The fortune is in the cookie

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Just a short story to start off the week.

My mother is a translator for a company here in Rochester that provides translation services for hospitals and clinics. One of her clients is an older Chinese gentleman that always insists on inviting my family to dinner. Well, Sunday night was the night that we finally agreed and all of us hauled over to the Super Duper China Buffet. I'm not one for buffets but it seemed like all of Rochester was there.

After our meal we received the bill and of course, a few fortune cookies for the table. Now, I never really care for the fortunes and usually laugh at the mistranslation of the Chinese words on the back of the fortune, but this time I had a reason to pay attention.

I have been feeling a little down lately about fencing and my journey to the Olympics, and the words, "Why am I doing this?", have been playing over and over again in my head.

It was as if Confucius heard about my struggle and plopped the appropriate fortune in front of me that read, "Never give up". Short, sweet, and definitely to the point.

I'm not one to follow these fortune cookie superstitions but if it's good enough for the guy who writes these fortunes in the New York Chinatown factory, then it's good enough for me.

The fortune is in the cookie-NEVER GIVE UP!

Side note:

Origins of the fortune cookie (as per Wikipedia)

San Francisco and Los Angeles both lay claim to the origin of the fortune cookie. Makoto Hagiwara of Golden Gate Park's Japanese Tea Garden in San Francisco is said to have invented the cookie in 1909, while David Jung, founder of the Hong Kong Noodle Company in Los Angeles, is said to have invented them in 1918.

San Francisco's Court of Historical Review ruled in 1983 in favor of San Francisco. Although the court was presided over by a Federal judge, the court itself has been criticized as being less than serious and biased in favor of San Francisco. Its conclusions, therefore, might not be the final word on the subject.

P.S. The fortune cookie will not be served to you with your bill when eating in Beijing, Shanghai, or anywhere in China for that matter.

100th post!, Fascinating People, The Amazing Pomegranate

100th POST!

Welcome to my 100th blog post!

I started posting on this blog about six months ago on 6/26/06, just a few days before I left California for Rochester.

Although my last post was a bit of a heavy one, I think I've come a long way. Over the past few months I have shed about ten pounds and gained some muscle, slowly working my way into the athlete that I was physically. But as I shed the pounds, I am also shedding a bit of the past, the "old iris". I've come back home and rediscovered my roots, relinquished my relationship with an abusive coach, and started a new and fabulous journey.

Fascinating People

Whenever I go through a trial or struggle through some negative thoughts, I seem to get a reminder that I am not the only one.

I was watching TV tonight with my mother, and since we don't have cable, we were stuck on Barbara Walter's special of The Most Fascinating People of 2006. One of the fascinating people on her list was an athlete that I have admired for a long time, Andre Agassi.



He said something that was so pointed in my direction that I couldn't ignore it. Barbara asked him what it was like to come back and work his way back up the rankings from #141 to #1 in the world. Andre told Barbara that he thought about quitting a thousand times and even went as far as to give his racquets away. But he only quit for that small moment because he always wanted to continue. Even after his 21 years of failure and great success, "It was never about winning", he said.

Is someone trying to send me a message? Just this afternoon I was at the gym and told my trainer, after a few expletives, that I was tired of waiting and I just wanted to WIN! If I could, I would take that statement back because it showed that I hadn't learned anything. I know that if I continue to think that winning is a true validation of the process then I have truly lost.

The Amazing Pomegranate

In an effort to teach me patience, my mother has decided to buy me a pomegranate each week. If I want to eat it I can't simply pick it up and bite into it. If you have ever eaten a pomegranate you know that it takes time to peel it open, take out all the fruit, and then eat it. In the end, you wind up wanting to eat it slowly since it took you so long to peel and prepare.



My mother is hilarious. We now call it the "patience fruit" and she watches me as I peel apart the fruit and disect it into something edible. The funny part is that I can never figure out a way to take the fruit out faster-it is what it is. If I get frustrated she tells me, "Iris, you must work on the patience. Enjoy the experience and then enjoy the fruit."

Thanks, Mom.

in the raw

When I started this blog I wasn't sure how real I was going to be about my journey to Beijing-I mean, some things should probably be kept to myself. I struggled with the audience and handed out the blog address to anyone and everyone, even people who would end up donating money to me. Somewhere along the line I felt that I had to keep some things to myself because I was afraid that donors would decide that I wasn't worth the investment and move on.

But I have decided that in order to align this blog with my personality and thoughts, this blog is and will continue to be "in the raw". I was built with emotions on my sleeve and with an honesty that often catches people off guard. That's me and that's this blog.

So who cares? Well on the one hand, I could tell you that I went to the first competition of the season and took sixth out of one hundred and three women. I could continue on with-I made some progress, I had a good time, and it was a good start to a long two year journey. Bullshit. Yeah, I said it, bullshit.

What I really feel is-if results are really proportional to the work that I put in then I should be winning. What I really feel is-why can't I just get past these walls? What I really feel is-I SHOULD be winning and not losing to people who's age is significantly less than the number of years I have been fencing. What I really feel is disappointment.

If you talk to my coach she will tell you that things weren't so bad and that I fenced really well all day long until my last bout. I made some big errors and the other girl won. So now we go back and diligently work on the technical and tactical things that were wrong.

You see, if I was someone else with a different past I would agree with her. But for some reason I can't and won't allow myself these mistakes. Shouldn't the girl that started her career with a win at a local high school at 10 years old, winning a world championship at age 14, shouldn't I be able to climb this mountain in one leap? It turns out that the past is a shadow that gets bigger and darker when it goes unchecked.

I woke up on Sunday morning and Monday morning with the same feeling in the pit of my stomach. A sinking feeling with a voice that said that I may never get to the top of that mountain. What if I have to confront the fact that I may not have what it takes? After all, these girls have been working while I took two years off to finish school. These thoughts get spiraling and getting louder and louder.

Here it is, the raw. This morning I felt tired. I'm not talking about physical or mental fatigue but a spiritual fatigue. A big part of me thought that this task was insurmountable. I wanted to give up.

Thankfully I have some tools. I went down the list-I called my sports psychologist, my coach, and then a really good friend of mine who also trained for the Olympics in 2004.

The sports psychologist told me to evaluate why I was doing this and come back to the process. Yeah sure I understand but I still didn't feel any better. My coach assured me that it wasn't that bad and that she would never walk away and would always support me. Sounded good but why didn't I feel any better?

Then I spoke to my friend. He said something very real that jolted me back into thinking with some perspective. I asked him the same questions my sports psychologist asked me earlier that day, "Why do you want to do this? Why would you put yourself through this process? Why would you want to break yourself down and put yourself back together again? What drives you? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?" His answer was almost like a breath of fresh air, "There is no answer." Sometimes there is just why with no answer. You do this because you do it-you do this because you enjoy the sport. Maybe there is no grandiose point to the whole thing. The Olympics are a great thing but you fence because you want to.

What he said clicked my mind into gear with some thoughts with the same zen-like manner. There is no how and there is no why, sometimes there only is what there is. In reality, Ww are always on the edge of quitting. Stopping the machine before our workout is done, quitting the task that gets too hard, but you have to find the strength deep inside to continue to work through. Sometimes the reward is nothing but the process itself; it only is what it is.

I don't believe any of these mental walls I built and all these struggles will be resolved in a minute or with just one conversation, but it is definitely pushing me to become a stronger woman. If I walk away from this the same person then it would be a loss, but if I am able to gain strength of mind, body, and spirit, then maybe that could be my answer to why. I hope that one of these days my interior thoughts will match my exterior strength. Meanwhile, I am truly thankful to have friends who are strong for me when I am not strong enough.



"The first question which you will ask and which I must try to answer is this, "What is the use of climbing Mount Everest?" and my answer must at once be, "It is no use." There is not the slightest prospect of any gain whatsoever. Oh, we may learn a little about the behavior of the human body at high altitudes, and possibly medical men may turn our observation to some account for the purposes of aviation. But otherwise nothing will come of it. We shall not bring back a single bit of gold or silver, not a gem, nor any coal or iron. We shall not find a single foot of earth that can be planted with crops to raise food. It's no use. So, if you cannot understand that there is something in man which responds to the challenge of this mountain and goes out to meet it, that the struggle is the struggle of life itself upward and forever upward, then you won't see why we go. What we get from this adventure is just sheer joy. And joy is, after all, the end of life. We do not live to eat and make money. We eat and make money to be able to enjoy life. That is what life means and what life is for."

--George Leigh Mallory, 1922

Lesson learned, Richmond, and I shall not....

LESSON LEARNED

Let me just start off by saying that even if you are a hard worker, or you THINK you are a hard worker, you always work harder when there is someone there pushing you (and hopefully also cheering you on). I used to be a personal trainer in NYC, and people's inability to push themselves was the only reason I had a job. Everyone needs a boost sometimes to force them to do the things they know they must do.

When I was at Penn State this past weekend I had the opportunity to fence with Murat, a Penn State alum and an all-american fencer. This guy knows his stuff and has been around the block a few times in the sport of fencing.

It just so happens that I showed up to practice on Saturday and Sunday afternoon with an annoyed face and bad attitude. The truth is, I was tired and just didn't want to fence. So like any other self-respecting 25 year old Olympian, I whined, complained, and came close to throwing a tantrum. Come on people, you should know by now that Olympians are not super human or past any petty behavior.

Murat , someone much wiser than myself, ignored my bad attitude and pushed me to fight through it. He kept reminding me (even when I gave him a mean glare) that there are going to be moments where I am out on the strip and I may feel like I have nothing left, or I am struggling to make it through. He knew that if I pushed myself in that moment, it would only help me when it came to game time.

He didn't know it, but I was truly angry inside. I was so irritated at him because I his comments made me think that that I so weak that I allowed my emotions to get the best of me. No athlete wants to be perceived as weak of mind-trust me.

Shouldn't I be beyond this already? The anger kept growing and I kept getting hit over and over again by my practice partners, but somehow there was a small voice in me that agreed with Murat. Why not try and suck it up? I was already losing. Isn't this what I had been working on with the sports psychologist to begin with?

Before the end of practice, I said to myself, "If I can make it there on those Saturday and Sunday afternoons, I could sum up the guts to push it through the tough times." I had to push through it because deep down I knew that Murat was right. It turns out that once I freed myself of those negative emotions and focused squarely on the task at hand, I was able to turn things around and beat my opponent.

When I got back to Rochester, I realized how important his lesson had been and how important it was that I internalized what he said. Something had registered before the end of practice on Sunday, and on Monday's practice the positive effects of what I had learned were apparent. I felt much more confident in my lessons and my bouting. I felt more confident because I really knew, deep down, that I was strong enough to endure in any situation.

RICHMOND

The first national circuit is upon us. I am leaving for Richmond, Virginia, on Thursday and my competition is on Saturday. I'm going early to help Nat coach some of the boys from the club that compete on Friday.

I feel ready but most of all I feel happy. I have made some really big changes mentally, physically, and personally since my "dark period" after World Championships in Torino, Italy just a few months ago. Richmond will be a good marker for how things have progressed technically. If I can keep my head about me and my emotions in check, I will truly be able to use Richmond as a marker of progress.

I SHALL NOT....

Speaking of which I think I should make a mental note of all the things that I shall not do based on the negative things that happened in Torino.

1. I shall not let other people's opinion of my fencing career influence my confidence.

2. I shall not think that my result at the competition determines whether or not I am a good or successful person. (You will be surprised at how big this factor is.)

3. I shall not think that I have to live up to my past.

4. I shall have fun, lots of it.

5. I shall laugh.

6. I shall remember that fencing is only a sport and can only reveal my true self if I allow it not to be clouded by negative thoughts.


You have now entered the mind of an Olympian. Got more than you bargained for?

Well, it's time for bed. I have a fencing lesson at 10am with Nat and many things to do before I leave on Thursday.

I probably won't blog again until after I return from Richmond on Sunday. I'll let you know how it goes. Cross your fingers! :)

FUNDRAISER

The fundraiser I have been trying to put together with the help of Midtown Athletic Club's manager, Glenn William, has finally come to fruition.

January 24th from 7-9pm there will be an Olympic Fencing exhibition at the Midtown Athletic Club in Rochester, NY along with a "denim carnival" theme (I'll explain more about that later). All the proceeds will go to my fencing expenses.

Basically, the event is sponsored in part by L'Avant Garbe, which is a high end clothing store in Rochester. They have an annual denim themed fashion show at Midtown Athletic Club every year and this time fencing is going to be one of the features. Not only will I be in the fencing exhibition but I will also be modeling some jeans in the fashion show. Perhaps it's more motivation to workout and get into great shape?

Also, Chris, the woman who is helping with my promotional materials, is going to be setting me up with posters to sell with the following image.



A part of me can't believe that this is actually happening. We'll see in January how things work out. :)

It's been a while

Hey folks! A quick update. I am currently practicing in Penn State with Doris and others. The Penn State team left today so I'm going to try and convince some of the few still around to fence with me tomorrow.

Update about fundraising. The mailer my friend Chris and I are putting together is in it's final stages. I am still waiting to hear from Midtown Athletic Club about the date for the fundraiser. The woman I spoke to said that they might put the fundraiser in conjunction with another event, the Denim Carnival, in the middle of January. It should be cool, there is going to be a fashion show with denim and they will also feature "Iris the Olympic fencing wonder". Oh my. We will see. It's probably best if the fencing exhibition is at the same time as the denim carnival so that more people will be inclined to show up. Thus is fundraising for a little known sport.

Have a great weekend!

The bigger picture

My Mom asked me today how things were going with training. I told her that I am getting used to losing everyday because I am now losing by smaller margins these days. I also told her that it can sometimes get frustrating to lose to people that I know don't work as hard as I do or put in nearly as much time and effort into their training.

Her answer? "Iris, some people win the lottery and other people work their whole lives and only make ends meet." (Is the fact that my Mom is asian that she reminds me of Mr. Miagi from Karate Kid, or is it because she's just that wise that she reminds me of him?) You have to look at the bigger picture, she said, because it's not like you are going to work with no result in the end of two long years. You just have to keep focused on what your own goals are and not worry about what other people are doing. It may seem that you are getting the raw end of the deal but hard work does and will pay off especially in sports.

Should I tell her that it's not always easy to see that bigger picture when you are at the end of an opponents foil and they just keep hitting you in the chest repeatedly? Although I do have to say that people are doing that less and less now a days.

I know that in life sometimes hardwork doesn't pay off and she's right, sometimes people will work all their life and only make ends meet. The cold hard fact is that life is not always fair and evenly divided. The one thing that I think that may set me apart is that I have what Casey FitzRandolph calls "blind faith". He had blind faith that he would eventually reach his potential of being the best that Casey could be no matter what the circumstances were in that moment.





A couple weeks ago my sports psychologist told me to close my eyes and think of the medal stand. When I did, what popped into my head surprised me. Instead of standing on the podium I was far away from the it with a vast desert that separated me from the podium.



As I keep working I notice when I do the same mental exercise, the desert gets smaller but so does the medal stand-all I see is a vast space of clear sky.
Does that mean the sky's the limit? Or does it mean that the goal of reaching a medal is nice but isn't the ultimate? Am I finally starting to believe that there is a bigger picture? I would like to think so because the new and bigger picture seems so much more beautiful.

Thanksgiving

Usually when everyone thinks of Thanksgiving they think of family gathering together for a feast, football when the meal is done, and copious amounts of food and drink all day long.

I've never been much for the Thanksgiving meal and I don't even like turkey all that much. Sorry but I'm a daughter of immigrants to the country so the whole pilgrims and Indians thing doesn't really resonate with me.

In an effort to enjoy the holiday I've decided that Thanksgiving has a different meaning to me. I'm going to use this holiday as an opportunity to give thanks to the people that have made a difference in my life. The truth is that everyone has been touched by someone that encouraged them at the right moment or lifted them up when no one else would.

Thank you to all my friends, family, and supporters.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

And finally it's time to reveal the BIG SECRET!

Remember a while back I had some big news about the women's foil team?

Well here it is folks!

Starting April 1st the top four women's foilists on the USA ranking list will be living together in Rochester, NY. I have already started to look for places for us to live and thinking about all the possibilities. Do you think the women would do a MTV Real World type confessional for You Tube? Or maybe not.

Mike and Nat, the head coaches of the women's foil team, decided that we couldn't train for Beijing scattered around the US. It would make the most sense, economically and logistically to base ourselves out of Rochester. The city is definitely cheap and has a history of supporting the fencing team and fencing club.

I couldn't publish the details of this earlier because the women hadn't all agreed and we hadn't decided on what date would be the best for our move.

Doris, Emily, Hanna, and I will be living together and training together for a year leading up to Beijing. We are missing one woman from the equation, 2004 Olympian and long time friend and teammate, Erinn Smart. Erinn is choosing to remain in NYC and train with my old coach Buckie Leach.

Well, I can't believe it is actually going to happen. I sort of have to pinch myself when I think about it. In true Iris fashion I have sort of taken this on as a project and started to think of ways to promote and market the women's foil team so we can come up with some funding. All the women are the same boat-we need money to train and travel.

Speaking of which I am going to take a short opportunity to complain once again about my money situation. It's just not coming in as I had hoped and it's getting close to crunch time.

Yesterday I received a bill from the place where I took the MRI of my knee a few months ago. It turns out that my insurance (the athlete insurance I receive from the USOC) doesn't cover the $890 MRI. Great. One more bill and I am not sure if the $80 in my bank account is really going to cover it.

Sorry to complain but it's a situation that is very real to me and I'm getting very close to feeling like I don't have a solution.

On the bright side, the women's foil team is coming to Rochester. This means great things for us and great things for the Rochester Fencing Club. I am very lucky to have such wonderful women as my teammates.

The Weekend

Just a quick note for the weekend.

I'm actually taking some time to explore Rochester with my friend, Rebecca, who is visiting from NYC. Her family and I go way back. Rebecca's family "adopted" me while I lived in NYC to train for the 2004 Games, and we eventually became very close. I miss them and I'm happy to have Reebs up here visiting.

Today Rebecca and I went to Rochester's famed George Eastman House to explore the Kodak founder's mansion. I think we're going to visit the Rochester Memorial Art Gallery tomorrow to see the new Georgia O'Keefe exhibit.

It's great to have a few days off from fencing to hang out with a close friend and explore the city that I grew up in.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Casey FitzRandolph- Olympic Gold Medalist

Okay, okay, I admit that in the past I have profiled athletes that weren't so awesome. Eh hem...cough...cough.....Floyd Landis. I am still shocked and dissapointed to know that Floyd tested positive for performance enhancing drugs after the Tour de France. I do have to make a small note that a recent article came out that the French laboratory made an administrative error in testing Landis' B Sample. Click here for the full report.

BUT I am not here to blog about Floyd Landis, I am here to blog about a truly extraordinary and bloggable athlete named Casey FitzRandolph. (I gave Casey my blog address so he may be blushing at this point. Or at least I hope he's not getting out his hunting crossbow. Eeck!)

Yes, I am here to talk about Casey FitzRandolph, with whom I had an amazing conversation with just two days ago. You can click here to go to his official website to learn more about his speedskating career.

So how and why did I get in touch with a speed skater from the winter olympics?

Well, a while back I was talking to the USOC sports psychologist that I work with and she mentioned that my issues with fencing were similar to another athlete she read about, Casey FitzRandolph. Then she suggested that we talk and the rest is blog history.

Let's see...I can see where she sees some similarity. Casey started skating at age 4 and I started fencing at age 6. Casey was a winning athlete throughout his career until he hit a wall when a new type of skate was implemented, starting to sound familiar? At the time the switch came about Casey was at the top of his game in the world rankings and after the change he fell significantly in the rankings. While it seemed everyone around him was quickly adapting, Casey was still adjusting to the new skates. The story turns out really well for him because he does eventually break through and win a gold medal at the 2002 Salt Lake City Games. I am still on the upward hill of getting used to the new rules of fencing and my story is yet to be written-that is the only difference.

I needed to talk with Casey about the nitty gritty. What was it like to train with athletes that were younger and lose to them repeatedly in practice? Were there days where you thought you could never be good again? What was it like to humble yourself and essentially start over in a sport that you thought you knew like the back of your hand?

The answers he gave? Are you ready for it?

The first answer is HARD WORK. Yeah, who would of thought, trying to be the top in the world is hard work. His mental focus changed after the Nagano Olympics in 1998 to become more about the process and the work it took to perfect his skating technique. He said he worked harder during that period of his career than at any other time.

The other answer he gave was equally as important. He shifted his focus from the medal stand to "being the best that Casey can be". He trained every single day and competed each time with that mentality.

I actually wrote out my version of "be the best Casey can be" and posted it in my locker. The sign reads, "be the best that Iris can be". Yes, I know what you're thinking, "Iris, how much time did it take you to come up with something so original yet stay true to Casey's thought process?" It was tough but it's all about hard work.

So what is "being the best that Iris can be", besides sounding like something from an army recruitment ad? In my mind it means going into practice each day and squeezing out every ounce of my ability because in the end that's all we can truly ask of ourselves.

In Casey's case he worked his way back up and eventually reached the ultimate goal of an Olympic Gold medal. That prompted me to ask, "Casey, at what point did you know that you could be up there and did you trust that you would get there?" His answer was that he worked very hard and had blind faith that the technique would come through, but the goal always remained "be the best that Casey can be on that day and in that moment".

His advice to me at the end of our conversation was to humble myself and start from the beginning. I should take one step at a time in small increments and eventually it will all come together. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I have the patience of a two year old but I get the point. It takes hard work and time-and even then the goal is still about being present in the process.

The best part of talking to Casey was the fact that two people from very different sports could relate to each other about their experiences. I am very grateful for our conversation.

Thanks, Casey!

Rochester

It's getting late and I need to get to bed to start another early day of workouts, but I thought I would get in a quick post.

This post is an ode to Rochester, NY.

The truth is that I had a lot of reservations moving back here and among them was the fact that there isn't a whole lot to do here compared to the other places I've lived, NYC, San Francisco, and Moscow. However, what Rochester lacks in fun events it makes up for in community. I can't think of a better place to find support for my Olympic dreams.

Hillary Clinton's famous phrase is that it takes a village to raise a child but it also takes a village to train for Olympic Games. Believe me, I need all the support I can get. There are so many times when I am out and about in Rochester and someone strikes up a conversation with me and I mention what I'm up to, and then that person takes an interest. Not only do they take an interest but they try their hardest to come up with ways that they could help me or put me in touch with someone that could help me raise money, find a job, etc.

When I was training in New York City people used to throw money at me for my fencing. Often times that money came with some sort of attachment or at the very worst an "ownership". One woman after giving making a donation demanded that I coach her child. On the other hand, in Rochester, people may not always have as much money but they are always willing to support me in any way that they can. Deanna at Brow Diva did my make-up for free for the photo shoot. Rob, the photographer of the lovely photos I posted, didn't charge me for the time it took to take the shots. Chris Burleigh, another friend is not charging me for the time she takes to put together promotional packets. Yet another friend, Gayle Cavan, is a massage therapists and doesn't ever charge more than twenty dollars for her hour long massages. The athletic club where I work out has provided me with a free membership. The list continues because there isn't a day that goes by that I am not extermely thankful for something someone has done for me.

Thank you, Rochester. :)


I have no update for you about the women's foilists just yet. However, I did set up a conference call with the current women's foil team and some former women's foil team members for tomorrow night. I thought it would be great for the new generation and the older generation to get to know each other and be able to ask some questions about what it's like to commit to training for an Olympic team.

Have a great Monday everyone!

More photos

I took some photos today for promotional material and I've posted a few here on the blog.







Thanks go out to:

Chris Burleigh from Write Type Publishing
Rob Kalnitz who took the photos
Deanna Netti-Cahill from Brow Diva

Women's Foil Team

A few blog posts back I mentioned that I have big news about the women's foil team. Although I can't tell everyone yet until I get the go ahead from the head coaches, but I can say that there are big things happening. In the mean time enjoy the photos from our trip to Valencia, Venezuela!

Pictures from Venezuela

A few photos of the USA women's foil team and our coaches.

To see more photos of our trip to Venezuela please click here.

You are more than what you eat and the separation of sport and self

Have you ever heard of that saying, “you are what you eat”? Ultimately I don’t think I’m the bagel I ate this morning but I guess you can be the judge of whether or not I’m a circular object with a hole in the middle. I shouldn’t be eating bagels but that’s all I had, so sue me USOC sports nutritionist!

So, Iris, what’s the point because I don’t really care what you had for breakfast? Defining oneself through results and winning is the predicament that most if not all top level athletes experience and have to work through. It’s much easier to be the young athlete who has nothing to lose than the older athlete who believes that they are only worth their latest result.

On Saturday one of my closest friends struggled through the Penn State Open competition and had a break down similar to the one I had in Torino just a few weeks ago. Her words were similar to mine, “I should be winning otherwise I’m a failure, I’m a fencer and if I can’t do this then I can’t do anything right, etc.” Anyone else recognize this lovely wasteland of negative self-talk?

It was interesting that no sooner did I figure out how to deal with losing and learning over again does someone else come up to me with the same problem. Struggling with fear and doubt is something pretty universal, especially when you are a top-level athlete that won’t settle for anything less than gold. Whatever happened to the learning process that we went through as youth? The false expectation becomes, you have nothing else to learn when you are the best. If that’s true, why did Michael Jordan, at the top of his game, train harder than he ever did? He didn’t have anything to prove but he knew he still had a lot to learn.

My friend has a lot of goals she wants to accomplish, making the NCAA team for Penn State, making the junior team, etc. She has placed all these very heavy things on her shoulders and in the end it has proven to weigh her down instead of inspire her to work. I think a lot of it has to do with self-identification and part of the title of this blog- the separation of sport and self.

At what point do we forget the goal as a task rather than a value judgment? When do sports cross the line from being a personal goal to just being personal? Yes, competition does bring out the character in us but at the same time it shouldn’t be the only way that we as athletes look at ourselves. We can use sports as a tool but not as an absolute opinion because we aren’t just athletes, but we are much more-a student, a girlfriend, a daughter, a friend, and multiple of other layers that are just as important as our athletic performances.

The point is, human beings are complex people (well, most of us) and we can be defined by more than just what we eat or do because in the end everything is added up as an extension of ourselves. Am I spouting existentialist theory? Perhaps partially, but it’s important for athletes to undo any type of tunnel vision they may have in order to maintain a healthy perspective while working hard towards their goals. As I say all this I admit that it’s very difficult because I put everything I have into making the Olympic team but if I have learned anything from Nat or the sports psychologist, it is that the enjoyment of the process is more important than the end result because if you can manage to enjoy what you are doing in the moment than you already are a success.

We are....Penn State!

I'm making a trip to Penn State University for the Penn State Open collegiate competition. Although I'm not competing many of my friends are so, I'm driving the 3 and a half hours to State College to watch them fence and have some much needed fun. It's been a crazy couple of months of none stop training and it's time for a short break.

Nat and I spent two hours today discussing strategy for the next few weeks leading up to the North American Cup (NAC) in Richmond, VA. After that I practiced, took a lesson, and met with some friends to discuss fundraising strategies. After all this I realized that I truly needed a break from fencing. For a few days I can hang out with my friends and yes, they are fencing friends but they are like family anyways and capable of talking about subjects besides fencing. The best part about this weekend is that I'm just being another twenty something, having fun, and going out.

Not to mention the benefit of having some time to visit with my wonderful women's foil team-Emily, Doris, and Hanna. We are all very excited to see each other again so soon. I think I've sent them all an email each day since we've been back from Venezuela. Do you have those friends you just HAVE to call up when you just see something funny, or you've just done something stupid, or thought of a great idea, or even heard a cool song? Yeah, that's us, the women's foil team. I'm so grateful that these ladies are in my corner.

Speaking of which I haven't told y'all the story of Mama Bear yet. On one of the rides back to the hotel from the venue in Venezuela, one of the fencers from the USA team noticed the team dynamic and noted how close we all were. He also mentioned our different roles, "Iris is the Mama Bear to the team, Hanna is like the crazy single aunt, and Doris and Emily are the Baby Bears." I love this analogy because it perfectly defines all the roles we take on in the group. I'm definitely flattered to be the Mama Bear and as any good Mama would say, I hope I can show them how much they mean to me.

i'm off to State College to see my girls! I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Venezuela results

Individual result: 11th
Team result: 2nd

Sorry it took me so long to post but I was having trouble posting in Venezuela.

I just got back to Rochester this afternoon, just in time to hand out candy to the kids in my neighborhood. Trick or treat!

Folks, big things are happening to the USA women's foil team. I can't really tell you guys everything at this moment until it's been confirmed but something big is happening. You will have to stay tuned to find out-it may take a week or several weeks depending on the answers we get. This will impact a lot of my life and even my fundraising strategies. I hope you're on the edge of your seat because you should be.

Since I can't talk about the team I have a few things to mention about my individual result at the Pan-American zonal competition. This competition went a lot better than Torino, in that I felt a lot more relaxed and confident. The work I've been doing with the sports psychologist made a big difference and it became clear that mental preparation is just as important as physical preparation. It only took me twenty years of training to figure that out.

Nat and I are planning the next month and a half of training with a focus on the national tournament in Richmond, Virginia on December 9th. There are many things to work on and I can't wait to start.

Venezuela

Hi everyone! I'm in Valencia, Venezuela after two days of travel. I had to spend the night in Miami because I couldn't make the connection to the ONE flight per day to Valencia. The best part of it all was that the team didn't get their bags when they arrived here. Hopefully they will be here tomorrow, otherwise I'm fencing in linen pants and a camisole. Hmmm...fencing did want publicity....

I am looking forward to fencing the first event on Wednesday. The first individual event doesn't really count for anything but can be useful practice especially since these girls are hard to hit. In general the girls in the Pan-American region tend to be fast, small, and kinda squirmy. It's already hard to hit a moving target but when they scrunch up as you try to hit them it makes things a bit harder.

i had a chance to walk around the Valencia a bit today. I saw some graffiti in the city that called Bush a facist. I think the only other place I have seen this much Anti-American sentiment on public display is Cuba. It's a little alarming and I am careful not to speak too loudly or wear anything that screams "I'm from the United States". Anyone seen Hugo Chavez's (Venezuelan leader) speeches about the United States and Bush? How could you miss his speech at the United Nations a few weeks ago? If not, make sure to google it, I think it's a classic.

Updates about the competition as they come in. There are no websites this time that will have detailed info about this tournament so this blog site is your resource. Have a great week!

The F word

I heard the word failure again this weekend and this time it was coming from my sister’s mouth. She has spent the last few weeks as a work horse for her consulting company in order to finish yet another project that makes someone else rich. Amazing how that happens. When I told her that maybe she could get out of her job and pursue another avenue, her instinctive answer was “but I will be a failure if I quite this consulting job”. Isn’t this what life is after all? One big compromise of your life after another to climb up the proverbial ladder?

At this point my sister may be doing a great job but at what cost? Her health, personal life, and general happiness has completely taken a backseat to the demands of her job. When will it be enough?

So she thinks she is a failure. Interesting. Here is a woman with an engineering degree from Stanford and two Olympic teams under her belt. Let’s not mention the various accolades she has acquired along the way for being a superior human being. She is the only woman to ever win the national collegiate title for two different weapons in two years. Unfortunately we are only as good as our last win.

I began to think about what would make her come to those types of conclusions because maybe helping her work through this mess could also help me to understand some of the reasons why I feel the way I feel about my own achievements? Here I am, training for the Olympics and I decide I am a failure if I don’t reach the number one spot after three months of training. This is very fatalistic and destructive thought.

The first answer I thought was, our culture is all about the number one spot. In this instance of “our culture” I am talking about the mixed cultural background that Felicia and I grew up in. My mother had a huge influence on us and we were always being pushed to the limits to be the best in everything we did. This worked really well when we were young because there are all sorts of Chinese school debates, piano recitals, and fencing competitions to compete in. What happens when you get older when the stakes are higher and not everyone receives a blue ribbon in the end? How do you deal with that? And some people wonder why Asian countries have high rates of suicide. It’s not just the small apartments folks.

I once told my mother that I wanted to be a physical therapist because I wanted a way to help others with the knowledge I gained through my own experiences. My vision was to build a high performance center for elite athletes that worked in conjunction with a university to faciliate testing and research. I didn’t even get so far as to explain all this because as soon as I said that I wanted to be a physical therapist she burst out in a hysterical fit of crying and yelling. What my mom wanted and still wants to this day is for me go to law school or business school because that was something she understood as prestigious. Not to mention the fact that she gets bragging rights that ,“Iris go to Columbia law school, she going to be lawyer.” What my Mom doesn’t know is the amount of debt I would be in when I came out of school that would force me to sell my soul to a law firm for several years just to be able break even. Apologies to the lawyers out there but I did interview for a paralegal position in NYC once and one of the lawyer told me to run the other direction. This isn’t to say that I am not still considering going to law school.

In contrast is the tough, know it all, confident, American spirit that stresses that anything is possible. Let’s think of American success stories, Steve Jobs, Warren Buffet, and Bill Gates, yes they all have one thing in common (lots o’ cash) but the thing that links them all together is that they took calculated risks in things that they really enjoyed and success was an afterthought. Can one argue that they were successful to begin with when they decided to take their own path? It takes guts to walk off the treadmill of the corporate rat race to pursue your own ingenuity but that where the soul of the American lives.

Not only do I want this message to reach my sister but I also want this message to reach the children of immigrants that often feel torn between the desires of their parents and their own passions influenced by American culture. In the end I think the reconciliation between the two cultures is in finding peace within yourself in order to determine your own definition of success because at the end of the day you are responsible for your own happiness.

My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.

--Elaine Maxwell