Citius Altius Fortius

Le Fin

2008-03-12T20:13:00.005-04:00

I haven't blogged in a long time on purpose. It wasn't that I didn't have a lot to tell people, it was quite the opposite, but I didn't know how to tell people what was happening in my world.

A little over a week ago I cut my European experience short. Actually, my sister and a few of my friends decided that enough was enough and I had to come home.

So, what do I mean? This isn't the easiest to tell people who have supported me but I feel as though I owe people an explanation.

Many folks in the fencing community think I left the Olympic qualification because I had a melt down. After going for three Olympic teams-I thought they would know me better by now. Melt down isn't the word I would use.

I have had a long history of depression both in myself and my family. The added stress of making the team aggravated it but it wasn't the sole reason for having to come home. I also have what shrinks like to call post-traumatic stress disorder. The reasons for this diagnosis is not something I am willing to share over the internet. I'm an open person but I have yet to deal with the root of this problem so it's all very raw and very new for me.

While staying in Europe and traveling to competitions, there came a point that I was no longer safe and capable of taking care of myself. My sister took a vacation from her job (something she never does) and came to be at my side at each European tournament I went to.

When my condition started to worsen my closest friends, my therapist, and my sister most importantly, told me it was time to go home. I had to choose between fighting for the Olympic team or fighting to save my own life. So, Felicia bought me a ticket from Poland to Rochester and I was not allowed to look back. I still have half of my things in the apartment in Hungary, that's how quickly I left Europe. Needless to say, the trip home was a very long and painful one because I didn't want to go home but I knew that I had to. The only reason I boarded that plane was for my sister and not for myself because I felt that I had truly failed.

This new journey and this new battle that I have embarked upon since my return to Rochester has to be the hardest thing I have done thus far. With time I am coming to realize that returning to Rochester and going for another team is only secondary to this bigger challege of seeking help and getting better.

As for the next steps. There is still an outside chance to be a part of the Olympic team but it's not even about that anymore. I am going to attend the last qualification tournament in Marseille, France just to finish things up. My mother, who has never been to a European world cup to watch me fence before, is coming with me to add support and happiness to the situation. Although this illness is particulary hard on my family it has brought us all steps closer and bonded us together stronger than I ever imagined. There are always positive things that come out of negative places.

As for me-I know I will be fine in the end. Knowing and believing in the future and in happiness is not an easy task for someone like me but I'm starting to believe. It hurts to think that after all this work that I won't go to Beijing but the important part is finding out about my own illness and working through that. Or at least I am told.

I'm still unsure of whether or not I will blog. I will continue to write but the writing will be very different and much more personal than what I have done here. With depression or post-traumatic stress disorder, all these types of issues, are difficult to describe because they are unique to each person. I do not expect even my family to understand what is going on because it's not something as simple as breaking an arm-this is a much more complicated issue.

I am so thankful for all the support I have been given both in my journey for Beijing and for my current journey with this illness. Nothing is easy and I am taking this one day at a time, one step at a time. Thank you again to all my friends and family for providing me with the only true anecdote--love.

slow start

2008-02-12T16:14:00.000-05:00

Just like the weekends here in Hungary, I had a slow start to my world cup progress. I didn't do well last weekend in Serbia which I personally attribute to the jitters. Even seasoned athletes can get a case of the nerves.

A good friend of mine, who is a very successful fencer, told me he often considers bad results to be a fluke and good results to be the norm. Positive thinking is a must in sports-it's a must in a lot of things. I will definitely take his advice since he just took a silver medal at a recent world cup.

Right now I am spending the week getting ready for the next world cup which is this weekend in Salzburg, Austria. I'm excited to see my sister Felicia, who will be stopping by Austria on her way to London. Apparently we are a family of travelers and of never sitting still.

This week I decided that I had enough food from the Turkish restaurant downstairs and felt like this was a good week to cook my own food. Last night a few friends and I made a chicken dinner for the team and this evening I made some pasta with meat sauce for myself and my roommate. Cooking really makes you feel like this place is home and each day that goes by I feel more and more comfortable in my surroundings here in Hungary. It's too bad that I can't speak his language-and I thought I was good at picking up different languages.

Our team get together included some members of the US men's sabre team. It turns out that they aren't too bad at charades and Pictionary.

There is much work to be done and I should get offline to catch some zzzz's (a letter they use a lot here in Budapest).

Big hugs to my family and friends in the states.

Saturday and Sundays in Europe

2008-02-03T04:24:00.000-05:00

It seems as though much of the city is closed on the weekend except for bars and night clubs. My teammate thought it was probably a good thing that things close so that you are forced to hang out with your family. I am not sure if "forced" is a good word for it but that's the reality. I forget that outside of the United States, there aren't many countries that believe in 24 hour/7 day a week convenience.

Today's tasks include trying to find a gym to work out at. That is no easy task considering that everything is always closed. I'm just glad that I know enough yoga to do a practice/workout in the mornings at the apartment I am staying at.

My roommate arrived yesterday afternoon and it's great having someone around. Although I do have to admit that I am not the greatest at being quiet and tip toeing around when they are still asleep. I think one of my sister's old roommate's used to call me T-Rex when I went to visit her. Meaning that I have the tendency to stomp around the house and wake everyone up.

There isn't much else going on this morning. The one thing that I do have to accomplish today is figuring out the washer/dryer combination. I can't seem to get the thing to dry my clothes. Yesterday my clothes were spining on the "dry mode" for about 160 minutes and they still came out hot and wet. Not a good combination. Oh well.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

I'm heeerrreeee!!!

2008-02-01T04:17:00.000-05:00

I have arrived in Budapest. I just landed about three hours ago and I finished unpacking about thirty minutes ago. It took me about three days to pack and about a half an hour to unpack all my things. The woman at the Delta desk that checked me in at the Rochester airport was very interested in the fact that I could pack so much that one of my bags weighed 75 pounds just by itself. Maybe it's the jar of peanut butter or maybe all the power bars I brought? The good thing is that most of the stuff in my bags I won't be taking back since it's almost all food and snacks for the competitions.

Anyways, I am definitely jet lagged. My plan for today is as follows: grocery store, meditation and some stretching, and then a much needed nap. I know napping isn't so great for jet lag but I think I've earned it. I'm meeting the rest of the team across the Danube tonight for dinner.

I'm truly excited to be here in Budapest. The weather is great and outside of my window I can see the National Museum of Hungary. :) Sometimes this fencing gig really pays off.

Euro Trip

2008-01-30T22:55:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged in a while so I feel like I should make up with two blogs this evening. Actually, the truth is I have big news. I'm moving to Budapest, Hungary tomorrow until March 17th.

Myself and four other girls will be using Budapest as a central location in Europe in order to travel to our tournaments. These world cups that we will be attending count towards Olympic qualification. So, the short answer folks, after these tournaments we will know who is going to Beijing in August.

The team will be determined on April 1st and will be officially announced at the national competition in Portland, Oregon on April 27th.

The world cup schedule:

Feb 9-10 Belgrade, Serbia
Feb 16-17 Salzburg Austria
Feb 23-24 Leipzig, Germany
Feb 29-March 1 Gdansk, Poland
Mar 5-7 St. Petersburg Russia
Mar 15-16 Budapest, Hungary
(move back home between Budapest and Marseille)
Mar 29-30 World Cup Marseille, France

I hope everyone is as excited as I am! The flight leaves from Rochester at 2pm tomorrow afternoon and I should be landing in Budapest at 8:05am which is 1am on the east coast.

My hope is to blog while I am overseas-I love the fact that the apartment has wireless internet! Let's hear it for modern technology and the ability to stay in touch even if you are in Budapest.

Recap on Atlanta/Speak into my good ear

2008-01-30T22:06:00.001-05:00

Just to remind everyone-I fenced in a National tournament almost two weeks ago in Atlanta, Georgia.

It's the first tournament since I have been back that I really felt ready for-physically, mentally, etc. However, my ear did not feel the same way about the situation. "Huh?" You might say, let me explain.

It all started just a week before I was supposed to leave....

I woke up one morning with swelling on the cartilidge of my right ear. It sort of looked like a cross between a bug bite gone wrong and something a wrestler would get. Apparently I'm wrestling in my sleep?

Anyways, I spent the week at practice with very little discomfort even though the mask was right up against my ear. The thought to go to the doctor did cross my mind, but I wanted to wait a little bit and maybe the swelling would go down on it's own.

No.

About a week later and a day before I leave for Atlanta, I saw a ear, nose, and throat (ENT) specialist. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. The ENT looked at me and said, you have swelling in your ear and you can't fence for about a week or two after I lance it and take care of it. What? No. Way. I did not have the time to just wait around for this thing to heal and what about it is such a big deal?

The doctor warned me that it could get worse and if left untreated my ear would be somewhat deformed for life (think of caulliflower ear...ew..). Scary thought, but I had to fence the competition. To which he replied, "Well, we all make choices in our life, don't we." Yeah, we do, and I chose at that moment to walk away from the office and set up an appointment to get my ear drained as soon as I get back from Atlanta.

That's when the real drama began. After I warmed up and fenced my first bout, my ear just swelled up more and more. The thing had swollen up to a size of a small egg in the cartilidge of my ear. The pain at that point was unbelievable it was at that point the trainer told me that I might have to pull out of the competition. To which I responded with tears and probably a few choice words.

I thought about it and I decided that I would rather cut my ear off than stop fencing in the tournament. Was it the adrenaline talking? There was no way that I would be held back by something as crazy as an "ear injury". I was very angry and subsequently beat people in my first round pool rather badly. I was not a happy camper but anger can be very helpful during competition.

The saga continued. Throughout the day the ear got worse and I couldn't put my mask on without A LOT of pain. So, the trainers and my physical therapist rigged a bolster to be put around my ear and wrapped around my head like some head injury victim. It was truly amazing-I thought I looked like a vet from those old WWII movies. I had to have someone help me put my mask on and I looked absolutely ridiculous. I didn't care about the look but fencing with extra padding in my mask was none too comfortable.

I ended up sixth overall and I lost to the girl that eventually won the competition. Amazing that I did that well considering my ear was exploding! After I lost my match in the top-eight I left for the nearest emergency room to drain my ear. There was no way that I would get on a plane with a very swollen and painful right ear. I just couldn't believe my luck that day.

To make the long story a little shorter. The nurse at the ER drained about two teaspoons of blood from my ear (um, without waiting for the novicaine to kick in before she cut into it with a scalpel). The next day I got off the plane in Rochester and headed right over to the ENT who cut it open again and placed a tight bolster on it so that it could heal. I didn't fence for all of last week because I couldn't put a mask on.

After the ENT took the stiches and bloster out I had to come up with a way to put my mask on without irritating the ear. This actually proved to be more of a challenge than I thought. I went to a guy that makes prosthesis for a living and he couldn't think of anything except to put some sort of ski headgear on to protect the ear. He also thought about some wrestlers head gear-there was no way any of that was going to fit underneath my mask along with my large melon head. I also thought of a hundred different things and rejected them all including my Dad's suggestion to put a jar lid on my ear. Who knows what he was thinking? What has worked so far is wearing a bandana that ties my ear back so I can slip the mask on and off without doing much damage.

The things we go through.

At least the bandana makes me look somewhat scary or maybe just looks like I'm about to do some house work/serious dusting. Either way-it covers up my poor little/swollen right ear.

A hard day's work

2008-01-15T21:34:00.000-05:00

I got home today from practice and didn't say a word to my parents. It was almost as if I was in some sort of dream state after two practices and a workout with my trainer. Towards the end of the lesson at 6:30 today I wasn't in a mood to say anything but I think my coach got the point when I felt like I couldn't take another step. Sometimes I think athletes truly get to know their bodies well through pain. I think each of the four muscles of the quadraceps have been asking me to take a break. I wish I could convince them to move so I can get a cup of tea from downstairs.

I will definitely start tapering soon as I have a competiton coming up on Monday. I'm leaving for Atlanta on Saturday and fencing on Monday-fingers crossed everyone. I like to leave a few days early to get some lessons from my coach at the fencing venue. I'm a fan of Atlanta and that southern sweet tea (just don't tell my trainer if I have some). Maybe the extra sugar will add a boost to my lunges? We'll just go with that train of thought.

Speaking of athletes and bodies-how can I go another day without mentioning the sad goings on of Marion Jones? First of all, some of the headlines call her the ex-Olympian. This woman, no matter what she did, is still an Olympian. She is an extraordinary athlete and she made that team and if you are an Olympian, you are always an Olympian. How can you be an ex Olympian? Are you an ex-Oscar winner? I think the person who wrote that was probably not an athlete.

I know that a lot of you out there feel as though she got what was coming to her. I agree that she has made some seriously bad choices but I honestly feel badly for this woman. I think that it's easy for an athlete to get caught up in so many things. We expect so much from these athletes and when they don't deliver it's almost worst than having to give back those medals a few years later. Maybe it isn't worse than six months in jail, but it is still pretty bad to feel like you are a major dissapointment.

As for Marion, I am not sure what she was doing in the check fraud scam. Again, I think it was hard for her to handle her own affairs as she spent all her life as an athlete with a singular focus. The truth is, how many athletes out there are really that smart? Just because you are good at something, famous, or have money-it doesn't mean that the hamster is on it's wheel, if you know what I mean.

Speaking of hamsters of the wheel, this brings me to Roger Clemens. This guy and his B-12 gluteous maximus injections. Can't he just take a pill like the rest of us? I think they sell B-12 in pill form at most vitamin shops and grocery stores..I think Target even sells their own version of B-12. Instead he has to get injected after a workout. Hmmm....eat a banana or something.

But, here again I don't place full blame on Clemens. I think in part we are all to blame. There is significant amount of pressure that is placed on athlete performance. Not that there shouldn't be since there getting paid, but there is so much pressure. Would you like people coming to where you work and heckling you from beside your desk? And if you don't close that deal that day or you were goofing of and googling your co-workers, you will be scrutinized in the newspaper the next day, or even worse, just fired right off the bat. All I ask is for just a moment we take the athlete into consideration. What would cause an athlete to be so desparate that they would inject steroids into their system that could potential compromise their quality of life?

Alright, I'm off the soapbox and I'm off to bed. I know it's only ten but it's been a long day. I haven't had any B-12 injections so I need to do the normal person thing and sleep enough hours to recover.

Get the ball rolling

2008-01-09T22:28:00.000-05:00

The countdown begins until the women's foil team moves to Budapest for the Olympic qualification process. Five women are going to use Budapest as our central training location and we will be traveling each weekend, for seven weekends in a row, to different cities for world cups. Each world cup will count towards the selection process for the US Olympic team.

I can't believe how things are coming down to the wire. Our flight to Budapest is on the 31st of this month! It really is 2008 and the Olympics are really this year.

This train of thought got me onto another train of thought a bit separate from this. I know a year from now that my life will be so different. For one thing I think (and I hope) I won't be living with my parents. My life of being a high school teenager again will be over. Se la vie-we must move out at some point and I probably overstayed my visit. I know I shouldn't be thinking so far ahead but I can't imagine life without fencing-that's something I am going to have to decide as well. Will this be the last run?

Anyways, I shouldn't be on that train of thought too long. It's this time and this moment that are the most important and the most exciting. It really is almost time to get this process going.

Before I end this short entry and head to sleep for my required 8 hours a night, I just like to say again how excited I am that things are coming together. Also, isn't it funny how the Olympic race is sort of running paralell to the presidential race? And after the speech I gave last week at the golf club, my father is convinced that I will run for president. No, thank you.

Hope everyone is having a great week! Remember, it's almost the weekend.

On this day

2008-01-06T22:26:00.000-05:00

On this day 27 years ago Iris Zimmermann was born at Genesee Hospital in Rochester, NY. Yes folks, it was my birthday today and what a birthday it was.

This morning I woke up early to do my usual Sunday morning meditation with a local Zen Buddhist group. What a great way to start another year of life than getting your mind in the right place?

After our meditation sessions usually the group sits down to a small brunch of bagels and other assorted carbs-of course nothing is on my list of "to eat while training" but I figure eh-it's my birthday. I dug into a plain bagel with scallion cream cheese-one of my favorite combinations. I hope that the three clementine oranges I ate in addition to the bagel helped to nuetralize the calorie intake. Perhaps not.

It was so great to sit with this large group, eleven in total, and just talk to them about life and what they were up to. Of course the topic of the Olympics came up but it was more in passing than anything else. I enjoyed hearing stories from the other members about what they are currently reading, writing, and what they thought of my generation. Of course my generation is too distracted by technology and doesn't honor wisdom and age. I hope that isn't true since I am working my way up the age ladder myself.

Then it was on to the Shanghai restaurant for some dim sum with my parents. Celebrations at the Zimmermann household always include food. It was nice to sit down and have a sort of formal meal with my parents. In true family fashion we finished pretty quickly but we did have some time to talk. I asked my mom about zen Buddhism-which she is a part of and what she thought about meditation. It was nice to get her opinion on something other than her distaste for my nose ring and her negative comments about Barack Obama (we differ on who we are voting for in the primary).

During our dim sum outing our family had a chance to reconnect with some family friends. They were visiting from China and it was nice to talk to them about Beijing. The group was so excited and it was cool to see how proud my mother was at the prospect of my going to China. That moment was great-no matter what happens-I will remember that smile on her face. Everyone in the chinese community that is close to us is excited about the possibility of my going to China to compete. They all have something to say like-"Chinese have a very long history of sword fighting. Are you familiar of the Shao Lin methods (cheesy kung-fu films are now entering my mind at this point)?" It's nice that everyone wants to help.

Speaking of parents being proud. I brought my father with me on Friday to the speech I made to the local Volleyball club. There were about 90 people there, not as many as I thought but I am glad for that. Anyways, I had a great time speaking there and I think I did a pretty good job. In my father's opinion I was "tremendous and there wasn't a sound because everyone was listening to me speak." It's nice to get that kind of feedback from my dad but I think he was a bit biased. The coolest thing about it is that he told me he would never forget watching me up there and he can't wait to support me as the next woman president. To which my mother responded, "Hillary will be the first woman president." My family is nuts but I love them.

More about the birthday. After the dim sum I came home, napped (one of my favorite activities), and then headed to the gym. It's amazing how warm it is in Rochester right now-it's about 50 degrees out and supposed to reach 60 by Wednesday. Unbelievable considering 27 years ago on this day it was only 2 degrees. My Mom says it was so cold you could hear the ice crackle under the car tires on the way to the hospital.

I'm ending this day with a blog (another of my favorite activities) and some thoughts about how amazing it is to get older. I know a lot of people fear it but I am grateful for this past year and all the things I have learned. 2008 will be a great year to continue to grow and learn.

There is a short poem from a Buddhist monk about getting older. It's short and too the point but he encapsulates what I feel about it.

Apparition
by Thich Nhat Hanh, 1966

Being young
is like sweet sunshine
flooding the Summer sky.

Quiet noon-
Years and months
are just the expressions of Earth.

Why take note
of the never-ending seasons?

Poems are always up to interpretation but to me this summarizes youth and growing up. It's just something that happens like the turn of one season to another.

I hope everyone is well and there is always more blogging to be done. Have a great week!

A bit of inspiration

2008-01-02T22:34:00.000-05:00

The first day of the year is always a good day to watch movies as almost everything, even in NYC, is closed. I think it's some sort of unsaid national holiday-everyone needs the day to recover from the festivities.

Last night I took the time to watch the new Denzel Washington movie, The Great Debaters. It was a so-so movie but the movie inspired me to check out some poetry by Langston Hughes. There is a scene in the movie where Denzel stands up on the chair in front of the class he is teaching and recites one of Hughes' more famous poems, I too, am America. It's a short but very important American poem.

Poetry has always been a side passion of mine and through the power of the internet and the wonderful power of google, I not only checked out Langston Hughes but tried to remember some poems I memorized during my grammar school years. Of course when we were pre-teens all meaning was lost on our inability to process emotion. There aren't enough years to experience the meaning behind the poems.

I digress as usual. During my google search I came across some of Robert Frost's work and became reacquainted with a poem that resignates with me more now than it did before.

Check this poem out.

The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

It does make all the difference.

The New Year

2007-12-30T23:01:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. I've been a bad blogger lately but I assure you that I'm only partially to blame. The holidays are the real culprit in this matter. You can either spend the extra hour with your sister that's in town or you could spend some time blogging. You can spend time getting more presents and filling out one last Christmas card to an old friend, or you can spend your time blogging. Obviously I have been choosing the former over the latter. Sisters, Christmas cards, and old friends tend to take the priority.

I'm headed to NYC tomorrow to meet up with my teammate Hanna for a New Year's celebration. We felt that it was necessary to really bring this particular year in with a bang. It is 2008 afterall-the year of the Beijing Games! After a day of rest after our festivities it is back to work of course.

I am getting back to Rochester on the morning of the 4th because of an engagement I have with some volleyball players. Interesting. Apparently there is a fundraiser for the high school volleyball players in Rochester and I'm the guest speaker. I have to come up with ten minutes of awe inspiring material for a room full of high school female athletes. Any suggestions? There are a lot of things that I could probably talk about but I have no idea what would really be of use to these girls. It's been a while since I've been in high school.

Incidentally-I'm going to be turning 27 on the 6th of January. Just thought I'd put that out there! :)

Well, it's off to NYC for me and also time to plan for that speech. Ten minutes is a long time in front of a big crowd.

Happy New Year to everyone! I hope this year brings everyone great joy and success.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T22:04:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas and a very Happy Holidays to everyone! I hope that you are having a nice and relaxing time with friends and family.

I know I've been busy hanging out with my family. I didn't receive many presents but I had a great time giving presents. :)

El Grande Apple

2007-12-12T23:34:00.000-05:00

Here I am, back in New York City for the usual of training and physical therapy. I'm only here until Monday and then I go back to the usual routine in Rochester.

Apparently I bring the snow with me everywhere I go since there will be a huge snow storm in the city tomorrow. I wonder what counts as "huge" in NYC because in Rochester huge snow storm means something ridiculous like a few feet of snow in a short amount of time. But even then I think that Rochester would keep going and people would keep driving through it. I wonder what it will be like tomorrow in the city? It's kind of nice to see the city covered in white dusty snow for a few hours before it turns a brown or dark gray.

Oh yes, I had a comment about the last tournament. I fenced well and lost by one touch in over time to make it to the top-4 round, so I ended up fifth. In the long run of things the international tournament results will be more important than the national competition results.

One of the days in Richmond, I had a chance to speak to a retired fencer that I always admired but never really had the chance to talk to. (To give some people a hint, I believe he holds a record for how many national championships he's won.) We spoke about what it's like to be an "older" athlete in the sport and how to keep up motivation when you are no longer this young gun coming through the ranks. He mentioned that staying positive really helped him-he never got down on himself and felt that with more positive energy his results and successes were even greater. It just boils down to believing in yourself no matter what. In sport and perhaps in life, you have to be your own biggest fan sometimes.

Good thing I have Mama Zimmermann to keep me in check.

Good luck to all the New Yorkers in tomorrow's snow storm.

Up and coming

2007-12-04T20:50:00.000-05:00

Haven't posted much on the blog since the apology. I've been a bit busy for the past week getting ready for the next tournament, which is the National Circuit this weekend in Richmond, VA.

The weather in Rochester has changed my travel plans a bit as I am going to try and leave at the wonderful hour of 6am on Friday instead of later in the afternoon that day. I'm not sure if it's going to help since it seems that there is no end to the snow flurries either day or night.

On the training side-things have been going well although, the past two days my trainer has put me through the ropes but of course I wouldn't tell him that (I'm also glad he doesn't read the blog). I also wouldn't tell him that my left thigh and gluteous maximus (sp?) is sore...even though it is...very much so. I'll have to start tapering down the workouts soon since I fence on Sunday.

This blog is as exciting as I feel right at this moment. Is it lame to go to bed at 8:55pm?

An Apology

2007-11-29T23:19:00.000-05:00

First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to my teammates for anything I said in my last blog about the insurance issue that might have hurt them. It was never my intent to hurt anyone and my words were created from anger which you were in no way responsible for. Nothing means more to me than this team and my teammates and I therefore offer my humblest apologies.

The reality is, as one of my closest teammates puts it, is that we (the fencers) all struggle. We are all together in this as a team of fencers-sacrificing a lot in order to achieve a life's goal or dream. I apologize again for making light of anyone's situation or making it seem my situation was much more dire than another's. In a way, it makes me feel less alone to know that we are all in the same boat together. The truth is that all of us aren't paid athletes and we must raise our own funds and rely on whatever scraps the USOC or the USFA throws our way.

My words in the last post (which I have taken down since) were passionate-written in a moment of absolute disgust at the USOC/USFA. I spent a lot of time this evening trying to go over the reasons why I would feel so angry over receiving a letter from the USOC about denying my "eligibility" for insurance and I came up with the following answers:

1. The form letter made me feel as though I was a non-entity. "Athlete X-you did not meet the criteria, therefore you are no longer worth our time."

2. I was very dissapointed at the USFA's unemotional answer to my situation. It seems that if you are not performing-you aren't worth a damn to the organization. I remember being treated differently when the women's foil team was actually churning out medals-apparently, you are only worth anything when you win.

3. This past year was hard for me and I acknowledge that I didn't perform up to "standards" or "expectations" but I felt that there were things that were almost beyond my control that prevented me from performing at my best. Although I do understand that when money is tight that "right now" is more important than the possiblity of potential but compassion is an asset that cannot be ignored.

All reasons set aside there is still no excuse for a poor reaction on my part. I hope that my teammates accept my apologies for acting so rash. My mind is always on this team and I feel lucky to be considered a part of such an amazing group of women (and men). It is a priviledge to be considered in the same group as the rest of the team. The most important lesson perhaps is that words on a blog are important and one must be careful about what they type. Words can cut deeper than the sword (sorry for the bad pun) but it's the truth in this situation.

I always try to be someone of integrity and truth-in this case, regarding my teammates, I came across in a very different light. I do appreciate my teammates telling me upfront how they felt about the blog and they were candid enough to tell me the truth about their personal situations. I truly appreciate the candor and the fact that you all came to me directly.

As for the USOC-I am still angry but I have come up with my own solutions. Besides finding insurance, I have resolved to take a breath before pressing the "publish post" button. Rational thinking is the way to go, or at least I've heard.

Thank you again to my teammates for their honesty and apologies for anything in my last blog that may have upset you.

In loving memory

2007-11-27T21:25:00.000-05:00

IN LOVING MEMORY OF BEN GUTENBERG

This afternoon a young man, a teammate, and a friend died. Ben Gutenberg was only eighteen and just started William and Mary college this past September. A week or so ago Ben was in a car accident that took his fencing coach's life and took his a week later. We will miss you, Ben.

Since my words in this situation are probably either too trite or cliche in some way, I think it's best I leave this emotion of loss to the poets.

Do not stand at my grave and weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!

Mary Frye (1932)

Shanti, shanti, shanti

Case of the Monday's

2007-11-26T21:37:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone gets my reference of the movie Office Space in today's post title. If not, please go out and rent the movie because it's a classic. I especially like the scene when the employees finally destroy the copy machine that never seems to work.

As for today there isn't much to report except for the fact that I am a little sore and ready for bed at 9pm. I still have some stretching left to do but it's early to bed for me tonight. It's amazing how much time the athlete needs to sleep in order to recover. I feel if I don't get at least eight hours of sleep my body doesn't have a chance to fully recovered from the previous day's practices.

Anyways, I have decided to write the book anyways or at least start it. I think it would be an interesting way to pass the time and I am not truly looking for it to be published so much as it could be part of my process. The question is when I would have time to write between practice, sleeping eight hours, blogging, and traveling?

home after the holidays

2007-11-25T22:33:00.000-05:00

It only took us eight and a half hours to drive back to Rochester from Princeton, NJ (where my relatives live). Usually, it only takes about six to seven hours to make that drive but there was a lot of holiday traffic today that caused all sorts of back ups on the road. Why must we rubber neck when we know it only causes the traffic to move slower?

I'm really glad to be home after ten or so days away. The training in NYC was great but it's nice to be back on my own schedule and routine. Also, my teammate and I have a lot of work to do with our coach, as always.

As for NYC:

While I was in the Big Apple, I met someone from a club in Buffalo that reads my blog from time to time. It was great to meet someone that has become such a fencing enthusiast in a short amount of time. His daughter has also been bitten by the ever contagious fencing bug. The both of them take fencing to such great lengths that they manage to schlep about an hour to take lessons once a week at the Rochester Fencing Club.

Why is this significant? I realized something after my conversation with this fencer. There are some people who read this blog and know some of my hidden comments about my old coach. I forget that there are people out there that know who I am talking about when I say "my old coach" especially since fencing is such a small community.

Another wierd thing also got me thinking about the subject of blogging about my coach. I fenced at his new club in NYC and he and I exchanged awkward hi's and goodbye's with little else in between. After all these years and everything we have been through he doesn't even talk to me-let alone look at me. However, I still haven't given up the old habit of looking at him while I am fencing (to get his approval). I wonder if he knows or if anyone has told him what I have gone through in the past few months. It seems like I have been talking about him to everyone except for him.

The bottom line is that although I want to tell the story of my past and my renewed outlook on the future, I don't want to ruin my old coach's career. He has a reputation and he has new students. I do warn some of the new and older students to watch their steps but I don't want to be a cause of him losing students. I realize I the risk losing his friendship and perhaps damaging his reputation by blogging but I still feel as though I have the right to share my story.

I'm sort of stuck in a rough place. In the fencing world everyone knows who he is and he has many students and many new students that are up and coming. Some of his students read this blog and some of them have asked me point blank questions about him and I have answered them truthfully. However, I don't want to turn his world upside down. I doubt I will do that entirely but it is not my intent.

There were many good things that came out of our relationship and I try to reconcile those good times with some of the harder moments we shared. Whenever I hear some Bob Dylan tune he used to play on long van trips or long car rides in Europe, I think of the fun times and his sense of humor. I definitely miss those times when we were just talking about nothing in particular-if anything, he has a charming demeanor and a great sense of humor outside of fencing.

For me the hardest thing is that we are no longer communicating. That is something that I have to come to terms with as well-someone who was once closer to me than my own parents is now just a part of my memory-even though he is still around and I still see him from time to time. We are no longer the same-neither he nor I are that same person we were when we last worked together three years ago. I am often torn between emotions of sadness of losing my relationship with him and being glad that I am no longer under his thumb.

I just hope that the things that are written here are taken with a grain of salt. I can only talk about the future if I connect it with the past but these thoughts are are colored by my own experiences and no one elses. I can't really talk about his current personality since we no longer communicate. I can only pass on the lessons I have learned in my career and the struggles I go through as I make my way to another Olympic team and beyond.

Anyways-that's my two cents about the issue and I am sure it's not the last I am going to say about it. I was thinking about writing a book after this whole ordeal but it would be hard considering it could hurt someone's career as a coach. Let's just say the decision isn't final.

I hope everyone has a great week!

Thanksgiving is just around the corner

2007-11-19T23:25:00.000-05:00

Just finished up a great camp in NYC and it's onto Thanksgiving. I think I may just make an apple pie-a fencer and a baker. Who knew?

It's late so it's off to bed for me at this moment but I have much to write tomorrow when I have the day off to hang out around the city. Nice life, eh?

A bit of an update

2007-11-12T23:21:00.000-05:00

Today's blog might not be super inspired but at least it gives some info about where I have been and where I am going.

Where I have been.

I spent the last weekend in Penn State fencing with some of the team members there. the unfortunate part is that I hurt my ankle/foot somehow and I am unable to put too much pressure on it. No sweat though-I think with some rest and treatment it will be fine very soon.

Where I am going.

Of course I am not going to stay in Rochester for too long. I'm always moving about-my friend tells me I should become a pilot so I can at least get paid for all of my mileage. I don't know about that.

I am headed to NYC this week for a national camp. After that I am headed to New Jersey to visit some family for Thanksgiving.

So, that's my agenda for the next two weeks. I am sure I will have lots to say after the camp since right now things are just status quo-going to the gym, fencing, etc. It's sort of like watching reruns for right now.

Hope all is well! Have a great week!

Advice

2007-11-06T21:35:00.000-05:00

I added a new person to my "entourage" today. It's a yoga teacher than has some fame here in Rochester for being a teacher of Iyengar yoga. His name is Francois Raoult and his yoga studio is called Open Sky Yoga which is situated behind the very beautiful Rochester Zen Center.

He was very knowledgable and had some great things to say but they were a lot of the same things that the other parts of my "entourage" were saying about me and fencing. The sport of fencing makes the body very asymmetrical and causes imbalances which can lead to injuries, such as the various knee injuries I have had. There is no surprise there. He also talked about how tight my hips are-there is definitely no surprise there. I have been spending an hour each day (per my physical therapists instructions) to stretch. I also have to stretch after practice which is even harder because all I want to do after practice is go home, eat, and sleep.

So, what is my point here? Well, I had a bit of a revelation while I was sitting there listening to Francois. It wasn't that his information was bad or not useful, but I thought-at some point I have to make the decision of what is best for me. I have so many people telling me to do this and that to make my fencing better but at what point do I chime in with my own voice?

Considering my past-it was quite novel for me to ask that question. What do I feel is necessary for me?

I've also never really and truly been a mature athlete. It's one thing to be young and under someone's wing but it is another thing to be doing something long enough that you have to finally go-"you know what? I would rather do this instead of that". You also have to be wise enough to take the information you need and integrate it into what you already have. This task isn't that easy.

Here is where I think sport mirrors life. Isn't this all just a part of growing up? In a "normal"/general situation the parent makes the decision for the kids. Then the kids start to grow up and form opinions of their own and it's about this time the parents start to get major gray hairs. Then the kid goes off to college and starts to establish themselves and I wouldn't say that the kid really comes into their own until after college is over. At that time the adult has to decide what to take from their past, what to make new, and what their real identity is and where it lies.

Anyways, enough philosophy for now. It's time for me to sleep since I've already done the other two of return home and eat. Much needs to be done tomorrow including lots and lots of stretching.

One more thing. I am headed to Penn State on Thursday with my teammate Hanna to spend the weekend fencing with the students and alum there.

Any Given Sunday

2007-11-04T21:19:00.000-05:00

Definitely interesting day.

Let's start off with the gym this morning. I made a point to introduce myself to Ursula Burns, the president of Xerox and can be scene on the cover of this month's Fortune magazine. I told her how inspiring it is to meet a woman with that type of a position at a company. She's definitely a tough woman-I've seen her work out at the gym. She and I spoke about the Olympics and she mentioned that Xerox sends the execs there to watch the games. She also told me to keep in touch with her-I'm looking forward to it since I also mentioned I was interested in going to business school after all is said and done with the Games.

Then I met with Hanna, my teammate, to have lunch and go over our last few weeks apart. It's nice to have her back because it will really step up the training at the club.

The most interesting part about lunch was that not only did the waitress recognize me, "Aren't you Iris Zimmermann?" but there was another couple as we walked out that also recognized me. They said they were so happy to meet me and Hanna because they love the Olympics. In fact, their first date was watching the 2004 Olympic Games. Even I haven't had a date like that. But to honor their relationship I gave them two Olympics pins that I conveniently had in my car. I wonder if they think all Olympians carry around extra pins for just those occasions?

Then an old friend of mine, I have known him for about ten years, bumped into me after lunch. He and I had a long conversation about our separate meditation and yoga practices and at the end of the conversation I asked if the cafe he worked at still had job openings. I could work a few nights a week, get to know some people in town, make a little money, and have a bit of a break from training. I think that over thinking and over analyzing can contribute to over training and lack of desire and passion. My schedule from now until February is a little crazy but does allow some time to work. Besides, I think it would be a good break to go to a coffee shop on the weekends after my gym routines. This time I would be making money instead of draining money into lattes.

So, that is my day. Meeting the President of Xerox, finding a couple who loves the Olympics, and filling out an application to work at a cafe near the fencing club. The cafe has free wireless-perhaps more blogs are on the way?

I hope all of you enjoyed the weekend as much as I did. Have a great Monday!

the flip side

2007-10-31T20:58:00.000-04:00

In some of my blog posts I think-do people really believe I am this happy all the time with my Olympic pursuit? Especially after my last post I may have made it seem as though I have crossed over into this world of child's play. Well, here I am to squash those myths.

NYC was a place of a lot of realization for me. Not only were my conversations with my friends great and inspiring but the city itself ignited something in me.

I had a chance to stay at my friend's apartment and since he was never there it felt like I was living on my own again. That taste of freedom was a little too exciting for me because living with my parents at 26 years old isn't always what it is cracked up to be. I love my parents and especially the food my mom makes each night but living with them was never really in the long term after college plans. It wasn't even a should of-it was something of a life or death issue. (Just kidding.)

This new life in Rochester has opened many doors for me personally, but it has also put a bit of a damper on my social life. Let's not even ask how long it's been since I have been on a date or even asked out on a date. This is where everyone chimes in with a collective, "awwwww...". I know, I know, very tragic.

Traveling, training, and living with my parents isn't really the perfect formula for meeting friends let alone meeting potential boyfriends. Alright I do give that it isn't all that great to be "distracted" by relationships but sometimes that distraction is much needed when each day is filled with thoughts about fencing or fencing related topics. There is only so much Scrabble I can play with my Dad or so many movies I can watch with my Mom. My teammate, Hanna, and I do hang out but there are limited places to go in a small city like Rochester. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

The reality is that I miss this other life I lead. The one where I wore outfits each day that didn't include my standard uniform of sweats, sports bra, socks, and snekers. I also miss having nights out with my good friends-talking over the phone isn't always the same as seeing each other in person. None of my friends live here and going out alone is more depressing than staying at home on a Friday. Complain, complain.

Okay, how many notches have I gone down in your book now? I know these complaints aren't really that crucial in the big scheme of things, but I do have to acknowledge the fact that being in NYC last week made me long for the life in a bigger city with more things to do and more people to meet. Don't get me wrong-Rochester is an interesting city..if you are raising kids, not if you are 26 years old and single. Just keeping it real-so to speak.

I do understand that the choices we make put some things on the back burner while other parts of our lives become a higher priority. The best and worst quote-"Nothing ever stays the same. Change is always constant." I am sure that I will be yearning for more time in the gym a year from now. Grass is always greener? Maybe I should read my last blog post and just be happy in this moment.

Enough about my rants and ravings. It's almost my bedtime-I have to get up early again tomorrow to hit the gym.

Happy Halloween!

Swingsets, sandboxes, and playgrounds

2007-10-30T21:29:00.000-04:00

A friend of mine turned 37 years old the other day and I asked him what age he really felt. This of course was after several jokes about aging at his expense. Even after all the jokes he looked me square in the eye, as only he knows how to do, and answered, "I feel 25". Then he said something that I've been thinking about a lot since our conversation. He said that he feels 25, but inside he sometimes feels like he never left the 15 year old kid behind. That's true-he's quite the prankster.

Today I overheard a couple of women who had a conversation about age. One said that I can't believe I'm 40 years old, and of course that was followed by the obligatory, "you don't look that old, come on, stop it, you aren't forty". The truth is that this woman does not look her age at all and I'm always very taken aback by her exotic beauty. Then another woman, aged 65, chimed in and said that sometimes she looks in the mirror and can't seem to believe what is staring back at her. The wrinkles on her face represent an age that she doesn't connect with when she is away from the mirror. The bottom line is that these women don't really look their age, whatever that means. In this Botox world, age has become a very fluid and sometimes paralyzed concept.

We are all very much defined by age-at 16 we get a driver's license, 18 we can vote and smoke and enlist in the military, at 21 we can drink, then the birthdays sort of fall off. We start counting the numbers and start to get scared somewhere down the line. Shouldn't I be married, shouldn't I have kids, shouldn't I? Shouldn't I? This is similar to the the doubts I expressed when I first started my journey, I'm 25 years old, shouldn't I move on from fencing and start my career? Shouldn't I be moving towards my "real life"?

In my (humble) opinion we are sometimes too busy getting to certain ages and doing all the shoulds that we don't just stop and have some fun. Even saying those words seems a little off. We don't all have to quit our jobs and start fencing but isn't it time we make room for something we love in our lives? The pursuit of something for the sake of it's pursuit rather than the pursuit for an absolute end result. Very revolutionary concept in this day and age.

My friend who turned 37 years old last week mentioned that we should spend some time nurturing and loving our inner kids. To laugh more and be more present like only kids can be. Children aren't thinking or worrying about what they are going to do in next minute or hour, they are immersed in what they are doing at the moment they are doing it.

This point struck another cord with me today when I stayed for a while after my practice to hang out and teach the younger group of fencers. The room was filled with so much joy and excitement, which was so great to witness and be a part of. I laughed with them as they make jokes (at my expense of course) and I reveled in their curiosity about the most random things.

Where does the joy for life go when we grow up? I think that my friend is right-the little kid in everyone needs some time to play without structure. I think that's why when I got back from the world championships I spent some time walking in the park and swinging on the swing sets. I must have been an odd sight at the park but it was so much fun to fly through the air, with my feet kicking away as I rose higher and higher. I truly enjoyed the experience of having the breeze blow through my hair and the broad grin on my face.

What does this have to do with training? Everything. Being present in the moment and enjoying what I do even on the hardest days makes all the difference. Before this year, I spent twenty years practicing for the next thing without ever really enjoying the process or even enjoying the moments that I would succeed. To my coach, to me as a driven girl, one gold medal meant I had to strive for another gold medal to continue to prove that I belonged on top. They say that experiences and joy are truly lost on youth and I can't say that is entirely untrue. I think I was more stressed out at 15 than I am at 27-maybe my inner kid is the more mature one? Or maybe now we are old enough now to enjoy the things that kids take for granted? We shouldn't miss that opportunity.

So the moral of this rambling story is to enjoy some time with your inner kid and have save moments to laugh or play. Be present in the moment. As Will Smith says in the movie Hitch, "Live each day as if it were on purpose."

P.S.

2007-10-28T23:50:00.000-04:00

P.S. I found (actually a friend of mine found) a great yoga place in NYC after the blog post of the nightmare yoga studio. I went there and the vibe was everything I was looking for in a yoga studio. You can read about Dharma Yoga Center by clicking here. If you are ever in NYC I do recommend going there for a class.

Home....again....

2007-10-28T23:44:00.000-04:00

I flew back to Rochester this afternoon from NYC where I had a great week of trainings, getting treated, and visiting various friends. There is never enough time in a new york minute to fit everything in and unfortunately I couldn't see all of my friends. Besides I was technically there on "business" if you can truly call fencing a business.

Tomorrow will be my first day back in the gym in about three weeks. I don't think I have stepped foot in the Mid-twon athletic club and the fencing center for about that long. I'm looking forward to seeing the familiar faces and getting back to work on a regular daily schedule.

I hope everyone has a great week ahead of them.

Oh yeah, trick or treat! Or is it Happy Thanksgiving or is it Merry Christmas since Holiday knick knacks are already out in all the stores. Why would I fill out Christmas cards in October when you can send them the day before Christmas. Should I have already addressed and sent out my Channukah cards?

I digress.

Have a great and productive week!

The big apple

2007-10-24T09:28:00.000-04:00

I arrived in NYC on Monday and it's only taken me a few short days to get nice and sore. Someone said to me once that pain is weakness leaving the body and if that is the case I am one strong chick.

It's amazing how much you can accomplish in NYC in a very short amount of time. The past few days have been filled with physical therapy appointments, fencing, yoga, and a visit with some of my close friends.

The yoga is the part that took me by surprise. Yoga for me is a very meditative and introspective practice while going slowly into poses. The interesting thing is that yoga has become nycfied and instead of being relaxing, the yoga studio I went to was almost masochistic. The instructor started the class with some chants, which isn't abnormal, but she was yelling the chants. I couldn't even hear myself think while she was shouting OMmmmmm at the top of her lungs. Then when I tried to modify certain poses because I can't really get into them very easily, she would force me into a pose of yell something like-FEET TOGETHER! or TOUCH THE PALM TO THE GROUND! I wanted to say-hey lady, if I could touch my entire palm on the ground with my legs in this position, I wouldn't be in this class.

Needless to say, I needed some time after the yoga class to decompress. I feel like people in the city could use more classes that are restful since they live such hectic lives but logic and reason does not always prevail.

Fencing here has been great and I'm looking forward to tonight because we are doing some video analyzation of the Italian team. I have been impressed by the effectiveness of their footwork patterns and strategies. I am sure talking about video tape is really exciting for the blog readers.

Anyways, it's time to get going on this day. Hope everyone is having a great week!

All things have to come to an end

2007-10-20T15:26:00.000-04:00

Alas, my days were numbered at Shangri-La. I would love to return to those sunny days walking along the lake with the mountains in the background, but I am back to Rochester and back to reality.

This morning greeted me with dark clouds and rain as I made my way to the gym. It wasn't the way I wanted to start back into things but as the song says, we can't always get what we want.

Making a slight transition but in the same vain as "all good things have to come to an end", I would like to begin the discussion about Marion Jones. For those of you who don't know who she is, Marion is the track star from the Sydney and Athens games. She has several medals under belt (or used to until she gave them back two weeks ago).

I can't tell you how sad I was to find out that she admitted to "juicing up" for the Olympics because from what I hear she was so talented that she didn't need to. I remember standing near her during the opening ceremonies of the Sydney Games and she was a super star amongst the Olympic athletes. Here we all were, the best of the best of our sports, and some of us were going up to her for autographs.

I am so dissapointed to hear about her. According to an article I read she is now married to a former track athlete, has a four year old son, and is broke. How sad-she went from being a super star to another poor ex-athlete.

Things brings me to what I've been thinking about since I read about Marion. Does the ends justify the means? A lot of athletes succumb to pressure, peer pressure, pressure from parents, pressure from fans, pressure from coaches and teammates to do everything it takes to win that medal. Is it really that important? I mean yes, I would love to have a gold medal, but am I willing to sacrifice my morals and values in order to do so? Am I willing to cheat to make it happen?

I once dated a shot put player for a VERY brief period at Stanford before the 2004 Games. He was much smaller than the rest of the shot put guys but he was very strong and could throw far. There were scandals then about track athletes using steroids and I asked him if he would be willing to take them. He said he would because it evens the field, everyone takes supplements. I wasn't shocked that he would but I remember being taken aback that he was so matter a fact about it. He didn't even blink when he answered and it was almost like I asked him if he could inhale and exhale.

However, I am sure in the moment Marion felt that it was the best thing to do. I'm not saying I would go that route but I don't think I blame her entirely for her actions. Dave Chapelle during his comedy routine mentions Michael Jackson and all his surgeries and he says, "In some sick twisted way he did it for you". And I think in this case, in some sick twisted way Marion wasn't srong inside and caved to media, fan, and personal pressure to succeed.

What is this doing to the athlete? What are we willing to sacrifice to win? Everyone believes that an athlete should live, breathe, and die their sport but at what cost to the person as a whole? Dedication is one thing but unhealthly obsession over achievement is another.

This topic strikes a cord with me not only because it's about Marion Jones whom I admired during the Sydney Games but the question, "Does the end justify the means?", comes up often in my talk about athletes. What are we willing to sacrifice in order to win that precious medal? What does that mean to you?

The ones who know me and read this blog, understand what I went through for twenty years of my life-utter abuse, physically and mentally, from my former coach. At the time it was fine and accepted because I was winning everything (the ends justified his abuse and also made it worse in the end) but now as an adult this method no longer serves me as an athlete and human being. The road is much harder and sometimes not as clear in terms of results but in terms of life things have never been better.

I hope this last paragraph wasn't too obtuse for most of you but I don't think I am quite ready to reveal everything on this blog. I am hoping to eventually write a book about the relationships between coaches and athletes sometime down the line but the wound is still too much on the surface.

To sum things up I think this debate has many layers to it as most good debates do. I am sad for Marion and I am sad that she did what she did. However, I understand that she probably felt a lot of pressure from outside sources which over road her better judgement. The unfortunate thing is that she is not the only one to crack. There is so much pressure to break new records to be better than the last, to be a hero, to be a super person that sometimes the athletes don't even question whether or not this is wrong. "If everyone is doing it, it just makes sense for me to as well."

And finally, a message to every athlete. The ends DOES NOT justify the means. When it's wrong, it's just wrong. An abusive coach, taking steroids, if you are a good athlete you will get there. Besides, the medal isn't everything and it is in the pursuit that we know and reveal our true selves. After the medal you will still be Marion Jones and you will have to live with your decisions for the rest of your life.

Well, all good things have to come to an end and this blog entry has reached it's finale.

I hope everyone is enjoying their weekend! I'm off to NYC for training and treatment on Monday morning until the following Saturday.

Shangri-La

2007-10-16T11:39:00.000-04:00

I'm lucky my sister lives in such a beautiful place that is perfect for a small respite from the Olympic run.

There isn't much to say except for I think I've never been so relaxed. I've gotten a hair cut, taken many naps, walked my friend Gwen's dog everyday around the lake, and now I am off to a yoga retreat near Denver. I do have to talk about the lake though.

Every morning the sun rises over the mountains and reflects into the lake. The water is calm except for the few duck families passing by every once in a while. Everyone is happily walking their dogs while children play on swingsets and jungle gym nearby. Everything is framed by the sometimes snow capped mountains in the background. The word for it is picturesque but I prefer to use Shangri-La. I love Denver.

The ashram we are going to is called Shoshoni Retreat and we will be spending the next 24 hours doing yoga, meditation, eating vegetarian foods, and exploring the surroundings. I am definitely falling in love with this place, not sure if I want to return to real life just yet.

I did try to do some real work in the gym yesterday but I decided it was too nice out to be stuck lifting weights so I went to the lake again for a walk. I am definitely resting mind, body, and spirit.

Wish you all were here.

Denver!

2007-10-11T21:44:00.000-04:00

I better get to sleep soon since I have to catch a plane to Denver at 7am tomorrow. I'm going westward to visit my sister Felicia for a week. She has a break between projects at work and I have a week off before I continue training for the rest of the season.

Felicia and I are planning on attending a two day yoga retreat close to Denver. I'm looking forward to sharing a one room, one bed, no electricty, heat or water hut with my sister for two days. I just hope that the water in the communal bath house is warm. Right now I'm sort of picturing a bucket with a string or maybe a metal bathtub? This should be an interesting two days.

Besides the one room hut and bucket shower, I am truly looking forward to a week where I am not thinking about fencing (although I probably will do a lot of thinking about fencing anyways). At least I am not putting my fencing stuff on for a good week because sometimes this journey can suffer from tunnel vision. Both my chiropractor and massage therapist told me to take the time to center myself and truly use the time to rest both the body and mind. There won't be another week long opportunity like this until the end of the season. Meditation, yoga, and vegetarian food here I come!

I still can't believe that the Olympics are less than a year away.

After I get back from Denver I am headed to NYC for a week to fence and get treated for my various ailments. I haven't been to the Big Apple in a while and I'm looking forward to going back. A trip to the city is always a fun time even when I feel like I get caught up in the faster pace. I'm sure my NYC friends that read this blog are thinking that I'm a big country bumpkin after that sentence. Maybe I shouldn't tell them that I saw a deer on my way home from the fencing club this evening.

I know that I still have yet to comment on the Marion Jones incident but I promise I will. In the meantime, you can read about what happened to her by clicking here.

It's truly a sad story and it's definitely worth the discussion.

See you all in Denver!

Recap on Mother Russia

2007-10-10T21:16:00.000-04:00

It turns out that results don't always add up to the way that you feel like you performed. I hate to say it but I fenced well but not well enough to beat the Russian to make the next round (to the top-32). I was close but no cigar in the end. It wasn't even the cheering Russian fans that did it in for me, I just think I made one or two errors that cost me the match.

As for the team event. I fenced really well and I think the team fenced very well as a whole. We were one touch away from beating Romania to make it to the round of top-8. It's unfortunate but we are still about forty points ahead of Venezuela to qualify a team for the Olympics.

That's the short and long of the description of World Championships. It didn't go badly and I think I fenced well overall, but unfortunately my result wasn't super spectacular. They never said that qualifying for the Olympics would be easy.

back from Russia

2007-10-09T13:31:00.000-04:00

I just got back from Russia late last night and I am totally jet lagged. I don't think I've ever been this tired from a trip before-maybe I'm getting old or maybe it was the four hour lay over in Paris and the five hour lay over in NYC? Who knows.

I thought I would share a picture that a friend of mine took of me on the plane. It gives you an idea of how I feel right about now.

It's a little dark but I think you get the picture.

I'm going to blog later today about the whole trip and my thoughts on it later today. I'm also planning to comment on the recent events with Marion Jones-she had to return her medals from the Olympic Games after pleading guilty to taking banned substances. I remember seeing her at Sydney and I have lots of thoughts on the matter-coming up soon.

Hope all is well and you didn't miss me too much!

In transit

2007-09-29T17:43:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to say that I am about to board a plane to Paris....the stop before St. Petersburg. I hope to get another blog in while we are Paris waiting for the next flight, especially since we have a seven hour lay over. Do you think we have enough time?

Here is a lovely photo of Hanna and I in transit. Caption: I wouldn't say this is our best picture..just look at the shiny forehead! OY! However, I am wearing my new glasses.

See you in Paris!

Return to the Motherland

2007-09-24T22:36:00.000-04:00

I lived in Moscow for about four months in 2005, and I have been back once since then to fence. There is a lot of history for me in that country and especially the city of St. Petersburg-the site of this year's World Championships.

The following are short stories about a few of my trips to Mother Russia.

First story: Moscow, 1999

I made my first senior world cup final at the Moscow world cup in 1999. I was about eighteen then and had started at Stanford that year. I remember that Buckie was so proud of me that he bought me a shot of vodka. I am definitely a cheap date so I went up to accept my medal just a little tipsy.

Second story: St. Petersburg, 2004

This one is not as fun as the first story. St. Petersburg was the last competition for selection of the 2004 team. There was only one individual that could qualify to compete for USA women's foil at the Olympics that year. It was at this competition that I needed to just make the top-32, something I had done many times over in my career, in order to make the team. I was leading a Russian girl and in the last period I lost to her making me two points short overall of making the 2004 team. Just writing these words is tough for me.

The interesting thing is that my current coach was coaching Felicia at the time and she consoled me in the bathroom. I was just sobbing uncontrollably.

It was also the last time Buckie ever coached me in a competition. He and I were through. We had a short talk and the end and he said he thought I would make the team and I said I didn't and I felt like it was partly his fault. And we left it at that, nothing more and nothing less. It still pisses me off to think that is how we ended our twenty year career together. But that is definitely a story for another day.

Third story: Moscow and St. Petersburg, 2005

This one is definitely happier than the second. The whole Stanford in Moscow exchange program went to St. Petersburg for a trip during our quarter abroad. We had a great time there and it was at that time I had no intention of coming back to fencing. I did fence a bit in Moscow but I felt like it was already over for me. Was I secretly thinking that I would come back? I seriously doubted that at the time.

I even remember talking to some fencers from Moscow and they would ask me whether or not I would return. I would laugh and say absolutely not and they would respond that fencing is always in the blood. Russians-always so dramatic. True, but dramatic.

Fourth story: St. Petersburg, 2007

This story has yet to be written. This is the story of my return to St. Petersburg as a fencer ready to fence at the World Championships. I'm looking foward to going back, practicing my ever decreasing Russian vocabulary, and visit the Hermitage. I just remember how much I loved that city.

What I loved most about St. Petersburg was it's history of Tsars and Tsarinas, especially the story about Catherine the Great. She was quite the character, you can click here to find out more about her.

My flight leaves on Saturday and I will arrive in St. Petersburg sometime on Sunday by way off Rochester-Newark-Paris. Apparently you can't fly directly to St. Petersburg-or maybe you can't fly directly there on a budget.

By the way-I appreciate everyone's comments about the blog. All are very useful and fun to hear.

what's in a name?

2007-09-23T21:06:00.000-04:00

I'm all about nicknames. You can ask my teammates about it-I've probably had a hand in creating the nicknames they have on the team. I call it the women's foil frasority, we have a couple of guys in our group as well.

Hanna is "skinny" (self-explanatory)
Emily is "the brain" (she goes to Harvard)
Erinn is "guns" (since she broke her finger she has managed to find a way to hit from the hip)
Doris is "the kid" (she's the youngest)
Nat is "the owl" (because she's so wise)
Mike is "the mission" (he is always on a mission and his fencing club is in the mission in SF)
My name-well that is still being decided.

My original nickname was "Mama". Mostly because I was the one with the most experience on the team (although Erinn is older and has just about as much experience), I've been around a long time, and I have a tendency to want to take care of others.

However, this past week I was thinking about it. There is a lot in a name-just take Romeo and Juliet for example, where I ripped the title of this blog from. There is a lot in a name-some names you don't like because you don't like the person they are associated with. Did you have a run in with Rose? Do you like the name Chad because he was your high school sweetheart?

Names are important. Nicknames are just as important because they are supposed to represent a very concentrated part of you. I just wasn't feeling like I was the name Mama. I am still a competitor, I still want to win, and Mama just seems like I should have three kids and a minivan. Nothing wrong with that but not at this moment in my life.

An old Rochester Fencing Club teammate of mine came to visit the club last week during the fencing camp. She made a face when I told her that my nickname was Mama. Julianna knew me as a youngster so Mama would never make sense to her. More importantly, Mama would never make sense to her because I was always so intent on beating the crap out of everyone at fencing practice. I was an intense teenager I guess.

Her words made me think. How did I go from this super intense person to a nurturer? Then it hit me-the nickname just didn't work for me. I asked Julianna to come up with another, more appropriate nickname for the situation.

Julianna finally came up with one at the end of practice on the last day of fencing camp-"the energizer". This comes from the energizer bunny since I always seem to be on the go, up and running, but I also shut off when I am tired. I have three modes-"go", "go faster", and "full stop".

I am both these nicknames. I believe that I am someone that will work hard to get to their goals but doesn't believe that the ends justifies the means. I want to earn a place on the team without compromising any of my ideals. I think that in sports, just as in politics, there is always one path that is clearly right (perhaps slower) and one path that is clearly a little muddied.

Maybe I feel this way because I just watched Karate Kid. It was pretty sweet to see Daniel-Sun beat up on the Cobra Kai without stooping to their level. The crane kick is still one of my favorite parts of any movie I've seen.

Anyways, enough of that segue, I am happier with the nickname energizer. It makes me feel less like a soccer mom and more like the competitor that I am.

What a day!

2007-09-21T21:55:00.000-04:00

I should have known that this was going to be quite a day when I woke up for the first of few times around 2am. I am currently trying to fight a cold that has been going around Rochester. A barber at the coffee shop today told me that a lot of his customers have been coming in with the same cold/flu like symptoms-I should be fine in three days he said. So much for doctors-his advice was a lot cheaper.

Around 6:30am I just decided to call it quits, get up, and get ready for my workout at the gym at 8am. When I got into my car I realized that I needed fill up the gas tank. Don't worry, the story/blog gets more interesting (just read on.). After I got gas I realized that I didn't have my credit card anymore. I spent twenty minutes at the gas station trying to look for my card. I even had the woman working at the gas station rewind the tape and see whether or not I dropped the card on the ground. By the way, this sort of scared me. How often are you on video tape without realizing it? I think I'm going to start dressing up more often-or maybe not.

After that debacle I headed to the gym. I still didn't have my credit card but I would be late with my appointment with Dave, my trainer, if I didn't leave the gas station. The workout was great. Two of my teammates joined me for the workout and it made things competitive but fun. I do have to say that I won one of the portions of the workout when we were timed-I'm not competitive.

After the gym I headed for morning practice. I did manage to find my card stuck on the side of the driver's side when I got out to head to the fencing club. Lucky me. Things seemed to be looking up-fencing practice was fun and productive-I thought that my day was starting to turn around.

But then......cue the music (dun dun dun). Someone broke into my car through the driver's side window. All I could think was how lucky I was to have found my credit card beforehand. Whew! There was glass everwhere but nothing was really stolen. Well, nothing of non sentimental value I guess. They could have taken my yoga mat or my blanket from the Sydney Olympics, but they didn't take that. I guess they didn't want my Amy Winehouse cd either-too bad for them.

My suspicion is that it was some high school kid from across the street that was attending a football game. I feel like someone older would try to take the radio or something else. Who knows? I'm just glad they didn't take my yoga mat-which is rather expensive, may I add. Who knew that centering oneself creates a need for an expensive styrophome mat? Oh yeah, I am also glad that it was a nice sunny day so I wasn't getting rained on when I drove home.

My insurance sent me to "Jimmy the Greek" to get my car window repaired. Well, technically the name is "Rochester Auto Glass" or whatever but everyone working there was greek. It turns out they had a window for my Jetta, but it wasn't the right window so I have to wait until Monday to get it replaced. Meanwhile, I have an ill fitting window on the driver's side. Oh well.

It's interesting to me-I have been going to that same fencing club for eighteen years and nothing has happened to my car or my parents' car, or any other car for that matter, in all that time. I am hoping this is just a fluke accident.

The other thing I observed about this situation was my instinctual reaction to start to protect myself. For example, I am not usually so cautious about leaving things in my car when I go into a store or sometimes I don't even lock my car when I am at home, but those little things began to look different to me. It just takes one time or one little incident to change your patterns. However, I refuse to think ill of the area because I spend so much time there but I can tell that my instincts about safety will change after this incident.

So-this blog wasn't so much about fencing but not everything is about fencing all the time. I definitely have more posts to come-I think I'm too much of a perfectionist sometimes to post some of the drafts. Maybe I should work on that when I use my expensive yoga mat at yoga class.

Weekend fun

2007-09-14T22:06:00.001-04:00

It's a good thing that the weather is going to be cold in Rochester this weekend. The women's foil team is having a three day national camp at the Rochester Fencing Club-Saturday through Monday. Putting on all the fencing equipment (equivalent to a heavy blanket) isn't as tough when it's not as hot outside. I know, complain, complain.

This was my subtle way of saying that this is going to be a long weekend of fencing fun. The women's foil team is all here-or at least their plane just landed a few minutes ago. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again and getting ready as a team for the World Championships that is coming up in a few weeks.

Hopefully I will remember my camera this time so I can take some fun photos of the team for my blog. I know I always say it but it doesn't always seem to happen. I guess my excuse is that I am so focused on fencing that I can't be bothered with taking photos. It's not really the truth because the real truth is that I have a tough time remembering where I put the camera in the first place.

I want to leave you with an unrelated note. My parents are spending this evening at the October Fest. Not only that, my Mom brought her two Chinese friends with her. It sort of brings a smile to my face to think that my mom, two other Chinese people, and my German father are drinking beer, eating wursts, and listening to German music. Welcome to the Zimmermann family.

Relax?

2007-09-11T22:03:00.000-04:00

A raise of hands of all Americans reading this blog. How many of you know what the word relax really means? Do you even know what relaxation even entails?

This may seem counterintuitive to all of you but I have been spending most of my energies on trying to relax. Yes, I am currently getting ready for World Championships (coming up at the end of September/beginning of October) but my path to getting there has never been so interesting.

I'm a type A personality all the way. If there is a way to over achieve at something, I definitely know how to do it. I will always go above and beyond what I'm asked to do or what I think I'm expected to do. What can I say? I have German and Chinese parents. If that isn't organized, strict, and driven, I don't know what mix of cultures would be?

I had a serious talk with my coach over the summer about some things that I can do to improve my fencing for the next year. Her biggest concern? My ability to let go and relax. She asked me what I did for fun? I said, blog about my experiences and read informational books that will help me further my fencing. She said, no really, what do you do for fun? FUN? Relaxation? This was a crucial problem.

This conversation led me to take drastic measures (I'm an overachiever-there are no measures that aren't drastic). Over the summer I blogged about how I took the month of July off and did some other activities that didn't involve fencing. I think some of you commented that it seemed a little strange for someone training for the Olympic Games. Well, it would be strange if you didn't know me.

I would have to admit that I never really took a vacation or really relaxed in my life. I don't even know how to do it. I've been striving towards big goals my whole life-the Olympics, world championships, Stanford, overseas studies in Russia, working on a political campaign, etc. I don't know how to do things if they aren't done on a large scale.

So, here in lies the lesson and the title of this post. Now I am spending a lot of my energy on learning how to relax. Don't laugh. I'm serious. I've gotten into doing more yoga, stretching, and taking it easy on my body. This isn't to say that I am not intense on the strip when I fence, but I am learning about how to relax and be in the moment.

Yoga has actually been a great practice for that. When you are in a yoga pose you have to relax into the pose rather than work to push the pose if you want to get a benefit out of it. Yoga is my antithesis and practicing it has been an eye opening experience.

Of course I can't completely change myself. I went out and bought two yoga books, a yoga mat, cool yoga pants, and a pass to a yoga studio in town. I have come to love my antithesis because each class has become a time where I learn to unwind, slow down, breathe, and rediscover myself. For someone who is always about pushing, it has taken me a couple months just to breathe and let go. Letting go is my new "new agey" mantra. Let go, Iris. Let go.

Believe it or not I am starting to see some big results on the fencing strip. Not only am I more present and focused but I am actually relaxed enough to enjoy myself. I'm definitely grateful for these tools since I'm always a nervous wreck before big fencing tournaments. As a self-prescribed type-A personality I like to get really nice and anxious about three weeks before any big competition. Apparently I think that it's important to stress yourself out before you really stress yourself out. Good thing I found yoga to help me breathe.

So, through yoga I am learning how to relax and it has manifested itself into some major benefits on the fencing strip. Now, if only I could get my leg behind my head and then I could really do some damage on the strip.

The pursuit of happiness

2007-09-05T23:25:00.000-04:00

Just that phrase alone, "the pursuit of happiness", brings up 17,122 titles when entered into amazon.com's search engine. It's pretty amazing. There must be a lot of people out there trying to find happiness. (Insert "duhhh" here.)

Even the Dalai Lama wrote a book with that title, but from what my mom says, it's basically all the same mumbo jumbo-"in order to find happiness you must not look for it". Whatever that means. (Not that I have read the book but I am sure the Dalai Lama has a great formula for happiness.)

If I could give anything to the world it would be this joy I feel while trying to pursue my goal of making the Olympic team in a sport that I love. There are so many times that I want to give up. There are so many hills to climb. There is a lot of fund raising to be done, but at the end of the day, I'm here because I love to be here in this moment.

This past year after a frustrating loss, I asked my coach what was the point of doing all this competition and all this work if I am not winning? Nat looked at me with a bit of shock and began to tell me, very slowly, all the reasons why she put so much of her time and energy into fencing. She said, "I love the way the foil feels in my hand. I love the look on my students' faces when they finally get an action. I love the people in the sport-even though a lot of them are nutty. I love the way the floor of this fencing gym feels underneath my feet. I love going to competitions and trying my best even if there is a chance that I may lose, at least I gave it everything I had."

When she said all this my first reaction is that this woman must be crazy. She has to be weak. Why do anything at all if you can't win? I love fencing because I win a lot-or at least I used to.

Let me break from that conversation to side track to one I had last week with the very esteemed fencer and one of my good friends, Keeth Smart. Keeth reads my blog, which is an honor since this guy is not only a wonderful fencer but a wonderful human being.

Anyways, last week Keeth and I were talking about fencing, more specifically about my fencing. He said that he always admired my fencing and the way I used to laugh, joke, and seem to have so much fun while I was competing. We both agreed that it had been a long time since I was really like that until now.

This past week in Mont Tremblant at the Pan-American zonal championships I finally felt like myself. I feel like I have personally been on hiatus for a while but I am finally back-enjoying the sport.

I would like to think that this new found joy has come through understanding the value of the process and more importantly understanding what Nat was trying to tell me. What does it feel like to me to put that foil in my hand, bend my knees to get in en garde, and face my opponent? What does it feel like when I am bending my blade, taking my time, and trying to think of my next move? The feeling is indescribable and for this blog's sake I am going to call that feeling, happiness. Joy in the moment.

I've done a lot of work over this summer to get to the place I am now and I can honestly say that I feel lucky to have the opportunity to pursue my sport. Not just to make an Olympic team (although that is the goal) but to have an opportunity to do something for myself. Sounds kind of selfish but I believe that in trying to make myself into a better fencer, I am able to make myself into a better person, therefore being able to give back. Now hear me out. I hope that I can set an example and help some of the other kids coming up through the ranks. Also, I am very flattered to get an email once in a while from a close friend that says they gain inspiration and strength from my risks in order to go after their own personal goals. That to me is the highest form of flattery.

There are a lot more times than I would like to admit, that I find this journey too hard. Sometimes I decide that this is it and I can't possibly go on. But the best part is when I somehow find the strength to pick myself back up again in time to find out that I am stronger and can endure more than I think. And I am most thankful for this portion of the journey. Inner strength is nothing that can be bought or just found-you have to work to (as my friend "Master Chi" would say)-make that flame that already exists inside you grow and burn brighter.

Enough of this new agey business. My hope is that everyone finds something fulfilling to pursue that makes them question themselves, challenge themselves, and ultimately find them more whole and stronger than they could have ever imagined. I feel very lucky for this opportunity.

Cultural sensitivity

2007-09-04T22:29:00.000-04:00

As if I didn't already have enough to do. This weekend the USOC is flying prospective Olympians to a small conference for two days in D.C. The Olympic Committee is actually holding this same conference in California and Colorado Springs for the athletes out on the west coast.

I haven't received a lot of information about why this is manditory but from what I heard from some poeple I gathered the following. The USOC is worried about the image of American athletes so we are going through media training (been there and done that) and some "cultural sensitivity training". Seriously? I could teach the Chinese culture class. What is really going on?

I'm intrigued as to why we have to go through this. My only guess is that there are a lot of other athletes in other sports that are causing problems because if a fencer at this level doesn't understand how to interact with other cultures, you must not be a good fencer. We travel so much that we should be able to deal with these situations and the lot of us have been through this before.

I wonder if there could be an exemption. The upside to this is that I get to reunite with some of my friends from the Beijing Press Tour and perhaps see some of my other athlete friends this weekend.

I'll let you know how it goes. Oh yeah, my mother said I am probably not Chinese enough and have to go through the training. My father thinks I'm too German, that's why I am told to go to D.C. this weekend to partake in the conference. Either way-I'm headed to D.C. on Friday.

Pan American Zonal Champions

2007-09-02T23:08:00.001-04:00

A photo of the 2007 Pan American Zonal Champions.

Community

2007-08-26T22:11:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to take a moment to comment about the Rochester community. There are a number of reasons why I felt that training in Rochester would be better than my experience with NYC in 2004. First, it's where I grew up and my family lives here but more importantly it is the sense of community I feel here that has really brought me back here to train for the 2008 Games.

There may not be as much money circulating in Rochester but everyone is willing to contribute something once they find out that I am training for the Olympics. For example, the woman that I does my eyebrows (every Olympian needs a good eyebrow waxer!)-she put a picture of me up in her salon and always undercharges me for her services. Not to mention all the much needed advice she gives me when I'm in her chair.

Another example-the man who gives me massages spends at least a half an hour (last time an hour!) with me before the massage to catch up and make sure he understands everything that is going on. Then, he doesn't charge me for the two hours we have spent together. He's just interested in being a part of the journey. Another example-my chiropractor decided not to charge me for visits. He just wants to help me out and he is also interested in being part of my journey.

Oh yeah one more-the other day I went to Foot Performance in order to get new orthodics for my fencing shoes and Chris, one of the podiatrists there, spent a lot of time with me in order to get things right. He also knew my mother-talk about a small town. You can't get inserts for your shoes without running into someone that knows someone in your family or social network.

The same is true for the people at my fencing club here in Rochester. I attended an end of summer party with some of the Rochester Fencing Club group and most of the parents stopped to ask me how I was and offer any help that I may need along the way. They are appreciative that I'm around at the club to help coach their children but I assure them that it's always a joy to teach kids about fencing. I definitely feel like the club is an extension of my family.

The list goes on. Even when I'm in casual conversation in Rochester in some small cafe or bookstore, someone is interested in what I am doing and willing to help me in their own way. I can't believe the amount of generosity in this community. I am not sure this is what Hillary meant when she said it but, "it takes a village" to support an athlete going for their ultimate dream.

It's hard to compare NYC with Rochester in regards to training for the Games because I understand the very nature of a big city-you have to make money to survive. Also, if I can't offer you something in return then it's hard to help a person out. Olympians are also a dime a dozen there, not to mention not as important as all the celebrities and other VIPs that live in NYC. Who am I?

But in Rochester I'm some sort of hometown hero. It's very flattering and in some ways very funny. I am very grateful to this community for coming together and helping me out. I'm very lucky to live in a city that's big enough to have more than one Wal-Mart but small enough that people know my name when I get my eyebrows waxed. :)

I am off to Montreal tomorrow. I will have updates when I get back next weekend. Have a great week!

Thanks to all my friends and family in Rochester! :) I will be thinking of you.

beijing photos

2007-08-24T21:52:00.000-04:00

Many of you aren't on facebook where I have logged most of my photos from Beijing. If you want to check them out you can go to the following link:

http://stanford.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2084973&l=7b354&id=209614

week by week

2007-08-19T21:50:00.000-04:00

This past week was certainly a long one in terms of training. There is nothing like throwing yourself back into the swing of things. Well-it's a little more planned out than that but it definitely feels like my break during July is a distant memory.

Over the weekend the women's foil team got together with some other fencers for a training camp. It was a great three days and I think we accomplished a lot in getting ready for the Zonal Championships that are coming up. We are leaving for Mont-Tremblanc a week from tomorrow. For those of you that have never heard of Mont-Tremblanc, I believe it's a mountain resort town about two hours from Montreal.

My parents and I have been discussing having them come to the tournament to watch since it's only about seven hours away from Rochester. This is definitely a development especially because my parents never really come to fencing tournaments. I think the last time they saw me fence was in Sydney seven years ago. My how the time goes. It's not that my parents aren't supportive but but they think this is more my thing and they don't really know much about fencing anyways.

I'm still thinking about them going. I don't think it will really affect me mentally but it would be nice to have them around for support. It's always nice to turn around and see your parents standing behind you and cheering.

As for this week we still have lots of practices to go before we leave for Canada. My two US teammates Hanna and Doris are here for the week (Hanna actually came back to Rochester to train) and we should have some good practices.

Viva la vida fencing.

Iris online

2007-08-08T23:16:00.000-04:00

Here are some links to articles/pictures of the Goodwill Tour.

This is an excerpt of a blog we did for nbc sports online.

http://universalsports.nbcsports.com/blogs/post/8

Below are links to the Chinese online articles about the tour. Most of you probably can't read Chinese but there are some good photos on some of them.

http://www.beijing2008.cn/news/official/ioc/n214118913.shtml

http://www.aoyunchina.com/html/aytp/094223193.shtml

http://2008.sohu.com/20070803/n251406819.shtml

http://www.thefirst.cn/90/2007-08-03/110545.htm

http://news.vnet.cn/2007news/20070803/217798.html

http://pic.people.com.cn/GB/1100/6070552.html

http://www.chinanews.com.cn/tp/tyxw/news/2007/08-03/994591.shtml

http://sports.sina.com.cn/o/p/2007-08-03/16053079879.shtml

http://cn.sports.yahoo.com/07-08-/367/29po6.html

http://sports.sohu.com/20070802/n251387681.shtml

http://2008.sohu.com/20070803/n251406815.shtml

The countdown

2007-08-07T23:06:00.000-04:00

So, where were you and what were you doing a year out from the Beijing Olympic Opening Ceremonies?

As most athletes and coaches training for the games know, today was the year mark. There were festivities in Beijing's Tiananmen Square. I am sure the celebration in China was fabulous even though all was quiet here in the states.

Are we all getting excited for the Games? I suggest booking your tickets/hotels/event tickets sooner than later. This is the time that things start to sell out. I believe a lot of the larger hotels in Beijing's center are selling out quickly.

In honor of today I spent the entire morning and afternoon/evening training, sweating, and thinking of Beijing.

A big toast to Beijing! :) I hope we are all there together a year from now.

Jet lag

2007-08-07T00:59:00.000-04:00

It's 1am and I should really be getting some sleep. Unfortunately I am WIDE AWAKE. Oy! My Mom says meditation. My father says warm milk. My sister says tylenol PM. I think I'll try to tire myself by writing on my blog.

I have a short story about today. This morning I woke up at 5am to say good-bye to Felicia who flew back to her job in Dallas. I went back to sleep and woke up again around 9am (9pm China time). I thought that eating breakfast would wake me up but I almost fell asleep in my orange juice..and that's not easy since it's a small glass. My father came down to talk to me during breakfast but he couldn't understand me-my father with the super thick German accent couldn't understand me. Time to go back to bed.

So, I went to bed around 9am only to be woken up by a door bell around 1pm (oopss for sleeping that long). It was another representative for USADA wanting to take a sample. Yet again I had to drink four cups of water, one mug of coffee, and it took an hour for me to produce another sample. Ugh! At least I know the routine now and I wasn't trying to make a flight to Beijing.

I worked out and went to the fencing club to meet with my coach. We are starting up again with our training tomorrow.

Alright, I can't avoid bed anymore. Time to take my jet lagged self to bed.

The art of being Chinese

2007-08-05T03:17:00.000-04:00

A reporter from USA Today asked me whether or not I suffered from some sort of schizophrenia because I'm American with a Chinese/German background. I told him in a very diplomatic way that I felt American first and foremost and have a lot of pride in both of my heritages. However, my mother's push for me to understand the Chinese culture probably caused me to feel more Chinese than German growing up. Not to mention the fact that when most Americans look at me they see someone who is of an asian persuasion.

I actually thought about this question a lot as I wandered around China. When I am out amongst the Chinese I am most definitley a foreigner-an American. Some of the Chinese people don't think I look at all Chinese but I think that's mostly because I dress and act like an American/westerner. But the truth is I feel more at home here with my look than in the United States.

Growing up in Rochester, NY as a half-asian half-German mixed kid was not easy. At least in SF and NYC people see mixed race kids all the time. In elementary school days the popular thing was to taunt the Asian kid (that was me most of the time) with, "Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these." Pretty clever but still made me upset all the same. I just didn't see how I was any different from the rest of the American kids-at least before they started separating me by race.

High school was a bit different in that I was never around and traveling to multiple international tournaments during the year. I was just known as the "fencer girl" so race wasn't as big an issue as my athletic career.

College was an interesting one. I never felt a bigger pull towards being Asian than I did in college. I think there is a tendency to really try and identify yourself within groups and I was the asian girl in my group of four friends at Stanford. I always seemed to pair up and make friends with minorities at Stanford. You want to stand out someway. I wasn't into the Chinese community because I never really felt like I embraced all of the culture-I was a halfy and they had their own group anyways, the happas.

Coming here to Beijing was another step in my self-identification. I definitely don't feel Chinese since my language skills leaves a lot to be desired but I was chosen to be on the Beijing Goodwill Tour because of my asian looks/background. Also answering questions to the Chinese press I felt a greater sense of pride for my Chinese brothers and sisters-they are in the midst of building the greatest Olympics of my time.

I feel more Chinese now than I ever did. After visiting Beijing I want to go home and ask my Mom to speak Chinese to me on a daily basis. I doubt that I will keep it up but it's worth the thought at least.

The best thing about being Chinese (or even half-Chinese) in China is that I finally feel in some way I fit in, even with my American clothes and loud laughter. Here my eyes and facial features on the billboards, television, and everywhere I go. I'm pretty here and not some sort of "exotic" girl some dude might bring home to Mama. I'm "normal" here and my look is normal here. The U.S. may be a melting pot but the broth, vegetables, meat, and other ingredients don't really mix together.

It's nice to open a magazine and finally feel as though I have a familiar face staring back at me and not somee green eyed blonde haired actress. It's nice to feel pretty and it's nice to feel that I am finally part of a community.

Don't get me wrong though. I love being American. I think about how wonderful our country is all the time (well, a tiny bit less so since the 2000 elections) but I still feel as though the melting pot needs to be stirred up a bit more.

Alright, enough of this blogging. It's time to wave goodbye to the Beijing Hilton, grab my bags, and make my way back to the US of A. See you on the west side!

Beijing Press Tour

2007-08-04T10:30:00.001-04:00

(tried to post this last night Beijing time but it didn't go through-this is try number two.)

A few things before I head off to bed. I have been trying to make some posts for the past few days but the computer hasn't logged me on. I don't know what is going on-it's a conspiracy. I finally have the chance tonight so I am going to post some of the articles I have been in-well, besides the chinese articles because I am not sure how to find those on the web.

I have a ton of photos coming to you when I get home-lots of the rest of the group and the Great Wall of China adventure I had today. I also have some thoughts to share but they may have to wait until tomorrow because I AM BEAT! Climbing all those steps were tough and it just keeps going. Did you know that the Great Wall was more than 3,000 miles in length!

Articles and some short articles with photos:

USA Today story

Democrat and Chronicle

AP photo

ESPN photowire

ESPN photowire

ESPN photowire

ESPN photowire

BEIJING

2007-07-31T10:00:00.001-04:00

I AM FINALLY IN BEIJING! Woot!

I am currently sitting in the very swanky Beijing Hilton typing away at my blog. I'm so excited to be here especially having met some of the other athletes here with me on the Goodwill Tour. I had a great ride from the airport to the hotel with a fellow Olympian in the sport of badminton. I have lots to tell you about that but first I have to tell you all about my adventure getting to Beijing.

I woke up early Tuesday morning so I could finish my last minute packing and do a few more things on my checklist before I left for the airport. This is one of the rare moments before traveling that I took extra time to get ready and double check my packed bags.

As I was munching on my breakfast around 8am, with an hour left until I had to get to the airport, a woman shows up at my door.

"Hi, I'm here to do out of competition drug testing. Please pee into this cup."

And I'm thinking to myself, you have GOT to be kidding me. I'm glad I left myself more time but I wasn't expecting to give a doping control sample. Unfortunately I had just visited the restroom not ten minutes earlier so I couldn't give her anything right away.

My parents greeted her at the door as if she was an invited guest to the house. They gave her the royal Zimmermann treatment of coffee and breakfast. My Dad even offered her a bag full of vegetables (cucumbers, squash, and some dill for good measure) from our garden. Seriously? I have to pee in a cup for this woman and my parents are treating her like the Queen of England. They are good people-what would they do if the Queen of England actually showed up? Perhaps sell her the house?

Here I was, face to face with this woman who interrupted my preparations for the airport so I could pee into a cup. I finished my egg and started to drink as much as I could and as quickly as I could. The countdown began. At this point I hoped that my biological processes would kick in because I only had t-minus thirty minutes until it was too late to make the flight to Dulles.

I was still drinking and had no desire to visit the restroom at T-minus fifteen minutes. Then, the phone rang and it was for me this time. What is going on? The phone doesn't usually ring early in the morning unless someone calls for my mother and it's usually never for me.

It's the sports writer from the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle newspaper wanting an interview about the Beijing Goodwill Tour. I'm glad that he did call because he's a great writer and recently did a wonderful article on my comeback to fencing. I explained my predicament to him and told him I had a few minutes to conduct the interview until my "sample" was ready. He laughed.

We conducted the interview and it actually took longer than I expected. It's T-minus 5 minutes, I'm in the middle of the interview and I realized that I have to get to the restroom.

I didn't really want to stop him from asking me questions because we were in a "flow" (no pun intended) at this point. The interview was going really well so here was my predicament-the clock was ticking, I didn't want to interrupt him, and I had to pee.

So, I grabbed the cup, the doping control woman followed me upstairs, I pressed the phone between my ear and my shoulder and I filled the cup up to the maximum line. Mind you-I was still on the phone conducting the interview.

The sports writer does actually read this blog every once in a while but I hope he chooses to skip over this blog entry.

T-minus one minute-I had a full cup in my hand and I finished the interview. Oh yes, I make sure to wash my hands-don't worry.

T-minus thirty seconds and I am signing the dotted line for the sample.

Then the door bell rings. Apparently people can detect when you are behind schedule.

My father answers it and it is someone from DHL delivering a package for me. So, it's actually good that I got caught up with the doping control woman because I needed to bring this package with me to Beijing. It's a bunch of fencing pins that I can give out to the media and anyone that we meet during the Beijing Goodwill Tour.

I shoved the pins in my bag, threw my bag in the car, and just made the flight. Everything went well and I even scored four seats in the middle row on the way from Dulles to Beijing. I spent most of the flight sleeping and the thirteen hours seemed to fly by (well, sort of). I did have to fight a couple people and a flight attendant for the four seats but it was definitely worth it. I am hoping for the same sort of luck on the way home on Sunday.

I'm going to get off of this computer and start exploring. I did bring my camera but unfortunately I didn't bring the attachment to plug it into the computer. Nothing is ever perfect or goes to plan I guess. However, I do plan to put some pictures up of my Beijing adventures when I get back stateside.

Have a good Wednesday! :)

A couple things

2007-07-26T22:17:00.000-04:00

I came back from visiting my sister and the Olympic Training Center in Colorado just a few days ago. Tomorrow I am off to Rhode Island to run a fencing clinic at the Rhode Island Fencing Academy and Club. The coach was nice enough to invite me to teach a weekend clinic at his club in exchange for raising some money for my fencing season. There are good people out there.

The visit with my sister was great and I got a chance to realize how beautiful the state of Colorado is-or at least the trails I hiked and the lake I ran around in the morning. It's nice to move the workout from the gym to the outdoors-not to mention the benefit that the altitude adds to training.

There were many great things about the trip to Colorado but one of the highlights would have to be visiting the Olympic Training Center. Even though I'm one of the athletes that use the facility, I am still in awe of being in a place that lives and breathes the Olympics every day. Not to mention it's pretty cool to see and meet the other atthletes living there.

In other news. I am looking forward to going to Beijing next week for the "Goodwill Tour". I leave on Tuesday and I have already done one interview for USA Today for the Tour. The article that I was interviewed for comes out next Thursday while we are in Beijing. My Mom also told me that the tour was mentioned in a Chinese newspaper a few days ago. The article mentioned me and three other athletes that have Chinese backgrounds.

A lot of things to look forward to in the next week. My hope is to keep everyone in the loop even if some of the posts are few and far between.

Goodwill

2007-07-17T21:05:00.001-04:00

The United States Olympic Committee has asked me and six other athletes to take a trip to Beijing to promote the olympics and good will between the Chinese and Americans. The tour has been aptly named the "Beijing Goodwill Tour".

I am leaving on the 31st of this month for the tour and returning on the 5th of August. The athletes will be doing various press events and might perhaps have the opportunity to meet with the American ambassador. I'm excited to visit the site of the Olympics as I have heard that most of the venues have been built and almost all the preparations have been completed. What I'm really hoping for is the chance to check out the fencing venue-primarly as a boost but also as a tool for visualization.

When I was first asked to do this tour I wasn't thinking much about goodwill but more about a free trip to China. However, after hearing some recent stories from the Pan-American Games in Rio de Janeiro, it has become apparent to me that a Goodwill Tour is necessary.

The Pan-American Games are similar to the Olympics as it is a multi-sport event held every four years, but the Games only include the nations of the Americas. It's a fun event but it doesn't count for points towards qualifying for the Olympic Games-at least for the sport of fencing.

I have been told by some athletes and coaches that the US team wasn't always welcome in Rio. Many spectators would hold anti-American signs up including signs about getting rid of Bush. Although I am not a supporter of Bush, it's one thing for Americans to do it in their own country, but it's another to see foreigners holding up negative signs about your country during a sporting event. The athletes and coaches got along just fine but it was the spectators that made it into a political forum.

In a way I understand why they would use the Pan-American Games in this fashion. Not because this is a large public venue but also because the United States comes in as a tour de force. We are a large unit and the USOC provides a lot for the American athletes-we usually have a lot of details and matters taken care of for us. We often look like the big, rich, insensitive, bully. However, this being said, the Canadians also spend a lot of money to provide their athletes with everything they need in order to perform. So what's the difference? The United States is the most powerful country in the world and our every move is scrutinized-even at the Pan-American Games.

And so, the USOC is taking some initiative with Beijing-starting with the Goodwill Tour. Seven athletes are going to Beijing to represent the United States to show the Chinese (or at least whomever shows up to the press events) that we aren't so bad after all. The situation is a bit different as well-mainly because political policy towards China and political policy towards South America is very different. But all that aside-I think this is a nice gesture by the USOC.

As for this week-I am off to Colorado to visit with Felicia, work with a physical therapist out there, and meet with my sports psychologist at the US Olympic Training Center.

Until next time...

Howdy stranger

2007-07-15T21:56:00.000-04:00

So, it's been a while since I last posted and I only hope I didn't lose everybody that has been following the blog.

The truth is I have been having a great few weeks since Nationals. I took second at National Championships. I wonder if it had something to do with my new found relationship with my Dad? It's always nice to know that you have your family in your corner-so it definitely did help in some way.

After National Championships was over I took the opportunity to take a break. I spent a few days in Miami with some fencing friends of mine-we spent a wonderful fourth of July there. I didn't realize that fireworks were legal in Maimi, but a lot of people were setting them off on the beach. I am still not entirely sure it was so safe but it was interesting at the very least.

Where have I been after that? Well, I finally came home and had some time with my parents and with my sister. She came in on Friday this week to spend a few days and for our induction to the Walk of Fame at Frontier Field in Rochester. The Monroe County Sports Commission and committee of VIPs in Rochester decided that Felicia and I deserved to get a 6" by 6" brick with our names on it on the "Walk of Fame" at Rochester's Frontier Field. It was a great day-really sunny out and there were tons of people in attendance to watch us and a group of ten others get inducted. The tons of people were due to Cal Ripken Jr. Jersey day at the baseball game. I didn't realize that Cal Ripken Jr. played on the triple A Red Wings team before he went into the major leagues. As for the Red Wings today, they had their worst EVER game at Frontier Field. Oh well-you can't win everything.

So, it's been an eventful and restful two weeks since I last posted. I'm actually spending the month of July just cross training and resting up for the next big competition at the end of August. I have a lot to work on outside of fencing and I don't plan on picking up a fencing weapon until the beginning of August when I get back from the Beijing Goodwill Tour. (I will talk about going to Beijing in the next blog-I promise I won't take two weeks to post.)

As for the near future-I am going to Denver, CO this week to visit my sister for the weekend. I am looking forward to hiking in the mountains and visiting Colorado Springs where one of the US Olympic Training Centers is located.

I hope all is well with everyone and big apologies for not blogging sooner.

When you least suspect it

2007-06-27T23:47:00.000-04:00

The truth is that I don't have much to say about the last world cup or the one before that. Or even the one before that. Let's just say that it's been a tough year all around and before I start getting into a bitter recap of the year, I would like to tell a bit of a story about why today was a wonderful day.

This was the first day I woke up and I felt like I was coming out of a dark fog. Seriously, it felt as though when I woke up, the clouds had parted way for a few moments so I could finally feel a bit of that sunshine. I knew today would in some way be epic-I just knew it.

I went to the gym around 8am, had a good workout, and then headed to get a massage. During my massage, I receive nine missed calls. In an hour and a half I had received nine messages, how is that even possible? I may have a blog but I am just not that popular, people!

So, I checked my messages and called the first person back-my coach, Nat. We talked a bit about National championships coming up on Saturday, about her getting inducted into the Hall of Fame, and then she mentioned something peculiar. Earlier that day she called my house to find me and started a conversation with my father. Actually, the interesting part is that HE started the conversation with her.

Here is where you need a bit of background. My Dad is a tough guy with a soft heart and a quick temper. If you remember, he's the guy that was none to happy about my return to home at the age of 26. Also, it's been my impression that he wasn't always too happy about my sister and my commitment to fencing because I think he felt like we sacrificed too much.

In some ways his behavior is understandable because he's been through a lot in his life-he grew up in what was left of Berlin after WWII, his family struggled, he went out on his own when he was just 17, and eventually moved to a whole new country that was not always too friendly to immigrants, especially an immigrant with a thick German accent and some trouble with English grammar. I do have to say that he has a funny sense of humor. Sometimes, even in the face of my own embarrassment, he manages to strike up conversations with perfect strangers that don't seem to want to be bothered. Most of the time his sense of humor and accent gets through and he gets them to respond-in a good way with a laugh or a smile. He's a good guy but we don't always speak.

My father and I have had days or a week even where we don't even say a word to each other. I come home from practice and he's just doing his thing in the house and sometimes just a simple "hi" crosses between us. That was us, that was our routine. Well, except for the once in a while where we would yell at each other-mostly about money and how I am going to have to pay him back for something, etc.

Anyways, so my father-the thick accented, funny, sometimes crazy, father-struck up a conversation with coach Nat. He was concerned because after this tournament in Vegas I came home with what seemed like an irreversible frown and dark demeanor. After a bit of questioning, my coach came out with it, "I think Iris is a bit sad and some things are happening in her mind that she's having trouble with. This year has been hard on her and we are both looking forward to the summer to rest up and get ready for next year." These words, "I think Iris is sad" hit my father the hardest. "What should I do?", he said to Nat. "Take her out to lunch, talk to her", she said. "I want to help her but I'm not much of a talker. In fact, she and I don't talk, we only yell at each other. But, I will try.", said Dad.

The other eight calls on my phone? Well, besides the one from my mother? All from my Dad's cell phone. I called him back and we set a time for dinner with Mom-Outback Steakhouse-where everyone has a family get together.

My Mom had to work after dinner so my father and I drove in a separate car. This, my friends, was beyond awkward. My father had this big smile on his face which looked a bit forced and strange. He looked awkward, I felt awkward, and there it went. We talked a little about getting my car registered in the state of New York, and then came the SO.

"So, I hear from Nat that you are having trouble. You shouldn't worry, we are proud of you, no matter how you do."

At this point I was glad I was wearing big black sunglasses so he couldn't see my eyes tearing up.

He went on, "You have always been a great girl. You have always done the right thing. Between your coach and your mother you haven't even had time to breathe, let alone do all the things you want to do."

There was some back and forth and I had to stress to him that I felt badly and I am not sure where it was coming from-my mother, the way I was raised, my coach, genetics, who knew. The bottom line was that I needed to see someone about this problem. "I feel like a failure. I feel like I have dissapointed everyone.", I told him, and this was hard for him to hear.

"But we are so proud of you. And you shouldn't listen to anyone's opinion."

"Thanks, Dad."

"Well, it's true. I always say (and yes, he is famous for this) 'if they don't pay your bills, then they have nothing to say'."

I didn't really want to be the one to remind him that he doesn't really pay my bills, but this wasn't the time for that.

But the best part of the conversation, was when he said this. "I am sorry that I haven't been there for you. Your mother is behind this Olympic stuff one hundred percent and I haven't been there. From now on, I will be there for you, no matter what. We will support you. We will be there. I know I've been hard on you and I've been a jerk, but I will be there for you. I support you."

Even typing those words out-even though I can't remember everything verbatim, I can't stop myself from crying. All the negative thoughts and feelings I have had in the past few months about my fencing seemed to vanish with his words. Was I waiting for his approval this whole time? Maybe, maybe not. But I think that his words made me feel so much stronger in one fell swoop. In one moment I went from feeling like I had the world on my shoulders to feeling that no matter what, I had him, my Mom, my sister, and Nat standing there, waiting to catch me if I fall. This means a lot to a person who feels like she's been falling this entire year.

Sometimes the relationship between a parent and a child can seem lost but we are just waiting for the other to speak up. To say something, to be the parent and to be the child, to fullfill those roles in your own way and not some Brady Bunch manner. I'm so grateful that my father stepped out of his comfort zone to remind me that he was still my father-the same one in the photos where he's got me in a bear hug as a toddler or holding me as a newborn. It's hard to remember those times as you get older but it's nice to be reminded that that bond is still there. I am so lucky and so grateful for today-I knew it was going to be amazing.

I think that this gives you an idea of how I want to sum up the year and how it went but it's not all bad. Just like this story it will all have a happy ending and will be full of adventures and memories that will shape the next steps in my life and be part of the bigger story of my life that I will tell my own children.

Website

2007-06-21T14:31:00.000-04:00

www.iriszimmermann.com

is finally operational! Yes! This has been a long and coming project..I think we started in January, but the website is finally up and running!

Many thanks to Dave Pronko of Steelhorse Studios for designing the site and to Barbara Grosh of Crafting Links for site development. THANK YOU BOTH! :) I just like to add that they did the website for me for free as a contribution to my fencing. Thank you again!

Please feel free to go to the website and check it out. Let me know your likes (since there shouldn't be any dislikes!) and please sign up for a newsletter subscription!

From Fidel to George Bush International

2007-06-18T00:50:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, I went from Cuba to George Bush International airport in Houston. Life as an Olympic fencer is always interesting.

Below is a photo of some of the propaganda that is going around on the island about George the 2nd.

Brings new meaning to "one's man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter". Figure that one out.

Enough politics..more fencing.

In Cuba, the US team passed Venezuela which means we are now the top team in the hemisphere and in position to qualify the team for the Olympic games. Just a recap-by April 1, 2008, the US team has be ranked ahead of Canada and Venezuela - the other countries in this North and South American block don't really have strong teams besides the three. This is very good news-this is the first time this year that the US women's foil team has been ahead.

The next big team tournament is at the Pan-American zonal championships in August. Last year we took second to Venezuela but that isn't going to happen this year. We have beaten them several time since the last zonal competition.

Not much else to report except for the fact that I am back in the states. Yeah, Texas. I'll be here for a few days before going to Vegas for the last world cup of the season-I fence on Friday and Saturday.

By the way, a belated Happy Father's Day to all the Dad's and a big hug to my Dad!

Embargo? What embargo?

2007-06-10T22:08:00.000-04:00

The team is off to Havana, Cuba tomorrow for the last grand prix world cup of the season. I am not going to get started about the embargo but I think it's crazy that I am going to leave Rochester at 6:20am and I won't be in Havana until about 10pm. Why is that? Well, not only do I have to make plane reservations with an agency in Canada, but I also have to go through Cancun in order to get to Cuba. The lay over in Cancun for the one flight a day to Cuba is about eight hours.

Cancun for eight hours with the team isn't so bad. One year, one of the coaches decided to dare the rest of the team, for money, that he couldn't leave a slice of jalapeno pepper up his nose for the eight hour lay over. He's a bit insane and ended up winning about $40-I think we took pity on him three hours later and let him take the pepper out when his nose was inflamed and red. These are the things we do on these trips-very grown up and mature.

Anyways, enough about jalapeno peppers, this is supposed to be a serious blog about training for the Olympics.

The world cup in Cuba will be both an individual and team event starting Wednesday and ending on Friday. My hope for this year is that all the electricity will be able to stay on during the entire tournament. In addition to the intermittent electricity, there is intermittent/no air conditioning. The hotel turned off the air conditioning to the rooms in order to provide power to the fencing tournament that was taking place on the second floor of the hotel. The things we take for granted, like a working power grid.

As I think about how things were last year at this tournament, a few things come up. Cuba was my first world cup back and at that point I was still working on the Westly campaign in California. I feel like it's been ages since then and I am very curious to see how different I am and feel at this competition.

I also remember that last year was a bit of an administrative mess with the organizing committee of the competition. The competition ended up taking place in one day as apposed to two because they kept messing up the world rankings and names of the competitors. I ended up having to email the FIE (international fencing association) in Cuba for the Cuban federation because they weren't too sure what was going on. By email I mean, somehow send a message through the most archaic computer and email system I have ever seen. When I finished emailing the FIE, I was a translator between the Cubans and the Russian team. I spoke to the Cubans in Spanish of course and then I would translate back and forth to the Russians. And I wonder why I chose international relations as my collegiate course of study.

It's off to Cuba tomorrow. My schedule after the competition looks a bit like this:

6/16-6/20- training camp in Houston, TX at Salle Mauro
6/20-6/24- World Cup in Las Vegas, NV
6/24-6/28- home
6/28-7/5- National Championships in Miami, FL

The marathon continues.

Moving up in the world

2007-06-04T22:34:00.000-04:00

Argentina was a good event. The American women, as a whole, did very well. I ended up 7th and managed to move several spots in the rankings to 36th-I'm out of the 40's! Woot!

I actually had a great time fencing in Buenos Aires and that's not just because I did well (but it doesn't hurt!). I'm having fun because I feel as though I am making progress and learning from each experience. My coach and I, after each tournament, take notes, work on something, and in the following tournament, the result usually reflects the preparation we have done.

So what's up next this week?

I'm leaving for NYC on Wednesday morning to train there for a few days before heading to the last grand prix world cup of the season, which is in Havana, Cuba. This isn't the last world cup of the season, but it's the last grand prix world cup which counts double points. Friends of mine joke that I spend more time in the air than on the ground. I think if I really calculated the time and mileage, they may not be far off the mark. However crazy the schedule is, I am still having fun and you're only young once. :) Besides, I know Dulles and Atlanta airports like the back of my hand now. Is that a good thing?

It's been a while since I've been to NYC, I trained there for the 2004 games. A part of me is a little nervous to return to the place where my old coach will be. I'm trying not to think of the significance because it will probably be more of a distraction than I need at this point. But-if you have read my past entries from the beginning of this journey, you know how difficult it was for me to separate him from my life and my fencing. He was once someone who meant a lot to me as he was a father figure-I think I spent more time with him than I did with my own parents. But as I got older and developed a mind of my own we clashed and have never repaired our relationship. Things with him will never be the same but I am glad for it because it means that I am much stronger and capable to stand on my own. I think the appropriate phrase here would be-"I've come a long way, baby."

If you came later to this blog and are not sure of what I am talking about in reference to my old coach, you can go back to the beginning of the blog posts because he is very much a part of them. As I've gone through this year his influence is no longer but I went through a lot just to come to this point. If you haven't read the previous posts about him, I would encourage you to do it since it was such a big part of this year.

So in conclusion, Argentina went well and the season is winding down with it's last few tournaments. I have made significant progress and I am enjoying myself along the way. Life is but a dream, and I am definitely living it. :)

Buenos Aires

2007-05-29T23:48:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am going to Buenos Aires tomorrow for the next world cup. It's been about ten years since I was last there and I forgot about the 10 hour trip it takes to get there.

I probably won't post between now and when I get back on Monday.

Have a great week and weekend! :)

Family of friends

2007-05-28T22:41:00.000-04:00

It's Memorial Day. For some, this day means little more than an extra day off of work or school, barbecues with the family, or the true start of summer.

However, this morning I was struck by the sadness of a photo on the front page of the New York Times. The photograph was of a young woman, probably my age, laying down on the grave site of her fiance who was killed in Iraq this past February. In that moment I thought about what it would feel like to be her-to love someone and lose them to something that you weren't even sure of.

So, with that thought and this image, I bow my head and say a prayer to all the men and women who have sacrificed their lives to protect our country.

It's not so easy to transition from this topic to the next, which is more upbeat, but I want to bring it up anyways since this is my blog and I can write what I want to.

This past weekend I had an opportunity to attend a wonderful wedding in North Carolina. The groom is a friend of mine and a great fencer, Keeth Smart. His sister Erinn, who was a bridesmaid in the wedding, is also a good friend and teammate of mine.

So Iris, what's the point? Well, there were several fencers that were present at the wedding as well. A lot of these fencers I grew up with as a teenager-we were teammates and friends. We had our first travel, competition, and going out expereinces together. One of the people in the group was the first person I ever kissed-he and I shared my first kiss in Valencia, Venezuela of all places about seven or eight years ago.

Most of the fencers at the wedding retired from the sport so I haven't seen them in so long. But, it was like picking up where we left off. Seeing them was a reminder of how close we all become when we share these experiences together.

We are a family. The fencing group is definitely like a family. We know each other very intimately-in a way that most people don't understand. We are part of a sport and part of something bigger than ourselves. These are the people that I can turn to and without a word they will understand everything that I am going through.

The most interesting part of speaking with all of them-it was clear that none of them could shake the sport. Most of them applauded me for continuing to pursue my dream because they would love to do the same. One of my friends at the wedding, mentioned how much of a hole she felt in her life after she left the sport-like a part of her was always missing.

I feel the same. Just recently I realized how happy I was to be back in the sport. I know there was a lot of hesitation at the risk in the beginning, but now I feel like I have finally found what I was looking for. I love the traveling, I love the people in the sport, and I love the game itself.

I am very lucky to have the opportunity to pursue my passions and to make so many close friends in the process. I know that they will always be there and these memories will always make us smile.

Fencing is 90% mental and the rest is just in your head

2007-05-25T23:03:00.000-04:00

So, for you Yogi Berra fans out there you might recognize one of his quotes that I have doctored up. He once said about his beloved game, "Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.". Oh Yogi, you always know how to make people laugh and sort of get the point at the same time.

I was just thinking the other day of how to get across on the blog how much it takes, mentally, to be at the top of the athletics game. There is very little separating the best from the winners. There are a lot of great fencers out there but there is a difference between the winners and the ones who just make the same results-it's all mental. The stronger you are at dealing with competition-the heightened emotion, the nervousness, anxiety, sometimes the fear, and the definite uncertainty of outcome-the better you are. Having confidence helps but where does all that come from? Your mind.

It's interesting to consider the mind and body connection. Whatever your mind thinks-your body will react in kind, especially during a highly stressful situation such as high level athletic competition. For example let's take some of my past experiences. In the past before a match, if I would envision the task of winning a match as if it were a great big mountain, I would instantly become nervous and very often fatigued. In my mind's eye I would see a huge mountain and feel exhausted at the thought of climbing it-I had already lost the match in my mind. However, if I approached a match with the feeling that I am working step by step towards a goal, my body would respond in kind. I would be ready to fight and most likely win.

In fencing your greatest opponent is yourself. It's a very intense sport where decisions need to be made quickly and you have to believe they will work in that same instant. There is always more than one way to figure out how to hit someone but you have to have ultimate faith that you can come up with the answer and make it happen-no question marks. If there is any hesitation you have will most likely have the opponents tip on your chest-not a pleasant experience.

I actually started thinking about this at the world cup in Shanghai after listening in on a conversation that my coach was having with a fencer named Giovanna Trillini. (Actually, I have long been working with a sports psychologist so I've been giving the mind and body connection a lot of thought for a while). Anyways-Trillini, as I call her, is one of the greatest fencers of all time. She has won more medals than I will ever see in my lifetime. She has been on every Italian Olympic team since 1992 and she is going for her fifth run at Beijing. Click on her name to get her full stats.

Fencers have trained to be like her-myself included. But here she was in Shanghai, the 1992 Olympic gold medallist (which she won with a messed up knee and a large brace), talk about how she didn't do well at the world cup in Shanghai because she hadn't taken lessons in a week due to the flu. If anyone could enter a world cup and win without taking lessons for five years-it would be Trillini. BUT-here it is folks, the big BUT, in her mind she believed that she wasn't sharp enough on her feet and in her hand to make the top-four in the competition because she hadn't trained in a week. My coach and I were just floored. If she doesn't have the confidence to win, than who does?

The mind plays a significant role in where an athlete ends up-are they going to be a champion or will they always be just good? And in this case, sometimes champions can't get into the zone at a competition which makes competition all the more unpredictable and all the more exciting.

I spend a lot of time in the gym but I have learned that in order to make the transition into the athlete that I want to become, the same if not more amount of time needs to be spent working on mental preparation. The adage is true-if you believe it, you can achieve it. You just have to get your mind in concert with your heart and have faith that you can get to the top of the mountain, which is only a mole hill anyways.

Insomnia

2007-05-25T00:24:00.000-04:00

The best part about coming back from Asia-being home. The worst part, two words-JET and LAG. Even after all my travels it's still hard to return home from a long trip but the large time difference in Asia, it's sort of making my head spin.

During the days I'm always tired because of course, my body thinks it's time to sleep. I push through the day and then at night when I think I'm going to be at my peak of being tired and being ready for bed, I'm WIDE AWAKE. WIDE AWAKE. Last night I "fell asleep" (I wouldn't call it sleeping, more like a light doze) around 1am and then I woke up every hour from 5:30am on.

I asked my coach and she is experiencing the same sort of dazy days and wide awake nights. We are both using the opportunity to catch up on some work late into the night. She does some paper work for the US Fencing office and I blog about the jet lag experience.

However, I am going to try and get to sleep a little sooner tonight because I have to be up early to go to the gym.

The trip to Asia was wonderful and I am now look forward to going to Buenos Aires next week. The fun never stops in the Olympic fencer world.

Back in town-sort of

2007-05-22T12:46:00.000-04:00

Hi all. I am finally back in the US of A after a long tour in Asia. I'm not actually in Rochester at the moment but I have decided to take two or three days off in California before heading back home to train. My next event is in about two weeks in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

The tournament in Tokyo went well for the team. We placed in the top-eight ahead of our two zonal competitors, Venezuela and Canada. Just in case you didn't know-in order to qualify a team to the Olympic Games, the USA has to be ahead of the other countries in the hemisphere by the end of April 2008. As of now the US women's foil team has placed ahead of all our competitors in both world cup team events in Korea and Japan (there was to team in Shanghai).

I'm really happy to be home at the moment. I can't believe how long it's been. Right now I feel like a walking zombie but I am sure the jet lag will go away soon enough.

Have a great week!

When in Shanghai

2007-05-15T20:48:00.000-04:00

Current location: An amazing apartment in the PuDong area of Shanghai, China.

PuDong is a very different place from where we were for the fencing tournament. This place I am staying in is a newer area that was developed about fifteen years ago. Apparently it was a bunch of ranches with oranges before it changed into a very upscale part of town-think the upper east side of Manhattan. On one side of the river the streets are narrow, crowded, and dirty. On the PuDong side the roads are bigger, everyone is dressed much differently, and everything is so clean and new. Many Chinese and other foreign nationals have moved into the area including my Aunt Cecilia.

The amazing thing is my Aunt Cecilia is Chinese but she isn’t related to my mother. She is the reason why my mother and my father ended up together. Aunt Cecilia and my mother worked together as nurses in a Berlin hospital in the sixties. My Aunt was dating my uncle and then she introduced my Mother to my Uncle’s brother-my father, and the rest is history. It’s a pretty amazing family tree.

The apartment that she has in PuDong is short of amazing. Actually, it isn’t short of amazing, it’s pretty lush for sure. She designed every inch of the apartment including the “Japanese room” complete with a table that winds up out of the floor for Mah Jong.You have to see it to believe it.

The best part of staying in this apartment is my Aunt. This woman is a tour de force. She is nearly seventy and there are no signs of slowing down. In fact, there are no signs of her being seventy, a lot of the team thought she was in her fifties.

My Aunt has impressed the entire fencing team by taking us to various markets here and bargaining her way to $10 designer jean knock-offs. At the beginning of the shopping day she said, “you choose what you want and I will do the rest” and that she did. I can’t believe it but she was such a good bargainer that it took four people at the store just to bargain with her and not only that she has a reputation at the market for being a “clever bargainer”. I couldn’t believe it. I think she brought some of these store owners to tears. One guy didn’t even try to bargain with her because he saw what she did in the store next door to him.

My aunt commands an audience and people stop and listen to her everywhere we go. She said she has always been really good with groups and for some reason people listen to her. I think there is definitely a charismatic way about her or perhaps it’s the face she gives when she tells you to do something-the face is something like a cross between a motherly concern and a I’m-going-to-make-you-do-this-no-matter-what face.

So, what does this have to do with fencing and why am I putting this on the blog? I think it is truly significant that she has dropped into my life at this time. I haven’t seen her in many many years and I think I can count on one hand the number of times we have seen each other in my life.

I need to inject some of her take no prisoners, take charge and go for it attitude when I fence. Last weekend in Shanghai I did really well the first day and during the second day of competition things didn’t go as well. For some reason I was nervous. I knew I could beat the French girl I was paired up with but I was still nervous and lost the bout by one touch.

I can’t see my Aunt Cecilia ever getting nervous in the face of competition. She faces things head on. She said to me in a cab ride home once that in her life she always decides what she wants and never asks questions. I think that’s an amazing attitude to have. She never goes with the flow and always goes her own way and it works because she trusts herself. I think that is the bottom line lesson I am supposed to learn from her this week-no matter what you have to trust yourself. She doesn’t care what anyone thinks or does, she does what she wants and never asks whether it’s the “right thing to do”. She absolutely has unwavering faith in herself.

I am certainly glad that I am catching up with her in Shanghai and that I have the opportunity to stay at her amazing place in PuDong, before heading off to Japan on Thursday. I wish all of you had an Aunt Cecilia in your life.

Cultural differences-Korea Day 6

2007-05-09T07:32:00.000-04:00

This morning after a breakfast of seaweed and rice (they have toast here too but I actually liked the seaweed) I decided to get a workout in at the hotel health club.

The workout wasn't the problem-the gym was actually pretty good and everyone was seriously into their exercising. It was when I tried to check out the sauna that everything became a cultural faux pas on my part.

My first mistake was entering into the sauna/steam room/whirlpool area in a bathrobe. It is definitely an American thing to make sure you're covered in all the right places but in Korea, in this circumstance, everyone was buck naked. So, I took off the robe. When in Seoul.

Second mistake. In Korea they have three different types of "whirlpools"-one is cold, one is very hot, and the other one is bubbly and warm. I opted for the bubbly and warm one and just jumped right in. WRONG. After observing some of my naked friends, they took buckets of water, splashed themselves with the water and didn't get in. I got a very nasty look-I think I contaminated their water.

Third mistake. Don't stare. There was an area where you could take a shower but it wasn't a stand up shower. There were a few stations equipped with a shower nozzle, mirror, and shelf. In order to shower you had to squat onto a plastic seat, facing the mirror and then hand hold the shower nozzle. Each station looked like some short version of a vanity that you would use to put make up on, except for you were naked and showering with someone right next to you. I guess I shouldn't be staring but I would definitely have to work up to something like that. What can I say, I'm American-I like wearing a robe and leaving something to the imagination.

Regardless of all my cultural mistakes, I was able to get in a good sauna and an accidental whirlpool. It felt great after my morning workout and before afternoon practice.

I have one more day in Korea and then it's off to Shanghai for the next world cup. It's about time since I think I've eaten my quota of kim chi.

Everything is in Korean

2007-05-07T02:29:00.000-04:00

Long time no post. This post is going to be a bit interesting since all of the buttons and commands on the computer are all in Korean. I am in for a challenge-I just hope I press the "post" button instead of the "erase" button at the end.

I fenced in the first Olympic qualifier event this weekend in Seoul, Korea. I ended up 24th overall and the team took 9th. I am very proud of the USA team since we almost beat Hungary in overtime and Hungary ended up taking 2nd in the competition. Our team is a threat to everyone and we have beaten all the top level teams in one event or another.

As for the individual event I made some great strides personally and mentally. For one, I broke into the top-32 brackets which has been elusive since the first world cup in Austria in February. I drew a tough person in the second round and my Romanian opponent ended up taking third (she only ended up losing to the person that won the competition). We were tied going into the third round and two crucial mistakes made the difference between winning and losing for me.

The team is staying in Korea for the week to train until we leave for Shanghai, the site of our next world cup on this asian tour.

Apologies for not blogging a lot but it's difficult to get everything out on the interweb with limited access to the internet and limited time. During the down moments, when I am not practicing and competing, I like to spend time away from fencing. It helps to refresh me for the next steps if I take the time to do something else besides fencing, even if it is thinking about the clouds in the sky or the kim chi I am going to eat this week.

Have a great week everyone!

Feelin' lucky

2007-04-28T00:19:00.000-04:00

I received a check in the mail today from the Greater Rochester Amateur Foundation, and it turns out that a few people have donated to me after reading an article in the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle. I am not sure why I am surprised but I just didn't expect people to respond.

In addition to receiving some donations, I also received a few letters that encouraged me to follow my dreams. I think that the letters come at a very important time.

Next week officially starts the Olympic trials. The tournaments from now until April 2008 count towards Beijing-starting with Seoul, Korea a week from today.

When I spoke with my sport's psychologist this past week she told me that she hears a sense of calm in my voice that she's never heard before. I think part of that is due to last week's not so stellar performance in Tucson. There was a moment in my last match where I panicked. I had underestimated my opponent, she pulled ahead a bit and then I panicked. Right after the match I was stunned and couldn't understand where that panic came from but I definitely believe that we learn our biggest lessons with our biggest defeats.

After the tournament I stepped back to evaluate the tournament and I realized that the panic came because I was afraid to lose. The bottomline is that you cannot put everything into the fight, into each match, each touch, each competition, every practice, unless you are free of fear. Fear of losing, fear of other's people's perceptions, fear of not doing the right thing. The person who ends up winning isn't always the person who does everything perfectly but it is the person who wants it the most. If we are truly determined (and almost desparately determined) to reach a goal we don't experience the fear-we don't have time to bring fear into consideration.

The best part of competition is that it heightens stress and emotions to the point that it brings out the very best and the very worse of what you are feeling internally. In Tucson, I was not at my best but afterwards I made a pact with myself to finally rid myself the fear of losing. There isn't time for that if I am completely and utterly focused on making the team.

I have to admit that there was part of me, when this journey started, that wanted to hold myself back. In a way I was trying to protect myself after having fallen short of making the 2004 Olympic team. But now I have truly realized that I can't continue this and achieve the goals I have set out unless I put everything into this-blood, sweat, tears, heart, soul, everything. To the outside observer this may seem a bit extreme but this is also the reason that not everyone makes an Olympic team. It's also the reason that people are in awe of Olympians because of their determination and sacrifice to achieve a goal. So, who wants it most?

The answer is me.

quick update

2007-04-24T23:17:00.000-04:00

Sorry for being so delayed in getting results to you. I am busy getting ready for the next set of tournaments coming up. My schedule is the following:

Wed-Fri fence at Penn State (just practice)

Saturday leave for San Francisco

Tuesday leave for Seoul, Korea

As you can see, the next week or so is kind of crazy and I am trying to prepare.

In Tucson I took 7th. Not my best result but I have many thoughts about it. It's a good thing that the tournament doesn't count for much.

I have much to talk about in the next blog.

Just a few short notes

2007-04-18T23:09:00.000-04:00

I am leaving for Tucson on Friday for the next national fencing event. The Division I women's foil event is on Saturday morning-I am not sure who came up with the 7-8am registration and 8:30am start time.

There will be much to report on Sunday when I get home.

A group of friends from the political campaign and Stanford are helping me put together a fundraiser in Palo Alto at the end of May. For now the info is as follows:

What: BBQ Fundraiser for Olympian and 2008 Olympic Hopeful Iris Zimmermann
When: May 25th afternoon (exact time TBD)
Where: Palo Alto (exact location TBD)
Entry: $20 donation

More information as it comes in.

And last but not least....

BLADES OF GLORY

Sounds like it should be a title for a cheesy fencing movie. Instead, it's the title of the new Will Ferrell flick that I saw this evening. (Going to the movies is part of the "relax before the tournament" plan).

There were a couple of funny scenes but the most hilarious part is how much I felt like I could relate to the premise of this silly movie. I laughed out loud when I realized this movie was about two top skaters coming back to the sport with different mindsets after a three year hiatus. Kind of makes me feel my story has been written before...

If you want to read more about the movie click here.

Recently published articles

2007-04-17T13:39:00.000-04:00

There were two articles about my journey to Beijing in Rochester publications. Below are the links:

Democrat and Chronicle-click here

This article was also published in USA Today:

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/olympics/summer/2007-04-17-fencing-zimmerman_N.htm

Insider Magazine-click here

Enjoy!

Prepare for preparation to prepare

2007-04-17T11:54:00.000-04:00

After twenty years of fencing I definitely know how to prepare for a competition, but....

I have to admit that the concept of tapering or "reduced training during the time frame directly preceding an athletic event" has always alluded me. I am not sure if I know how to reduce the amount of workload-I love to train and workout.

Many studies have been done on how much time an athlete should spend working out and physically preparing for a competition. Most of the studies that are done are sports specific or more specific to endurance competitions.

Take for example a marathon runner-since the Boston marathon was just completed. (By the way, what's with the female astronaut running for four hours along with the marathon? Let's talk about overachieving.) A lot about the marathon isn't a mystery-you know exactly how much time it takes to win, you know the track, you know what you feel like when you run long distances, you know how fast and how far you need to run each day leading up to the competition. I bet other long endurance races are similar in that there aren't a ton of mysteries about the race and therefore you can plan your training regimen right up until race day.

However, for sports like fencing where there are a lot of unpredictable factors during competition. The known entities for the fencer are the start time and the weapon they fence, but beyond that there aren't too many certainties about length of competition, who you are going to compete against, and what type of conditions exist at the fencing venue. The most important factor that takes a lot of time and experience for a fencer to figure out is how much should I, personally, train up until the tournament? The Japanese team does footwork in the hallways of the hotel before a world cup and one of my teammates does next to nothing a week before competition. They both do reasonably similar.

From my own twenty years of experience, the week before a competition isn't crucial for learning new things, let alone doing footwork in the hallway of a hotel. To me these types of things are like cramming for a test, it doesn't do anything but make you more nervous. For me, the week before a competition is crucial for mental preparation-of course you can't stop working out altogether, but your mind is the most important factor. If you don't feel like you have the right state of mind going into the competition it may be hard to pull yourself into a positive "in the zone" state once you are in the competition. (Although I have done that in the past as well.)

Again, it's not always easy to gauge exactly what you need before the competition to create a sense of readiness and sometimes you have to just rely on feeling. When I was younger I used to get so stressed out that I would often break down in tears at practice prior to the competition. Before I won cadet world championships at the age of 14, I spent one night after practice crying and sitting by my locker with my teammate Suzie Paxton. And although I don't remember this, Nat told me that I would often take Pepto Bismol before each competition-I must have blocked out that memory.

First of all I am too old to break down in tears anymore and there are better ways to handle mentally preparing for a competition besides breaking down. After working with a sports psychologist for the past few months and experiencing fencing as a "new me", I have come up with a few ways to put myself in a positive state of mind. It's important for me to feel happy and ready for the upcoming challenge. In other words, the more I look forward to being there, the better prepared I feel. This is not an easy concept for me since I was always filled with such dread before each competition-what if I don't win, what if I don't perform or do the right things, what if, what if.

The thing about veteran athletes is that they don't believe in the what if's and the second guessing. They just believe in themselves and aren't afraid to face competition and any of the uncertainties that come with it. Casey once told me something along the lines of, "At competition all the work is done and all that is left is to let yourself enjoy the experience."

So, here is to enjoying the experience and taking some time to rest/relax and blog.

An aside:

By now I am sure that everyone has been inundated by stories about the senseless acts that happened at Virginia Tech yesterday morning. I would like to send out my condolences to the students, staff, family, and friends of the students of the University who had to experience this tragedy.

the downside

2007-04-14T17:22:00.000-04:00

There aren't many downsides to training for the Olympics but I am definitely in the middle of a downside this weekend-or more appropriately April 16th, tax day.

Unfortunately, the life of an elite athlete in a sport that doesn't involve a ball being thrown around is not a lucrative one. The USOC grants are wonderful until tax day because taxes aren't taken out of the grant until the day you pay taxes and the amount that you are given do not cover the costs of the taxes you have to pay. It's quite the catch-22. The upside, the USFA just provided a results grant to the women's foil team for about $1,000, but I can't cash in because the fencing assocation is having cash flow problems. Hmmm....

This money complaint is fast becoming my new favorite country song, I just need a truck and a dog. Someone recently wrote a check to me through GRAAF, but it turns out the guy who writes the checks at the non-profit has been "out" for about a month. I don't know where he is but I can't even leave him a message on his machine anymore because it's full.

Shall I go on? How about, I feel as though while I am training for the Olympics I feel extremely pressured by all the money I owe for medical bills, taxes, and other bills. I think April 16th is a rough day for everyone but just know that it isn't any easier for an Olympian. I can't tell you how many bills I have stacking up in the corner for medical expenses from x-rays to the cast that was on my hand a few months ago. The US Fencing Association was supposed to pick up the tab for that but their insurance company told me I have a $500 deductible-which means they are only responsible for $200 of the total bill. Great, thanks.

I am not really looking for sympathy so much as a solution. Hopefully I will come through with something before I mail those thick tax return envelopes on Monday.

Good luck to everyone else this tax season.

Relax?

2007-04-11T23:01:00.000-04:00

Today I went to the doctor for my annual physical. I believe I passed with flying colors. She asked me several questions about my health, do I smoke, do I drink, etc. Of course I said no and then she came to the question, do you do physical exercise on a regular basis? She then paused, looked at me, and we both laughed out loud. I guess that's a yes, she said.

And that wasn't even the funniest part of the whole exam (you can find laughter in anything, especially when you're wearing a hospital gown). The doc sat me at the end of the table and then proceeded to do the reflex test. You know the test, the one where they take a triangular rubber thing attached to the end of a stick and they hit various places to produce a reflex. I haven't failed at many things in my life but this is one instance where I never produce a reflex.

I don't think she has ever done this test on me so she was puzzled when she didn't get a reaction. She tried the other knee, then my elbow, then my wrist, and then furrowed her brow.

The doc: Relax, Iris.

Me: I am relaxed (I'm sort of nervous and shouting-yeah right I'm relaxed).

The doc: Um, well, we should talk.

Me: (Nervously-of course I am nervous, I am in a hospital gown) About what?

Doc: So, what do you do for fun?

Me: I don't know. (Should I have a good answer for this?)

Doc: You don't know? Do you do something other than fencing that is just something you do for you know, F-U-N?

Me: Fencing is the fun?

Doc: You know what relaxation is? Don't you?

Me: Sure I know what it is. I started playing piano a few months ago, but I was starting to get frustrated that I couldn't practice more often to play the songs more fluidly. It was stressful. Oh yeah, and when I was living in California I used to do bollywood dancing for fun. Yeah, they fitted me for an outfit the first day and when I couldn't get the steps after a few weeks, I quit. It was stressful.

Now that the conversation is written out I understand why my doctor responded with pure and deep laughter. I mean, the laughter just came from her toes to her stomach and out her mouth as a loud raucous laugh. This laughter wasn't really about picturing me doing bollywood dancing, but this laughter was about my inability to feel relaxed.

This got me thinking. The reality is that I wake up each day with the Olympics on my mind and questions for myself-am I doing enough? Will I win the next competition? If I do more of x will this help me become the best fencer? Did I get enough sleep? Should I eat more, should I eat less? You should hear these crazy conversations and questions I ask myself each day all for the sake of being the best I can be as a fencer.

At some point I accepted these questions because this is my life and didn't see it as stress but just part of an everyday routine. However, sometimes without realizing, the questioning and the drive to excel can become overwhelming. I really think there is something to be said about rejuvenating the mind, body, and soul through doing things just for the sake of doing things.

This isn't to say that I am stressed out, but I think it's important to acknowledge that rest can sometimes do more good than getting back on that treadmill for an hour. Sometimes the mind just needs a day off. Which I ended up doing today thanks to the doctor. I called up some friends and just hung out, talked about nothing in particular, and enjoyed a nice tall glass of milk and chocolate cake (it's on the diet...not really...but it was so good and felt relaxing).

In the long term relaxation plan I'm thinking about taking up pottery, painting, or some form of artwork when the season is over because I know that I am hands down the worst artist out there. Maybe knowing that I will never be good at it may be an effective way to find something that I won't try and overachieve at. If you ever met an Olympian, you will know that they never want to lose at anything so finding something to just do for the sake of doing is a little difficult.

So, that being said about me, what have you done to relax today? This week? This month? (Don't make me ask this year.) If nothing else you can try my doctor's prescription, just take a deep breath. Take as needed.

New Arrival

2007-04-09T23:11:00.000-04:00

Hanna Thompson, ranked second in the country and a teammate on the USA women's foil team, is moving to Rochester this week. She used to fence at RFC before she went to Ohio State for college. The funniest part of it all is that she started fencing, in part, because of me. Her older sister, Emmy, started fencing because we were classmates and heard that was something I did. Then, her younger twin sisters, Hanna and Metta, started fencing. And now look at her, training for the Olympic Games.

She and I will be training together for the Olympics with coach Nat. I am looking forward to having a training partner that is focused on the same things that I am focused on. It's nice for those days where motivation is a little lacking.

Welcome to Rochester, Hanna!

Happy Easter!

2007-04-08T10:31:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter everyone! It's a fine Sunday morning at State College, PA with two inches of snow on the ground. I'm hoping for a quick turn around of the weather so I can make the 4 hour drive back to Rochester without an issue.

Quick story about the weekend. On Friday afternoon I drove down to Penn State to fence and visit with some of my friends. The fencing has been great and seeing my good friends after so long has been good for the soul. But there is one moment in particular on Friday that made me realize how far I've come with my fencing.

Friday's practice was a practice like any other. There was fencing, there was fun, there was learning, etc. Then, at the end of practice four of the guys decided that I needed a little challenge, a team of four of them would fence against team Iris Zimmermann. Yup, four against one and I am not sure at the moment they asked that I believed that I could actually make it to twenty touches.

The first fencer got up to fence me, I beat him 5-3.
The second fencer got up to fence me, I beat him 5-2 and the score is now team Iris 10 and the four man team 5.
The third fencer got up to fence me, I score only 1 to his 2 points but then time ran out. The score was now 11-6.
Then the final fencer, the anchor of their team, starts to fence me. And for some reason something clicked and I scored 9 points to make the win 20-7.

I couldn't believe it. When I walked off the strip I was in awe-how did I beat four guys at the end of practice? Granted-the guys that I fenced were not in their best shape and haven't been training like I have, but still. You would think that they would at least make it to 10.

Needless to say, I had my own Billie Jean King moment and loved every minute of it. Take that, boys.

Just kidding

2007-04-05T22:54:00.000-04:00

The thing about Rochester is-although the life here is pretty predictable, the weather is not. No sooner did I title my last blog entry "Springtime", that a cold front hit with snow flurries hit the east coast. I even tried to disguise my entry by making the title French, but the snow gods of Rochester decided that I needed an instant replay of winter.

But despite the weather, I am still in great spirits. When I see the snow on my car and as my car slips on the wet pavement, I think of the sun and how glorious it will be when it finally comes out.

Enough about the weather and more about fencing because after all, isn't fencing what this is all about?

Okay, a short but amusing fencing story by Iris Zimmermann.

Once upon a time Iris was 16 years old (not that long ago so no one should be stretching the imagination too much-oh wait, does ten years ago qualify as a short time?). I used to train so much and work so hard that one of my teammates, Ann, decided to get me a No Fear t-shirt. Don't you remember those popular t-shirts with sport related phrases and quotes?

The No Fear shirt I was given, was grey and on the back was the following:

"I'm YOUNGER, FASTER, STRONGER and I practice while you sleep."

I used to wear this shirt with pride because the woman who gave it to me was someone I truly admired. Ann has made three Olympic teams from Barcelona, to Atlanta, and finally Sydney. While she was training for these games she managed to find time to 1. graduate from Columbia and 2. graduate from the University of Rochester Medical School. Yeah, they should make a t-shirt for her too.

"I am an Olympian, Ivy League graduate, and doctor. Come talk to me when you pick your jaw off the floor."

Well, the t-shirt was awesome and I wore it all the time. It inspired me and scared some of my opponents. In fact, the team at the Rochester Fencing Club would on some occasions recite the t-shirt to me. Why? Because it was true. I would practice until the cows came home. I was younger, I was faster, and I was always stronger.

Fast forward three knee surgeries, a degree from Stanford, and two years of retirement and trying to make the Beijing Olympic team later....

The t-shirt went missing for several years while I was in California but a month ago I found it once again. What do you think? A wonderful omen, a reminder of the past, what?

At first I thought to myself, what do I do with the line "younger" since I'm one of the oldest on the USA team and at the RFC? Seriously? Can I walk around with this t-shirt? I mean, some of the kids at the fencing club don't even know what a No Fear t-shirt is let alone the fact that some of them were born in the same year I wore it.

Then I thought, I am still the same person that wore this thing ten years ago, and I am still a great fencer. So what if there needs to be asterisks by each claim on the back?

I'm
Younger*
Faster**
Sronger***
and I practice while you sleep****

*Although this no longer applies, 26 isn't that old!
**Three knee surgeries may have slowed me down a bit but it was actually a good thing for my fencing tactics.
***Now I have strength of mind as well as strength of body.
****Haven't you ever heard of, "practice smarter, not harder"? It's my new mantra.

The t-shirt is back and so am I, perhaps a more thoughtful and wiser version. I'm glad I found the thing because most of all it reminds me of the great times I had training with some very incredible people.

Printemps

2007-04-03T21:17:00.000-04:00

What is it about the springtime, the warm weather, the sunny days, that bring such clarity of mind? The longer days also help to brighten up my mood because I don't feel like I need to roll up all the day's activities within the hours of 9-3pm.

I had a great practice tonight so I'm all smiles. This was my first practice back from the European tour and it went really well because I could tell that my fencing had jumped many levels in the last month. One of my teammates even complimented me on some new tactics and skills I learned.

For the first time I really felt in control of my fencing and didn't feel at any moment that I didn't have an answer for something my opponent was doing. Most of all my emotions were completely in check, and all my focus was on the task at hand-fencing each touch and fencing each bout. For the first time I was able to let things go around me and just focus. This is a big deal for someone that is so observant about the world around her. I woudl always worry about what this person is thinking of me, what is going on around me but at practice today, I was focused on me and my opponent, that was it.

Casey FitzRandolph, my speedskating mentor extraordinaire, would always tell me-do your best each and everyday whatever that may be. Ask yourself, "what is the best that Iris can be TODAY?" And today the statement finally sunk in.

As I sat in the locker room facing a sign where I wrote Casey's words, I felt like I was finally there. After months of struggling through changing my fencing style, trying to rid myself of past problems, breaking my finger (let us not forget that), and everything else I went through, I felt like I finally lived his words. Something has clicked inside me and I feel like I have truly become this new fencer. I'm no longer the old, no longer stuck in the past but I'm a hybrid-the past, present, and the hopeful future. I am finally letting myself be the best that I can be without second guessing myself.

It's hard to look back and admit to myself that, even at the start of the season, I wasn't ready for the challenge. Maybe physically but mentally I wasn't there yet, and still had to step into my new role on the team and my new role in the international world of fencing. But I do have to say that I feel renewed with more perspective and strength than I ever had. The best part is that there is more to come and more exciting things waiting to happen.

I am looking forward to getting more training in this month but I am most excited about my attitude. These past few days I have gotten up in the morning and just smiled at the thought that I would head to the gym or the fencing gym to work on the next few steps towards something great. My happiness has really come along and I am enjoying myself rather than worrying about what other people say or think and despite any of my doubts or negativity.

I had so much energy left over after practice that I just went to the gym and worked out for another hour just because I was feeling so great about practice. It may seem like a crazy thought but the gym has always been a fun place for me-my own place of zen. I guess in some ways it's better to think of the gym that way since I spend so much time there.

The lesson for today-Working on and maintaining a positive attitude can sometimes do more for progress than chipping away at the skill itself. I don't mean a positive attitude of just telling yourself that things are good, but actually feeling it mind, body, and soul-inside and out. Law of attraction. If I am positive that something is going to happen and if I am positive in general-I will draw more things that are positive in my direction. If I wake up each morning thankful that I have the time and skill to make the Olympic team-what can come from it but good?

I'm so happy that it's springtime-renewal, rebirth, and joy.

(Small disclaimer here. There is much work still to be done and not each day will feel as wonderful as today. The ups and downs are just the nature of things but at least I feel stronger to deal with them mentally and emotionally. Also, big steps were made last month and I wanted to acknowledge the hard work paying off.)

a conversation on the plane

2007-04-01T20:50:00.000-04:00

A slight digression from the norm.

Everyone who knows me and knows this blog understands that I have a passion for discussing politics. I don't know, maybe it's from my father who always felt it necessary to listen to Rush Limbaugh because he was the opposition. I guess you always need to know what the other side is saying. I am just not sure how he puts up with all that crap? Apologies to anyone who is a Limbaugh fan.

Well, the reason I brought this up was because I was struck by a conversation I had with a German citizen on the plane from Madrid to Munich. For some reason we got to talking (I never really like meeting people on the plane, I much rather sleep) and he pulled out all the stops on what he hated about Americans.

Conversation went something like this:

German Guy: What were you doing in Spain? Were you on vacation?

Me: Actually, I was visiting a friend.

GG: Do you speak Spanish? Some Americans don't speak any languages and some of them speak some Spanish but overall, Americans try hard not to speak any languages.

Me: Yeah I guess so. I speak some languages and yes, I understand and can speak Spanish.

GG: Oh really? What languages do you speak?

Me: I can understand German, my father is German...

GG: You should really speak German, it's the most spoken language in the EU.

Me: (The obligatory) Oh really? That's interesting. I should probably speak German. (WHY IS HE TALKING TO ME? I'M TRAPPED IN THE STUPID MIDDLE SEAT AND I HAVEN'T SLEPT.)

GG: Your Dad is from Germany? Why is he living in the states, I bet he doesn't speak German anymore? Did you know that 40 percent of Americans claim German ancestry?

Me: (I'm not sure how many can claim Chinese and German heritage) Well, my parents moved to the states in the 1960's and at the time they felt that America had a lot of opportunities for their children. And, my father does still speak German and in fact he has a very thick accent so it's almost like he's speaking German when he's speaking English. (Desperately trying to get a laugh out of this guy.)

GG: Spain is probably the only place you have ever visited, right?

Me: (Now I am getting pissed but the reality is that there is another hour to the flight and I AM IN THE MIDDLE SEAT!) Well actually I've been to over 22 different countries...

GG: Probably like every other American, with a backpack and a Eur rail pass.

Me: Actually, I have been traveling to Europe and other countries since I was 14 years old. I am an Olympic fencer and I am currently training for the 2008 Games.

So, one would hope that after that he would shut up but he continued on his "well, you're American and you must be loud, obnoxious, rude, and think you own everything, and your shit doesn't stink, etc". Let's just say that it was a long flight from Madrid to Munich.

But the crazy thing is that I am less angry at this guy making assumptions about me than I am at the reasons he is going nuts about the states. The truth is that we as a nation have a bad rep right now and it isn't just this German guy. Everywhere I go I feel as though I have to apologize for carrying an American passport. On top of all that I find out more about the war in Iraq and the situation overseas on BBC and other European networks than I do at home.

I know this is a touchy subject but I think it's an important one to at least discuss. There has always been some hostility towards Americans while traveling but never have I experienced anything at this level of animosity. This is an important thing to consider since we may be doing some irreparable damage to our image. While we are busy fighting an enemy that hates us, we are simultaneously turning others against us.

Sorry for the digression but I couldn't resist my own two cents. It's my blog and I can get slightly political if I want to. ;)

Home sweet home

2007-03-31T19:14:00.000-04:00

When I left Rochester about a month ago to make my journey through Europe, the ground was still frozen and covered over with snow and my car was still an ashy shade of gray from all the salt on the strees and highways.

Thus to my surprise, the sun was still out at 6:30pm when I touched down at the Rochester "International" airport. The sun is a rare sight in March, especially in a city that is infamous for ice storms in the early spring months. I was also suprised that I didn't need my large winter coat when I stepped onto the tarmack; spring is definitely in the air.

A lot has happened in my time away and unfortunately I didn't chronicle all of it as I was going through most of Eastern and some parts of Western Europe. Mostly it was a matter of time and internet constraints, but it was also that I wanted to be more present in the experience.

It will take me the next several weeks of downtime to untangle and write about my time in Europe and what it has done for my fencing and my life in general. But before I go on with the things I have learned, I think it's important that I explain something that I have been thinking about for a while.

About a month ago I received some feedback about this blog. This person shall remain nameless. As you all know I have been trying my best to raise money for my fencing and seeking sponsorship. A friend of mine looked at this blog and told me point blank, if you want people to fund you then you have to either keep the current blog secret or start a new one where your voice is more confident and less unsure. He thought I always sounded like the underdog in my entries.

I have to admit that I was truly taken aback and agreed. Yes of course, if I want sponsorship then it would be best to tell people how sure I am that I will win an Olympic medal. (An aside, yes, I am sure that I have what it takes to medal, but as to what happens at the Olympics one can only guess.) My catch phrase would be, "once a champion, always and forever a champion". In some ways that is true but at the moment taking top-64 at each tournament isn't making me feel much like a superstar.

Because of his comment, I just blogged some very superficial things and didn't reveal what I was really thinking. This went on for several weeks and then came Spain, and it was there that I had a revelation. (Leave it up to long lunches in the plaza mayor with wine and good company to make revelations possible.)

It was there in the plaza in Salamanca over crouquettes and ensalada that I thought about what I've been through and in what ways it defined me. I realized that it was through all these trials, struggles, and adversity that I would truly find out how strong I am and could be. Sometimes my words are too true for some but in order to accomplish the great things I am striving for, I have to be able to objectively evaluate both the good AND the bad.

The truth is that even the greatest men and women in history are revealed to have some of the greatest insecurities. Their accomplishments despite their problems are the very reasons why they are revered. Let's take Helen Keller for example-I am sure there were times where she cursed her life and felt angry or upset. But without admitting at least once that she had been dealt a rough hand, she wasn't able to pursue the other direction and move forward. It is a crazy example but we cannot accept the true greatness within her without realizing her struggle.

The purpose of this blog is a daily journal of my thoughts that are very real to the process. If I don't write these thoughts then I am not being true to the purpose. I think it's part of my job to show that this journey that I have chosen includes self-doubt, hardship, self-evaluation and re-evaluation, deep thought, etc. But I would think the audience would realize the truth about this journey; every step of the way is filled with hope and unwaivering faith in myself, my team, and the people who care for me.

Maybe when I was younger I did win everything, but it was never from a place of understanding but rather a place of ignorance and fear. Most often I won out of desperation because my former coach would react severely if I did otherwise. In the end I hardly remembered the good times and the wins because in those moments I felt a relief that I didn't let my coach down.

But now my fencing world is much different because I feel a sense of strength and freedom that I never felt before. This is all because what I am building now is a firm foundation to place the good parts of my past, the ones I remember, with the joys of practicing my sport, and from there will come the success I always dreamed of. I have deep faith in what I am building and I would hope that the people who read this blog would understand that.

All that being said, I think I will continue to chronicle this journey as I see it with all it's blemishes along with it's great moments. The reality is that there isn't one without the other and if the audience will bear it, I will tell you the important details of what it is like to be Iris Zimmermann on the road to Beijing.

Last but not least

2007-03-26T10:43:00.000-04:00

My friend in NYC asked me where I was the other day and after that I realized I wasn't doing a great job of updating the blog and letting people know where I am.

Well, I am currently in Marseille, France and I am awaiting a 9pm flight to Madrid. I finished the last world cup for this month just yesterday and now I am going to spend one week in Spain with a friend of mine before heading back to the states on Friday.

The competition in Marseille went well and I feel as thought I've made a lot of progress. My game is coming along slowly but I know that things will start to roll soon. It's nice to have one month off to train before heading to another batch of world cups. I think my mentor and fellow Olympian Casey says it best (this was an email that he sent to me before the last competition).

"....anybody that's a world class athlete knows that once things start heading in the right direction it doesn't take very long to make big jumps. One or two minor things improved, the confidence and relaxation that comes with it....all of a sudden you're rolling."

The team event was actually pretty amazing. We beat Japan and France to take fourth place. US women's foil hasn't taken a result this high since 2001 when we won the bronze medal at the world championships. I can't believe how fast our group has gelled to become a powerhouse. We are definitely determined and on our way to qualifying a USA team to Beijing.

As for me I am ready for a well deserved nap and break. These three tournaments have taken a lot of energy and I'm excited for some r&r with a good friend of mine from college. She's currently playing basketball in Salamanca and I am excited to hang out with her and not think about fencing for a few days.

I hope that Spring is in the air in the USA because it's definitely gorgeous here in Marseille. :)

change comes slowly

2007-03-19T17:42:00.000-04:00

I know that a lot of you are looking forward to hearing about the progress that I am making on the Olympic campaign.

The truth is that things are going slowly and progress is made in steps (as they should be). It's kind of like the presidential race. Things are sort of about fundraising, getting your name out there, trial and error because the big race comes months before the election. Things will begin to pick up but it's best not to spin your wheels too much before the big push. And in my case the big push is the Olympics.

These past four world cups have been a lot about self-discovery and finding my own groove again. I think everyone, including myself, wanted me to jump into things and win everything right away. I have learned that first of all, that isn't realistic and secondly, there are some things I have had to work through to come this far.

This is not to say that I am not doing well or working towards my goals. The reality is that I have been steadily climbing up the world ranking ladder and making some very key changes in my mental and physical game. I have become much stronger in both areas since this adventure started.

The bottomline is that I am truly happy at this moment with my progress. I am really thankful for this opportunity and consider it successful in learning more about myself and my reactions to stressful situations. I think we don't truly know who we are unless we test ourself and it is what we do with this information and the change we can produce that is a true measure of our inner strength. It's sometimes hard to describe to people what is going on internally and to reassure everyone that I am right on track.

I have learned a lot of the lessons in the past few weeks and I want to share some of them with you.

1. You must have unwaivering faith in yourself. There will always be onlookers, backseat drivers, and nay sayers but if you become your best advocate you are more powerful than the negative energy thrown your way.

2. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and get rid of the people who doubt you or try to sabbotage you. The trick is figuring out who these people are but if you have number one down then you should be able to make a strong decision.

3. You are your most powerful ally and most powerful enemy. If you constantly fight yourself then you cannot progress.

4. Working from a space of happiness and positive energy is much more effective than driving yourself through negative feedback. Your physical and mental self reacts differently to

"You have to practice more because you can't do anything right."

than it does to

"You should work on this specific thing because it will make you even better, stronger, and faster than you already are."

If you work from the positive you can only make your progress more positive.

It's amazing how many times I try to force myself to get better through fear or negative self talk and in the end the progress has no real foundation.

5. Trust the decisions that you make for yourself. Everyone works differently and it is inevitable that everyone has varying opinions of what you should do. If you trust your decision then it becomes the "right" decision.

6. If you want to succeed at life you have to see failure as a temporary state of being and success as a permanent state. How can you possibly win if you cannot see yourself as a winner?

7. Dwelling on positive factors of life and turning bad situations into positive situations will help to attract more positive energy your way. In the beginning I would focus on the things I didn't have and what wasn't going right for me but once I turned my thinking around and started dwelling on all of my strong and positive attributes it increased my fencing ability ten fold. Once you believe in yourself and become your own best advocate, there won't be a limit to what you are capable of doing.

Alright, seven things. I think they all have some of the same themes but I think you get the point.

Hopefully I will learn more this weekend in France for the next blog.

I leave Budapest tomorrow morning for a world cup and team event in Marseille. From Marseille I am going to Spain. I am actually taking a few days to visit a friend in Salamanca before going back home on the 30th.

Budapest and some photos

2007-03-19T16:53:00.000-04:00

Yes folks, I am in Hungary. I'm staying in an apartment in Budapest for a few days before we leave for France.

A photo of the apartment below. Hanna and I are sitting on one of the couches in the living room.

Yeah, that's what we look like after two weeks of traveling and fencing in Europe. Don't laugh.

Emily took some photos of us on our European tour and I wanted to share some with you.

Here's one of Hanna and I with two German fencers. Anja, on the right is currently one of the top ranked fencers in the world.

The next photo is of me on the train from St. Petersburg to Moscow.

And last but not least is a photo of me standing in front of our family store in Germany. Just kidding. Zimmermann is a popular German name, kind of like Smith in the States, and there are a chain of stores named Zimmermann. I am not really sure what the store is or what they sell, but it's pretty neat.

I hope you enjoyed the photos. I promise that my blog will be less superficial soon. I have just been a little busy fencing, packing, and shlepping my fencing bag around Eastern Europe.

Moscow-Frankfurt-Budapest, oh my!

2007-03-16T06:15:00.000-04:00

I'm currently in Frankfurt on my way to another world cup in Budapest, Hungary. This month has been a crazy one in terms of travel. I always wonder if people in other sports have to shlep as much stuff from one country to the next? Horseback riding perhaps? I wonder how much they charge for the extra steed?

I had a great time this past week staying with my former host family. The best part was that I picked up some more Russian along the way. This morning when I rang my parents I answered "Da" instead of "yes" purely on instinct-I guess that's progress? My host Mom in Russia told me last night that she was impressed with my ability to communicate in different languages and some of the more tough ones including Russian and Chinese.

I just told her that I enjoyed learning about people's lives and being able to communicate with them and that's why I make such an effort to speak different languages. It turns out that people are pretty much the same around the world and want a lot of the same things-too many times we allow some cultural differences to get in the way of the opportunity for friendships. This time in Russia, I felt more proficient in the language because I was less concerned about correct grammer and more concerned about listening to what they had to say.

Okay, enough about communicating. Now is the time for fencing action. A trainer is actually meeting up with the USA fencing team in Budapest. It's nice timing since I think I need a tune up-maybe some stretches, maybe a massage. :)

I fence tomorrow and Saturday in Budapest. I am pretty sure that it's hard to come by internet access there so I won't be able to post anything until Monday after the competition. It's probably for the best since I seem to work better when I'm solely focused on the fencing part. I am staying in Budapest for three days and then traveling to Marseille, France for another world cup (the last of the three this month) on Thursday, the 22nd.

I miss home but I'm always reminded at how lucky I am to be able to travel around the world like I do. There isn't much time for sightseeing but there is always time to communicate.

On to Hungary!

Russia

2007-03-13T09:01:00.000-04:00

It's such a trip to be back in Russia after a year hiatus. It's especially cool to be hanging out and living with the same host family that I stayed with in 2005. I seem to be getting some of the language back but perhaps that's just reading into the low expectations and high compliments of my friends.

As per usual I don't have a lot of time to be on the internet. It costs a few more rubles than I am willing to pay and I still have more sightseeing to do before tomorrow.

I know I still have to talk about the St. Petersburg competition but since I'm under a time crunch I am going to keep it short. Individually I did well, even though my final result didn't indicate that. The girl that I lost to in the top-64 is someone that has always been a bit difficult for me to beat. That being said, I don't think I will have the same problem the next time around.

The team event on the third day of competition went really well. The girls all worked together very well and we ended up 6th. We almost beat Russia, the current team world champions, and lost to them by one point in overtime. I fenced really well and showed myself and my coach the progress that I have been longing to see these past few months.

All is good here in Russia. Lenin is still where he is, Red Sqaure is still where it is, and the internet cafe I used to go to is still where it is.

Until tomorrow! :)

Moskva!

2007-03-12T04:14:00.000-04:00

I'm back in blogging business! After a long hiatus from the internet I have found a wireless spot in St. Petersburg, Russia.

Below is a photo of me and my friend Beto jumping on the sidewalk at the Kremlin in Moscow two years ago while we were studying there.

I never thought I would return to the land of Stalin and borscht, but today I'm taking the train from St. Petersburg to spend a week in Moscow before heading to Budapest, Hungary on Friday.

The competition in St. Pete went well and I will blog about it when I get to another wireless spot in Moscow. Right now I have to pack up and go!

The European adventure continues.

Leaving on a jet plane

2007-03-06T00:01:00.000-05:00

Just a short note to say that I'm packing up for my upcoming three week tour of Europe. My Mom thought I was leaving on Wednesday instead of Tuesday. And when I reminded her of that fact she said, "I'm not ready". I thought that was so cute-it makes me feel loved!

Unlike my Mom, I am ready to go out there and compete-get to work after my short break. I've done a lot of great work with Nat and my sports psychologist in the last week-it's amazing what you can accomplish in a short amount of time.

Which brings me to the next three weeks. I am hoping that I get some time in Moscow to relive some of the fun times that I had there. Irishka comes back to life!

First stop-St. Petersburg.

A sneak peak

2007-03-04T00:50:00.000-05:00

The above photo is the jpeg of the homepage that is in the works for my website. It's kind of trippy to even think that I'm going to have my very own website.

www.iriszimmermann.com is definitely in the works. There is an under construction page on the site for now until the rest of the pages are built. Unfortunately, I just realized that "coming soon" was written "comming soon" on the page in bold red print. Uh oh. Not exactly flawless but at least there is something up for the moment. The rest will be great and hopefully without typos since I have someone helping me with the text.

I will make sure to let everyone know when the website is functional. Patience is more than a virtue.

They can't stop the blog

2007-03-02T23:36:00.000-05:00

Apparently some blog bot on blogger decided to shut down my publishing capabilities because they thought I was a "spam blog"-whatever that is. My thought is that because I have a lot of links on my page and in the text, the "blog bot" thought that I was spamming the internet. Lovely.

Anyways, I'm back! They can't keep a good blog down.

FYI-the www.iriszimmermann.com webpage is now under construction. I'm going to meet with the web master tomorrow to figure out how the layout is going to look. Very exciting. The hope is to have it up in a month but I'm also operating on what I like to call a "professional fencer budget" meaning, I'm paying the web dude nothing and asking for everything.

On the business end of things I'm getting prepared for another trip to Europe. I didn't compete in the Gdansk world cup this weekend so I could rest up/wash my clothes/catch up on sleep before heading off for a three week tour of Europe. First stop-St. Petersburg, train in Moscow, second stop-Budapest, train in Budapest, third stop-Marseille, and lastly a trip to Spain to visit a friend. The three stops are world cups that will count towards my world ranking.

During an interview the other day I sighed and said, "Oh my goodness, I have to get back on a plane and spend three weeks in Europe." Followed by a big UGHHHHHHH. At which point the reporter gave me the biggest annoyed/confused look and said, "I would give anything to leave this place and travel." Yeah, I guess I kind of sounded like a spoiled princess. But the reality is that I am not just whizzing around Europe with a backpack and a digital camera. The reality is that I am shlepping from one place to another putting on my best performance at high level competitions in order to make the Olympic team. You can't WHIZZ around with three bags of equipment (one bag for shoes) and an Olympic endeavor.

The plan for the next few days before I leave is to enjoy my time at home and rest up for the next adventure.

Dance to the beat of my own drum

2007-02-27T22:04:00.000-05:00

Or paino that is....

So I've decided to go back to my roots and start playing the piano again. I played piano all throughout my youth and in my high school years as well. For the most part I can read music and I like to play music, but with all that I'm still not the best piano player in town. My concentration was always on fencing and not piano playing so I never developed into the next Chopin (I am playing one of his pieces).

During the lay over in Dulles airport last night, I called up my high school piano teacher. He and I have been in touch since I graduated. He was kind enough to agree to help me and chose some pieces for me that included a fair amount of tempo changes in both the left and right hands. You can ask this piano teacher for any piano piece and he will find it for you for sure. I'm grateful that he was so helpful.

So why piano? Good question. Haven't you ever heard of football players taking up ballet to become more agile? Well, I thought that playing again would be a good way to teach myself about tempo changes and separating tempos. In fencing I have trouble changing the tempos in my feet and separating the tempos between my arm and legs. Sometimes your arm has to go at a different speed than your feet, which is sometimes a difficult task for me. I thought that perhaps by playing piano I can teach myself to think in different timing.

The other reason to start playing piano is that the act of playing an instrument can calm the mind and keep one mentally sharp. I think that the season is going to be a long grueling marathon and piano playing can be a true escape when I'm at home.

Tomorrow evening I am going to start playing and we will see how it goes. The piano at my house is a little out of tune but it will do. I wonder if I can still read the notes?

As Weird Al Yankovic once said, "Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't".

2007-02-25T15:21:00.000-05:00

I can't really say that this tournament in Leipzig went well. Actually, the honest truth is that I fenced rather badly. It's not that I didn't try or that I don't have the skill, but for this once I am going to blame it on not feeling one hundred percent.

After this competition Nat and I decided to retool my fencing schedule so I am spending more time at home in my routine rather than training in Europe. Although fencing in Tauber was useful, I was still too exhausted to perform at my best here in Leipzig. I never felt comfortable and I didn't rest enough before the start of this weekend.

The good news is that I have several more world cups to attend this year. The bad news is that I didn't get any points at this particular competition. However, I will revert back to my initial mission statement for this journey.

"This goal and period of my life isn't about counting points or even about making the Olympic team. The value of this endeavor lies in the process of self-discovery, and I plan to enjoy each moment of this process-the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will learn from each situation and above all else I will have fun with the process of making the team. There is no reason for this adventure to be in any way tedious and if it is, then I know it's time to stop."

There is more to the mission statement in my head but that's all I have for this particular situation.

I think it will be hard for me to place a value on these last two tournaments other than I learned a lot and there is still a lot of work to be done.

First step, get on the plane tomorrow morning to go home.

Leipzig, Germany

2007-02-23T16:26:00.000-05:00

My hotel is in the picture above. The Westin is the taller square building to the right of the photo.

Part two of the European adventure includes a world cup in Leipzig, Germany. The Germans drove Hanna, Emily, and me to the Westin (pronounced Vestin) Leipzig before heading off to their hotel down the street.

It was a short ride into East Germany and to a bigger and more active city. My teammate Emily, who is also half-asian, commented how much more comfortable she felt here because the community was more diverse. The only asians in Tauber were the two that ran the one Chinese restaurant. The more interesting part is you don't know you are uncomfortable until you are surrounded by a more diverse crowd.

Nat has joined this leg of the trip, which is awesome! :) It's nice to have your coach there to watch and help out. Any extra advantage goes a long way. I am so glad she is here.

The competition is on Saturday and Sunday. The journey continues with world cup number two.

Soccer may be in the water but fencing brings me joy

2007-02-20T14:51:00.000-05:00

I have a lot of thoughts to blog about today since I have had a lot of time to think.

Let's start at the beginning.

8am breakfast of rolls, jam, ham, cheese, eggs, and coffee.

9am soccer with the Germans

I think that it would be a lie to say that Em and I were able to keep up with them. But they were extremely gracious and made the space smaller and made sure to pass the ball to us. The problem was my teammates kept screaming, "Come on Iris, kick it!" and that would sort of scare me and I would kick at the air. Although, I did have one or two assists when I did manage to get my foot near the ball. And for the record, my team scored more goals, despite me being a member of the team.

Honestly, I think that Europeans just have soccer in the blood. I saw a three year old kid today at the gym, kicking around a soccer ball with his father. That's the difference between life in Germany and life in the U.S.

10-12pm Em and I fenced with a few girls on the team. It was fun to just play around and try some new actions.

12pm Lunch with a Carnivale theme.

Carnivale is a holiday here in Germany where the younger generations dress up like we do for Halloween in the states, and go on a drinking binge for two days. For others, it's just a celebration where you eat herring and eggs. So for lunch there was fish, potato salad, and cake. My father would be in Heaven (for people who don't know, my Dad is from Berlin).

1-4pm we had a small break where I took a restless nap. Mostly because I'm just sore.

5-7:30pm practice with the Germans.

Oh man. I have a lot to say about that. First of all, I was tired. I am not usually tired but I also haven't fenced with such intensity since I broke my finger a few weeks back.

But the biggest comment I have about all this was that I seemed to be the only one out there enjoying myself. For the Germans, fencing is truly a job and this place is a factory.

I had a chance to speak with one of the German fencers after the practice, she is a good friend of mine actually. And she wanted to know about how things were in the states. The Germans can't understand our process and how we don't train full time and how we don't have anything paid for. They wanted to know how it would be possible for us to concentrate on training? My answer, we do what we can because we love the sport.

And that's just it. We love the sport and that's the only way we could ever get along with this whole task of making the Olympic team.

The flipside for us is that we may not go as far because the Europeans always have the upper hand with training and traveling. They are the cream of the crop, they have the traditions, they know how to fence the game, the know how to prepare, while the Americans are doing everything for the first time. Everything for us is trial and error.

On their flipside, this is a job. Each result means a lot more than it does to us. There are a lot of girls gunning for the team and they are being watched at each tournament and each practice. Not to say that we aren't watched but there isn't the same depth of talent. The Americans have more of a luxury that way.

The question is-what is better? To have everything provided, with a ton of expectations, and eventually losing the taste for the sport? Wouldn't you get tired of the monotony? Or would you rather struggle through the process, try and put things together yourself (like practices at Penn State), and find the joy in the sport? You may be a bit behind the eight ball sometimes but everything you get is earned through and through.

The truth is that I have to think the way I think. I have to feel like I am getting a lot of personal joy from this because it is frustrating to think I don't have everything I need at my disposal. It's just harder for us-the travel alone puts us behind the rest of the Europeans.

The bottomline is that I always have faith. I have faith in my process and I have faith that I can surpass the barriers anyways because I am stronger than that.

I am glad that I am the only one at the practice gym in Tauber that is laughing and having a good time. I think my joking around and enjoying myself sort of threw off some of the other fencers. Acknowledging nicely made touches was also something of a foreign concept for them but nevertheless that is who I am.

Ultimately though, I think that everything needs to be kept in perspective, even if this is your job. I am just glad that not every little thing rests on every touch and every match. I am thankful that when I fence, I laugh, I play, and compete with all of my heart.

Tauberbischofsheim

2007-02-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

Try saying that three times fast.

Tauber is like the mecca of German fencing. This place is a true Olympic training center. You couldn't ask for anything more-there is a lot of space to fence, a school here, a place for visitors to stay (we are staying in the training center), a cafeteria, an internet plug, physical therapy, and anything you could ask for. Except for a social life and a big city.

This place is truly a small town at it's finest. There is a supermarket, a chinese restaurant (?), post office, and a couple thousand residents. At least they have a T-mobile where I bought an emergency phone I can use during my travels through Europe and Asia. It's nice to feel as though I could text someone in case I wander off into the mountains and get lost.

For the rest of the week, Hanna, Emily, and I are training twice a day with the Germans. Should be fun-the Germans do not mess around. We are starting at 9am with some soccer (breakfast is being served at the training center promptly at 8am!). I think we will fence a couple of hours in the morning and a few hours at night followed by a dinner of bread, cheese, ham, and yogurt. No wonder these Euros are so fit! They don't eat but I guess I could handle losing some weight.

I am actually excited to have this type of training schedule since it reflects a lot of what I think the American team SHOULD be doing. In my opinion it's harder to get the US fencers to commit to a rigorous schedule since we aren't adequately compensated for the work we do. On the flip side, the Germans have a lot more pressure to perform whereas my motivation is much more philosophically driven. It would be nice to have more money to fence but at the same time I don't have constant pressure to make results.

Unfortunately I have a cold and had a slight fever all day today, so I may not be joining in on the soccer and making myself into joke fodder for the German team. I guess they could use a good laugh.

As for updates about Salzburg, I did really well for the first tournament. I took 26th overall and really felt like I was on the right track with my training. I am slowly moving back up the international rankings one step at a time. I truly feel a bit like Andre Agassi when he started his comeback.

It's nice to be back online and blogging!

The hills are alive with the sound of music....

2007-02-15T17:24:00.000-05:00

YODELAYHEEHOOOOOOOOO!!! High on the hills was a lonely goat heard....

Just kidding!

Finally! I am in Salzburg, Austria. Whew! That was one long trip from Rochester, NY. After all that I still didn't get my fencing bag, but I have one more day before the tournament to get it.

I had a lot of time on the plane ride (and in the waiting areas) over here to think and read my Oprah Magazine. I am not sure if any of you have ever read this magazine but I love the articles because they are much more positive than the fashion magazines (which just end up making me feel fat and feeling like I should call a plastic surgeon pronto).

On the way over I read an article written by Mira Nair and about her journey to find herself. Before Mira was the director of the hit Bollywood film, Monsoon Wedding, she was just another woman trying to find her niche. She struggled to know what direction she should take in her life and the only thing she knew was that she wanted to create art that would influence the world.

Mira ended up making a good film about the groups of people in India who get together to laugh. All they do is stand around and laugh as an exercise for their health. Needless to say, that film wasn't a smash hit but it did lead her to make Monsoon Wedding. Monsoon wedding is an interesting look into the elaborate ceremonies of a traditional Indian wedding. It's kind of like My Big Fat Greek Wedding-the Bollywood version. By doing her documentary she came up with the ideas for the film-basically instead of getting discouraged, she let one thing lead to another.

She ended the article with a powerful thought that I wanted to share.

"Only at it's fullest will an endeavor reveal where it may lead you, and if you're always thinking, I have to do this because I want to use it to do that, you simply won't be right for the plucking."

To me this means that you must learn what you can from each moment. In order to get to where you want to go you have to commit to the process because it is the struggle of the process that makes the end goal possible.

To read more about Mira Nair click here.

Before the battery runs out

2007-02-15T03:55:00.000-05:00

I made it to Frankfurt and I am waiting the few hours before my flight to Salzburg.

T-mobile wireless internet is the best! :)

Snow glorious snow

2007-02-14T09:34:00.000-05:00

Forecast in Rochester for the day:

Snow, heavy at times reducing visibilities to near zero in squalls. Snow will continue into the afternoon, with the heaviest of the storm snowfall totals east and southeast of Rochester. Grand totals will range between 15 and 25 inches.

I am at the airport in Rochester right now trying to will the snow to stop just enough so my plane to Dulles can take off in about an hour.

This really is an adventure every step of the way.

Pack up and go!

2007-02-14T00:29:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

In the pic are all my things that I will be shlepping around Europe for the next two weeks. Don't you just love the blue carry on bag with flowers? I got it so it could fit all my carry on things and my laptop. I don't know if you could see it but it's not only a sweet design but it's made out of cork and kimono fabric. It's pretty neat! You can check out this artist's bags by clicking here.

Anyways, I am a bit off topic from my leaving for Austria tomorrow. (Sometimes exciting new bags can do that to you!)

The world cup season officially begins this weekend. The Olympic qualification doesn't start until April 2007, but these first few world cups will help to increase my world cup rankings going into the more important tournaments.

I think that I would be lying if I didn't tell you that part of me is anxious to take this step. I am starting a season that I never thought I would be a part of. If you told me a year ago this time that I would be living in Rochester and training for Beijing, I would have thought that you were crazy. I can't believe that I am about to leave for Austria tomorrow!

Because we are multi-dimensional creatures, of course I feel more emotion than just anxiety. The other part of me-the competitive athlete, feels ready. Really ready. Nat and I have spent a lot of time talking through what these first few tournaments mean and what I should take away from the experience. Above all else, we both decided that these first tournaments would mean experience. Since there are so many world cups, it doesn't make sense to go into each one expecting to win. Small steps are taken and many lessons will be learned at each tournament. Besides, this goal of making the Beijing 2008 team is a marathon and not a 100m race.

During our workout this morning I decided to ask my trainer what he would do mentally to approach this situation? I asked him how he would approach a tournament, trying his best, setting practical goals and knowing that success doesn't mean winning everything? Dave said he doesn't operate that way, and that he would enter the competition with a killer mindset, "everyone is going down."

I'm definitely not like that. I guess after twenty years of fencing I have finally realized that it isn't all about winning. Tomorrow I am getting on the plane to Austria with concrete things I need to focus on but also knowing that I am not at the level that I will eventually be at for the Games. I don't need to be just yet.

This may be confusing for some people who haven't experienced sport at this level, but how about putting it this way-even Tiger Woods doesn't win all the time. You have to choose your battles-especially if you have lots of them in a row.

All the emotional stuff aside, I still may not make it out of here tomorrow morning. My flight is scheduled to take off at 10:30am but nothing is for sure in this blizzard we are currently having. The east coast and midwest are being slammed with snow which is causing delays and airport closings. Let's hear it for traveling to Europe in the middle of winter!

And last but not least...

Before I take off to start my adventure, I want to leave you with some words from a friend which may help to explain my mindset going into the first few world cups:

"...go off and have a grand adventure! It's one step at a time, one airport at a time, and lots of "invisible emotional support" to take with you on this trip. This is your time. When you step onto that "fencing stage", let that be your mantra - the affirmation you replay in your head and you feel in your heart. Travel safe and go play in the world."

Thank you to my circle of friends and family that always support me. The journey begins!

Inspirational video

2007-02-08T21:27:00.001-05:00

My sports psychologist sent me this link:

http://www.walkthetalk.com/the212movie.php?refsource=tyorders

Let me know what you think.

Being positive-who knew?/fencing camp is fun/a lesson from an elephant

2007-02-06T20:37:00.000-05:00

SERENITY NOW

They should bottle up positive attitudes so you can drink it up when you really need it. When I woke up this morning I was still positive, and still waiting for the other shoe to drop. The day progressed and still no fall out from the previous day. Then practice came around, still nothing. I even got suited up for some fencing and things went well-actually, they went better than I ever thought. I went in expecting nothing and I ended up practicing for almost two hours.

Apparently positive energy works. Who knew?

I spent a long time getting angry when things didn't go my way and things progressed much more slowly. Imagine how much more productive we could be if we had greater perspective on all things.

FENCING CAMP IS FUN

The women's foil team is coming to the Roc for a camp this weekend. We are getting ready for the international season, which starts next week with our first world cup in Austria.

I am looking forward to seeing the girls again!

A LESSON FROM AN ELEPHANT

You can learn a lot from elephants. I heard the following story at church this past Sunday, and I thought I would pass it along. It sort of goes with my "Risks" post.

There was an young elephant that was tied to a post. One day he decides that he wants to break free from the post. He tries and tries only to find that he is still tied to the post. One day he just gives up and decides that he should just accept his lot in life. This is his life, tied to a post. Little does he know that the post is just about to break and set him free.

The line between success and failure is very thin. Will you continue push for what you want even if it doesn't come easy?

Big girls don't cry

2007-02-05T20:38:00.000-05:00

Remember when we were little kids we could throw tantrums to express our frustration? Wahhhh..wahhh...Mommy, I want this or I want that! Or in my case, wahhh, things aren't going the way I want them too!

When we get older we aren't allowed to have these types of tantrums however, what becomes of that emotion? How do we express ourselves when we actually "mature"? Yoga, organic food, supplements, smoking cigarettes, getting into bad relationships perhaps?

I ask these questions because today was one of those days where I could have used a "feel free to throw a hissy fit and cry because it doesn't matter how old you are" card. But the interesting part is that I didn't, and I am not sure what to think. If I am not getting angry in this moment then where does that frustration go? Have I swallowed it into a well where it will overflow once something else adds to my frustration? Or have I actually learned how to deal with my emotions?

Today was the day that I started fencing again after the famous pinky incident. I took the splint off, put the fencing glove on, tapped the two end fingers together, and gave it a try. The first few minutes were okay because we were doing very simple stuff in my one-on-one lesson, but when things got a bit more complicated, the finger started to hurt.

I could start to feel the emotions rising inside of me. I wonder if any of you have ever felt frustration like this? It begins deep in my stomach and slowly rises up into my chest, then it sends a signal to my brain that it's time to react or cry.

The voice (or the "irrational Iris" as I like to call her) started in with her two cents, "You aren't going to be ready. You are leaving for your first world cup of the season next week Wednesday, and you aren't ready. Why is it when things start to get good, you get injured? What were you thinking-you're so dissapointing? Is this always going to hurt like this? Is this yet another thing you have to worry about? Why me, oh God, why me?" Irrational Iris has the most amazing stream of conciousness because it just never stops and spirals into a million other thoughts. She's very verbose.

Her voice got louder at the same moment when the handle of my weapon started to really press against the inside of my hand right at the injury. At which point, I knew that I would either crack or just explode right there on the spot. Believe me, I was going to have a full blown meltdown. BUT, I didn't.

I am still not sure why. I am guessing that after all this time working with a sports psychologist, the positive mental attitude permeated my entire thought process. Apparently it helps to calm me down in situations where I am in physical pain as well. The work I have been doing allowed me to listen to the "rational Iris" as she countered with, "let's look at the big picture here. Is this really going to affect your chance at Beijing? It's just a pinky and you will do whatever it takes to get past this. What happens now doesn't determine what your year and a half will be like. You can get through this because you are tougher than that."

You must think I'm insane. Well partly, because to dedicate one's life to poking people with a sword is a bit insane.

However, I do think that we have two sides to ourselves, one with perspective and the other that always insists on bringing up the negative. I have just decided to name them rational and irrational Iris. You can laugh later but apparently it's helping me get through my roadblocks.

Or maybe not. I am still not sure why I didn't react as strongly to this situation. I am not sure how I was able to maintain composure and perspective. I worry a bit that this is sort of the "serenity now" scenario from Seinfeld. It's the bit where Kramer decides that serenity now is a phrase that he can use to calm himself down but it just ends up making him more crazy because he isn't dealing with what is really annoying him.

Either way I still have to wake up tomorrow and face another day at practice. My hope is that the pain becomes gradually less over the next week so that I feel more prepared for my trip to Austria and Germany.

On another note: I forgot to mention a while back that Serena "the great" Williams is back. She just won the Australian Open the other week. Now that is a comeback story.