home after the holidays

It only took us eight and a half hours to drive back to Rochester from Princeton, NJ (where my relatives live). Usually, it only takes about six to seven hours to make that drive but there was a lot of holiday traffic today that caused all sorts of back ups on the road. Why must we rubber neck when we know it only causes the traffic to move slower?

I'm really glad to be home after ten or so days away. The training in NYC was great but it's nice to be back on my own schedule and routine. Also, my teammate and I have a lot of work to do with our coach, as always.

As for NYC:

While I was in the Big Apple, I met someone from a club in Buffalo that reads my blog from time to time. It was great to meet someone that has become such a fencing enthusiast in a short amount of time. His daughter has also been bitten by the ever contagious fencing bug. The both of them take fencing to such great lengths that they manage to schlep about an hour to take lessons once a week at the Rochester Fencing Club.

Why is this significant? I realized something after my conversation with this fencer. There are some people who read this blog and know some of my hidden comments about my old coach. I forget that there are people out there that know who I am talking about when I say "my old coach" especially since fencing is such a small community.

Another wierd thing also got me thinking about the subject of blogging about my coach. I fenced at his new club in NYC and he and I exchanged awkward hi's and goodbye's with little else in between. After all these years and everything we have been through he doesn't even talk to me-let alone look at me. However, I still haven't given up the old habit of looking at him while I am fencing (to get his approval). I wonder if he knows or if anyone has told him what I have gone through in the past few months. It seems like I have been talking about him to everyone except for him.

The bottom line is that although I want to tell the story of my past and my renewed outlook on the future, I don't want to ruin my old coach's career. He has a reputation and he has new students. I do warn some of the new and older students to watch their steps but I don't want to be a cause of him losing students. I realize I the risk losing his friendship and perhaps damaging his reputation by blogging but I still feel as though I have the right to share my story.

I'm sort of stuck in a rough place. In the fencing world everyone knows who he is and he has many students and many new students that are up and coming. Some of his students read this blog and some of them have asked me point blank questions about him and I have answered them truthfully. However, I don't want to turn his world upside down. I doubt I will do that entirely but it is not my intent.

There were many good things that came out of our relationship and I try to reconcile those good times with some of the harder moments we shared. Whenever I hear some Bob Dylan tune he used to play on long van trips or long car rides in Europe, I think of the fun times and his sense of humor. I definitely miss those times when we were just talking about nothing in particular-if anything, he has a charming demeanor and a great sense of humor outside of fencing.

For me the hardest thing is that we are no longer communicating. That is something that I have to come to terms with as well-someone who was once closer to me than my own parents is now just a part of my memory-even though he is still around and I still see him from time to time. We are no longer the same-neither he nor I are that same person we were when we last worked together three years ago. I am often torn between emotions of sadness of losing my relationship with him and being glad that I am no longer under his thumb.

I just hope that the things that are written here are taken with a grain of salt. I can only talk about the future if I connect it with the past but these thoughts are are colored by my own experiences and no one elses. I can't really talk about his current personality since we no longer communicate. I can only pass on the lessons I have learned in my career and the struggles I go through as I make my way to another Olympic team and beyond.

Anyways-that's my two cents about the issue and I am sure it's not the last I am going to say about it. I was thinking about writing a book after this whole ordeal but it would be hard considering it could hurt someone's career as a coach. Let's just say the decision isn't final.

I hope everyone has a great week!