Fearless

I recently went to see Jet Li's latest and final film of his career, Fearless. The movie itself was okay but there was a point in the movie where I felt a connection with the main character played by Jet Li. This connection will serve as a useful way to transition into what I've been thinking about the past few weeks since Torino.

Jet Li's character is based on a famous Chinese martial arts master named Huo Yuanjia. The character undergoes a transition from an arrogant fighter with ruthless will and determination to stay undefeated, to a wise character with a greater perspective for the role of martial arts in understanding life.

At one point in the movie an older and wiser Huo Yuanjia is having tea with his Japanese opponent before they compete against each other. Tanaka, the Japanese martial artist, believes that the goal of a martial artist is to defeat his opponent but Huo impresses Tanaka by successfully arguing that the goal of studying martial arts is for the purpose of self-improvement. Ultimately the goal of competition isn't to win or lose but a path to self discovery.

Okay, okay, I know this is very cheesy in a chinese martial arts movie/confucius/fortune cookie way, but he has a point.

When I got back from Torino I had a lot of negative thoughts in my head that I wasn't accustomed to. I thought about quitting and I thought that I wasn't strong enough to endure the journey. The exact words running through my head were, "I can't do this, I am never going to be good enough, I am never going to make the team, I used to be good and now I'm nothing, and so on and so on." Pretty positive thinking, huh? I would say that I was depressed for about a week after competing. Obviously something was wrong and I couldn't get out of the funk, so I decided I needed help and I called up contacts at the US Olympic Committee for a sports psychologist.

It turns out there is a lot more I have to deal with than just coming back after two years and getting used to the new rules of fencing. I have to grow up.

When I was younger my old coach would use strict methods of control to mold me into a good fencer. He told me what to do, when to do it, what was good, what was bad, and my thoughts were only on making him proud of me. It seems strange putting it on the blog but I think it makes a lot of sense. His opinion was the only opinion that ever mattered and I never had to think for myself.

Fast forward to 2006 and a new coach with a completely different perspective on life and coaching. I would describe her method as absolute freedom. She will never say something is right or wrong, she will never yell, but she will work with me as a partner to get me to my goal. Now I am the ultimate arbiter of my success. The downside now is that I have no one to blame except for myself. Talk about growing pains.

What does this have to do with the movie Fearless? Well, going through all this after Torino taught me a lot about myself-in this case competition was a path to self discovery. I discovered that although my life outside of fencing had matured, my attitude towards fencing hadn't changed. I thought in absolutes meaning, success was first place and that was it. I am a failure if I come in any other place. People won't believe in me unless I win all the time. What a harsh place to exist and I didn't want to be there anymore.

Enter the sports psychologist. One of the most important lessons I have learned from my time with her is that competition, sports, life, is all about the process. Think about it, what if I woke up tomorrow and I was an overnight champion with all the money in the world to do what I wanted in my sport. Yes, that would be great but it wouldn't mean anything because I didn't earn it.

No one becomes a success without work. We spend our lives working our way up and sometimes we get public recognition but most of the time we don't. What we do have is all the knowledge and experience we acquire along the way. I may have lost in Torino but I walked away with an experience and lessons about myself that I will never forget.