Photos of the Rochester Open

Here are just a few photos of the Rochester Open competition we held this past weekend. The random photo without fencing in it is a picture of cookies that were donated by Cookies in a Wink for the Open House. Thanks, Wendy!

Enjoy the photos!

T-minus one day until I get my cast off!

Tournament, Open House, tv cameras, oh my!

This past weekend was a busy one filled with morning wake ups at 6am and frequent sips of coffee between adrenaline rushes. I helped to put together and run our first Rochester Open competition and our first ever Open House at the Rochester Fencing Club.

In between training for the Olympics and fundraising, I decided to help out with business development at the club. Can I have my Olympian with a type-A personality and a little bit of overachievement on the side? Why, yes you can! It must be something in the Rochester water or the rice that my mother makes because my sister is the same way.

Anyways, we had a successful weekend. The tournament ran smoothly and we had some people drive in from Syracuse to attend. I was actually more proud of the turnout at our Open House- 50-60 people showed up at our doorstep despite the snow storm and cold temperatures. My hope is that we retain a majority of these visitors but one never knows.

I learned a lot about business when putting this together but most importantly, I learned the power of the media. The people that showed up to the Open House heard about it through our ads in the local newspapers and the spot on R News. Now I understand why the candidate I worked for sunk millions into his ad campaign.

I should have pictures up of the two events shortly. There were so many of them that I have to sort through all of them first.

I hope everyone had a much more restful weekend than I did! Only three more days until the smelly cast comes off my hand!

Photos from the Fundraiser

Fundraiser Review

The fundraiser went off with great reviews from my friends and family. One person wrote this to me in an email and I thought it was a great reflection of how the event went:

"It is very obvious that you have such a close knit support network of friends, family, and teammates/ training partners. Having never been involved with or around fencing I was unsure of what to expect. What I saw was a lot of smiles, a lot of laughter, and people having fun- the tell tale signs of a successful event."

I do feel truly blessed to have so many wonderful friends and close teammates. If I were to guess, there were about 50 people there and altogether we raised almost $1,000. With all the drama that went on prior to the event and with last minute cancellations, I felt that the event was a success.

I would like to acknowledge and thank the following people:

Felicia Zimmermann, who flew in overnight and flew out the next day at 6am just to help her little sister out.

Gabe Sinkin and Doris Willette, for driving in from Penn State despite the weather to help fence in the demo and support me.

Chris Burleigh, Write Type Publishing who helped me promote the event and sell posters.

OlympiansCory Sertl (Sailing '88) and Theresa Contos (Handball '84)-once an Olympian, always an Olympian.

Adil Masood and his family, for always giving without question. Thank you for helping and encouraging me each step of the way.

Bob Silver, from GRAAF.

Al Parisi and his family.

Jenny Ertel, for always being an inspiration.

John Hoy, Slickers. Always a good friend.

Nat Goodhartz and Kathy Weber, always there to lend an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. I called Nat every hour on the day of the event to vent frustration and to get advice.

And last but not least, my parents Thomas and Christina. Forget it-I need a lifetime to thank them.

My father somehow got me on the popular morning radio show Brother Wease by pretending he was an avid listener and biker who is also a supporter of Iris Zimmermann. I wonder what they thought about my father's thick German accent?

I will walk away from this experience having learned a lot about fundraising, promotion, working with others, and being dissapointed. The worse part was finding out which of your friends actually support you unconditionally. Some people talk the talk and some people walk the walk.

All in all this was a fun event and I was so happy to be surrounded by friends and family. From what I heard everyone had a great time and enjoyed watching the demo.

I hope to post some photos of the event on the blog soon.

Thank you to everyone who came-I felt like a rockstar!

Under promise and over deliver

The one thing that I took away from my experience in California politics is "under promise and over deliver". So, this is the way I choose to look at the fundraiser tomorrow evening. I don't promise this will be a huge event and I am just content to have an event after the cancellation scare.

Being the type of athlete I am with high standards and expectations, I am learning how to put the expectations away and just go with it. I am thankful that my sister is flying in tomorrow morning from LA to help me out with this event. When all else fails, get your family to help you out.

I also just learned that one of the girls may not be able to make it to the demonstration because of weather issues. She is driving in from Ohio. Under promise...under promise...under promise...under pressure..unable to breathe.

Cross your fingers everyone!

Don't pull your hair out

So I get a call this morning from the midtown athletic club saying that only five people are pre-registered for the fundraiser on Wednesday and they are cancelling the event. (First of all, who knew that everyone had to pre-register?)

Well, good morning to you too! So I called my friend Chris (she's like my right hand woman) and let her unleash her fury on midtown. By the time I called the special events director she asked, "Is this Chris violent?" I swear I could hear the events director tremble on the phone as she asked me that. They ended up compromising by scaling down the event and moving the venue.

I spent half the morning and afternoon calling and confirming friends. I felt like, just because midtown didn't do the job of promoting my event, I shouldn't be punished. So in one afternoon, I have about 30 commitments, news media coming, and letters of complaint going to the athletic club. I would say my friends are pretty loyal.

Anyways, after all that I am still annoyed. My mother saw that I was still brooding about this situation at the dinner table and said one of the best pieces of advice I have ever heard, "Don't continue to pull your hair out after someone has already done the job." Meaning, you are only hurting yourself getting disappointed and angry about someone else's incompetence. It makes sense. Perhaps that is why it's better to forgive than harbor the anger I feel towards the club.

A refuge

I am not always impressed by sports stories because the lot of them seem to show athletes being hauled off to jail, fined for poor behavior, using anabolic steroids or other perfomance enhancing drugs, or just random misconduct. Anyone hear the latest on Michael Vick and the infamous water bottle with suspicious marijuana like contents? There is one example.

However, this Sunday's New York Times sports story was more human interest than sports. No athletes in this article are big stars with million dollar contracts by any means. Come to think of it this front page Sunday New York Times story didn't have any of the usual catch words, "bomb", "death", or "War in Iraq". It was a refuge from the norm.

Refugees Find Hostility and Hope on Soccer Field

If you haven't read this story yet, you should really click here.


It's an amazing tale of how a woman started a soccer team of refugee kids. The athletes are from from war torn areas like Liberia and Afghanistan. One child recounts being a child soldier and being forced to kill another child in his village.

Their story is all about ups and downs--and the downs aren't even their individual tales from their homes. It turns out that the mayor of their town in Clarkstown, Georgia has been one of the biggest roadblocks to their success. The mayor doesn't really like soccer (oh yeah, and refugees) played in the large grassy Clarkestown field.

But to many longtime residents, soccer is a sign of unwanted change, as unfamiliar and threatening as the hijabs worn by the Muslim women in town. It’s not football. It’s not baseball. The fields weren’t made for it. Mayor Swaney even has a name for the sort of folks who play the game: the soccer people.

Despite their struggles against the town and its mayor, I believe that they will succeed. Because even with everything these kids have been through they ultimately love soccer. Kicking around a ball as a team provides them with much needed refuge from their past and sometimes their present hardships. There is a point sometimes when sports crosses a line to become more than just physical exercise, but a way to find escape and freedom.

The cast

My Mom and I look pretty tough! :)

I really can't type much now which puts a damper on my blog. However, now is the time to work on my photography skills.

This morning I saw Dr. Del Signori, a hand surgeon, about my finger. Apparently the finger was pushed so far to the right on the right hand that it fractured the outside portion of the bottom of the pinky. The fracture isn't as bad as the second degree sprain that will take longer to heal but it's a good thing that I went to a great doctor who is experienced with treating athletes.

I definitely connected with the doc when she told me the story of how she became a hand surgeon. She was playing in a big game at Holy Cross when she fractured her middle finger. Instead of leaving the game, she decided to tape her hand to the lacrosse stick. When the game was over (they lost) she went to the hospital with the stick still taped to her hand. The rest is history.

So I am in this cast for the next two weeks. Until February 1st at 8:15am to be exact.

The journey continues....

The hand bone is connected to the fractured pinky

It's official, there is a fracture at the base of the pinky finger on my right hand. My doc just called with the x-ray results and I have to go in to see the hand specialist tomorrow morning. I can't believe that someone hit me hard enough directly on my finger to fracture it. I think it gives everyone an idea of how tough this sport really is.

I also can't believe I continued to fence in the gold medal round without feeling much of anything. Thank goodness for adrenaline.

Step one, take second at the second national tournament, step two, break pinky finger--hmmm..that wasn't in the plans. This is a lesson that the journey will always have bumps in the road because as John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans".

So this is life and it's happening.

More information on the recovery tomorrow when I see my doctor and the specialist. I guess I'm going to have to focus on floating like a butterfly and hold off on the sting like a bee part. Hopefully this stinger will heal before my next tournament in Austria on February 17th.

California dreaming

My car in my driveway. P.S. that is my Dad in the background with the snowblower.

I think today is the day that I miss California most. My poor car also misses California as it has never seen the likes of snow since it was built in Mexico and shipped to California.

When I left for Ohio it was 50 degrees in Rochester and when I got back yesterday it was 18 degrees. I had to turn on the defroster and wait ten minutes before I could chip through the inch thick sheet of ice that had accumulated on my car.

What does this have to do with fencing? Well, nothing really but it's been a while since I've lived through a Rochester (lake effect snow) winter. I just want to list this under one of the things that I sacrificed in order to train for the Olympics. My car and I miss California.

Journey-on an upward swing!

CELEBRATE!

I won the silver today at the Columbus National tournament. I really had a great showing and worked through a lot of my mental roadblocks while in competition. Not to mention that I had such a great time while I was fencing!

The day I left for Columbus (we drove the 6 1/2 hours here from Rochester, NY) I went to Starbucks to get my favorite, tall caramel macchiatto with skim milk. Why is this significant? Well, Starbucks always has various quotes on their cups entitled, "The Way I See It". The message on the day I left happened to be one from speedskaterApollo Anton Ohno. And it goes something like this:

"If I have given my all and still do not win, I haven't lost. Others might remember winning or losing; I remember the journey."

Very true. I almost shed tears today after beating someone that I have had so much trouble with in the past. Coming in second was so sweet and meant so much more to me than it would have in the past. I worked hard for this and for once I am going to be proud of myself. Because I endured and I pushed past so much in order to get here.

This isn't to say there won't be any downs in the next year or that I don't have more to work on (which I do for sure), but I finally feel like this is the beginning of something good. (Knock on wood-what can I say? I'm superstitious.)

I want to post more on the site tomorrow when I feel a little more rested. Also, one of my opponents hit me on my right pinky knuckle so hard it looks like a sausage. All this makes it difficult to type but I wanted to make sure to update everyone on the good news! :)

California friends and my Rochester future

To catch everyone up to speed in a few very short sentences. Yes, it's been seven days since my last blog. Yes, I have been busy. Yes, I am now 26 years old. Yes, I have to go to a fencing competition in Columbus, Ohio on Thursday.

My trip to California

After Christmas, I participated in a women's foil camp in San Francisco. I spent New Year's Eve in Tahoe catching up on much needed rest and relaxation from the camp. I think I used most of the time to nurse my sore muscles in the hot tub. You have never seen stars until you have been surrounded by snow, sitting in the hot tub at night, and looking up at the Tahoe sky. It was amazing.

After New Year's I spent a few days in SF including my birthday, which was last Saturday. I am finally a few days into the first year of my late twenties. It's an era which will include lots of fencing and traveling. I'm looking forward to it.

My birthday party was an interesting one. I sort of tried to meld a group of mismatched friends together so I can see them all at one time. Some were Stanford kids I met during the Stanford in Moscow program, some were people I knew from the California gubernatorial campaign I worked on, and others were friends from San Francisco.

With this experience I realized that you accumulate lots of friends overtime and not all of them are going to mesh together even if you are all at a great Vietnamese restaurant in San Francisco.

But more importantly, I realized that in six months my life has completely changed. Going back to California was truly an eye opener for me. While my friends were stressed about their jobs and purpose in life, I thought about all the fun things I get to do like fencing, competing, meeting different people, traveling. Not to say one thing is better than the other, but I felt for the first time that I wasn't really missing out on anything.

Of course my Stanford friend asked THE question almost every Stanford grad asks me, "Why did you decide to waste two years of your life?". No joke, that's what he asked.

At first I was a little shocked because I felt that the broad smile on my face would have already answered that question. A few months ago I would have said that I was scared and part of me thought this was the dumbest idea, but this is now and my answer was and is because I LOVE IT. There is no greater joy for me now than what I am doing. Fencing has always been a huge part of me and I am in this moment for good, for better, or for even better, at least for the next year.

I am more worried now about afterwards and what will I do when it's all over but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Today, I spoke to an Olympic sailor that competed in Mexico City at the 1968 Games. I called to invite him to my fundraiser and he started in with, "back in my day I only got $300 and made my own boat. I even got the crew together by myself". I love it. At the end of the conversation I was curious what an ex-Olympian does forty years after they compete. He just plainly answered, of course I still sail and I even build boats.

I think if you do a sport to such an intense degree and you have the opportunity to represent your country in the ultimate competition, the sport never leaves you. It becomes part of you for better or worse-the aches and pains of old injuries and the incredible feeling you get when you walk into an Olympic stadium with thousands of people cheering for you-I own those memories and those feelings. All these things will always be a part of me and for that I am more than thankful. I could be working as an intern somewhere right now but instead I'm traveling the world and chasing a dream.

Pravda

For the few of you that read this blog and don’t know, I spent four months studying abroad in Moscow (Russia, that is). While I was there “pravda” became my favorite Russian word because it means truth. Also, pravda just so happened to be the name of the U.S.S.R.’s national newspaper. As Alanis Morissette once sang, “Isn’t it ironic?".

As we all close another year and begin another, and as I close my 25th year to start my 26th (my birthday is on Saturday), I feel the need to reflect. I think most 25-year-olds feel a strong desire to understand the point of their journey. However, I do know that self-reflection isn't unique to age, but at 25 there is a strong pull of maturity and a letting go of youth. Afterall, wasn't it John Mayer, a popular singer and spokesmen for twenty something’s, that coined the phrase “quarter-life crisis”? If you haven’t heard the song, it’s a good one.

In 2006, I have become a college graduate, worked on a major political campaign in California, and moved back home to pursue a childhood dream. The pursuit of my fencing dreams is more than just an athletic endeavor, it has inspired me to really dig deep emotionally, physically, and mentally. And you all get to read about it! Aren’t you lucky?

So, without further ado, what better way to present these very personal thoughts about my life journey thus far than a list? If it’s good enough for David Letterman, it’s good enough for me.

Small caveat, some of these points may be related but it’s my list and I’ll do what I wanna.

List of Fundamental Truths as Learned by a 25 year old

1. Life is not something you can plan out. After a high school diploma and college degree, there really isn’t anything else (besides grad school) that is as planned out or structured. And even if you try and plan your life in four or five year increments, you will learn just as the Soviets did, even the best laid plans come collapsing down.

2. It is what it is. Meaning, there are some things that you cannot change and must accept. My favorite prayer is the “serenity prayer” which basically sums up point two. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change. The courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” I’m still working on all the above.

3. To forgive is to forget. We only do more harm to ourselves when we choose not to forgive.

4. Change is constant. The picture of today is not always the picture of tomorrow. Which brings me to my next point.

5. Be in the moment. Live in the moment. Each moment passes faster and faster as we get older. Somewhere along the way deadlines take over our lives and we tend to lose perspective. How many times have you said, “No, I can’t. I don’t have time.”? To which I use Lao Tzu’s words:

“Time is a created thing. To say, ’I don’t have time’ is to say‘I don’t want to.’”

6. Being honest with yourself is just as important as honesty with others. Honesty with yourself means being able to admit all the bad and good things that make you, you. But the inability to admit the good things can hold you back just as much as the inability to admit the bad things.

7. Pass on the kindness that you have been shown. You can’t always reciprocate when people do things for you or impact your life, but you can pass on that same kindness to others as one type of repayment. Anyone ever seen the movie Pay It Forward?

8. Loyalty is hard to find and when you find it, hold on to it.

9. Women in fashion magazines are airbrushed. Just had to add that for my own benefit.

10. The brand of clothing I wear does not determine my self worth. Unless they become a sponsor….just kidding.

11. One’s primary source of validation must come from one’s own self-evaluation. After college there are no more gold stars or A+’s, or teachers and parents to tell us what is good and what is bad. But we still feel a need to look to others to form opinions about our lives. Who knows you better? I would hope that the answer is you.

12. Self-confidence should be paired with flexibility to accept change and criticism.

13. Treat everyone with the respect that you would like to receive.

14. Think before you act.

15. Patience is more than a virtue, it is everything. Things happen in small quantities or sometimes in large steps, but the simple fact is that you will spend time waiting for things to happen by your creation or by other’s determination. So while you are waiting you might as enjoy the wait. There is no destination without a journey.

16. You are not the only one. As much as we like to believe that we are the center of the universe, we aren’t.

17. No one is paying attention to you but you, so worrying about what other people think of you is an exercise in futility.

18. Do as much as you can each day even if that is only a little bit.

19. Surround yourself with people that support you but are always willing to question your motives.

20. Happiness is in the eye of the beholder. You are the only one that both determines and controls your own happiness. Don’t blame others for making you unhappy.

21. Give people the room to change because first impressions are not always as they seem.

22. Make time for the most important people in your life—your family.

23. Pursue your dreams with passion.

24. Believe that you will reach your destination even when you aren’t anywhere near it.

25. Never give up. Recently I have been reading Chris Gardner’s book, “Pursuit of Happyness”, and I would hope at this point most people know about Chris' incredible journey from homelessness to a self-made multi-millionaire, entrepreneur, motivational speaker and philanthropist from the new hit movie starring Will Smith. Sometimes when things would get difficult (as they often did in his life) Chris would chant the words “Go forward” until that’s all he could hear.

So for the New Year, I hope that you will all follow Chris Gardner's example and continue to “Go forward”. We may not all end up multi-millionaires, but we each have our own goals.

Go forward, go forward, go forward, go forward, go forward, go forward, go forward……….

Happy New Year!

I haven't been blogging lately between Christmas, fencing camp in San Francisco, and the New Year's retreat to Tahoe, CA. It has definitely been a busy week.

Happy New Year to everyone! I hope that 2007 brings you more joy and success than last year!

We all have something

My former teammate and Olympian, Suzie Paxton and I had a long conversation the other night. We talked about how things are going for me and my pursuit of Beijing. I told her the truth, things were a little rocky from time to time. It's sometimes hard for me to see the result at the end of the road when I work and struggle through each day and each tournament.

I told her some of my perceived weaknesses and she admitted to some of her own while she was training for the 1996 games. Then we got on the subject of athletes we admired and she mentioned someone that had a physical disability but was still playing high level sports with a prosthetic leg. He has actually done more incredible things after the accident than before-almost as if having a prosthetic leg gives him a reason to be the best.

People who encounter these types of obstacles in their lives either go one of two ways. One, the route of feeling sorry for themselves. Or two, making each day count because they are very aware of how life can throw some crazy curve balls. Suzie then said something to me that resonated, "everyone has a disability but some are not as visible as a prosthetic leg".

That got me thinking about my unseen disabilities. Perhaps my greatest disability is ego. Things used to be so much easier for me and I could win almost any tournament I entered but now the end result isn't as certain. After Richmond, there was a part of me that went down the road of self-pity. I will admit that it took a good week for me to get out of a depressed funk. Maybe it's okay to have a moment (or a week in my case) to admit defeat and nurse the wound?

On Monday of this week, my sports psychologist asked me if I wanted to quit. For a moment, I considered it very seriously. I could walk away, but if I walk away from this I will have given in to all the fear and doubt. Who's to say that I won't be faced with a hard situation again? This is life after all, a series of challenges. When the going gets tough does Iris get going?

If anything, I would want to know that I am the type of person that would not choose the easy way out. After all, I didn't sign up to train for a regional tournament, I signed up for the Olympics. Here is where acceptance comes in and gives way to persistence. Just like the man with a prosthetic leg, I can allow my ego to disable me or I can use it to help me achieve extraordinary things.

The fortune is in the cookie

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Just a short story to start off the week.

My mother is a translator for a company here in Rochester that provides translation services for hospitals and clinics. One of her clients is an older Chinese gentleman that always insists on inviting my family to dinner. Well, Sunday night was the night that we finally agreed and all of us hauled over to the Super Duper China Buffet. I'm not one for buffets but it seemed like all of Rochester was there.

After our meal we received the bill and of course, a few fortune cookies for the table. Now, I never really care for the fortunes and usually laugh at the mistranslation of the Chinese words on the back of the fortune, but this time I had a reason to pay attention.

I have been feeling a little down lately about fencing and my journey to the Olympics, and the words, "Why am I doing this?", have been playing over and over again in my head.

It was as if Confucius heard about my struggle and plopped the appropriate fortune in front of me that read, "Never give up". Short, sweet, and definitely to the point.

I'm not one to follow these fortune cookie superstitions but if it's good enough for the guy who writes these fortunes in the New York Chinatown factory, then it's good enough for me.

The fortune is in the cookie-NEVER GIVE UP!

Side note:

Origins of the fortune cookie (as per Wikipedia)

San Francisco and Los Angeles both lay claim to the origin of the fortune cookie. Makoto Hagiwara of Golden Gate Park's Japanese Tea Garden in San Francisco is said to have invented the cookie in 1909, while David Jung, founder of the Hong Kong Noodle Company in Los Angeles, is said to have invented them in 1918.

San Francisco's Court of Historical Review ruled in 1983 in favor of San Francisco. Although the court was presided over by a Federal judge, the court itself has been criticized as being less than serious and biased in favor of San Francisco. Its conclusions, therefore, might not be the final word on the subject.

P.S. The fortune cookie will not be served to you with your bill when eating in Beijing, Shanghai, or anywhere in China for that matter.

100th post!, Fascinating People, The Amazing Pomegranate

100th POST!

Welcome to my 100th blog post!

I started posting on this blog about six months ago on 6/26/06, just a few days before I left California for Rochester.

Although my last post was a bit of a heavy one, I think I've come a long way. Over the past few months I have shed about ten pounds and gained some muscle, slowly working my way into the athlete that I was physically. But as I shed the pounds, I am also shedding a bit of the past, the "old iris". I've come back home and rediscovered my roots, relinquished my relationship with an abusive coach, and started a new and fabulous journey.

Fascinating People

Whenever I go through a trial or struggle through some negative thoughts, I seem to get a reminder that I am not the only one.

I was watching TV tonight with my mother, and since we don't have cable, we were stuck on Barbara Walter's special of The Most Fascinating People of 2006. One of the fascinating people on her list was an athlete that I have admired for a long time, Andre Agassi.



He said something that was so pointed in my direction that I couldn't ignore it. Barbara asked him what it was like to come back and work his way back up the rankings from #141 to #1 in the world. Andre told Barbara that he thought about quitting a thousand times and even went as far as to give his racquets away. But he only quit for that small moment because he always wanted to continue. Even after his 21 years of failure and great success, "It was never about winning", he said.

Is someone trying to send me a message? Just this afternoon I was at the gym and told my trainer, after a few expletives, that I was tired of waiting and I just wanted to WIN! If I could, I would take that statement back because it showed that I hadn't learned anything. I know that if I continue to think that winning is a true validation of the process then I have truly lost.

The Amazing Pomegranate

In an effort to teach me patience, my mother has decided to buy me a pomegranate each week. If I want to eat it I can't simply pick it up and bite into it. If you have ever eaten a pomegranate you know that it takes time to peel it open, take out all the fruit, and then eat it. In the end, you wind up wanting to eat it slowly since it took you so long to peel and prepare.



My mother is hilarious. We now call it the "patience fruit" and she watches me as I peel apart the fruit and disect it into something edible. The funny part is that I can never figure out a way to take the fruit out faster-it is what it is. If I get frustrated she tells me, "Iris, you must work on the patience. Enjoy the experience and then enjoy the fruit."

Thanks, Mom.

in the raw

When I started this blog I wasn't sure how real I was going to be about my journey to Beijing-I mean, some things should probably be kept to myself. I struggled with the audience and handed out the blog address to anyone and everyone, even people who would end up donating money to me. Somewhere along the line I felt that I had to keep some things to myself because I was afraid that donors would decide that I wasn't worth the investment and move on.

But I have decided that in order to align this blog with my personality and thoughts, this blog is and will continue to be "in the raw". I was built with emotions on my sleeve and with an honesty that often catches people off guard. That's me and that's this blog.

So who cares? Well on the one hand, I could tell you that I went to the first competition of the season and took sixth out of one hundred and three women. I could continue on with-I made some progress, I had a good time, and it was a good start to a long two year journey. Bullshit. Yeah, I said it, bullshit.

What I really feel is-if results are really proportional to the work that I put in then I should be winning. What I really feel is-why can't I just get past these walls? What I really feel is-I SHOULD be winning and not losing to people who's age is significantly less than the number of years I have been fencing. What I really feel is disappointment.

If you talk to my coach she will tell you that things weren't so bad and that I fenced really well all day long until my last bout. I made some big errors and the other girl won. So now we go back and diligently work on the technical and tactical things that were wrong.

You see, if I was someone else with a different past I would agree with her. But for some reason I can't and won't allow myself these mistakes. Shouldn't the girl that started her career with a win at a local high school at 10 years old, winning a world championship at age 14, shouldn't I be able to climb this mountain in one leap? It turns out that the past is a shadow that gets bigger and darker when it goes unchecked.

I woke up on Sunday morning and Monday morning with the same feeling in the pit of my stomach. A sinking feeling with a voice that said that I may never get to the top of that mountain. What if I have to confront the fact that I may not have what it takes? After all, these girls have been working while I took two years off to finish school. These thoughts get spiraling and getting louder and louder.

Here it is, the raw. This morning I felt tired. I'm not talking about physical or mental fatigue but a spiritual fatigue. A big part of me thought that this task was insurmountable. I wanted to give up.

Thankfully I have some tools. I went down the list-I called my sports psychologist, my coach, and then a really good friend of mine who also trained for the Olympics in 2004.

The sports psychologist told me to evaluate why I was doing this and come back to the process. Yeah sure I understand but I still didn't feel any better. My coach assured me that it wasn't that bad and that she would never walk away and would always support me. Sounded good but why didn't I feel any better?

Then I spoke to my friend. He said something very real that jolted me back into thinking with some perspective. I asked him the same questions my sports psychologist asked me earlier that day, "Why do you want to do this? Why would you put yourself through this process? Why would you want to break yourself down and put yourself back together again? What drives you? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?" His answer was almost like a breath of fresh air, "There is no answer." Sometimes there is just why with no answer. You do this because you do it-you do this because you enjoy the sport. Maybe there is no grandiose point to the whole thing. The Olympics are a great thing but you fence because you want to.

What he said clicked my mind into gear with some thoughts with the same zen-like manner. There is no how and there is no why, sometimes there only is what there is. In reality, Ww are always on the edge of quitting. Stopping the machine before our workout is done, quitting the task that gets too hard, but you have to find the strength deep inside to continue to work through. Sometimes the reward is nothing but the process itself; it only is what it is.

I don't believe any of these mental walls I built and all these struggles will be resolved in a minute or with just one conversation, but it is definitely pushing me to become a stronger woman. If I walk away from this the same person then it would be a loss, but if I am able to gain strength of mind, body, and spirit, then maybe that could be my answer to why. I hope that one of these days my interior thoughts will match my exterior strength. Meanwhile, I am truly thankful to have friends who are strong for me when I am not strong enough.



"The first question which you will ask and which I must try to answer is this, "What is the use of climbing Mount Everest?" and my answer must at once be, "It is no use." There is not the slightest prospect of any gain whatsoever. Oh, we may learn a little about the behavior of the human body at high altitudes, and possibly medical men may turn our observation to some account for the purposes of aviation. But otherwise nothing will come of it. We shall not bring back a single bit of gold or silver, not a gem, nor any coal or iron. We shall not find a single foot of earth that can be planted with crops to raise food. It's no use. So, if you cannot understand that there is something in man which responds to the challenge of this mountain and goes out to meet it, that the struggle is the struggle of life itself upward and forever upward, then you won't see why we go. What we get from this adventure is just sheer joy. And joy is, after all, the end of life. We do not live to eat and make money. We eat and make money to be able to enjoy life. That is what life means and what life is for."

--George Leigh Mallory, 1922

Lesson learned, Richmond, and I shall not....

LESSON LEARNED

Let me just start off by saying that even if you are a hard worker, or you THINK you are a hard worker, you always work harder when there is someone there pushing you (and hopefully also cheering you on). I used to be a personal trainer in NYC, and people's inability to push themselves was the only reason I had a job. Everyone needs a boost sometimes to force them to do the things they know they must do.

When I was at Penn State this past weekend I had the opportunity to fence with Murat, a Penn State alum and an all-american fencer. This guy knows his stuff and has been around the block a few times in the sport of fencing.

It just so happens that I showed up to practice on Saturday and Sunday afternoon with an annoyed face and bad attitude. The truth is, I was tired and just didn't want to fence. So like any other self-respecting 25 year old Olympian, I whined, complained, and came close to throwing a tantrum. Come on people, you should know by now that Olympians are not super human or past any petty behavior.

Murat , someone much wiser than myself, ignored my bad attitude and pushed me to fight through it. He kept reminding me (even when I gave him a mean glare) that there are going to be moments where I am out on the strip and I may feel like I have nothing left, or I am struggling to make it through. He knew that if I pushed myself in that moment, it would only help me when it came to game time.

He didn't know it, but I was truly angry inside. I was so irritated at him because I his comments made me think that that I so weak that I allowed my emotions to get the best of me. No athlete wants to be perceived as weak of mind-trust me.

Shouldn't I be beyond this already? The anger kept growing and I kept getting hit over and over again by my practice partners, but somehow there was a small voice in me that agreed with Murat. Why not try and suck it up? I was already losing. Isn't this what I had been working on with the sports psychologist to begin with?

Before the end of practice, I said to myself, "If I can make it there on those Saturday and Sunday afternoons, I could sum up the guts to push it through the tough times." I had to push through it because deep down I knew that Murat was right. It turns out that once I freed myself of those negative emotions and focused squarely on the task at hand, I was able to turn things around and beat my opponent.

When I got back to Rochester, I realized how important his lesson had been and how important it was that I internalized what he said. Something had registered before the end of practice on Sunday, and on Monday's practice the positive effects of what I had learned were apparent. I felt much more confident in my lessons and my bouting. I felt more confident because I really knew, deep down, that I was strong enough to endure in any situation.

RICHMOND

The first national circuit is upon us. I am leaving for Richmond, Virginia, on Thursday and my competition is on Saturday. I'm going early to help Nat coach some of the boys from the club that compete on Friday.

I feel ready but most of all I feel happy. I have made some really big changes mentally, physically, and personally since my "dark period" after World Championships in Torino, Italy just a few months ago. Richmond will be a good marker for how things have progressed technically. If I can keep my head about me and my emotions in check, I will truly be able to use Richmond as a marker of progress.

I SHALL NOT....

Speaking of which I think I should make a mental note of all the things that I shall not do based on the negative things that happened in Torino.

1. I shall not let other people's opinion of my fencing career influence my confidence.

2. I shall not think that my result at the competition determines whether or not I am a good or successful person. (You will be surprised at how big this factor is.)

3. I shall not think that I have to live up to my past.

4. I shall have fun, lots of it.

5. I shall laugh.

6. I shall remember that fencing is only a sport and can only reveal my true self if I allow it not to be clouded by negative thoughts.


You have now entered the mind of an Olympian. Got more than you bargained for?

Well, it's time for bed. I have a fencing lesson at 10am with Nat and many things to do before I leave on Thursday.

I probably won't blog again until after I return from Richmond on Sunday. I'll let you know how it goes. Cross your fingers! :)

FUNDRAISER

The fundraiser I have been trying to put together with the help of Midtown Athletic Club's manager, Glenn William, has finally come to fruition.

January 24th from 7-9pm there will be an Olympic Fencing exhibition at the Midtown Athletic Club in Rochester, NY along with a "denim carnival" theme (I'll explain more about that later). All the proceeds will go to my fencing expenses.

Basically, the event is sponsored in part by L'Avant Garbe, which is a high end clothing store in Rochester. They have an annual denim themed fashion show at Midtown Athletic Club every year and this time fencing is going to be one of the features. Not only will I be in the fencing exhibition but I will also be modeling some jeans in the fashion show. Perhaps it's more motivation to workout and get into great shape?

Also, Chris, the woman who is helping with my promotional materials, is going to be setting me up with posters to sell with the following image.



A part of me can't believe that this is actually happening. We'll see in January how things work out. :)

It's been a while

Hey folks! A quick update. I am currently practicing in Penn State with Doris and others. The Penn State team left today so I'm going to try and convince some of the few still around to fence with me tomorrow.

Update about fundraising. The mailer my friend Chris and I are putting together is in it's final stages. I am still waiting to hear from Midtown Athletic Club about the date for the fundraiser. The woman I spoke to said that they might put the fundraiser in conjunction with another event, the Denim Carnival, in the middle of January. It should be cool, there is going to be a fashion show with denim and they will also feature "Iris the Olympic fencing wonder". Oh my. We will see. It's probably best if the fencing exhibition is at the same time as the denim carnival so that more people will be inclined to show up. Thus is fundraising for a little known sport.

Have a great weekend!

The bigger picture

My Mom asked me today how things were going with training. I told her that I am getting used to losing everyday because I am now losing by smaller margins these days. I also told her that it can sometimes get frustrating to lose to people that I know don't work as hard as I do or put in nearly as much time and effort into their training.

Her answer? "Iris, some people win the lottery and other people work their whole lives and only make ends meet." (Is the fact that my Mom is asian that she reminds me of Mr. Miagi from Karate Kid, or is it because she's just that wise that she reminds me of him?) You have to look at the bigger picture, she said, because it's not like you are going to work with no result in the end of two long years. You just have to keep focused on what your own goals are and not worry about what other people are doing. It may seem that you are getting the raw end of the deal but hard work does and will pay off especially in sports.

Should I tell her that it's not always easy to see that bigger picture when you are at the end of an opponents foil and they just keep hitting you in the chest repeatedly? Although I do have to say that people are doing that less and less now a days.

I know that in life sometimes hardwork doesn't pay off and she's right, sometimes people will work all their life and only make ends meet. The cold hard fact is that life is not always fair and evenly divided. The one thing that I think that may set me apart is that I have what Casey FitzRandolph calls "blind faith". He had blind faith that he would eventually reach his potential of being the best that Casey could be no matter what the circumstances were in that moment.





A couple weeks ago my sports psychologist told me to close my eyes and think of the medal stand. When I did, what popped into my head surprised me. Instead of standing on the podium I was far away from the it with a vast desert that separated me from the podium.



As I keep working I notice when I do the same mental exercise, the desert gets smaller but so does the medal stand-all I see is a vast space of clear sky.
Does that mean the sky's the limit? Or does it mean that the goal of reaching a medal is nice but isn't the ultimate? Am I finally starting to believe that there is a bigger picture? I would like to think so because the new and bigger picture seems so much more beautiful.

Thanksgiving

Usually when everyone thinks of Thanksgiving they think of family gathering together for a feast, football when the meal is done, and copious amounts of food and drink all day long.

I've never been much for the Thanksgiving meal and I don't even like turkey all that much. Sorry but I'm a daughter of immigrants to the country so the whole pilgrims and Indians thing doesn't really resonate with me.

In an effort to enjoy the holiday I've decided that Thanksgiving has a different meaning to me. I'm going to use this holiday as an opportunity to give thanks to the people that have made a difference in my life. The truth is that everyone has been touched by someone that encouraged them at the right moment or lifted them up when no one else would.

Thank you to all my friends, family, and supporters.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

And finally it's time to reveal the BIG SECRET!

Remember a while back I had some big news about the women's foil team?

Well here it is folks!

Starting April 1st the top four women's foilists on the USA ranking list will be living together in Rochester, NY. I have already started to look for places for us to live and thinking about all the possibilities. Do you think the women would do a MTV Real World type confessional for You Tube? Or maybe not.

Mike and Nat, the head coaches of the women's foil team, decided that we couldn't train for Beijing scattered around the US. It would make the most sense, economically and logistically to base ourselves out of Rochester. The city is definitely cheap and has a history of supporting the fencing team and fencing club.

I couldn't publish the details of this earlier because the women hadn't all agreed and we hadn't decided on what date would be the best for our move.

Doris, Emily, Hanna, and I will be living together and training together for a year leading up to Beijing. We are missing one woman from the equation, 2004 Olympian and long time friend and teammate, Erinn Smart. Erinn is choosing to remain in NYC and train with my old coach Buckie Leach.

Well, I can't believe it is actually going to happen. I sort of have to pinch myself when I think about it. In true Iris fashion I have sort of taken this on as a project and started to think of ways to promote and market the women's foil team so we can come up with some funding. All the women are the same boat-we need money to train and travel.

Speaking of which I am going to take a short opportunity to complain once again about my money situation. It's just not coming in as I had hoped and it's getting close to crunch time.

Yesterday I received a bill from the place where I took the MRI of my knee a few months ago. It turns out that my insurance (the athlete insurance I receive from the USOC) doesn't cover the $890 MRI. Great. One more bill and I am not sure if the $80 in my bank account is really going to cover it.

Sorry to complain but it's a situation that is very real to me and I'm getting very close to feeling like I don't have a solution.

On the bright side, the women's foil team is coming to Rochester. This means great things for us and great things for the Rochester Fencing Club. I am very lucky to have such wonderful women as my teammates.

The Weekend

Just a quick note for the weekend.

I'm actually taking some time to explore Rochester with my friend, Rebecca, who is visiting from NYC. Her family and I go way back. Rebecca's family "adopted" me while I lived in NYC to train for the 2004 Games, and we eventually became very close. I miss them and I'm happy to have Reebs up here visiting.

Today Rebecca and I went to Rochester's famed George Eastman House to explore the Kodak founder's mansion. I think we're going to visit the Rochester Memorial Art Gallery tomorrow to see the new Georgia O'Keefe exhibit.

It's great to have a few days off from fencing to hang out with a close friend and explore the city that I grew up in.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Casey FitzRandolph- Olympic Gold Medalist

Okay, okay, I admit that in the past I have profiled athletes that weren't so awesome. Eh hem...cough...cough.....Floyd Landis. I am still shocked and dissapointed to know that Floyd tested positive for performance enhancing drugs after the Tour de France. I do have to make a small note that a recent article came out that the French laboratory made an administrative error in testing Landis' B Sample. Click here for the full report.

BUT I am not here to blog about Floyd Landis, I am here to blog about a truly extraordinary and bloggable athlete named Casey FitzRandolph. (I gave Casey my blog address so he may be blushing at this point. Or at least I hope he's not getting out his hunting crossbow. Eeck!)

Yes, I am here to talk about Casey FitzRandolph, with whom I had an amazing conversation with just two days ago. You can click here to go to his official website to learn more about his speedskating career.

So how and why did I get in touch with a speed skater from the winter olympics?

Well, a while back I was talking to the USOC sports psychologist that I work with and she mentioned that my issues with fencing were similar to another athlete she read about, Casey FitzRandolph. Then she suggested that we talk and the rest is blog history.

Let's see...I can see where she sees some similarity. Casey started skating at age 4 and I started fencing at age 6. Casey was a winning athlete throughout his career until he hit a wall when a new type of skate was implemented, starting to sound familiar? At the time the switch came about Casey was at the top of his game in the world rankings and after the change he fell significantly in the rankings. While it seemed everyone around him was quickly adapting, Casey was still adjusting to the new skates. The story turns out really well for him because he does eventually break through and win a gold medal at the 2002 Salt Lake City Games. I am still on the upward hill of getting used to the new rules of fencing and my story is yet to be written-that is the only difference.

I needed to talk with Casey about the nitty gritty. What was it like to train with athletes that were younger and lose to them repeatedly in practice? Were there days where you thought you could never be good again? What was it like to humble yourself and essentially start over in a sport that you thought you knew like the back of your hand?

The answers he gave? Are you ready for it?

The first answer is HARD WORK. Yeah, who would of thought, trying to be the top in the world is hard work. His mental focus changed after the Nagano Olympics in 1998 to become more about the process and the work it took to perfect his skating technique. He said he worked harder during that period of his career than at any other time.

The other answer he gave was equally as important. He shifted his focus from the medal stand to "being the best that Casey can be". He trained every single day and competed each time with that mentality.

I actually wrote out my version of "be the best Casey can be" and posted it in my locker. The sign reads, "be the best that Iris can be". Yes, I know what you're thinking, "Iris, how much time did it take you to come up with something so original yet stay true to Casey's thought process?" It was tough but it's all about hard work.

So what is "being the best that Iris can be", besides sounding like something from an army recruitment ad? In my mind it means going into practice each day and squeezing out every ounce of my ability because in the end that's all we can truly ask of ourselves.

In Casey's case he worked his way back up and eventually reached the ultimate goal of an Olympic Gold medal. That prompted me to ask, "Casey, at what point did you know that you could be up there and did you trust that you would get there?" His answer was that he worked very hard and had blind faith that the technique would come through, but the goal always remained "be the best that Casey can be on that day and in that moment".

His advice to me at the end of our conversation was to humble myself and start from the beginning. I should take one step at a time in small increments and eventually it will all come together. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I have the patience of a two year old but I get the point. It takes hard work and time-and even then the goal is still about being present in the process.

The best part of talking to Casey was the fact that two people from very different sports could relate to each other about their experiences. I am very grateful for our conversation.

Thanks, Casey!

Rochester

It's getting late and I need to get to bed to start another early day of workouts, but I thought I would get in a quick post.

This post is an ode to Rochester, NY.

The truth is that I had a lot of reservations moving back here and among them was the fact that there isn't a whole lot to do here compared to the other places I've lived, NYC, San Francisco, and Moscow. However, what Rochester lacks in fun events it makes up for in community. I can't think of a better place to find support for my Olympic dreams.

Hillary Clinton's famous phrase is that it takes a village to raise a child but it also takes a village to train for Olympic Games. Believe me, I need all the support I can get. There are so many times when I am out and about in Rochester and someone strikes up a conversation with me and I mention what I'm up to, and then that person takes an interest. Not only do they take an interest but they try their hardest to come up with ways that they could help me or put me in touch with someone that could help me raise money, find a job, etc.

When I was training in New York City people used to throw money at me for my fencing. Often times that money came with some sort of attachment or at the very worst an "ownership". One woman after giving making a donation demanded that I coach her child. On the other hand, in Rochester, people may not always have as much money but they are always willing to support me in any way that they can. Deanna at Brow Diva did my make-up for free for the photo shoot. Rob, the photographer of the lovely photos I posted, didn't charge me for the time it took to take the shots. Chris Burleigh, another friend is not charging me for the time she takes to put together promotional packets. Yet another friend, Gayle Cavan, is a massage therapists and doesn't ever charge more than twenty dollars for her hour long massages. The athletic club where I work out has provided me with a free membership. The list continues because there isn't a day that goes by that I am not extermely thankful for something someone has done for me.

Thank you, Rochester. :)


I have no update for you about the women's foilists just yet. However, I did set up a conference call with the current women's foil team and some former women's foil team members for tomorrow night. I thought it would be great for the new generation and the older generation to get to know each other and be able to ask some questions about what it's like to commit to training for an Olympic team.

Have a great Monday everyone!

More photos

I took some photos today for promotional material and I've posted a few here on the blog.







Thanks go out to:

Chris Burleigh from Write Type Publishing
Rob Kalnitz who took the photos
Deanna Netti-Cahill from Brow Diva

Women's Foil Team

A few blog posts back I mentioned that I have big news about the women's foil team. Although I can't tell everyone yet until I get the go ahead from the head coaches, but I can say that there are big things happening. In the mean time enjoy the photos from our trip to Valencia, Venezuela!

Pictures from Venezuela

A few photos of the USA women's foil team and our coaches.

To see more photos of our trip to Venezuela please click here.

You are more than what you eat and the separation of sport and self

Have you ever heard of that saying, “you are what you eat”? Ultimately I don’t think I’m the bagel I ate this morning but I guess you can be the judge of whether or not I’m a circular object with a hole in the middle. I shouldn’t be eating bagels but that’s all I had, so sue me USOC sports nutritionist!

So, Iris, what’s the point because I don’t really care what you had for breakfast? Defining oneself through results and winning is the predicament that most if not all top level athletes experience and have to work through. It’s much easier to be the young athlete who has nothing to lose than the older athlete who believes that they are only worth their latest result.

On Saturday one of my closest friends struggled through the Penn State Open competition and had a break down similar to the one I had in Torino just a few weeks ago. Her words were similar to mine, “I should be winning otherwise I’m a failure, I’m a fencer and if I can’t do this then I can’t do anything right, etc.” Anyone else recognize this lovely wasteland of negative self-talk?

It was interesting that no sooner did I figure out how to deal with losing and learning over again does someone else come up to me with the same problem. Struggling with fear and doubt is something pretty universal, especially when you are a top-level athlete that won’t settle for anything less than gold. Whatever happened to the learning process that we went through as youth? The false expectation becomes, you have nothing else to learn when you are the best. If that’s true, why did Michael Jordan, at the top of his game, train harder than he ever did? He didn’t have anything to prove but he knew he still had a lot to learn.

My friend has a lot of goals she wants to accomplish, making the NCAA team for Penn State, making the junior team, etc. She has placed all these very heavy things on her shoulders and in the end it has proven to weigh her down instead of inspire her to work. I think a lot of it has to do with self-identification and part of the title of this blog- the separation of sport and self.

At what point do we forget the goal as a task rather than a value judgment? When do sports cross the line from being a personal goal to just being personal? Yes, competition does bring out the character in us but at the same time it shouldn’t be the only way that we as athletes look at ourselves. We can use sports as a tool but not as an absolute opinion because we aren’t just athletes, but we are much more-a student, a girlfriend, a daughter, a friend, and multiple of other layers that are just as important as our athletic performances.

The point is, human beings are complex people (well, most of us) and we can be defined by more than just what we eat or do because in the end everything is added up as an extension of ourselves. Am I spouting existentialist theory? Perhaps partially, but it’s important for athletes to undo any type of tunnel vision they may have in order to maintain a healthy perspective while working hard towards their goals. As I say all this I admit that it’s very difficult because I put everything I have into making the Olympic team but if I have learned anything from Nat or the sports psychologist, it is that the enjoyment of the process is more important than the end result because if you can manage to enjoy what you are doing in the moment than you already are a success.

We are....Penn State!

I'm making a trip to Penn State University for the Penn State Open collegiate competition. Although I'm not competing many of my friends are so, I'm driving the 3 and a half hours to State College to watch them fence and have some much needed fun. It's been a crazy couple of months of none stop training and it's time for a short break.

Nat and I spent two hours today discussing strategy for the next few weeks leading up to the North American Cup (NAC) in Richmond, VA. After that I practiced, took a lesson, and met with some friends to discuss fundraising strategies. After all this I realized that I truly needed a break from fencing. For a few days I can hang out with my friends and yes, they are fencing friends but they are like family anyways and capable of talking about subjects besides fencing. The best part about this weekend is that I'm just being another twenty something, having fun, and going out.

Not to mention the benefit of having some time to visit with my wonderful women's foil team-Emily, Doris, and Hanna. We are all very excited to see each other again so soon. I think I've sent them all an email each day since we've been back from Venezuela. Do you have those friends you just HAVE to call up when you just see something funny, or you've just done something stupid, or thought of a great idea, or even heard a cool song? Yeah, that's us, the women's foil team. I'm so grateful that these ladies are in my corner.

Speaking of which I haven't told y'all the story of Mama Bear yet. On one of the rides back to the hotel from the venue in Venezuela, one of the fencers from the USA team noticed the team dynamic and noted how close we all were. He also mentioned our different roles, "Iris is the Mama Bear to the team, Hanna is like the crazy single aunt, and Doris and Emily are the Baby Bears." I love this analogy because it perfectly defines all the roles we take on in the group. I'm definitely flattered to be the Mama Bear and as any good Mama would say, I hope I can show them how much they mean to me.

i'm off to State College to see my girls! I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Venezuela results

Individual result: 11th
Team result: 2nd

Sorry it took me so long to post but I was having trouble posting in Venezuela.

I just got back to Rochester this afternoon, just in time to hand out candy to the kids in my neighborhood. Trick or treat!

Folks, big things are happening to the USA women's foil team. I can't really tell you guys everything at this moment until it's been confirmed but something big is happening. You will have to stay tuned to find out-it may take a week or several weeks depending on the answers we get. This will impact a lot of my life and even my fundraising strategies. I hope you're on the edge of your seat because you should be.

Since I can't talk about the team I have a few things to mention about my individual result at the Pan-American zonal competition. This competition went a lot better than Torino, in that I felt a lot more relaxed and confident. The work I've been doing with the sports psychologist made a big difference and it became clear that mental preparation is just as important as physical preparation. It only took me twenty years of training to figure that out.

Nat and I are planning the next month and a half of training with a focus on the national tournament in Richmond, Virginia on December 9th. There are many things to work on and I can't wait to start.