conducive to the popular mid-twenties personal life. With a crazy training and traveling schedule you can forget about dating, going out, and meeting new people on a regular basis.

My goal is very intense and very personal, so it means that I am the main focus of my life at the moment, which is not so great for forming good friendships or relationships in general. Perhaps I take the goal a little too seriously but I am pretty sure that it is hard for most athletes to keep a strong social calendar.

So the question is, with all the sacrifice, what's the point? What if you go to the Olympics and take dead last? What if you don't make the team? What if you win? What if? What if? Why does any of this matter?

I put some thought into that because it is dangerous to go on auto-pilot and assume that while you are in pursuit of a goal, you truly understand the point of the whole thing. You have to ask yourself, do you have perspective? Because if you don't and things don't go the way you suspect, you have to have the presence of mind to understand that there was a purpose and that you did try your best.

So, back to the answer of the question-why take the risk to train again for the Olympics if you aren't gauranteed a spot? Why come back when things are so hard, you have to earn money to travel, you live with your parents, you are continuing to make the same sacrifices? Why, Iris, why? (I am sure these are questions that you have wanted to ask me.)

The answer is best summed up in the story of my teammate and the exerpt of a letter our coach wrote to him after an unsuccessful tournament.

The Story of Z

This season started like any other for Z (I am not going to use his whole name here) with national competitions and training. However, he quickly discovered after the first few tournaments that he could possibly make a junior world championship team. This was no small feat for Z since he never showed that much promise in fencing-when he was younger he was a little slow, awkward, and never seem to get things as quickly as his peers. Nevertheless, he plugged along and continued on in the sport.

This year after a the first few national tournaments, Z decided that he would make a run for the team and compete internationally. In this sport if you don't go overseas then you can't make the team (just look at my schedule on the right hand side of the blog). His parents, a middle class family with two other children, had to take on side jobs in order to get him to these fencing tournaments. Not to mention putting all the trips onto credit cards first. Z definitely understands how much people around him, including himself, have put into his goal which heightens his anxiety and nervousness.

Unfortunately, the last few tournaments were not as stellar and pushed him down the ranking list. Right now he is looking at an alternate position but he continues to pursue his dream with passion and heart.

What is the point for Zach and his parents? Doesn't this seem extreme for him? His parents taking the risk and putting expensive trips on credit cards just so he can wear a sweatsuit that says USA Fencing on the back? Can't he just save the money and buy his own?

I think you will be able to find the answer for yourself in the following passage from a letter that our coach wrote to Z after his last oversease competition.

Pay attention because she is much more articulate than I am.

I think it's essential, in the pursuit of the good life, to have lofty goals which are difficult to reach. Sometimes we do reach them, which is wonderful and often euphoric. But we don't always get there, so what is the value of reaching so high? It is the process.

.....you are pursuing a sport in which you put yourself on a strip alone, very publicly, have to think quickly, demonstrate the highest of physical skills, and maintain your composure. You have to call on all the physiological capabilities you have even when you are so tired you want to throw up or collapse on the floor, remember everything you trained to execute, and remember all the strategies we discussed without the benefit of your personal coach. As long as you never give up, even if you don't accomplish what you hoped for in a particular bout you are successful.

Why do Z and I pursue these goals? The answer is much less concrete than if I do x and then I will get y, but it is much more existential in nature.

We risk because these goals are greater than ourselves and teach us about who we are and what we are capable of. I think it's boring to pursue life without risk-sit behind a desk just because we are told to. Sometimes making a personal leap will make you happier beyond your wildest dreams. Because without great struggle there cannot be the opposite, great success.

I wish you courage and strength to pursue the things that you truly care about. I know that everyone's life isn't just so, so that they can choose what they want to do. But I believe if you truly feel strongly about something, you have to do yourself the justice of at least trying.

Cast off!

I got the cast off this morning but it was quickly replaced by a splint. I have attached photos of the splint that I have to wear for the next two weeks.

According to the doc I can start holding a weapon on Monday but I have to make some modifications to my weapon and tape my fingers together when I fence. I think the doc said something about the next two to three months. It takes much longer for the ligaments to heal than the bone-which in my opinion makes no sense.

The photos aren't that great but I hope you get the picture (no pun intended).

Photos of the Rochester Open

Here are just a few photos of the Rochester Open competition we held this past weekend. The random photo without fencing in it is a picture of cookies that were donated by Cookies in a Wink for the Open House. Thanks, Wendy!

Enjoy the photos!

T-minus one day until I get my cast off!

Tournament, Open House, tv cameras, oh my!

This past weekend was a busy one filled with morning wake ups at 6am and frequent sips of coffee between adrenaline rushes. I helped to put together and run our first Rochester Open competition and our first ever Open House at the Rochester Fencing Club.

In between training for the Olympics and fundraising, I decided to help out with business development at the club. Can I have my Olympian with a type-A personality and a little bit of overachievement on the side? Why, yes you can! It must be something in the Rochester water or the rice that my mother makes because my sister is the same way.

Anyways, we had a successful weekend. The tournament ran smoothly and we had some people drive in from Syracuse to attend. I was actually more proud of the turnout at our Open House- 50-60 people showed up at our doorstep despite the snow storm and cold temperatures. My hope is that we retain a majority of these visitors but one never knows.

I learned a lot about business when putting this together but most importantly, I learned the power of the media. The people that showed up to the Open House heard about it through our ads in the local newspapers and the spot on R News. Now I understand why the candidate I worked for sunk millions into his ad campaign.

I should have pictures up of the two events shortly. There were so many of them that I have to sort through all of them first.

I hope everyone had a much more restful weekend than I did! Only three more days until the smelly cast comes off my hand!

Photos from the Fundraiser

Fundraiser Review

The fundraiser went off with great reviews from my friends and family. One person wrote this to me in an email and I thought it was a great reflection of how the event went:

"It is very obvious that you have such a close knit support network of friends, family, and teammates/ training partners. Having never been involved with or around fencing I was unsure of what to expect. What I saw was a lot of smiles, a lot of laughter, and people having fun- the tell tale signs of a successful event."

I do feel truly blessed to have so many wonderful friends and close teammates. If I were to guess, there were about 50 people there and altogether we raised almost $1,000. With all the drama that went on prior to the event and with last minute cancellations, I felt that the event was a success.

I would like to acknowledge and thank the following people:

Felicia Zimmermann, who flew in overnight and flew out the next day at 6am just to help her little sister out.

Gabe Sinkin and Doris Willette, for driving in from Penn State despite the weather to help fence in the demo and support me.

Chris Burleigh, Write Type Publishing who helped me promote the event and sell posters.

OlympiansCory Sertl (Sailing '88) and Theresa Contos (Handball '84)-once an Olympian, always an Olympian.

Adil Masood and his family, for always giving without question. Thank you for helping and encouraging me each step of the way.

Bob Silver, from GRAAF.

Al Parisi and his family.

Jenny Ertel, for always being an inspiration.

John Hoy, Slickers. Always a good friend.

Nat Goodhartz and Kathy Weber, always there to lend an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. I called Nat every hour on the day of the event to vent frustration and to get advice.

And last but not least, my parents Thomas and Christina. Forget it-I need a lifetime to thank them.

My father somehow got me on the popular morning radio show Brother Wease by pretending he was an avid listener and biker who is also a supporter of Iris Zimmermann. I wonder what they thought about my father's thick German accent?

I will walk away from this experience having learned a lot about fundraising, promotion, working with others, and being dissapointed. The worse part was finding out which of your friends actually support you unconditionally. Some people talk the talk and some people walk the walk.

All in all this was a fun event and I was so happy to be surrounded by friends and family. From what I heard everyone had a great time and enjoyed watching the demo.

I hope to post some photos of the event on the blog soon.

Thank you to everyone who came-I felt like a rockstar!

Under promise and over deliver

The one thing that I took away from my experience in California politics is "under promise and over deliver". So, this is the way I choose to look at the fundraiser tomorrow evening. I don't promise this will be a huge event and I am just content to have an event after the cancellation scare.

Being the type of athlete I am with high standards and expectations, I am learning how to put the expectations away and just go with it. I am thankful that my sister is flying in tomorrow morning from LA to help me out with this event. When all else fails, get your family to help you out.

I also just learned that one of the girls may not be able to make it to the demonstration because of weather issues. She is driving in from Ohio. Under promise...under promise...under promise...under pressure..unable to breathe.

Cross your fingers everyone!

Don't pull your hair out

So I get a call this morning from the midtown athletic club saying that only five people are pre-registered for the fundraiser on Wednesday and they are cancelling the event. (First of all, who knew that everyone had to pre-register?)

Well, good morning to you too! So I called my friend Chris (she's like my right hand woman) and let her unleash her fury on midtown. By the time I called the special events director she asked, "Is this Chris violent?" I swear I could hear the events director tremble on the phone as she asked me that. They ended up compromising by scaling down the event and moving the venue.

I spent half the morning and afternoon calling and confirming friends. I felt like, just because midtown didn't do the job of promoting my event, I shouldn't be punished. So in one afternoon, I have about 30 commitments, news media coming, and letters of complaint going to the athletic club. I would say my friends are pretty loyal.

Anyways, after all that I am still annoyed. My mother saw that I was still brooding about this situation at the dinner table and said one of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard, "Don't continue to pull your hair out after someone has already done the job." Meaning, you are only hurting yourself getting disappointed and angry about someone else's incompetence. It makes sense. Perhaps that is why it's better to forgive than harbor the anger I feel towards the club.

A refuge

I am not always impressed by sports stories because the lot of them seem to show athletes being hauled off to jail, fined for poor behavior, using anabolic steroids or other perfomance enhancing drugs, or just random misconduct. Anyone hear the latest on Michael Vick and the infamous water bottle with suspicious marijuana like contents? There is one example.

However, this Sunday's New York Times sports story was more human interest than sports. No athletes in this article are big stars with million dollar contracts by any means. Come to think of it this front page Sunday New York Times story didn't have any of the usual catch words, "bomb", "death", or "War in Iraq". It was a refuge from the norm.

Refugees Find Hostility and Hope on Soccer Field

If you haven't read this story yet, you should really click here.


It's an amazing tale of how a woman started a soccer team of refugee kids. The athletes are from from war torn areas like Liberia and Afghanistan. One child recounts being a child soldier and being forced to kill another child in his village.

Their story is all about ups and downs--and the downs aren't even their individual tales from their homes. It turns out that the mayor of their town in Clarkstown, Georgia has been one of the biggest roadblocks to their success. The mayor doesn't really like soccer (oh yeah, and refugees) played in the large grassy Clarkestown field.

But to many longtime residents, soccer is a sign of unwanted change, as unfamiliar and threatening as the hijabs worn by the Muslim women in town. It’s not football. It’s not baseball. The fields weren’t made for it. Mayor Swaney even has a name for the sort of folks who play the game: the soccer people.

Despite their struggles against the town and its mayor, I believe that they will succeed. Because even with everything these kids have been through they ultimately love soccer. Kicking around a ball as a team provides them with much needed refuge from their past and sometimes their present hardships. There is a point sometimes when sports crosses a line to become more than just physical exercise, but a way to find escape and freedom.

The cast

My Mom and I look pretty tough! :)

I really can't type much now which puts a damper on my blog. However, now is the time to work on my photography skills.

This morning I saw Dr. Del Signori, a hand surgeon, about my finger. Apparently the finger was pushed so far to the right on the right hand that it fractured the outside portion of the bottom of the pinky. The fracture isn't as bad as the second degree sprain that will take longer to heal but it's a good thing that I went to a great doctor who is experienced with treating athletes.

I definitely connected with the doc when she told me the story of how she became a hand surgeon. She was playing in a big game at Holy Cross when she fractured her middle finger. Instead of leaving the game, she decided to tape her hand to the lacrosse stick. When the game was over (they lost) she went to the hospital with the stick still taped to her hand. The rest is history.

So I am in this cast for the next two weeks. Until February 1st at 8:15am to be exact.

The journey continues....

The hand bone is connected to the fractured pinky

It's official, there is a fracture at the base of the pinky finger on my right hand. My doc just called with the x-ray results and I have to go in to see the hand specialist tomorrow morning. I can't believe that someone hit me hard enough directly on my finger to fracture it. I think it gives everyone an idea of how tough this sport really is.

I also can't believe I continued to fence in the gold medal round without feeling much of anything. Thank goodness for adrenaline.

Step one, take second at the second national tournament, step two, break pinky finger--hmmm..that wasn't in the plans. This is a lesson that the journey will always have bumps in the road because as John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans".

So this is life and it's happening.

More information on the recovery tomorrow when I see my doctor and the specialist. I guess I'm going to have to focus on floating like a butterfly and hold off on the sting like a bee part. Hopefully this stinger will heal before my next tournament in Austria on February 17th.

California dreaming

My car in my driveway. P.S. that is my Dad in the background with the snowblower.

I think today is the day that I miss California most. My poor car also misses California as it has never seen the likes of snow since it was built in Mexico and shipped to California.

When I left for Ohio it was 50 degrees in Rochester and when I got back yesterday it was 18 degrees. I had to turn on the defroster and wait ten minutes before I could chip through the inch thick sheet of ice that had accumulated on my car.

What does this have to do with fencing? Well, nothing really but it's been a while since I've lived through a Rochester (lake effect snow) winter. I just want to list this under one of the things that I sacrificed in order to train for the Olympics. My car and I miss California.

Journey-on an upward swing!

CELEBRATE!

I won the silver today at the Columbus National tournament. I really had a great showing and worked through a lot of my mental roadblocks while in competition. Not to mention that I had such a great time while I was fencing!

The day I left for Columbus (we drove the 6 1/2 hours here from Rochester, NY) I went to Starbucks to get my favorite, tall caramel macchiatto with skim milk. Why is this significant? Well, Starbucks always has various quotes on their cups entitled, "The Way I See It". The message on the day I left happened to be one from speedskaterApollo Anton Ohno. And it goes something like this:

"If I have given my all and still do not win, I haven't lost. Others might remember winning or losing; I remember the journey."

Very true. I almost shed tears today after beating someone that I have had so much trouble with in the past. Coming in second was so sweet and meant so much more to me than it would have in the past. I worked hard for this and for once I am going to be proud of myself. Because I endured and I pushed past so much in order to get here.

This isn't to say there won't be any downs in the next year or that I don't have more to work on (which I do for sure), but I finally feel like this is the beginning of something good. (Knock on wood-what can I say? I'm superstitious.)

I want to post more on the site tomorrow when I feel a little more rested. Also, one of my opponents hit me on my right pinky knuckle so hard it looks like a sausage. All this makes it difficult to type but I wanted to make sure to update everyone on the good news! :)

California friends and my Rochester future

To catch everyone up to speed in a few very short sentences. Yes, it's been seven days since my last blog. Yes, I have been busy. Yes, I am now 26 years old. Yes, I have to go to a fencing competition in Columbus, Ohio on Thursday.

My trip to California

After Christmas, I participated in a women's foil camp in San Francisco. I spent New Year's Eve in Tahoe catching up on much needed rest and relaxation from the camp. I think I used most of the time to nurse my sore muscles in the hot tub. You have never seen stars until you have been surrounded by snow, sitting in the hot tub at night, and looking up at the Tahoe sky. It was amazing.

After New Year's I spent a few days in SF including my birthday, which was last Saturday. I am finally a few days into the first year of my late twenties. It's an era which will include lots of fencing and traveling. I'm looking forward to it.

My birthday party was an interesting one. I sort of tried to meld a group of mismatched friends together so I can see them all at one time. Some were Stanford kids I met during the Stanford in Moscow program, some were people I knew from the California gubernatorial campaign I worked on, and others were friends from San Francisco.

With this experience I realized that you accumulate lots of friends overtime and not all of them are going to mesh together even if you are all at a great Vietnamese restaurant in San Francisco.

But more importantly, I realized that in six months my life has completely changed. Going back to California was truly an eye opener for me. While my friends were stressed about their jobs and purpose in life, I thought about all the fun things I get to do like fencing, competing, meeting different people, traveling. Not to say one thing is better than the other, but I felt for the first time that I wasn't really missing out on anything.

Of course my Stanford friend asked THE question almost every Stanford grad asks me, "Why did you decide to waste two years of your life?". No joke, that's what he asked.

At first I was a little shocked because I felt that the broad smile on my face would have already answered that question. A few months ago I would have said that I was scared and part of me thought this was the dumbest idea, but this is now and my answer was and is because I LOVE IT. There is no greater joy for me now than what I am doing. Fencing has always been a huge part of me and I am in this moment for good, for better, or for even better, at least for the next year.

I am more worried now about afterwards and what will I do when it's all over but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Today, I spoke to an Olympic sailor that competed in Mexico City at the 1968 Games. I called to invite him to my fundraiser and he started in with, "back in my day I only got $300 and made my own boat. I even got the crew together by myself". I love it. At the end of the conversation I was curious what an ex-Olympian does forty years after they compete. He just plainly answered, of course I still sail and I even build boats.

I think if you do a sport to such an intense degree and you have the opportunity to represent your country in the ultimate competition, the sport never leaves you. It becomes part of you for better or worse-the aches and pains of old injuries and the incredible feeling you get when you walk into an Olympic stadium with thousands of people cheering for you-I own those memories and those feelings. All these things will always be a part of me and for that I am more than thankful. I could be working as an intern somewhere right now but instead I'm traveling the world and chasing a dream.

Pravda

For the few of you that read this blog and don’t know, I spent four months studying abroad in Moscow (Russia, that is). While I was there “pravda” became my favorite Russian word because it means truth. Also, pravda just so happened to be the name of the U.S.S.R.’s national newspaper. As Alanis Morissette once sang, “Isn’t it ironic?".

As we all close another year and begin another, and as I close my 25th year to start my 26th (my birthday is on Saturday), I feel the need to reflect. I think most 25-year-olds feel a strong desire to understand the point of their journey. However, I do know that self-reflection isn't unique to age, but at 25 there is a strong pull of maturity and a letting go of youth. Afterall, wasn't it John Mayer, a popular singer and spokesmen for twenty something’s, that coined the phrase “quarter-life crisis”? If you haven’t heard the song, it’s a good one.

In 2006, I have become a college graduate, worked on a major political campaign in California, and moved back home to pursue a childhood dream. The pursuit of my fencing dreams is more than just an athletic endeavor, it has inspired me to really dig deep emotionally, physically, and mentally. And you all get to read about it! Aren’t you lucky?

So, without further ado, what better way to present these very personal thoughts about my life journey thus far than a list? If it’s good enough for David Letterman, it’s good enough for me.

Small caveat, some of these points may be related but it’s my list and I’ll do what I wanna.

List of Fundamental Truths as Learned by a 25 year old

1. Life is not something you can plan out. After a high school diploma and college degree, there really isn’t anything else (besides grad school) that is as planned out or structured. And even if you try and plan your life in four or five year increments, you will learn just as the Soviets did, even the best laid plans come collapsing down.

2. It is what it is. Meaning, there are some things that you cannot change and must accept. My favorite prayer is the “serenity prayer” which basically sums up point two. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change. The courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” I’m still working on all the above.

3. To forgive is to forget. We only do more harm to ourselves when we choose not to forgive.

4. Change is constant. The picture of today is not always the picture of tomorrow. Which brings me to my next point.

5. Be in the moment. Live in the moment. Each moment passes faster and faster as we get older. Somewhere along the way deadlines take over our lives and we tend to lose perspective. How many times have you said, “No, I can’t. I don’t have time.”? To which I use Lao Tzu’s words:

“Time is a created thing. To say, ’I don’t have time’ is to say‘I don’t want to.’”

6. Being honest with yourself is just as important as honesty with others. Honesty with yourself means being able to admit all the bad and good things that make you, you. But the inability to admit the good things can hold you back just as much as the inability to admit the bad things.

7. Pass on the kindness that you have been shown. You can’t always reciprocate when people do things for you or impact your life, but you can pass on that same kindness to others as one type of repayment. Anyone ever seen the movie Pay It Forward?

8. Loyalty is hard to find and when you find it, hold on to it.

9. Women in fashion magazines are airbrushed. Just had to add that for my own benefit.

10. The brand of clothing I wear does not determine my self worth. Unless they become a sponsor….just kidding.

11. One’s primary source of validation must come from one’s own self-evaluation. After college there are no more gold stars or A+’s, or teachers and parents to tell us what is good and what is bad. But we still feel a need to look to others to form opinions about our lives. Who knows you better? I would hope that the answer is you.

12. Self-confidence should be paired with flexibility to accept change and criticism.

13. Treat everyone with the respect that you would like to receive.

14. Think before you act.

15. Patience is more than a virtue, it is everything. Things happen in small quantities or sometimes in large steps, but the simple fact is that you will spend time waiting for things to happen by your creation or by other’s determination. So while you are waiting you might as enjoy the wait. There is no destination without a journey.

16. You are not the only one. As much as we like to believe that we are the center of the universe, we aren’t.

17. No one is paying attention to you but you, so worrying about what other people think of you is an exercise in futility.

18. Do as much as you can each day even if that is only a little bit.

19. Surround yourself with people that support you but are always willing to question your motives.

20. Happiness is in the eye of the beholder. You are the only one that both determines and controls your own happiness. Don’t blame others for making you unhappy.

21. Give people the room to change because first impressions are not always as they seem.

22. Make time for the most important people in your life—your family.

23. Pursue your dreams with passion.

24. Believe that you will reach your destination even when you aren’t anywhere near it.

25. Never give up. Recently I have been reading Chris Gardner’s book, “Pursuit of Happyness”, and I would hope at this point most people know about Chris' incredible journey from homelessness to a self-made multi-millionaire, entrepreneur, motivational speaker and philanthropist from the new hit movie starring Will Smith. Sometimes when things would get difficult (as they often did in his life) Chris would chant the words “Go forward” until that’s all he could hear.

So for the New Year, I hope that you will all follow Chris Gardner's example and continue to “Go forward”. We may not all end up multi-millionaires, but we each have our own goals.

Go forward, go forward, go forward, go forward, go forward, go forward, go forward……….

Happy New Year!

I haven't been blogging lately between Christmas, fencing camp in San Francisco, and the New Year's retreat to Tahoe, CA. It has definitely been a busy week.

Happy New Year to everyone! I hope that 2007 brings you more joy and success than last year!

We all have something

My former teammate and Olympian, Suzie Paxton and I had a long conversation the other night. We talked about how things are going for me and my pursuit of Beijing. I told her the truth, things were a little rocky from time to time. It's sometimes hard for me to see the result at the end of the road when I work and struggle through each day and each tournament.

I told her some of my perceived weaknesses and she admitted to some of her own while she was training for the 1996 games. Then we got on the subject of athletes we admired and she mentioned someone that had a physical disability but was still playing high level sports with a prosthetic leg. He has actually done more incredible things after the accident than before-almost as if having a prosthetic leg gives him a reason to be the best.

People who encounter these types of obstacles in their lives either go one of two ways. One, the route of feeling sorry for themselves. Or two, making each day count because they are very aware of how life can throw some crazy curve balls. Suzie then said something to me that resonated, "everyone has a disability but some are not as visible as a prosthetic leg".

That got me thinking about my unseen disabilities. Perhaps my greatest disability is ego. Things used to be so much easier for me and I could win almost any tournament I entered but now the end result isn't as certain. After Richmond, there was a part of me that went down the road of self-pity. I will admit that it took a good week for me to get out of a depressed funk. Maybe it's okay to have a moment (or a week in my case) to admit defeat and nurse the wound?

On Monday of this week, my sports psychologist asked me if I wanted to quit. For a moment, I considered it very seriously. I could walk away, but if I walk away from this I will have given in to all the fear and doubt. Who's to say that I won't be faced with a hard situation again? This is life after all, a series of challenges. When the going gets tough does Iris get going?

If anything, I would want to know that I am the type of person that would not choose the easy way out. After all, I didn't sign up to train for a regional tournament, I signed up for the Olympics. Here is where acceptance comes in and gives way to persistence. Just like the man with a prosthetic leg, I can allow my ego to disable me or I can use it to help me achieve extraordinary things.

The fortune is in the cookie

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Just a short story to start off the week.

My mother is a translator for a company here in Rochester that provides translation services for hospitals and clinics. One of her clients is an older Chinese gentleman that always insists on inviting my family to dinner. Well, Sunday night was the night that we finally agreed and all of us hauled over to the Super Duper China Buffet. I'm not one for buffets but it seemed like all of Rochester was there.

After our meal we received the bill and of course, a few fortune cookies for the table. Now, I never really care for the fortunes and usually laugh at the mistranslation of the Chinese words on the back of the fortune, but this time I had a reason to pay attention.

I have been feeling a little down lately about fencing and my journey to the Olympics, and the words, "Why am I doing this?", have been playing over and over again in my head.

It was as if Confucius heard about my struggle and plopped the appropriate fortune in front of me that read, "Never give up". Short, sweet, and definitely to the point.

I'm not one to follow these fortune cookie superstitions but if it's good enough for the guy who writes these fortunes in the New York Chinatown factory, then it's good enough for me.

The fortune is in the cookie-NEVER GIVE UP!

Side note:

Origins of the fortune cookie (as per Wikipedia)

San Francisco and Los Angeles both lay claim to the origin of the fortune cookie. Makoto Hagiwara of Golden Gate Park's Japanese Tea Garden in San Francisco is said to have invented the cookie in 1909, while David Jung, founder of the Hong Kong Noodle Company in Los Angeles, is said to have invented them in 1918.

San Francisco's Court of Historical Review ruled in 1983 in favor of San Francisco. Although the court was presided over by a Federal judge, the court itself has been criticized as being less than serious and biased in favor of San Francisco. Its conclusions, therefore, might not be the final word on the subject.

P.S. The fortune cookie will not be served to you with your bill when eating in Beijing, Shanghai, or anywhere in China for that matter.

100th post!, Fascinating People, The Amazing Pomegranate

100th POST!

Welcome to my 100th blog post!

I started posting on this blog about six months ago on 6/26/06, just a few days before I left California for Rochester.

Although my last post was a bit of a heavy one, I think I've come a long way. Over the past few months I have shed about ten pounds and gained some muscle, slowly working my way into the athlete that I was physically. But as I shed the pounds, I am also shedding a bit of the past, the "old iris". I've come back home and rediscovered my roots, relinquished my relationship with an abusive coach, and started a new and fabulous journey.

Fascinating People

Whenever I go through a trial or struggle through some negative thoughts, I seem to get a reminder that I am not the only one.

I was watching TV tonight with my mother, and since we don't have cable, we were stuck on Barbara Walter's special of The Most Fascinating People of 2006. One of the fascinating people on her list was an athlete that I have admired for a long time, Andre Agassi.



He said something that was so pointed in my direction that I couldn't ignore it. Barbara asked him what it was like to come back and work his way back up the rankings from #141 to #1 in the world. Andre told Barbara that he thought about quitting a thousand times and even went as far as to give his racquets away. But he only quit for that small moment because he always wanted to continue. Even after his 21 years of failure and great success, "It was never about winning", he said.

Is someone trying to send me a message? Just this afternoon I was at the gym and told my trainer, after a few expletives, that I was tired of waiting and I just wanted to WIN! If I could, I would take that statement back because it showed that I hadn't learned anything. I know that if I continue to think that winning is a true validation of the process then I have truly lost.

The Amazing Pomegranate

In an effort to teach me patience, my mother has decided to buy me a pomegranate each week. If I want to eat it I can't simply pick it up and bite into it. If you have ever eaten a pomegranate you know that it takes time to peel it open, take out all the fruit, and then eat it. In the end, you wind up wanting to eat it slowly since it took you so long to peel and prepare.



My mother is hilarious. We now call it the "patience fruit" and she watches me as I peel apart the fruit and disect it into something edible. The funny part is that I can never figure out a way to take the fruit out faster-it is what it is. If I get frustrated she tells me, "Iris, you must work on the patience. Enjoy the experience and then enjoy the fruit."

Thanks, Mom.

in the raw

When I started this blog I wasn't sure how real I was going to be about my journey to Beijing-I mean, some things should probably be kept to myself. I struggled with the audience and handed out the blog address to anyone and everyone, even people who would end up donating money to me. Somewhere along the line I felt that I had to keep some things to myself because I was afraid that donors would decide that I wasn't worth the investment and move on.

But I have decided that in order to align this blog with my personality and thoughts, this blog is and will continue to be "in the raw". I was built with emotions on my sleeve and with an honesty that often catches people off guard. That's me and that's this blog.

So who cares? Well on the one hand, I could tell you that I went to the first competition of the season and took sixth out of one hundred and three women. I could continue on with-I made some progress, I had a good time, and it was a good start to a long two year journey. Bullshit. Yeah, I said it, bullshit.

What I really feel is-if results are really proportional to the work that I put in then I should be winning. What I really feel is-why can't I just get past these walls? What I really feel is-I SHOULD be winning and not losing to people who's age is significantly less than the number of years I have been fencing. What I really feel is disappointment.

If you talk to my coach she will tell you that things weren't so bad and that I fenced really well all day long until my last bout. I made some big errors and the other girl won. So now we go back and diligently work on the technical and tactical things that were wrong.

You see, if I was someone else with a different past I would agree with her. But for some reason I can't and won't allow myself these mistakes. Shouldn't the girl that started her career with a win at a local high school at 10 years old, winning a world championship at age 14, shouldn't I be able to climb this mountain in one leap? It turns out that the past is a shadow that gets bigger and darker when it goes unchecked.

I woke up on Sunday morning and Monday morning with the same feeling in the pit of my stomach. A sinking feeling with a voice that said that I may never get to the top of that mountain. What if I have to confront the fact that I may not have what it takes? After all, these girls have been working while I took two years off to finish school. These thoughts get spiraling and getting louder and louder.

Here it is, the raw. This morning I felt tired. I'm not talking about physical or mental fatigue but a spiritual fatigue. A big part of me thought that this task was insurmountable. I wanted to give up.

Thankfully I have some tools. I went down the list-I called my sports psychologist, my coach, and then a really good friend of mine who also trained for the Olympics in 2004.

The sports psychologist told me to evaluate why I was doing this and come back to the process. Yeah sure I understand but I still didn't feel any better. My coach assured me that it wasn't that bad and that she would never walk away and would always support me. Sounded good but why didn't I feel any better?

Then I spoke to my friend. He said something very real that jolted me back into thinking with some perspective. I asked him the same questions my sports psychologist asked me earlier that day, "Why do you want to do this? Why would you put yourself through this process? Why would you want to break yourself down and put yourself back together again? What drives you? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?" His answer was almost like a breath of fresh air, "There is no answer." Sometimes there is just why with no answer. You do this because you do it-you do this because you enjoy the sport. Maybe there is no grandiose point to the whole thing. The Olympics are a great thing but you fence because you want to.

What he said clicked my mind into gear with some thoughts with the same zen-like manner. There is no how and there is no why, sometimes there only is what there is. In reality, Ww are always on the edge of quitting. Stopping the machine before our workout is done, quitting the task that gets too hard, but you have to find the strength deep inside to continue to work through. Sometimes the reward is nothing but the process itself; it only is what it is.

I don't believe any of these mental walls I built and all these struggles will be resolved in a minute or with just one conversation, but it is definitely pushing me to become a stronger woman. If I walk away from this the same person then it would be a loss, but if I am able to gain strength of mind, body, and spirit, then maybe that could be my answer to why. I hope that one of these days my interior thoughts will match my exterior strength. Meanwhile, I am truly thankful to have friends who are strong for me when I am not strong enough.



"The first question which you will ask and which I must try to answer is this, "What is the use of climbing Mount Everest?" and my answer must at once be, "It is no use." There is not the slightest prospect of any gain whatsoever. Oh, we may learn a little about the behavior of the human body at high altitudes, and possibly medical men may turn our observation to some account for the purposes of aviation. But otherwise nothing will come of it. We shall not bring back a single bit of gold or silver, not a gem, nor any coal or iron. We shall not find a single foot of earth that can be planted with crops to raise food. It's no use. So, if you cannot understand that there is something in man which responds to the challenge of this mountain and goes out to meet it, that the struggle is the struggle of life itself upward and forever upward, then you won't see why we go. What we get from this adventure is just sheer joy. And joy is, after all, the end of life. We do not live to eat and make money. We eat and make money to be able to enjoy life. That is what life means and what life is for."

--George Leigh Mallory, 1922