The thin line between success and failure

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

--Michael Jordan

Failure. Success. Quitting. These are some of the words I have been thinking about since my competition in Torino, Italy. Along with the words-self-worth, confidence, and I must have been crazy to think I could come back after a two year hiatus and make the Olympic team. These thoughts, however dramatic, surface when the outcome of a competition isn't quite what one originally expected.

The truth is, the line between success and failure is paper thin. Falling on one side of that line would mean happiness and euphoria along with praise and admiration. If you have the misfortune of falling on the other side then you find yourself in despair and questioning your every thought and conviction. It's amazing how fragile this line is and in part this is what makes competition so exciting-because one moment you can be a hero and in the next frame you could be the loser.

I think you can guess by now that things in Torino didn't go that well. It was a hard blow to find out that my expectations were much higher than I was capable of accomplishing at the moment. I had hopes that my years of experience would kick in at all the right moments without regard to the fact that I just started training again four months ago.

Although there are many technical reasons for my failed venture in Torino, there are many mental reasons that I fell apart. During competition I allowed my fears to become my voice. The day before competition I was an absolute mess. I was worried how I would do, I was fearful that people wouldn't have faith in me if I lost, I was worried about every little detail that could go wrong, and in the end the negative voices were louder than the positive. It's amazing how nervousness can turn a strong and sane person into a puddle on the floor.

So what drives us (me) to keep going after such failures? How many times can we pick ourselves back up off the floor? The answer is as many times as it takes to reach your goals because I realize that I have a lot to learn. This competition will only be a huge failure if I don't take from it some lessons to guide my practice and move on with my head held up high. I think it's time now to walk away from the experience with knowledge in hand to restart, retool, and begin again. Scrap the past and start all over again. Of course I have already spent the requisite time brushing off any ego and pride first-important to remember those characters. (I probably should have left them behind in Italy.)

So, what did I learn?

As much it pains me to admit, I am not the same Iris Zimmermann. My experiences as a young phenom have helped me to win but have not taught me how to deal with loss and starting at the bottom. Even when I was injured I never really started at the bottom. Not only am I starting over again but I am also finding a new identity in a world that I once knew like the back of my hand. People may remember my name but it isn't me out there on the fencing strip. This isn't to say that this new version, Iris Zimmermann 2.0 let's say, won't be better but in a way I am admitting that I am starting over from this point on with an open mind and wide eyes. It's time to put the scaffolding up and start over.

So, here I am. Humbly starting from scratch. This my friends, is the bottom, I'm waving to you from a very humble beginning.
I have two weeks before the Pan-American zonal competition to get my act together and drive on with the mission but even then it will be another small step towards the ultimate goal of Beijing.

I want to close with some lines from one of my fellow teammates, Emily Cross (she goes to Harvard so whatever she says has to be incredibly smart and insightful). The women's foil team also didn't perform so brilliantly as a whole in Torino but we hold up hope that in two years we will be in Beijing together. So, the brilliant Emily said the following.

"It is way better to work your way up than to be number one and have to stay there. Who wants to start off on top? It is much more satisfying to be the lovable underdogs who come from behind and win. There's a reason no one makes sports movies about the Yankees."

Well said, Em. Go Lovable Underdogs!