Kryptonite

I don't know how many of you have watched the movie Superman, new or old version, but most of you have to know the one thing that robs Superman of his super powers. His amazing strength, laser vision, and his speed can all be nuetralized by a substance called kryptonite.

If you asked me a week ago how I felt about the progress of my fencing I would have said I felt like Superman. But if you ask me about my fencing today, after the first day of the national women's foil camp, I would tell you I feel like Superman on kryptonite.

During my lesson yesterday I felt one little tweak in my knee and I immediately shut down all systems. I am very sensitive to things that go on with my knees especially having gone through three different knee surgeries, two on the left in 1998 and one on the right in 2005. At this point I can't tell between a harmless click in my knee from something more serious because I completely go numb emotionally and mentally when I feel any knee pain. I can't focus on anything else which makes things even worse. I believe the word FREAKOUT can be used in this situation.

The fact is, whenever I start to feel great about my physical health something goes wrong with these knees. There is a chance that this knee pain is just some scar tissue prying itself loose with all the activity or it could be something more serious. I'm thinking Floyd Landis with no hip joint serious.

I've made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor here in Rochester. He happens to work out of the same place as the doctor that did my knee surgeries in 1998. This other doctor and I don't really get along. Let's just say that he thought fencing wasn't a sport but I was too young to realize what a "second opinion" meant. On top of all that my coach was putting a lot of pressure on me to get things fixed as soon as possible (he's a little insane). Admittedly, the fault is ultimately my own.

The kicker about today is that I didn't get to fence with the campers. I feel like I helped to bring everyone together and yet I'm not part of it. I tried my best to remain upbeat and to offer some strip side advice, but my friends at the camp knew that I wasn't myself. I was Superman on kryptonite.

My coach said the following, "Things are going so well that I refuse to believe that there is anything seriously wrong with your knee." I have that same line going through my head. The fighter in me wants to push past this because I truly believe there are great accomplishments ahead and Beijing is still on the horizon-I can see it, damn it, I can SEE it. The flag, the anthem, my teammates, and me on that stage.

In the last thirty minutes of the movie Superman always breaks free and saves the town. Why? Because he believes that he can, the audience believes that he can, and this was what he was meant to do. Ultimately kryptonite is never strong enough to bring him down. The question for me is, how much do I want this and how hard am I willing to fight? The answer-it will take more than pain to stop me.