The art of being Chinese

A reporter from USA Today asked me whether or not I suffered from some sort of schizophrenia because I'm American with a Chinese/German background. I told him in a very diplomatic way that I felt American first and foremost and have a lot of pride in both of my heritages. However, my mother's push for me to understand the Chinese culture probably caused me to feel more Chinese than German growing up. Not to mention the fact that when most Americans look at me they see someone who is of an asian persuasion.

I actually thought about this question a lot as I wandered around China. When I am out amongst the Chinese I am most definitley a foreigner-an American. Some of the Chinese people don't think I look at all Chinese but I think that's mostly because I dress and act like an American/westerner. But the truth is I feel more at home here with my look than in the United States.

Growing up in Rochester, NY as a half-asian half-German mixed kid was not easy. At least in SF and NYC people see mixed race kids all the time. In elementary school days the popular thing was to taunt the Asian kid (that was me most of the time) with, "Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these." Pretty clever but still made me upset all the same. I just didn't see how I was any different from the rest of the American kids-at least before they started separating me by race.

High school was a bit different in that I was never around and traveling to multiple international tournaments during the year. I was just known as the "fencer girl" so race wasn't as big an issue as my athletic career.

College was an interesting one. I never felt a bigger pull towards being Asian than I did in college. I think there is a tendency to really try and identify yourself within groups and I was the asian girl in my group of four friends at Stanford. I always seemed to pair up and make friends with minorities at Stanford. You want to stand out someway. I wasn't into the Chinese community because I never really felt like I embraced all of the culture-I was a halfy and they had their own group anyways, the happas.

Coming here to Beijing was another step in my self-identification. I definitely don't feel Chinese since my language skills leaves a lot to be desired but I was chosen to be on the Beijing Goodwill Tour because of my asian looks/background. Also answering questions to the Chinese press I felt a greater sense of pride for my Chinese brothers and sisters-they are in the midst of building the greatest Olympics of my time.

I feel more Chinese now than I ever did. After visiting Beijing I want to go home and ask my Mom to speak Chinese to me on a daily basis. I doubt that I will keep it up but it's worth the thought at least.

The best thing about being Chinese (or even half-Chinese) in China is that I finally feel in some way I fit in, even with my American clothes and loud laughter. Here my eyes and facial features on the billboards, television, and everywhere I go. I'm pretty here and not some sort of "exotic" girl some dude might bring home to Mama. I'm "normal" here and my look is normal here. The U.S. may be a melting pot but the broth, vegetables, meat, and other ingredients don't really mix together.

It's nice to open a magazine and finally feel as though I have a familiar face staring back at me and not somee green eyed blonde haired actress. It's nice to feel pretty and it's nice to feel that I am finally part of a community.

Don't get me wrong though. I love being American. I think about how wonderful our country is all the time (well, a tiny bit less so since the 2000 elections) but I still feel as though the melting pot needs to be stirred up a bit more.

Alright, enough of this blogging. It's time to wave goodbye to the Beijing Hilton, grab my bags, and make my way back to the US of A. See you on the west side!