Le Fin

I haven't blogged in a long time on purpose. It wasn't that I didn't have a lot to tell people, it was quite the opposite, but I didn't know how to tell people what was happening in my world.

A little over a week ago I cut my European experience short. Actually, my sister and a few of my friends decided that enough was enough and I had to come home.

So, what do I mean? This isn't the easiest to tell people who have supported me but I feel as though I owe people an explanation.

Many folks in the fencing community think I left the Olympic qualification because I had a melt down. After going for three Olympic teams-I thought they would know me better by now. Melt down isn't the word I would use.

I have had a long history of depression both in myself and my family. The added stress of making the team aggravated it but it wasn't the sole reason for having to come home. I also have what shrinks like to call post-traumatic stress disorder. The reasons for this diagnosis is not something I am willing to share over the internet. I'm an open person but I have yet to deal with the root of this problem so it's all very raw and very new for me.

While staying in Europe and traveling to competitions, there came a point that I was no longer safe and capable of taking care of myself. My sister took a vacation from her job (something she never does) and came to be at my side at each European tournament I went to.

When my condition started to worsen my closest friends, my therapist, and my sister most importantly, told me it was time to go home. I had to choose between fighting for the Olympic team or fighting to save my own life. So, Felicia bought me a ticket from Poland to Rochester and I was not allowed to look back. I still have half of my things in the apartment in Hungary, that's how quickly I left Europe. Needless to say, the trip home was a very long and painful one because I didn't want to go home but I knew that I had to. The only reason I boarded that plane was for my sister and not for myself because I felt that I had truly failed.

This new journey and this new battle that I have embarked upon since my return to Rochester has to be the hardest thing I have done thus far. With time I am coming to realize that returning to Rochester and going for another team is only secondary to this bigger challege of seeking help and getting better.

As for the next steps. There is still an outside chance to be a part of the Olympic team but it's not even about that anymore. I am going to attend the last qualification tournament in Marseille, France just to finish things up. My mother, who has never been to a European world cup to watch me fence before, is coming with me to add support and happiness to the situation. Although this illness is particulary hard on my family it has brought us all steps closer and bonded us together stronger than I ever imagined. There are always positive things that come out of negative places.

As for me-I know I will be fine in the end. Knowing and believing in the future and in happiness is not an easy task for someone like me but I'm starting to believe. It hurts to think that after all this work that I won't go to Beijing but the important part is finding out about my own illness and working through that. Or at least I am told.

I'm still unsure of whether or not I will blog. I will continue to write but the writing will be very different and much more personal than what I have done here. With depression or post-traumatic stress disorder, all these types of issues, are difficult to describe because they are unique to each person. I do not expect even my family to understand what is going on because it's not something as simple as breaking an arm-this is a much more complicated issue.

I am so thankful for all the support I have been given both in my journey for Beijing and for my current journey with this illness. Nothing is easy and I am taking this one day at a time, one step at a time. Thank you again to all my friends and family for providing me with the only true anecdote--love.

slow start

Just like the weekends here in Hungary, I had a slow start to my world cup progress. I didn't do well last weekend in Serbia which I personally attribute to the jitters. Even seasoned athletes can get a case of the nerves.

A good friend of mine, who is a very successful fencer, told me he often considers bad results to be a fluke and good results to be the norm. Positive thinking is a must in sports-it's a must in a lot of things. I will definitely take his advice since he just took a silver medal at a recent world cup.

Right now I am spending the week getting ready for the next world cup which is this weekend in Salzburg, Austria. I'm excited to see my sister Felicia, who will be stopping by Austria on her way to London. Apparently we are a family of travelers and of never sitting still.

This week I decided that I had enough food from the Turkish restaurant downstairs and felt like this was a good week to cook my own food. Last night a few friends and I made a chicken dinner for the team and this evening I made some pasta with meat sauce for myself and my roommate. Cooking really makes you feel like this place is home and each day that goes by I feel more and more comfortable in my surroundings here in Hungary. It's too bad that I can't speak his language-and I thought I was good at picking up different languages.

Our team get together included some members of the US men's sabre team. It turns out that they aren't too bad at charades and Pictionary.

There is much work to be done and I should get offline to catch some zzzz's (a letter they use a lot here in Budapest).

Big hugs to my family and friends in the states.

Saturday and Sundays in Europe

It seems as though much of the city is closed on the weekend except for bars and night clubs. My teammate thought it was probably a good thing that things close so that you are forced to hang out with your family. I am not sure if "forced" is a good word for it but that's the reality. I forget that outside of the United States, there aren't many countries that believe in 24 hour/7 day a week convenience.

Today's tasks include trying to find a gym to work out at. That is no easy task considering that everything is always closed. I'm just glad that I know enough yoga to do a practice/workout in the mornings at the apartment I am staying at.

My roommate arrived yesterday afternoon and it's great having someone around. Although I do have to admit that I am not the greatest at being quiet and tip toeing around when they are still asleep. I think one of my sister's old roommate's used to call me T-Rex when I went to visit her. Meaning that I have the tendency to stomp around the house and wake everyone up.

There isn't much else going on this morning. The one thing that I do have to accomplish today is figuring out the washer/dryer combination. I can't seem to get the thing to dry my clothes. Yesterday my clothes were spining on the "dry mode" for about 160 minutes and they still came out hot and wet. Not a good combination. Oh well.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

I'm heeerrreeee!!!

I have arrived in Budapest. I just landed about three hours ago and I finished unpacking about thirty minutes ago. It took me about three days to pack and about a half an hour to unpack all my things. The woman at the Delta desk that checked me in at the Rochester airport was very interested in the fact that I could pack so much that one of my bags weighed 75 pounds just by itself. Maybe it's the jar of peanut butter or maybe all the power bars I brought? The good thing is that most of the stuff in my bags I won't be taking back since it's almost all food and snacks for the competitions.

Anyways, I am definitely jet lagged. My plan for today is as follows: grocery store, meditation and some stretching, and then a much needed nap. I know napping isn't so great for jet lag but I think I've earned it. I'm meeting the rest of the team across the Danube tonight for dinner.

I'm truly excited to be here in Budapest. The weather is great and outside of my window I can see the National Museum of Hungary. :) Sometimes this fencing gig really pays off.

Euro Trip

I haven't blogged in a while so I feel like I should make up with two blogs this evening. Actually, the truth is I have big news. I'm moving to Budapest, Hungary tomorrow until March 17th.




Myself and four other girls will be using Budapest as a central location in Europe in order to travel to our tournaments. These world cups that we will be attending count towards Olympic qualification. So, the short answer folks, after these tournaments we will know who is going to Beijing in August.

The team will be determined on April 1st and will be officially announced at the national competition in Portland, Oregon on April 27th.

The world cup schedule:

Feb 9-10 Belgrade, Serbia
Feb 16-17 Salzburg Austria
Feb 23-24 Leipzig, Germany
Feb 29-March 1 Gdansk, Poland
Mar 5-7 St. Petersburg Russia
Mar 15-16 Budapest, Hungary
(move back home between Budapest and Marseille)
Mar 29-30 World Cup Marseille, France


I hope everyone is as excited as I am! The flight leaves from Rochester at 2pm tomorrow afternoon and I should be landing in Budapest at 8:05am which is 1am on the east coast.

My hope is to blog while I am overseas-I love the fact that the apartment has wireless internet! Let's hear it for modern technology and the ability to stay in touch even if you are in Budapest.

Recap on Atlanta/Speak into my good ear

Just to remind everyone-I fenced in a National tournament almost two weeks ago in Atlanta, Georgia.

It's the first tournament since I have been back that I really felt ready for-physically, mentally, etc. However, my ear did not feel the same way about the situation. "Huh?" You might say, let me explain.

It all started just a week before I was supposed to leave....

I woke up one morning with swelling on the cartilidge of my right ear. It sort of looked like a cross between a bug bite gone wrong and something a wrestler would get. Apparently I'm wrestling in my sleep?

Anyways, I spent the week at practice with very little discomfort even though the mask was right up against my ear. The thought to go to the doctor did cross my mind, but I wanted to wait a little bit and maybe the swelling would go down on it's own.

No.

About a week later and a day before I leave for Atlanta, I saw a ear, nose, and throat (ENT) specialist. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. The ENT looked at me and said, you have swelling in your ear and you can't fence for about a week or two after I lance it and take care of it. What? No. Way. I did not have the time to just wait around for this thing to heal and what about it is such a big deal?

The doctor warned me that it could get worse and if left untreated my ear would be somewhat deformed for life (think of caulliflower ear...ew..). Scary thought, but I had to fence the competition. To which he replied, "Well, we all make choices in our life, don't we." Yeah, we do, and I chose at that moment to walk away from the office and set up an appointment to get my ear drained as soon as I get back from Atlanta.

That's when the real drama began. After I warmed up and fenced my first bout, my ear just swelled up more and more. The thing had swollen up to a size of a small egg in the cartilidge of my ear. The pain at that point was unbelievable it was at that point the trainer told me that I might have to pull out of the competition. To which I responded with tears and probably a few choice words.

I thought about it and I decided that I would rather cut my ear off than stop fencing in the tournament. Was it the adrenaline talking? There was no way that I would be held back by something as crazy as an "ear injury". I was very angry and subsequently beat people in my first round pool rather badly. I was not a happy camper but anger can be very helpful during competition.

The saga continued. Throughout the day the ear got worse and I couldn't put my mask on without A LOT of pain. So, the trainers and my physical therapist rigged a bolster to be put around my ear and wrapped around my head like some head injury victim. It was truly amazing-I thought I looked like a vet from those old WWII movies. I had to have someone help me put my mask on and I looked absolutely ridiculous. I didn't care about the look but fencing with extra padding in my mask was none too comfortable.

I ended up sixth overall and I lost to the girl that eventually won the competition. Amazing that I did that well considering my ear was exploding! After I lost my match in the top-eight I left for the nearest emergency room to drain my ear. There was no way that I would get on a plane with a very swollen and painful right ear. I just couldn't believe my luck that day.

To make the long story a little shorter. The nurse at the ER drained about two teaspoons of blood from my ear (um, without waiting for the novicaine to kick in before she cut into it with a scalpel). The next day I got off the plane in Rochester and headed right over to the ENT who cut it open again and placed a tight bolster on it so that it could heal. I didn't fence for all of last week because I couldn't put a mask on.

After the ENT took the stiches and bloster out I had to come up with a way to put my mask on without irritating the ear. This actually proved to be more of a challenge than I thought. I went to a guy that makes prosthesis for a living and he couldn't think of anything except to put some sort of ski headgear on to protect the ear. He also thought about some wrestlers head gear-there was no way any of that was going to fit underneath my mask along with my large melon head. I also thought of a hundred different things and rejected them all including my Dad's suggestion to put a jar lid on my ear. Who knows what he was thinking? What has worked so far is wearing a bandana that ties my ear back so I can slip the mask on and off without doing much damage.

The things we go through.

At least the bandana makes me look somewhat scary or maybe just looks like I'm about to do some house work/serious dusting. Either way-it covers up my poor little/swollen right ear.

A hard day's work

I got home today from practice and didn't say a word to my parents. It was almost as if I was in some sort of dream state after two practices and a workout with my trainer. Towards the end of the lesson at 6:30 today I wasn't in a mood to say anything but I think my coach got the point when I felt like I couldn't take another step. Sometimes I think athletes truly get to know their bodies well through pain. I think each of the four muscles of the quadraceps have been asking me to take a break. I wish I could convince them to move so I can get a cup of tea from downstairs.

I will definitely start tapering soon as I have a competiton coming up on Monday. I'm leaving for Atlanta on Saturday and fencing on Monday-fingers crossed everyone. I like to leave a few days early to get some lessons from my coach at the fencing venue. I'm a fan of Atlanta and that southern sweet tea (just don't tell my trainer if I have some). Maybe the extra sugar will add a boost to my lunges? We'll just go with that train of thought.

Speaking of athletes and bodies-how can I go another day without mentioning the sad goings on of Marion Jones? First of all, some of the headlines call her the ex-Olympian. This woman, no matter what she did, is still an Olympian. She is an extraordinary athlete and she made that team and if you are an Olympian, you are always an Olympian. How can you be an ex Olympian? Are you an ex-Oscar winner? I think the person who wrote that was probably not an athlete.

I know that a lot of you out there feel as though she got what was coming to her. I agree that she has made some seriously bad choices but I honestly feel badly for this woman. I think that it's easy for an athlete to get caught up in so many things. We expect so much from these athletes and when they don't deliver it's almost worst than having to give back those medals a few years later. Maybe it isn't worse than six months in jail, but it is still pretty bad to feel like you are a major dissapointment.

As for Marion, I am not sure what she was doing in the check fraud scam. Again, I think it was hard for her to handle her own affairs as she spent all her life as an athlete with a singular focus. The truth is, how many athletes out there are really that smart? Just because you are good at something, famous, or have money-it doesn't mean that the hamster is on it's wheel, if you know what I mean.

Speaking of hamsters of the wheel, this brings me to Roger Clemens. This guy and his B-12 gluteous maximus injections. Can't he just take a pill like the rest of us? I think they sell B-12 in pill form at most vitamin shops and grocery stores..I think Target even sells their own version of B-12. Instead he has to get injected after a workout. Hmmm....eat a banana or something.

But, here again I don't place full blame on Clemens. I think in part we are all to blame. There is significant amount of pressure that is placed on athlete performance. Not that there shouldn't be since there getting paid, but there is so much pressure. Would you like people coming to where you work and heckling you from beside your desk? And if you don't close that deal that day or you were goofing of and googling your co-workers, you will be scrutinized in the newspaper the next day, or even worse, just fired right off the bat. All I ask is for just a moment we take the athlete into consideration. What would cause an athlete to be so desparate that they would inject steroids into their system that could potential compromise their quality of life?

Alright, I'm off the soapbox and I'm off to bed. I know it's only ten but it's been a long day. I haven't had any B-12 injections so I need to do the normal person thing and sleep enough hours to recover.

Get the ball rolling

The countdown begins until the women's foil team moves to Budapest for the Olympic qualification process. Five women are going to use Budapest as our central training location and we will be traveling each weekend, for seven weekends in a row, to different cities for world cups. Each world cup will count towards the selection process for the US Olympic team.

I can't believe how things are coming down to the wire. Our flight to Budapest is on the 31st of this month! It really is 2008 and the Olympics are really this year.

This train of thought got me onto another train of thought a bit separate from this. I know a year from now that my life will be so different. For one thing I think (and I hope) I won't be living with my parents. My life of being a high school teenager again will be over. Se la vie-we must move out at some point and I probably overstayed my visit. I know I shouldn't be thinking so far ahead but I can't imagine life without fencing-that's something I am going to have to decide as well. Will this be the last run?

Anyways, I shouldn't be on that train of thought too long. It's this time and this moment that are the most important and the most exciting. It really is almost time to get this process going.

Before I end this short entry and head to sleep for my required 8 hours a night, I just like to say again how excited I am that things are coming together. Also, isn't it funny how the Olympic race is sort of running paralell to the presidential race? And after the speech I gave last week at the golf club, my father is convinced that I will run for president. No, thank you.

Hope everyone is having a great week! Remember, it's almost the weekend.