First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my teammates for anything I said in my last blog about the insurance issue that might have hurt them. It was never my intent to hurt anyone and my words were created from anger which you were in no way responsible for. Nothing means more to me than this team and my teammates and I therefore offer my humblest apologies.
The reality is, as one of my closest teammates puts it, is that we (the fencers) all struggle. We are all together in this as a team of fencers-sacrificing a lot in order to achieve a life's goal or dream. I apologize again for making light of anyone's situation or making it seem my situation was much more dire than another's. In a way, it makes me feel less alone to know that we are all in the same boat together. The truth is that all of us aren't paid athletes and we must raise our own funds and rely on whatever scraps the USOC or the USFA throws our way.
My words in the last post (which I have taken down since) were passionate-written in a moment of absolute disgust at the USOC/USFA. I spent a lot of time this evening trying to go over the reasons why I would feel so angry over receiving a letter from the USOC about denying my "eligibility" for insurance and I came up with the following answers:
1. The form letter made me feel as though I was a non-entity. "Athlete X-you did not meet the criteria, therefore you are no longer worth our time."
2. I was very dissapointed at the USFA's unemotional answer to my situation. It seems that if you are not performing-you aren't worth a damn to the organization. I remember being treated differently when the women's foil team was actually churning out medals-apparently, you are only worth anything when you win.
3. This past year was hard for me and I acknowledge that I didn't perform up to "standards" or "expectations" but I felt that there were things that were almost beyond my control that prevented me from performing at my best. Although I do understand that when money is tight that "right now" is more important than the possiblity of potential but compassion is an asset that cannot be ignored.
All reasons set aside there is still no excuse for a poor reaction on my part. I hope that my teammates accept my apologies for acting so rash. My mind is always on this team and I feel lucky to be considered a part of such an amazing group of women (and men). It is a priviledge to be considered in the same group as the rest of the team. The most important lesson perhaps is that words on a blog are important and one must be careful about what they type. Words can cut deeper than the sword (sorry for the bad pun) but it's the truth in this situation.
I always try to be someone of integrity and truth-in this case, regarding my teammates, I came across in a very different light. I do appreciate my teammates telling me upfront how they felt about the blog and they were candid enough to tell me the truth about their personal situations. I truly appreciate the candor and the fact that you all came to me directly.
As for the USOC-I am still angry but I have come up with my own solutions. Besides finding insurance, I have resolved to take a breath before pressing the "publish post" button. Rational thinking is the way to go, or at least I've heard.
Thank you again to my teammates for their honesty and apologies for anything in my last blog that may have upset you.
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Fencing in many ways reminds me of another sport I used to be involved with - Chess. Aside from the mental agility, chess is another sport that just doesn't pay it's athletes. I was a rated player - but nothing great, a low "C" in fencing terms. I was a member of the Marshall Chess Club in Manhattan and took lessons from a guy who was rated an International Grandmaster. He was in his 40's I think and chess was his life --- and yet chess as a sport could not provide him with even a modest living.
"you are only worth anything when you win"----this seems to just be the way of the world in many respects. Very unfortunately. Think though that there are many people who got just such an insurance letter - people with small kids and other responsibilities.
Re: Blogging
I am reminded of the actress Mary Astor.....I know, who?.....well,in the 1930's she was involved in a big scandal and divorce. The big sensation was that her diary was somehow obtained and reported exerpts were fodder for the press. It was impounded by the court. She wrote a bestselling autobiography years later and she said she learned something from the episode:
" Never commit to paper anything you wouldn't want read in open court."
...a clever quip and a bit paranoid.......but would prevent a lot of possible heartache.
Anyway, all the best to you and the team. I am very envious of your energy, spirit, and the adventure that lies just ahead for you. Really.
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