The bigger picture

My Mom asked me today how things were going with training. I told her that I am getting used to losing everyday because I am now losing by smaller margins these days. I also told her that it can sometimes get frustrating to lose to people that I know don't work as hard as I do or put in nearly as much time and effort into their training.

Her answer? "Iris, some people win the lottery and other people work their whole lives and only make ends meet." (Is the fact that my Mom is asian that she reminds me of Mr. Miagi from Karate Kid, or is it because she's just that wise that she reminds me of him?) You have to look at the bigger picture, she said, because it's not like you are going to work with no result in the end of two long years. You just have to keep focused on what your own goals are and not worry about what other people are doing. It may seem that you are getting the raw end of the deal but hard work does and will pay off especially in sports.

Should I tell her that it's not always easy to see that bigger picture when you are at the end of an opponents foil and they just keep hitting you in the chest repeatedly? Although I do have to say that people are doing that less and less now a days.

I know that in life sometimes hardwork doesn't pay off and she's right, sometimes people will work all their life and only make ends meet. The cold hard fact is that life is not always fair and evenly divided. The one thing that I think that may set me apart is that I have what Casey FitzRandolph calls "blind faith". He had blind faith that he would eventually reach his potential of being the best that Casey could be no matter what the circumstances were in that moment.





A couple weeks ago my sports psychologist told me to close my eyes and think of the medal stand. When I did, what popped into my head surprised me. Instead of standing on the podium I was far away from the it with a vast desert that separated me from the podium.



As I keep working I notice when I do the same mental exercise, the desert gets smaller but so does the medal stand-all I see is a vast space of clear sky.
Does that mean the sky's the limit? Or does it mean that the goal of reaching a medal is nice but isn't the ultimate? Am I finally starting to believe that there is a bigger picture? I would like to think so because the new and bigger picture seems so much more beautiful.

Thanksgiving

Usually when everyone thinks of Thanksgiving they think of family gathering together for a feast, football when the meal is done, and copious amounts of food and drink all day long.

I've never been much for the Thanksgiving meal and I don't even like turkey all that much. Sorry but I'm a daughter of immigrants to the country so the whole pilgrims and Indians thing doesn't really resonate with me.

In an effort to enjoy the holiday I've decided that Thanksgiving has a different meaning to me. I'm going to use this holiday as an opportunity to give thanks to the people that have made a difference in my life. The truth is that everyone has been touched by someone that encouraged them at the right moment or lifted them up when no one else would.

Thank you to all my friends, family, and supporters.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

And finally it's time to reveal the BIG SECRET!

Remember a while back I had some big news about the women's foil team?

Well here it is folks!

Starting April 1st the top four women's foilists on the USA ranking list will be living together in Rochester, NY. I have already started to look for places for us to live and thinking about all the possibilities. Do you think the women would do a MTV Real World type confessional for You Tube? Or maybe not.

Mike and Nat, the head coaches of the women's foil team, decided that we couldn't train for Beijing scattered around the US. It would make the most sense, economically and logistically to base ourselves out of Rochester. The city is definitely cheap and has a history of supporting the fencing team and fencing club.

I couldn't publish the details of this earlier because the women hadn't all agreed and we hadn't decided on what date would be the best for our move.

Doris, Emily, Hanna, and I will be living together and training together for a year leading up to Beijing. We are missing one woman from the equation, 2004 Olympian and long time friend and teammate, Erinn Smart. Erinn is choosing to remain in NYC and train with my old coach Buckie Leach.

Well, I can't believe it is actually going to happen. I sort of have to pinch myself when I think about it. In true Iris fashion I have sort of taken this on as a project and started to think of ways to promote and market the women's foil team so we can come up with some funding. All the women are the same boat-we need money to train and travel.

Speaking of which I am going to take a short opportunity to complain once again about my money situation. It's just not coming in as I had hoped and it's getting close to crunch time.

Yesterday I received a bill from the place where I took the MRI of my knee a few months ago. It turns out that my insurance (the athlete insurance I receive from the USOC) doesn't cover the $890 MRI. Great. One more bill and I am not sure if the $80 in my bank account is really going to cover it.

Sorry to complain but it's a situation that is very real to me and I'm getting very close to feeling like I don't have a solution.

On the bright side, the women's foil team is coming to Rochester. This means great things for us and great things for the Rochester Fencing Club. I am very lucky to have such wonderful women as my teammates.

The Weekend

Just a quick note for the weekend.

I'm actually taking some time to explore Rochester with my friend, Rebecca, who is visiting from NYC. Her family and I go way back. Rebecca's family "adopted" me while I lived in NYC to train for the 2004 Games, and we eventually became very close. I miss them and I'm happy to have Reebs up here visiting.

Today Rebecca and I went to Rochester's famed George Eastman House to explore the Kodak founder's mansion. I think we're going to visit the Rochester Memorial Art Gallery tomorrow to see the new Georgia O'Keefe exhibit.

It's great to have a few days off from fencing to hang out with a close friend and explore the city that I grew up in.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Casey FitzRandolph- Olympic Gold Medalist

Okay, okay, I admit that in the past I have profiled athletes that weren't so awesome. Eh hem...cough...cough.....Floyd Landis. I am still shocked and dissapointed to know that Floyd tested positive for performance enhancing drugs after the Tour de France. I do have to make a small note that a recent article came out that the French laboratory made an administrative error in testing Landis' B Sample. Click here for the full report.

BUT I am not here to blog about Floyd Landis, I am here to blog about a truly extraordinary and bloggable athlete named Casey FitzRandolph. (I gave Casey my blog address so he may be blushing at this point. Or at least I hope he's not getting out his hunting crossbow. Eeck!)

Yes, I am here to talk about Casey FitzRandolph, with whom I had an amazing conversation with just two days ago. You can click here to go to his official website to learn more about his speedskating career.

So how and why did I get in touch with a speed skater from the winter olympics?

Well, a while back I was talking to the USOC sports psychologist that I work with and she mentioned that my issues with fencing were similar to another athlete she read about, Casey FitzRandolph. Then she suggested that we talk and the rest is blog history.

Let's see...I can see where she sees some similarity. Casey started skating at age 4 and I started fencing at age 6. Casey was a winning athlete throughout his career until he hit a wall when a new type of skate was implemented, starting to sound familiar? At the time the switch came about Casey was at the top of his game in the world rankings and after the change he fell significantly in the rankings. While it seemed everyone around him was quickly adapting, Casey was still adjusting to the new skates. The story turns out really well for him because he does eventually break through and win a gold medal at the 2002 Salt Lake City Games. I am still on the upward hill of getting used to the new rules of fencing and my story is yet to be written-that is the only difference.

I needed to talk with Casey about the nitty gritty. What was it like to train with athletes that were younger and lose to them repeatedly in practice? Were there days where you thought you could never be good again? What was it like to humble yourself and essentially start over in a sport that you thought you knew like the back of your hand?

The answers he gave? Are you ready for it?

The first answer is HARD WORK. Yeah, who would of thought, trying to be the top in the world is hard work. His mental focus changed after the Nagano Olympics in 1998 to become more about the process and the work it took to perfect his skating technique. He said he worked harder during that period of his career than at any other time.

The other answer he gave was equally as important. He shifted his focus from the medal stand to "being the best that Casey can be". He trained every single day and competed each time with that mentality.

I actually wrote out my version of "be the best Casey can be" and posted it in my locker. The sign reads, "be the best that Iris can be". Yes, I know what you're thinking, "Iris, how much time did it take you to come up with something so original yet stay true to Casey's thought process?" It was tough but it's all about hard work.

So what is "being the best that Iris can be", besides sounding like something from an army recruitment ad? In my mind it means going into practice each day and squeezing out every ounce of my ability because in the end that's all we can truly ask of ourselves.

In Casey's case he worked his way back up and eventually reached the ultimate goal of an Olympic Gold medal. That prompted me to ask, "Casey, at what point did you know that you could be up there and did you trust that you would get there?" His answer was that he worked very hard and had blind faith that the technique would come through, but the goal always remained "be the best that Casey can be on that day and in that moment".

His advice to me at the end of our conversation was to humble myself and start from the beginning. I should take one step at a time in small increments and eventually it will all come together. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I have the patience of a two year old but I get the point. It takes hard work and time-and even then the goal is still about being present in the process.

The best part of talking to Casey was the fact that two people from very different sports could relate to each other about their experiences. I am very grateful for our conversation.

Thanks, Casey!

Rochester

It's getting late and I need to get to bed to start another early day of workouts, but I thought I would get in a quick post.

This post is an ode to Rochester, NY.

The truth is that I had a lot of reservations moving back here and among them was the fact that there isn't a whole lot to do here compared to the other places I've lived, NYC, San Francisco, and Moscow. However, what Rochester lacks in fun events it makes up for in community. I can't think of a better place to find support for my Olympic dreams.

Hillary Clinton's famous phrase is that it takes a village to raise a child but it also takes a village to train for Olympic Games. Believe me, I need all the support I can get. There are so many times when I am out and about in Rochester and someone strikes up a conversation with me and I mention what I'm up to, and then that person takes an interest. Not only do they take an interest but they try their hardest to come up with ways that they could help me or put me in touch with someone that could help me raise money, find a job, etc.

When I was training in New York City people used to throw money at me for my fencing. Often times that money came with some sort of attachment or at the very worst an "ownership". One woman after giving making a donation demanded that I coach her child. On the other hand, in Rochester, people may not always have as much money but they are always willing to support me in any way that they can. Deanna at Brow Diva did my make-up for free for the photo shoot. Rob, the photographer of the lovely photos I posted, didn't charge me for the time it took to take the shots. Chris Burleigh, another friend is not charging me for the time she takes to put together promotional packets. Yet another friend, Gayle Cavan, is a massage therapists and doesn't ever charge more than twenty dollars for her hour long massages. The athletic club where I work out has provided me with a free membership. The list continues because there isn't a day that goes by that I am not extermely thankful for something someone has done for me.

Thank you, Rochester. :)


I have no update for you about the women's foilists just yet. However, I did set up a conference call with the current women's foil team and some former women's foil team members for tomorrow night. I thought it would be great for the new generation and the older generation to get to know each other and be able to ask some questions about what it's like to commit to training for an Olympic team.

Have a great Monday everyone!

More photos

I took some photos today for promotional material and I've posted a few here on the blog.







Thanks go out to:

Chris Burleigh from Write Type Publishing
Rob Kalnitz who took the photos
Deanna Netti-Cahill from Brow Diva

Women's Foil Team

A few blog posts back I mentioned that I have big news about the women's foil team. Although I can't tell everyone yet until I get the go ahead from the head coaches, but I can say that there are big things happening. In the mean time enjoy the photos from our trip to Valencia, Venezuela!

Pictures from Venezuela

A few photos of the USA women's foil team and our coaches.

To see more photos of our trip to Venezuela please click here.

You are more than what you eat and the separation of sport and self

Have you ever heard of that saying, “you are what you eat”? Ultimately I don’t think I’m the bagel I ate this morning but I guess you can be the judge of whether or not I’m a circular object with a hole in the middle. I shouldn’t be eating bagels but that’s all I had, so sue me USOC sports nutritionist!

So, Iris, what’s the point because I don’t really care what you had for breakfast? Defining oneself through results and winning is the predicament that most if not all top level athletes experience and have to work through. It’s much easier to be the young athlete who has nothing to lose than the older athlete who believes that they are only worth their latest result.

On Saturday one of my closest friends struggled through the Penn State Open competition and had a break down similar to the one I had in Torino just a few weeks ago. Her words were similar to mine, “I should be winning otherwise I’m a failure, I’m a fencer and if I can’t do this then I can’t do anything right, etc.” Anyone else recognize this lovely wasteland of negative self-talk?

It was interesting that no sooner did I figure out how to deal with losing and learning over again does someone else come up to me with the same problem. Struggling with fear and doubt is something pretty universal, especially when you are a top-level athlete that won’t settle for anything less than gold. Whatever happened to the learning process that we went through as youth? The false expectation becomes, you have nothing else to learn when you are the best. If that’s true, why did Michael Jordan, at the top of his game, train harder than he ever did? He didn’t have anything to prove but he knew he still had a lot to learn.

My friend has a lot of goals she wants to accomplish, making the NCAA team for Penn State, making the junior team, etc. She has placed all these very heavy things on her shoulders and in the end it has proven to weigh her down instead of inspire her to work. I think a lot of it has to do with self-identification and part of the title of this blog- the separation of sport and self.

At what point do we forget the goal as a task rather than a value judgment? When do sports cross the line from being a personal goal to just being personal? Yes, competition does bring out the character in us but at the same time it shouldn’t be the only way that we as athletes look at ourselves. We can use sports as a tool but not as an absolute opinion because we aren’t just athletes, but we are much more-a student, a girlfriend, a daughter, a friend, and multiple of other layers that are just as important as our athletic performances.

The point is, human beings are complex people (well, most of us) and we can be defined by more than just what we eat or do because in the end everything is added up as an extension of ourselves. Am I spouting existentialist theory? Perhaps partially, but it’s important for athletes to undo any type of tunnel vision they may have in order to maintain a healthy perspective while working hard towards their goals. As I say all this I admit that it’s very difficult because I put everything I have into making the Olympic team but if I have learned anything from Nat or the sports psychologist, it is that the enjoyment of the process is more important than the end result because if you can manage to enjoy what you are doing in the moment than you already are a success.

We are....Penn State!

I'm making a trip to Penn State University for the Penn State Open collegiate competition. Although I'm not competing many of my friends are so, I'm driving the 3 and a half hours to State College to watch them fence and have some much needed fun. It's been a crazy couple of months of none stop training and it's time for a short break.

Nat and I spent two hours today discussing strategy for the next few weeks leading up to the North American Cup (NAC) in Richmond, VA. After that I practiced, took a lesson, and met with some friends to discuss fundraising strategies. After all this I realized that I truly needed a break from fencing. For a few days I can hang out with my friends and yes, they are fencing friends but they are like family anyways and capable of talking about subjects besides fencing. The best part about this weekend is that I'm just being another twenty something, having fun, and going out.

Not to mention the benefit of having some time to visit with my wonderful women's foil team-Emily, Doris, and Hanna. We are all very excited to see each other again so soon. I think I've sent them all an email each day since we've been back from Venezuela. Do you have those friends you just HAVE to call up when you just see something funny, or you've just done something stupid, or thought of a great idea, or even heard a cool song? Yeah, that's us, the women's foil team. I'm so grateful that these ladies are in my corner.

Speaking of which I haven't told y'all the story of Mama Bear yet. On one of the rides back to the hotel from the venue in Venezuela, one of the fencers from the USA team noticed the team dynamic and noted how close we all were. He also mentioned our different roles, "Iris is the Mama Bear to the team, Hanna is like the crazy single aunt, and Doris and Emily are the Baby Bears." I love this analogy because it perfectly defines all the roles we take on in the group. I'm definitely flattered to be the Mama Bear and as any good Mama would say, I hope I can show them how much they mean to me.

i'm off to State College to see my girls! I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Venezuela results

Individual result: 11th
Team result: 2nd

Sorry it took me so long to post but I was having trouble posting in Venezuela.

I just got back to Rochester this afternoon, just in time to hand out candy to the kids in my neighborhood. Trick or treat!

Folks, big things are happening to the USA women's foil team. I can't really tell you guys everything at this moment until it's been confirmed but something big is happening. You will have to stay tuned to find out-it may take a week or several weeks depending on the answers we get. This will impact a lot of my life and even my fundraising strategies. I hope you're on the edge of your seat because you should be.

Since I can't talk about the team I have a few things to mention about my individual result at the Pan-American zonal competition. This competition went a lot better than Torino, in that I felt a lot more relaxed and confident. The work I've been doing with the sports psychologist made a big difference and it became clear that mental preparation is just as important as physical preparation. It only took me twenty years of training to figure that out.

Nat and I are planning the next month and a half of training with a focus on the national tournament in Richmond, Virginia on December 9th. There are many things to work on and I can't wait to start.

Venezuela

Hi everyone! I'm in Valencia, Venezuela after two days of travel. I had to spend the night in Miami because I couldn't make the connection to the ONE flight per day to Valencia. The best part of it all was that the team didn't get their bags when they arrived here. Hopefully they will be here tomorrow, otherwise I'm fencing in linen pants and a camisole. Hmmm...fencing did want publicity....

I am looking forward to fencing the first event on Wednesday. The first individual event doesn't really count for anything but can be useful practice especially since these girls are hard to hit. In general the girls in the Pan-American region tend to be fast, small, and kinda squirmy. It's already hard to hit a moving target but when they scrunch up as you try to hit them it makes things a bit harder.

i had a chance to walk around the Valencia a bit today. I saw some graffiti in the city that called Bush a facist. I think the only other place I have seen this much Anti-American sentiment on public display is Cuba. It's a little alarming and I am careful not to speak too loudly or wear anything that screams "I'm from the United States". Anyone seen Hugo Chavez's (Venezuelan leader) speeches about the United States and Bush? How could you miss his speech at the United Nations a few weeks ago? If not, make sure to google it, I think it's a classic.

Updates about the competition as they come in. There are no websites this time that will have detailed info about this tournament so this blog site is your resource. Have a great week!

The F word

I heard the word failure again this weekend and this time it was coming from my sister’s mouth. She has spent the last few weeks as a work horse for her consulting company in order to finish yet another project that makes someone else rich. Amazing how that happens. When I told her that maybe she could get out of her job and pursue another avenue, her instinctive answer was “but I will be a failure if I quite this consulting job”. Isn’t this what life is after all? One big compromise of your life after another to climb up the proverbial ladder?

At this point my sister may be doing a great job but at what cost? Her health, personal life, and general happiness has completely taken a backseat to the demands of her job. When will it be enough?

So she thinks she is a failure. Interesting. Here is a woman with an engineering degree from Stanford and two Olympic teams under her belt. Let’s not mention the various accolades she has acquired along the way for being a superior human being. She is the only woman to ever win the national collegiate title for two different weapons in two years. Unfortunately we are only as good as our last win.

I began to think about what would make her come to those types of conclusions because maybe helping her work through this mess could also help me to understand some of the reasons why I feel the way I feel about my own achievements? Here I am, training for the Olympics and I decide I am a failure if I don’t reach the number one spot after three months of training. This is very fatalistic and destructive thought.

The first answer I thought was, our culture is all about the number one spot. In this instance of “our culture” I am talking about the mixed cultural background that Felicia and I grew up in. My mother had a huge influence on us and we were always being pushed to the limits to be the best in everything we did. This worked really well when we were young because there are all sorts of Chinese school debates, piano recitals, and fencing competitions to compete in. What happens when you get older when the stakes are higher and not everyone receives a blue ribbon in the end? How do you deal with that? And some people wonder why Asian countries have high rates of suicide. It’s not just the small apartments folks.

I once told my mother that I wanted to be a physical therapist because I wanted a way to help others with the knowledge I gained through my own experiences. My vision was to build a high performance center for elite athletes that worked in conjunction with a university to faciliate testing and research. I didn’t even get so far as to explain all this because as soon as I said that I wanted to be a physical therapist she burst out in a hysterical fit of crying and yelling. What my mom wanted and still wants to this day is for me go to law school or business school because that was something she understood as prestigious. Not to mention the fact that she gets bragging rights that ,“Iris go to Columbia law school, she going to be lawyer.” What my Mom doesn’t know is the amount of debt I would be in when I came out of school that would force me to sell my soul to a law firm for several years just to be able break even. Apologies to the lawyers out there but I did interview for a paralegal position in NYC once and one of the lawyer told me to run the other direction. This isn’t to say that I am not still considering going to law school.

In contrast is the tough, know it all, confident, American spirit that stresses that anything is possible. Let’s think of American success stories, Steve Jobs, Warren Buffet, and Bill Gates, yes they all have one thing in common (lots o’ cash) but the thing that links them all together is that they took calculated risks in things that they really enjoyed and success was an afterthought. Can one argue that they were successful to begin with when they decided to take their own path? It takes guts to walk off the treadmill of the corporate rat race to pursue your own ingenuity but that where the soul of the American lives.

Not only do I want this message to reach my sister but I also want this message to reach the children of immigrants that often feel torn between the desires of their parents and their own passions influenced by American culture. In the end I think the reconciliation between the two cultures is in finding peace within yourself in order to determine your own definition of success because at the end of the day you are responsible for your own happiness.

My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.

--Elaine Maxwell

Fearless

I recently went to see Jet Li's latest and final film of his career, Fearless. The movie itself was okay but there was a point in the movie where I felt a connection with the main character played by Jet Li. This connection will serve as a useful way to transition into what I've been thinking about the past few weeks since Torino.

Jet Li's character is based on a famous Chinese martial arts master named Huo Yuanjia. The character undergoes a transition from an arrogant fighter with ruthless will and determination to stay undefeated, to a wise character with a greater perspective for the role of martial arts in understanding life.

At one point in the movie an older and wiser Huo Yuanjia is having tea with his Japanese opponent before they compete against each other. Tanaka, the Japanese martial artist, believes that the goal of a martial artist is to defeat his opponent but Huo impresses Tanaka by successfully arguing that the goal of studying martial arts is for the purpose of self-improvement. Ultimately the goal of competition isn't to win or lose but a path to self discovery.

Okay, okay, I know this is very cheesy in a chinese martial arts movie/confucius/fortune cookie way, but he has a point.

When I got back from Torino I had a lot of negative thoughts in my head that I wasn't accustomed to. I thought about quitting and I thought that I wasn't strong enough to endure the journey. The exact words running through my head were, "I can't do this, I am never going to be good enough, I am never going to make the team, I used to be good and now I'm nothing, and so on and so on." Pretty positive thinking, huh? I would say that I was depressed for about a week after competing. Obviously something was wrong and I couldn't get out of the funk, so I decided I needed help and I called up contacts at the US Olympic Committee for a sports psychologist.

It turns out there is a lot more I have to deal with than just coming back after two years and getting used to the new rules of fencing. I have to grow up.

When I was younger my old coach would use strict methods of control to mold me into a good fencer. He told me what to do, when to do it, what was good, what was bad, and my thoughts were only on making him proud of me. It seems strange putting it on the blog but I think it makes a lot of sense. His opinion was the only opinion that ever mattered and I never had to think for myself.

Fast forward to 2006 and a new coach with a completely different perspective on life and coaching. I would describe her method as absolute freedom. She will never say something is right or wrong, she will never yell, but she will work with me as a partner to get me to my goal. Now I am the ultimate arbiter of my success. The downside now is that I have no one to blame except for myself. Talk about growing pains.

What does this have to do with the movie Fearless? Well, going through all this after Torino taught me a lot about myself-in this case competition was a path to self discovery. I discovered that although my life outside of fencing had matured, my attitude towards fencing hadn't changed. I thought in absolutes meaning, success was first place and that was it. I am a failure if I come in any other place. People won't believe in me unless I win all the time. What a harsh place to exist and I didn't want to be there anymore.

Enter the sports psychologist. One of the most important lessons I have learned from my time with her is that competition, sports, life, is all about the process. Think about it, what if I woke up tomorrow and I was an overnight champion with all the money in the world to do what I wanted in my sport. Yes, that would be great but it wouldn't mean anything because I didn't earn it.

No one becomes a success without work. We spend our lives working our way up and sometimes we get public recognition but most of the time we don't. What we do have is all the knowledge and experience we acquire along the way. I may have lost in Torino but I walked away with an experience and lessons about myself that I will never forget.

Updates

Just a few updates on the (un)glamorous life of an Olympian.

I'm currently spending most of my time getting ready for the Pan-American zonal competition in Valencia, Venezuela. I heard that the competition venue has changed once again and that it's going to be very hot and humid. At least it's not snowing and raining like it is here.

I'm also spending some of my off hours looking for a part-time job for money. Needless to say I'm still struggling with funding and sponsorship. I also need to have something to do besides fencing. Although a lot of my attention is invested in training, it's hard to get up each morning and feel truly energized to go to the fencing gym. No matter what anyone else says, there are some limits to ultimate devotion and sacrifice. It would also be nice to get out and have a job in the "real world" and perhaps meet some non fencing people in Rochester.

Anyways, here's the true story of the week.

I went to the Rochester City School District office on Monday to apply for a substitute teaching position at my old high school, The School of the Arts. Let me just preface this with-I spent a a lot of time trying to carefully and thoughtfully put together an application of employement for the City School District. They needed three letters of recommendation, an official transcript, resume, essay, blood type, my first born, etc.

When I went to the office I met a wonderful lady who lives behind a sliding glass window-it's probably bullet proof glass. I told the woman behind the sliding glass window that I was there to apply for a substitute teaching position. The response was, "No." Hmmm...okay???!!! Why? Well, there aren't enough substitute teaching positions for the already existing overflow of substitute teachers.

Okay, plan B-think fast. Well, can't I just leave my application here because surely at some point, somewhere, there is going to be a need for substitute teachers in the Rochester City School District. Response, "No." Well, okay, hasn't anyone heard of flu season? Cold season? Spinach with Ecoli? Lettuce with Ecoli? I guess not.

Then I asked the kind woman behind the bullet proof glass (who obviously knows no other word besides the word "no") if I could just leave my application. I had, after all, spent a lot of time and effort to put the application together with the THREE letters of recommendation. You can just guess what her response was, but she did add, "I don't even want to take your application and file it because I don't want to give you any ideas that you would ever be hired to fill a position as a substitute teacher. There are no positions available." Well, no arguing with that.

This is the city of Rochester folks. I would also like to add that I applied to be a waitress at a coffee shop and they still haven't gotten back to me (it's been three weeks). It's nice to know that a Stanford degree doesn't amount to a hill of beans in an economically depressed area like this. If you want a job, you can't get a job.

Considering my previous ask to the mayor for a position and my ask to the Rochester City School District for a job, my total score is the following:

The City of Rochester, 2 Iris Zimmermann, 0

No one ever said that training for the Olympics was easy.

Great job Doris!

Just wanted to mention that Doris Willette, a fellow teammate of mine, has just won a junior world cup competition in Bratislava, Slovakia. She went there only a week after getting back from the World Championships in Torino and interestingly enough she beat an Italian fencer to win gold.

I admire Doris' ability to deal with all the stress of going to school and competing at a high level. After Torino, Doris had to take her mid-term exams and prepare for another world level competition in less than a week. She is a super star for being so successful at juggling all of her tasks and responsibilities. It's not easy and I am very proud of her.

Elite athletes choose this life of hard work and more often than not the path to success is incredibly stressful. Doris just started her freshman year at Penn State and hasn't spent too many full weeks at the school which impacts her social life and activities outside of academics and athletics. I remember when I was in High School and even at Stanford, I would miss out on so many things because I was traveling or taking time off to train for something. In the end it is worth it (especially when you win) but while you are going through it all you can see is the struggle and sometimes all you can feel is tired.

She and I spent a lot of time together in Italy because we shared a room. I have said this in the past but it has been great having her as a fellow teammate and sounding board. Whenever I could not find the strength to believe in myself or believe in the team, Doris was always there to be a positive influence and light. No matter what she is always so positive about the future which in itself is a very admirable characteristic.

So, congrats to you Doris! See you in Venezuela in a week.

Next competition

The fun never stops! Just wanted to let everyone know that I have another competition coming up very soon in Valencia, Venezuela, the Pan-American Zonal tournament. There will be two individual competitions and one team event with the first event on the 25th. I am not sure why they are having two individual events especially since the first individual event doesn't count for much. The second individual event and the team event count for overall world ranking points.

The competitors will obviously be from the Pan-American zone. Some of the harder competition will come from the Venezuelan team, Argentina, and Cuba (if they send a team). Right now the United States women's foil team is head to head with the Venezuelan team in qualifying for the Olympic Games although, we are still far off from the qualification competitions. The Venezuelans have had a few successful tournaments and managed to push themselves into the lead in the world cup team point standings. It's important that the USA team beats them on their turf as a way to show them that we are going to take our position as the top team in the region.

I am leaving for Valencia next Sunday and I'll be there for a week. Hopefully I will be better about blogging this time around. Remember that this whole experience of blogging about my competitions is brand new for me. I know, I know, more pictures. I'm working on it.

The thin line between success and failure

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

--Michael Jordan

Failure. Success. Quitting. These are some of the words I have been thinking about since my competition in Torino, Italy. Along with the words-self-worth, confidence, and I must have been crazy to think I could come back after a two year hiatus and make the Olympic team. These thoughts, however dramatic, surface when the outcome of a competition isn't quite what one originally expected.

The truth is, the line between success and failure is paper thin. Falling on one side of that line would mean happiness and euphoria along with praise and admiration. If you have the misfortune of falling on the other side then you find yourself in despair and questioning your every thought and conviction. It's amazing how fragile this line is and in part this is what makes competition so exciting-because one moment you can be a hero and in the next frame you could be the loser.

I think you can guess by now that things in Torino didn't go that well. It was a hard blow to find out that my expectations were much higher than I was capable of accomplishing at the moment. I had hopes that my years of experience would kick in at all the right moments without regard to the fact that I just started training again four months ago.

Although there are many technical reasons for my failed venture in Torino, there are many mental reasons that I fell apart. During competition I allowed my fears to become my voice. The day before competition I was an absolute mess. I was worried how I would do, I was fearful that people wouldn't have faith in me if I lost, I was worried about every little detail that could go wrong, and in the end the negative voices were louder than the positive. It's amazing how nervousness can turn a strong and sane person into a puddle on the floor.

So what drives us (me) to keep going after such failures? How many times can we pick ourselves back up off the floor? The answer is as many times as it takes to reach your goals because I realize that I have a lot to learn. This competition will only be a huge failure if I don't take from it some lessons to guide my practice and move on with my head held up high. I think it's time now to walk away from the experience with knowledge in hand to restart, retool, and begin again. Scrap the past and start all over again. Of course I have already spent the requisite time brushing off any ego and pride first-important to remember those characters. (I probably should have left them behind in Italy.)

So, what did I learn?

As much it pains me to admit, I am not the same Iris Zimmermann. My experiences as a young phenom have helped me to win but have not taught me how to deal with loss and starting at the bottom. Even when I was injured I never really started at the bottom. Not only am I starting over again but I am also finding a new identity in a world that I once knew like the back of my hand. People may remember my name but it isn't me out there on the fencing strip. This isn't to say that this new version, Iris Zimmermann 2.0 let's say, won't be better but in a way I am admitting that I am starting over from this point on with an open mind and wide eyes. It's time to put the scaffolding up and start over.

So, here I am. Humbly starting from scratch. This my friends, is the bottom, I'm waving to you from a very humble beginning.
I have two weeks before the Pan-American zonal competition to get my act together and drive on with the mission but even then it will be another small step towards the ultimate goal of Beijing.

I want to close with some lines from one of my fellow teammates, Emily Cross (she goes to Harvard so whatever she says has to be incredibly smart and insightful). The women's foil team also didn't perform so brilliantly as a whole in Torino but we hold up hope that in two years we will be in Beijing together. So, the brilliant Emily said the following.

"It is way better to work your way up than to be number one and have to stay there. Who wants to start off on top? It is much more satisfying to be the lovable underdogs who come from behind and win. There's a reason no one makes sports movies about the Yankees."

Well said, Em. Go Lovable Underdogs!

I'm back!

Hi everyone. I just got back from Italy late Sunday night. I have a ton of things I need to get done today so this is going to be a short note to say hi and that I am alive. I know everyone missed all of my posts for the last week and a half. ;)

I have a lot to say about World Championships and I am working on that blog post right now.

Enjoy your Columbus Day!

P.S. Just as a side note. Weather in Rochester, NY is crazy-it's 75 degrees today but on Friday we are expecting to receive our first snow shower at 45 degrees. How do we go from Monday at 75 to Friday at 45 degrees with snow? Thus is living in Rochester.

Lighting the match

"I am building a fire, and everyday I train, I add more fuel. At just the right moment, I light the match." --Mia Hamm

I can't tell you how true this statement is for every successful athlete. But (there is always a but) sometimes the match doesn't light. Meaning, the most difficult part of being an athlete is being in the zone at precisely the right moment. I think athletes train, visualize, meditate, do yoga, workout, and do a number of other things to try and get in the zone for competition but deep down each athlete knows it could be a hit or miss day. The matches could light the whole place on fire or they could not light at all.

First, what does being in the zone mean for an athlete? It means that while we are in competition, at least for fencing, doing all the right actions and hitting on every one of them. For the general athlete population it is when body and mind are functioning as one complete mechanism. For people in business realm it means that everything is coming together and flowing almost as if on it's own accord.

When I think of the times that I have truly been "in the zone" I felt like I was having an out of body experience or that I wasn't really fencing on that strip-someone else, my body double perhaps, was out there fencing for me. It's pretty incredible when you reach that point because time seems to slow down and everything around you happens in slow motion. Even the cheering in the background grows distant, all that is left is you, your foil, and the opponent in front of you. The opponent also changes too, targets open up and everything you do just seems to hit. There is also a level of confidence that develops too. In my mind it's the thought, "no matter how many touches this woman gets, I will get to 15 touches before she does." Being in the zone is almost like reaching a sense of calm where all worries and doubt fade away as you concentrate on the task at hand.

Now-how does one light that fire? Well, that's the question. Through more experiences and a sense of familiarity at competitions, the more a routine develops that could help an athlete along to that point of reaching the zone. However, there are so many ex-factors in competitions that throw even the greatest competitors off. The referee could be tired and making bad calls, the tournament can be delayed, the surrounding is unfamiliar, or you haven't gotten enough sleep the night before, etc. Although the athlete tries to control the situations and block them out, it doesn't erase the reality that things are slightly off. Sometimes athletes will not reach that zone. In my mind that's what makes competition so exciting for both the athlete and spectator because the anticipation is the killer. You never know who is going to win. You never know who is going to reach their peak and have all their stars align at the right moment.

The bottom line-as much as you train and prepare for the competition, there is always another factor that comes into play when you are out there. Luck. So, thank you to everyone who has wished me luck for this competition. Although all the preparation is in place we all need a little luck on our side in order to light the fire.

See you guys in Italia!

Flag on the play

There are a lot of sports that rely on referees and subjective judging. Think about figure skating or gymnastics. You wouldn't think that a sport that started off with dueling where the victor lived and the loser well, you know the rest, would rely so heavily on referees.

But fencing, more specifically the disciplines of sabre and foil, rely on judges to make the call as to which fencer had priority and is awarded a point. This is called "right of way".


WARNING: Long explanation ahead. For those of you who don't want to know all this technical stuff about fencing just move on.

Rules of Right of Way as explained by the US Fencing Association

Right of Way is a theory of armed combat that determines who receives a point when the fencers have both landed hits during the same action. The most basic, and important, precept of right of way is that the fencer who started to attack first will receive the point if they hit valid target. Naturally, fencer who is being attacked must defend themselves with a parry, or somehow cause their opponent to miss in order to take over right of way and score a point. Furthermore, a fencer who hesitates for too long while advancing on their opponent gives up right-of-way to their opponent. A touch scored against an opponent who hesitated to long is called an attack in preparation or a stop-hit, depending on the circumstances.

Additionally, the referee may determine that the two fencers truly attacked each other simultaneously. This simultaneous attack is a kind of tie - no points are awarded, and the fencers are ordered back en garde by the referee to continue fencing.

Please click HERE for more information on rules and more explanations on the sport of fencing.
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Basically, the referee in the sport has a lot of power to determine whether or not you win, so it is really important to make sure you have a referee that abides by the rules. Let's just get real here-sport is not immune to bribery, bias, and politics. Come on, we all know this.

Thus-the international fencing federation has decided to implement the following at the World Championships this year.


1) VIDEO REPLAY

This will allegedly take place from the table of 32 on in the individual events, and from the table of 8 in the team events.
(Supposedly after halt due to a light, the ref will review the last three seconds of action and then make the call.)



2) CHALLENGES (this is like football when the ref has to review the call)

Same as above, top 32 and top 8.

A fencer will have up to 3 challenges per Direct Elimination bout. In the team, a fencer will get one challenge per bout.

***The challenge will be reviewed by the ref and the Head Referee

***If the challenge is successful, the fencer maintains the amount of challenges he/she started with.

***If the challenge is unsuccessful, the fencer receives a warning. Another warning would result in a touch against the fencer.



There are a few comments here:

1. As a fencer I find this totally distracting but I am not going to worry about it. I have decided that if there is a problem, I will let my coach handle it. But all in all this prolonges an already long match.

2. There are a lot of times where a bout is 14-14 and the person wins on a bad call by the referee (bouts in direct elimination go to 15 touches). I can't imagine winning, having the call for me, and then a replay of x amount of minutes has just reversed the win. Wow-so when you win you may not really win. This brings me back to Florida...2000...hanging chads...anyone?

3. Postive: The video replay and challenges can act as a deterrent to bad referees, bribed referees, or biased referees but there are a few questions here.
Is every ref going to be on the same page, meaning an attack to one could not look like an attack to another referee? (For someone who doesn't fence, there are a lot of subtleties in the game at this level) And, how can I trust that the head referee isn't going to be biased? Is this just a waste of time?

Ultimately all changes in fencing occur as an effort to increase viewership of the sport and in turn marketability. Fencing federations are driving themselves (and the fencers) crazy by trying to change the way the game is played just to make it appealing to the viewer.

There was a stint with a clear mask but the Plexiglas was determined to be too unsafe. My sister, an engineer, had some of her friends test the durability and the safety of the mask when the mask first came out. Her friends just laughed and said-I can't believe you would wear this while someone is jabbing a weapon at your face. It's a good thing the FIE did all this useful testing AFTER all fencers were required to wear the mask during competition. Once again, the athlete is compromised in the name of commercialism. Let me not get into it.

In the end I think the video replay is going to be distracting and I think it will be distracting for the viewer.

The question to the audience is-what do you think about video replay in fencing? Is there ever going to be a way way to change the sport of fencing to make it more marketable? And at what point will enough be well, enough? Where do we draw the line between compromise and selling out our sport?

How to get info on World Championships

World Championships in Turin, Italy, starts in eight days. I have posted a couple of links in the right hand column of the blog that will help you find results as they come in. I think the most helpful link to get up to the minute results will be either the official website for the worlds or the Fencing.net site. The US Fencing website is extremely unreliable on a general basis therefore I would not rely on it for timely information. Don't get me started about how the official US Fencing website was down during the 2004 Olympics, right after a USA fencer won the first ever Olympic gold. Like I said, don't get me started.

Of course I will do what I can with the blog. I may not post for a while starting on Tuesday because I'll be en route to Italy and preparing for the competition.

Just an FYI for any of you interested. I have posted my week's schedule so you know what's up in Iris World for the time I am away:

Tuesday 2pm EST-leave for Italy
Wednesday 11am (European Time Zone)- arrive in Italy, take the day off and enjoy a nice bowl of Italian pasta :)
Thursday - Morning/early afternoon training with my coach and light practice with my team
Friday- rest day. I plan to take the day off completely, away from the fencing gym, and stroll along the River Po. It's not all fun and games..I am just trying to keep myself occupied so I don't think about how nervous I really am.
Saturday- Individual event Day 1 Rounds
Sunday-Individual event Day 2-Direct Elimination Table from 64 fencers
Monday-Wednesday-watch video tapes and practice before team event
Thursday-Team event


I am really excited to have the opportunity to stay in the Winter Olympic Village in Turin. The rumor is that we get bikes to ride around the village. I forsee disaster. I will be one of THOSE bikers with elbow, knee, shin, shoulder, full body pads and a big helmet. Perhaps I should just stay away from the bikes.

It also turns out that my ex-boyfriend is competing the same days as I am. May I mention that he was my boyfriend of almost four years and we were dating while I trained for the last Olympic Games. My, how times have changed.

I will post over the weekend because I have a few things to discuss before I leave. I just wanted to make sure everyone had the 411 on World Championships

Next blog...video replay is now making it's way into fencing. REF! Flag on the riposte? More on that soon.

Countdown...one week until lift off

The latest national/international camp at the Rochester Fencing Club finished this past Sunday. Like the Rochester airport, I am allowed to call this an international camp because there were Canadians here. Then you ask-Iris, if the camp ended on Sunday why haven't you blogged in a few days? The answer is-I feel like I haven't had a moment's rest in the past two weeks. I'm not complaining-I rather be doing this than sitting in an office cubicle everyday.

For this blog post I have a few issues to bring up:

1. The new Sesame Street character "Iris the Scary Fencing Monster".

2. Billie Jean King, take two

3. Countdown to World Championships

Issue One

During the camp I had some of the fencers videotape the women's foil team in order to evaluate strengths and weaknesses of our games. Sometimes watching videotapes can be sort of demoralizing because it shows every painful fault of your game. This time around was no different. Like every top level athlete I am a perfectionist, so I cringed with every drop of the shoulder, a lazy move, or improper judgement of timing and distance. Most of all, I was caught off guard by how scary I looked on the strip.

Yes folks, I am 5'8" and xxx lbs. (a lady never reveals her weight) of scariness. I had no idea. Rather than elegant, I thought I was elephant on the strip. Does the camera add ten pounds or am I just THAT much bigger than the rest of the USA women's foil team?

I panicked and thought to myself that this can't be good. I felt like I was probably exposing too much of my target as I come forward and try to push my opponent into making a mistake. While I take a lot of risks trying to be more aggressive, a lot of the shorter and smaller women are more patient and wait for an opportunity or opening. So what is the right answer for fencing? Is it better to be tall and big or short and small?

There are girls on other teams that are tall and athletic like myself, Russians, Chinese, and Germans (interestingly enough I am a combo of German and Chinese). The Chinese and Russian teams used to seek out the tallest girls to fence because the length was more of an advantage. The Japanese, Italian, and Romanian teams have shorter women who move very quickly and effectively.

Analysis for short women: they tend to move faster and have less target area.
Analysis for tall women: have more length and are more often stronger than their shorter opponents.

The real answer is that fencing is a neat sport because you can be any body type and fence according to your own physical and emotional strengths. The sport itself is pretty accomodating to everyone's abilities.

In the end I guess it's a good thing if I scare my opponents. Just as long as I score more touches than they do. It might not be all that pretty but I get my point across (all puns intended).

Issue Two

There have been several comments about the Billie Jean King blog. Darius, a fencer at the RFC, actually wrote a long comment with some questions. My answer to him is that women and men should not compete against each other but rather recognize that women and men play sports differently. Therefore, it's time to compare women to women rather than the traditional, "she plays like a man so of course she's good" .

Issue Three

I leave for Torino, Italy, the site of the 2006 Fencing World Championships, next Tuesday. I compete on September 30th, October 1st, and again on the 5th. Things are getting sort of hectic in Rochester and I'm getting those pre-competition jitters. Self-doubt has a great way of getting louder as you get closer to the moment of performance.

Goethe quote

Please pay special attention to the "Quote of the Day" attributed to German philosopher, Johann Wolfgang Goethe. This is the quote that my coach, Nat Goodhartz, said to me back at the beginning of June when I finally decided I wanted to train for Beijing. And I can't tell you how right she and Goethe have been.

Sometimes we allow real and created boundaries to keep us from doing the things we are most passionate about in our lives. If you truly feel you are drawn to doing this one thing don't be afraid to take that risk because once you make the commitment you will be surprised how things start to fall into place.

The quote:

The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.
All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise
occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising
in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and
material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come
his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has
genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now."
— Attributed to Goethe

Camp, camp, and more camp

The women's foil team is having our last national camp before worlds from Friday to Sunday. This camp is going to be like none of the others with ALL members of the four person women's foil team together at last. One of the team members, Emily Cross, has been wearing a boot for the last month in order to heal some fractured bones in her foot so she has been unable to attend the other camps. It's a great opportunity for us to practice fencing as a team.

I am not sure if everyone reading this blog is aware that the sport of fencing has both an individual and team component to it. There is an individual event that lasts two days and a team event that usually takes place a few days after the individual event. There are three members of the team that fence and one alternate that is put in as needed. For example, the alternate would be put in when someone is injured or does better with a certain country or competitor. The three members of the USA team fence the three members of the other team in a 45 touch relay with timed intervals of three minutes.

In addition to the women at camp we have several top level men coming to fence with us from around the US and Canada. It's going to be tough because men tend to be much more mobile and agressive on the fencing strip. Remember, women are no better or worse, we just fence and play sports differently. Please refer to my last blog post for explanation.

This should be a great opportunity to get prepared for the upcoming World Championships. I am really excited to see everyone and fence some difficult bouts before heading off to Torino. This is it folks, we are coming down to the wire.

Thank you, Billie Jean King

Last night at practice I fenced one of the many seventeen year-old boys at the fencing club and managed to beat him pretty solidly. He was not happy and it definitely showed. Our coach had to pull him aside and speak to him about the match and general sportsmanship. During their conversation he told her, since he beat me once, he should be able to beat me from then on. Interesting.

I've thought a lot about the situation because I couldn't understand why he would be so upset? Afterall, I have twenty years of practice, fifteen years of competitive experience, world championship titles, olympian, etc. And this boy, although he's tall, athletic, and young, still doesn't have enough skill to beat me on a consistent basis. I just couldn't understand his frustration and why he would be so upset that I was beating him.

Then I thought about my time in Russia and fencing in Moscow with some of the top guys at the army club. To be honest, I couldn't beat a lot of them if I really tried because they over powered me all over the strip, but some of the younger guys I did beat. BUT-most of them wouldn't fence me unless their coach told them too and got angry with them if they would refuse to fence me. I thought about that too. Am I a bad fencer, awkward, annoying, a bad sport? Not really.

Then I thought about my friend Nicole that plays professional women's basketball. I know men watch everything and anything that says ESPN on it so why was the viewership of the WNBA finals so low? Why do men make a face and shrug when I even ask them if they are going to watch the WNBA finals?

Is it the same reason as one man I met the other week who said that he only watches tennis when Maria Sharapova plays? He said that it was too much to watch Serena Williams and she shouldn't even be wearing those tennis outfits because she's too muscular. I wonder if he even knows who Billie Jean King
is?

So, what does this add up to?

Some of you may have already guessed at the point I'm driving at with my first example or with the title of this blog, but I wanted to make sure that I get my point across.

Whether or not you are beating men in sports or playing sports that were traditionally dominated by men because women weren't ALLOWED to play, there is an obvious double standard. Yeah women can play sports but they have to look cute while doing it..and oh yeah, they shouldn't be able to beat men. I mean isn't it just genetics?

Hold on, I'm just getting on this soapbox because this chip on my shoulder is a big one. I just need a little help from the founder of the women's sports foundation and pioneer for women in sport.


Billie Jean King then and now.



“It is very hard to be a female leader. While it is assumed that any man, no matter how tough, has a soft side . . . any female leader is assumed to be one-dimensional.”
--Billie Jean King


Preach on, sister!


I know some people will read this and think that I've just gone off the deep end but I want this issue to be discussed and more importantly, addressed.

So listen up!

1.Women can do everything that men can do. We just do it differently. There is more than one way to play a sport.

2.Respect us if we play a sport well and don't just say it's because we played it like a man did. Billie Jean King beat Bobbie Riggs on Sept. 20, 1973 playing like a woman.

3.We sweat, get over it!

4.Athletic women are allowed to be any sexuality. AND WHY DOES IT MATTER ANYWAYS? Last time I checked sports were about competition and not romantic relationships. Why aren't men questioned about the hugs they give each other when they are on the football field?

5.A woman is still a woman even if she has muscles. She is allowed to be strong and feminine at the same time. I can't tell you how many times someone told me I was too big because I was muscular. A lot of women athletes fear being too muscular because they don't want to be seen as masculine, butch, or ugly. Women come in all different shapes and sizes. P.S. Men don't look all too great while they are playing sports either, but because we as a society believe that sweaty men=manly=hot then we believe that sweaty men are good looking. No, they're just stinky.

6.Don't be afraid that she can outrun you, out fence you, out play you because it is going to happen. GET OVER IT!


We should not allow gender to be a standard for sports, jobs, or life. If someone made a derogatory statement about someone's race then people are upset but people accept comments that men's basketball is more interesting-this means that we have truly missed the point and settled for disrespect. A different way to play the game does not equal less interesting.

The boy at the club didn't want to admit that he lost to a woman. I know if he lost to a male of my national ranking he would be upset but not to the extent he was when he fenced me. Aretha Franklin said it best, R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

At this year's US Open, the US Tennis Assocation officially renamed the National Tennis Center in Flushing, N.Y. after legendary tennis player Billie Jean King. Rather than honor her as the woman that beat a male pro tennis player, or as a decorated tennis player, or even as a visionary and pioneer for female athletes. I would like to honor her for being a woman who could hit the crap out of that tennis ball. Thanks, Billie Jean.

Back from Penn State

Hey everyone! I'm back from Penn State. I had a great time training with my friends and wish I could have stayed longer. I'm currently getting ready for another week of training and our last national camp before world championships.

Friday to Sunday will be the final camp before Worlds. This camp is going to be amazing with a bunch of top fencers from the states and Canada.I can't believe I'm leaving for Torino, Italy in a little over two weeks-anyone else nervous?

On the fundraising front. I'm not really making a ton of progress but I think with a little more patience things will start to happen. I have to spend this week putting together a portfolio for possible donors and sponsors. I hope raising money for myself will count towards something when I apply for business school in a few years. One can only dream.

Hope everyone is doing well! :)

Happy Valley

I'm going to Penn State tomorrow morning to practice with some of the Penn State team members. With the new school year starting and many of the Rochester Fencing Club members back at college, I don't have a ton of partners to practice with in Rochester. Much like boxing it's important to have sparring partners in order to practice and perfect technique.

One of the freshman at Penn State, Doris Willette, is on the world championship team this year. While I have been away from the sport, Doris has sky rocketed herself to the top of the national rankings. In Doris' early days of fencing she used to look up to me as I was one of the top women's foilists at the time. Now it is I who look up to her for encouragement and advice.

The changing of the guards between Doris and I, so to speak, made me think of how athletes evolve in their sport and the finite period of time in which an athlete has to be the best. Because the simple fact is, one minute you are the young phenom at the top of the world rankings, and the next minute you are bested by a person that grew up watching your every move. Look at Andre Agassi as a prime example. This past week Agassi ended his career at the US Open after playing opponents that were equal in age to the number of years Agassi had been playing tennis. Despite all that he still finished at the top of his game after with a crowd full of fans and a standing ovation.

Not that I think I am anywhere near the fame of Andre Agassi, but I would say that his example rings very true to what I've experienced coming back to the sport. I have been fencing nearly twenty years and Doris has been alive for only eighteen years. I am the oldest team member on the world team and the only one with Olympic experience. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I was a rising star because at that moment I never thought that the medals and accolades would ever stop. The bottom line? Make the most of this moment because it will never again be this day, this hour, this minute, or this second.

A thank you is in order for Doris because she has been a huge support in my comeback to fencing. It's not often you find a teammate that is willing to put aside competitive drive to compliment you as well as provide thoughtful and constructive criticism for the purpose of improvement.

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As a side note-the Sacramento Monarchs are now tied in the finals of the WNBA championships with the Detroit Shock. The next game is on Saturday at 3:30pm EST on ESPN 2.

Also, an interesting tid bit. I had a meeting today with someone that is helping me with my fundraising efforts. At some point in the conversation she asked me how I wanted potential sponsors to portray me if they were to use my image for marketing purposes. I.E. Sharipova-her catch is that she's beautiful and wears dangly earrings. Serena Williams-her thing is that she's a very strong athlete from the hood. While I struggled to come up with an adjective to effectively describe what I wanted people to see in me-she wrote the word "INTENSE" down. I'm not sure how many products I can sell with my intensity but at least I know how I'm perceived. Am I that intense? Don't answer that.

Dust

I helped to start a remodeling effort at the Rochester Fencing Club a few weeks ago. Over the years the fencing club had turned into something like Grandma's old knick-knack closet with a community of dust bunnies and their offspring living in a growing metropolis of dust. Yes, it was that bad. The RFC has definitely gone through a face lift in the last few weeks and we've added a few things like a cafe, reception desk, and some new furniture.

I must of been crazy or hopped up on episodes of Extreme Makeover to want to begin this type of project. At least on Extreme Makeover they have people who know how to use power tools, know how to decorate, have sponsors like Home Depot, etc. Until now, I had me, myself, and I.

My cleaning efforts have sort of sparked a revolution of sorts at the Rochester Fencing Club. A few parents are getting involved by re-upholstering the couches, donating a table for a cafe/reception area, another mother is painting quotes and logos on the wall, etc. Everyone is taking this pretty seriously and this project has turned itself into Extreme Makeover "the budget version".

The lesson in all of this is people are willing to help out if you just give them a reason and some good solid encouragement. Everyone wanted to see changes made in the club but they didn't know whom to go to or what needed to be done exactly. Someone needed to be a central force in gathering people and telling them what needed to be done. If nothing else, I am excellent at telling people what to do. Some may call it "bossy" but I call it "effective teamwork coersion".

The question is why would I take on this project?

The surface answer that I give is, I wanted to change the club into something all the members could be proud of. This is really important since we are having so many national team camps in Rochester. Not to mention, I think it's a good thing for the members to feel invested in and inspired by this small sports community.

My real answer? Sometimes the past doesn't allow us to move on with the future.

A short history lesson.

The Rochester Fencing Club, as it is called now, used to be the Rochester Fencing Centre up until Buckie (my old coach) left. Twenty-five years ago Buckie built the fencing club in Rochester, first in downtown Rochester and fifteen years ago at the current location. When I say built, I mean built with his two hands. The lockers, the cabinets, the desks, the design of the entire place is his. Quite literally his thumbprint is everywhere in that club.

Soon after I went to college Buckie left Rochester, leaving a trail of burned bridges in his path. He was the centralizing force for the program and everyone thought that the RFC would be toast in his absence. I admit I probably thought that too since I followed Buckie to NYC to train for the 2004 Games.

Now he works in NYC in the shadow of what he once created here in Rochester. At one point in 1996 he coached about ten of the top-12 women in the states and Rochester was a world-reknowned training facility. But he isn't the man I remember him to be at Rochester Fencing Centre-the driven and crazy visionary who would stop at nothing to make champions.

You have to understand that this man was like a father to me. I spent more time with him on the road and in the fencing club than I did with my parents. I don't want to go into too much detail on this forum about what kind of coach he was because I think it's too personal.

The short of it is, he was a brutal coach at times, very controlling, and almost stifling. His approval permeated every aspect of my life. His every word was taken as absolute truth because he made us into champions whether we liked it or not. I learned hard work through him but with a lot of pain in return.

At this moment it's still very strange to be fencing without him-I don't even ask him for advice anymore. The most surreal experience happened at Nationals this year when he coached one of his younger students against me. He did it so loudly that I was too distracted to fence and ended up not scoring more than one touch on this girl.

I heard he uses me as an example to his students, "Iris would never cry even when I was yelling and hitting her". Because of that there are some young girls in NYC that look up to me but I would like to tell them my secret. The secret is that I wanted to cry, but I was too angry and afraid.

With everyone's help I'm going to dust off all the corners, cover all the cracks in the walls, give everything a new coat of paint but I do realize now that he is underneath all the layers. I will never be able to erase him from the club or from my life. He was there at the best and worst moments. I will always miss him and he will always be a part of me whether I like it or not.

Swing of the pendulum

When the pendulum swings towards a more positive trajectory we start to see the world in a completely different light. It's funny--I think the sun is even out today after a period of rain and dark clouds. Or maybe I haven't even noticed the weather because I've been carrying around a dark storm cloud over my head for the last week and a half.

I was wrong about that Dr. Slick, and perhaps I should start calling him Dr. Nice Guy because he delivered good news yesterday. After seeing the MRI he confirmed that there is no new tear in my meniscus. Whew! I can finally breathe a sigh of relief.

All this good news was followed by several good things:

1. The Sacramento Monarchs won their first game in the WNBA Finals. Next game against the Detroit Shock is on Friday and can be seen on ESPN 2 7:30pm EST.

2. I had a great therapy session followed by a great lesson this morning.

3. It's a month out from the first day of World Championships and I am finally feeling strong and ready.

This is all in stark contrast to yesterday.

When days are good I can silence the negative thoughts but when the days are bad those negative thoughts somehow find their way to a loud speaker. Yesterday I allowed those negative thoughts ("you're not good enough" and "you can't do this" and "you'll never be able to do this") to cripple me and I couldn't continue working. My coach had to stop the lesson half way through because I could no longer execute the simplest actions. Nat then sat me down and took some time to talk me down off of that ledge. I have to remember that some days will be better than others but I can't allow myself to feel like the glass is no longer half full.

Today I asked Nat how she is able to silence the negative thoughts and she said, "I find happiness in the little things like a sunny day, my beautiful home, my relationships, etc. Try reading the front page of the newspaper and then you won't feel so badly about your life." Meaning, even when you put all of your focus into doing something it is key to maintain the proper perspective when the going gets tough because one day--this too shall pass.

If all else fails, cry

In order to find a picture of my doctor, pick up a dictionary and look up the word "slick". I think my jaw dropped a little when he entered the exam room. I was dressed in a sweaty t-shirt and shorts while this tall and handsome surgeon was wearing a well tailored tan summer suit with matching tie and cuff links. The whole look was topped off by his well gelled hairdo that would have made Elvis jealous. I will admit he was good looking enough to throw off my hearts and minds strategy but only at the beginning.

After so many surgeries he knows his stuff but I don't think we connected because like a true surgeon Dr. Slick practically pulled out a scalpel at the mere mention of "meniscus tear". To his credit he did try to offer me some reassuring phrases of, "I know what you are going through and I will do my best to help you". Thanks, Doc.

At the end of the visit he asked me if I was going to be okay and I responded with a short period of silence followed by tears. Oh yes, I cried. I don't think this guy has any children because I think I scared him. It was sorta comforting how he awkwardly tapped me on the shoulder and threw me a box of tissues. At least he tried but I still hold true to my belief that they remove the soul from each orthopaedic surgeon before they take the doctor's oath.

The one good thing that Dr. Hair Gel did was ask about the kind of traits I wanted in a physical therapist. I told him I wanted someone that was humble enough to admit they didn't know a whole lot about the mechanics of fencing, smart enough to learn and apply his skills, and nice enough to invest in a working relationship with a neurotic fencer (AKA: Me). And much to my delight, my physical therapist at the sports therapy clinic is all those things.

My first session with the physical therapist went really well and I feel very positive about his abilities. At some point in the conversation-two hours later-he said something about this rehabilitation being a long-term task and "our" goal was to get me performing at my best. It was nice to know that he was at least thinking about working as a team for the long-term. We spent a lot of time together going over exercises of course but he did spend a great deal of time trying to reassure me that everything was going to be okay.

Dr. Well Groomed hasn't gotten back to me about the MRI results, but from what Chris mentioned he doesn't seem to think it has anything to do with the meniscus. He thinks that a lot of this has to do with the changes I have made in my mechanics in order to compensate for my knee pain/surgeries. I've developed several compensations after three surgeries that are putting stresses in previously healthy areas. I have to spend time strengthening my quads and working to break myself of the bad habits. One of the most obvious compensation I've developed is not keeping my back straight while I lunge so that most of the stress goes to my gluts instead of my quads and knees.

It was good that something happened at the beginning to force me to get a physical therapist so I can prevent any major mishaps down the line. Although I wasn't entirely impressed with Dr. Scalpel Happy, I am glad he had the sense enough to put me with a good physical therapist.

Life has it's ups and downs and hopefully things are on an upward trajectory.

A shout out to my coach for trying to keep me in a happy mental place. She has been kind enough to put up with all my neuroses.

knee update

The short of the visit is that we can't tell anything until the results of the MRI come in. I took the MRI this evening and should have some answers by tomorrow afternoon. I am also seeing a physical therapist tomorrow that could tell me something positive.

I'll have an amusing story about the doctor's visit in tomorrow blog. Let's just say that if all else fails, cry.

WNBA

Big shout out to my fellow female athletes on the Sacramento Monarchs WNBA team. They have made it to the finals and I expect everyone out there to keep watch for the defending World Champs to take the title yet again.

Click here for the finals schedule.

And a new week begins

And you think that Olympians don't have problems with motivation. I know the blog posts have been few and far between but I attribute my lack of posts to the constant worry about my knee and tomorrow's diagnosis.

Yup, I see the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow at the University of Rochester Sports Medicine facility. On a scale of 1-10 on the nervousness scale, I think I'm about a 20. Being the usual nervous and worried person that I am, I have pictured the meeting with the doctor to go a few different ways.

1. Worst case scenario: I meet him, he tells me that fencing isn't a sport (similar to a conversation I had with another surgeon in Rochester), and he tells me I'll never fence again anyway because I have another tear in my cartilidge. At which point I completely fall apart on the spot and never again blog on "citius, altius, fortius".

2. Medium case scenario: Similar to worse except for he prescribes bad rehab for me with some PT that doesn't believe fencing is a sport. Does anyone sense that I have a complex about this? When you've been told enough times that fencing is elegant like a dance or not worth sponsoring, you kinda start to believe them. Although my name is Iris, there is nothing delicate about me or my fencing.

3. Best case scenario: The doctor is amazing (not like any surgeon I have known before-who actually cares about listening to the patient) and decides that he is going to help me with my knee pain. Then he marches me over to a cabinet full of amazing knee braces and hands me one. At which point they award me the world championship medal because there is no one around who can fight the power of the knee brace.

Reality, I suspect, is nestled somewhere far from my own neurotic predictions.

I have a plan. I'm going to do what I call the "hearts and minds" strategy. I will explain my situation with all honesty to persuade him into believing that I'm not just another athlete with bad knees. And I'm not some weekend warrior who does fencing for fun because it's a cool recreational sport. No, I am a 25 year old woman who has put her life on hold so she can stand on a podium two years from now with a medal draped around her neck. I need a doctor that I trust to seek out all solutions to get me back on that strip because it isn't just my knee-it's my dream, it's my future, it's everything I have put on the line for this. Have I lost perspective yet? Perhaps, but it's all part and parcel of the hearts and minds strategy.

I am going into the doctor's office alone. I half jokingly asked my mother to be in the room with me so I have someone's shoulder to cry on if need be. I don't know what I'm going to do if the scenario is more number one than number three. I seriously doubt that this will mean the end because I will find a way to work around it, but I know that I have already been mentally set back. Take a step forward and then take two steps back. I wish I wasn't alone in that waiting room.

On a much brighter note one of the junior fencers has informed me that the September issue of Elle magazine has an article about the sport of fencing. Anna Kournikova "writes" a column every month about different ways for hot and hip women to stay in shape. Anna's quote after trying the sport?

"A woman who knows how to use a sword is really sexy".

Amen.

Kryptonite

I don't know how many of you have watched the movie Superman, new or old version, but most of you have to know the one thing that robs Superman of his super powers. His amazing strength, laser vision, and his speed can all be nuetralized by a substance called kryptonite.

If you asked me a week ago how I felt about the progress of my fencing I would have said I felt like Superman. But if you ask me about my fencing today, after the first day of the national women's foil camp, I would tell you I feel like Superman on kryptonite.

During my lesson yesterday I felt one little tweak in my knee and I immediately shut down all systems. I am very sensitive to things that go on with my knees especially having gone through three different knee surgeries, two on the left in 1998 and one on the right in 2005. At this point I can't tell between a harmless click in my knee from something more serious because I completely go numb emotionally and mentally when I feel any knee pain. I can't focus on anything else which makes things even worse. I believe the word FREAKOUT can be used in this situation.

The fact is, whenever I start to feel great about my physical health something goes wrong with these knees. There is a chance that this knee pain is just some scar tissue prying itself loose with all the activity or it could be something more serious. I'm thinking Floyd Landis with no hip joint serious.

I've made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor here in Rochester. He happens to work out of the same place as the doctor that did my knee surgeries in 1998. This other doctor and I don't really get along. Let's just say that he thought fencing wasn't a sport but I was too young to realize what a "second opinion" meant. On top of all that my coach was putting a lot of pressure on me to get things fixed as soon as possible (he's a little insane). Admittedly, the fault is ultimately my own.

The kicker about today is that I didn't get to fence with the campers. I feel like I helped to bring everyone together and yet I'm not part of it. I tried my best to remain upbeat and to offer some strip side advice, but my friends at the camp knew that I wasn't myself. I was Superman on kryptonite.

My coach said the following, "Things are going so well that I refuse to believe that there is anything seriously wrong with your knee." I have that same line going through my head. The fighter in me wants to push past this because I truly believe there are great accomplishments ahead and Beijing is still on the horizon-I can see it, damn it, I can SEE it. The flag, the anthem, my teammates, and me on that stage.

In the last thirty minutes of the movie Superman always breaks free and saves the town. Why? Because he believes that he can, the audience believes that he can, and this was what he was meant to do. Ultimately kryptonite is never strong enough to bring him down. The question for me is, how much do I want this and how hard am I willing to fight? The answer-it will take more than pain to stop me.

Camp-a-palooza TAKE TWO

The women's foil team is going to start a three day camp tomorrow. I have been busy trying to physically and mentally prepare for this camp so I've been somewhat unfocused on the blog. Sorry about that.

I'm a little worried about this camp for a few reasons. First, my knees have been hurting more consistently lately, so I am not sure if I am going to be able to go all out for the three days. Second, it almost feels too soon after the last camp to have another one and I think motivation levels will be a lot different. That being said, I do have confidence in our ability to get really competitive once we put all our fencing stuff on. I guess when someone tries to poke you with a steel pointy object you are apt to poke them back.

When I talk about being mentally prepared, I'm not talking about it in the sport sense of the word this time. I've been extremely stressed lately about trying to figure out how I am going to pay for everything while being unemployed. I estimated that it will probably cost me about $65,000 to fence for the next two years. Bills and collection agencies still come after you even when you aren't making money-surprise, surprise.

I had a meeting about a week ago with an influential figure in Rochester that is very familiar with raising money. She promised to help me connect to people that would be interested in donating money towards my endeavor. After our breafkast meeting I was extremely excited because if anyone was going to be able to help me raise money it would be her.

Then there's the reality of it all. There are many people out there that have made promises to me about money or sponsorship and only about ten percent of those who promise will come through. I wonder if this woman is going to be part of that ten percent or am I going to have to find a job? Finding a job would make it hard for me to train and travel.

My mother always tells me this one Buddhist saying at least once a week-"when you sleep you sleep, when you eat you eat, when you do something be in the moment and focus on nothing else." She's right but I don't tell her she's right because she's my mom and children never admit defeat. But, she's right. Every workout and practice is intense at this level that I have to be prepared by being rested, full of energy, and mentally focused. Working would only decrease the amount of energy I have for my training.

If I just fenced it would help me to even the playing field with all the Europeans that receive a pay check from their country to fence. The French are "postal workers", the Italians are "police officers", and the Russians are just paid directly without any false connections. Let's not get into the Chinese, I am sure they are building up some major incentives for their athletes to win a medal in the Beijing Olympics.

Many Americans drop out of fencing after college because they can't come up with the funds to fence. It's easier to get a job and move on with your life than try and bang your head against the wall everytime a bill comes in. Meanwhile on the world stage, senior fencers start to hit their stride when they are in their mid to late twenties. The top three women in the world are either 30 or about 30 years old. Americans are great fencers when they are about 17 and then they have a tendency to drop off the face of the Earth. The U.S. Fencing Association (USFA) has been unable to come up with ways to retain a lot of their best fencers as they age into senior level fencing. I'm a rare commodity-I hope they don't lose me.

Problem is still unsolved but it's still off to practice for me. Many things need to be done today-picking up the campers from the airport, making sure the fencing club is clean, and lots of rest before the three day camp.

Delay

Sorry for the delay on the posts. I have actually been working out quite a lot in addition to remodeling the fencing gym. For some reason I decided I don't spend enough time at the fencing club, so I am now at the club afterhours and weekends in order to clean and remodel it. Lots of dust bunnies and trophies from the 1980's.

I have a blog post coming soon. :)